MiL is a stunted woman who has never shown any love for DW. They were NC for a decade but, when we had DD, DW tried to patch things up, hoping that MiL would at least want a healthy relationship with her granddaughter. That sort of worked for a few years: MiL clearly loved having DD in her life, and DD - whose other grandparents are dead, dead, and domiciled on another continent, respectively - was very fond of her granny. But it turns out that, however much MiL loves my DD, she just hates my DW more. She gradually became more antagonistic towards us, and quite deliberately engineered a great big row 4 Christmases ago. MiL hasn't spoken to us since. DW would say she's just fine with that; it wasn't for her own benefit that she re-established contact with MiL and, if MiL can't even keep up a facade of civility with DW in order to see her granddaughter, then... fuck her.
I am 100% Team DW on this. She has not at any stage behaved unreasonably; in fact, it was really generous of her to open herself up to MiL's bullshit again, and it certainly isn't her fault (REDACTED BY MN as breaks TGs).
But. I still feel sorry for MiL. I know enough about her own early life to know that it's no surprise that she was woefully ill equipped for parenthood. And it's kinda heartbreaking to watch an intellectually limited old woman sabotage herself because she's too bitter and emotionally incompetent to avoid it. And, most of all, I feel sorry for DD, who misses her granny (who has scarcely been actively toxic towards her at all!)
So, for the past 3 Christmases, without DW's knowledge, I've sent MiL a package of photographs of DD from the year. I thought she'd want to see how DD is growing up. And I guess I wanted to keep a perfunctory line of communication open, just in case anyone ever wants to revisit whether an actual relationship is an option. Each time, I've included a note saying that, while my allegiances are entirely with DW, I'm prepared to be a first point of contact if MiL ever wants to reach out.
I have been totally unsurprised to hear nothing back, but that changed today when, in response to my 2022 package, I got a message from MiL's husband. When we get past the attempt to relitigate Christmas 2019 (oh FFS), he discloses that MiL is in ill health, most notably as a result of a recent stroke.
I'm sure many of you will think I've done a stupid or disloyal thing by keeping any sort of communication open. That may well be true; I was never certain it was a good idea, though I hope my intentions were unambiguously good. But - as people who have done a stupid thing like to say - we are where we are. The dilemma I have now is whether to tell DW what I know about her mother's health. I'm not sure she really wants to know, but I also think she might find it upsetting to know that I had information of that type and didn't pass it on. (This isn't about covering my ass, BTW: if the right thing to do is to tell her, I'll tell her; if the right thing to do is to keep schtum, I'll keep schtum; I'm just struggling with what the right thing to do might be...) I've also embroiled us in some ridiculous game theory shit about how 'we' now know that MiL is unwell and if 'we' don't care enough reach out, it'll only prove how justified she was to disown DW in the first place... though I'm not sure we should care whether she feels justified as long as we don't mind the consequence. Finally, although it was under quite different circumstances, I was on very strained terms with my own DM when she died, and I sort of nonspecifically regret not... y'know... trying a bit harder. Are any of these good enough reasons to disturb DW's blissful ignorance?
I'd sure be glad of any wisdom anyone is able to impart.
TL;DR: DW has been NC with MiL for 3 years. I have secretly kept a line of communication open in case anyone changes their mind. I have just heard that MiL has had a stroke. Do I tell DW?