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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this be the end for you?

117 replies

OhPeggySue · 17/12/2022 16:50

Been together 18 years. Last 3 very up and down. He is abusive at times but to the outside world, charming, attractive, intelligent, good company etc. Increasingly shown me very little affection or physical touch, never says he misses me or is looking forward to seeing me (after weeks apart due to work. Always tells his adult kids that he's looking forward to seeing them tho). I've raised it several times and tried to say that I feel so distant from him. Nothing changes. I'm not a needy or clingy person. I just think a relationship should have some warmth otherwise what's the point. I said something today (we are away for Christmas) and he said I do say nice things. I said, give me a for instance. He said, I say your clothes are nice. That was all he could come up with. I have nice clothes. I just laughed. I'm fed up of trying. He's gone to bed for a siesta, I'm in the pub. I think it's unsalvageable really. I think I have to accept he no longer loves or fancies me.

OP posts:
Skipsaway · 17/12/2022 16:58

I think writing this down has probably given you more understanding of the issue.
It reminds me of the time I asked my ex something quite meaningful and he shrugged his shoulders. I knew then that it was finished.
Death by a thousand paper cuts.
Make some plans for a different life, have some counselling if you need it and be more selfish.

Lovebeingwarm · 17/12/2022 17:04

It doesn’t sound good to me, sorry.

Thesnowfellfast · 17/12/2022 17:07

The fact that he is "abusive at times" is more than enough reason to LTB. You deserve better. Relationships shouldn't be abusive. EVER.
Please consider leaving for your own sanity. He'll never change!

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 18/12/2022 13:23

I dont think he will change, no.

OP posts:
Bedazzled22 · 18/12/2022 14:43

The fact that he is abusive at times means there’s not much more to say…. I hope you can move on and find a better life without him

Outtasteamandluck · 18/12/2022 14:47

Actions over words.

Butttt putting another perspective I'm not demonstrative at all. I don't really need kisses and cuddles. Doesn't mean I don't want to be in a relationship.

Maybe he's like me?

Outtasteamandluck · 18/12/2022 14:49

Abusive behaviour should not be tolerated. That should be enough to dump him.

TheCurseOfBoris · 18/12/2022 16:44

Time to get your ducks in a row. The relationship sounds dead and he'd probably agree with you if you discussed it with him. It's far better being alone than being lonely in a relationship.

layladomino · 18/12/2022 16:57

'Sometimes abusive' means you shouldn't be with him. This is not a good relationship.

Aside from that (huge) issue, he doesn't show you affection or care. Why would you want to be with him?

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 18/12/2022 17:19

Outtasteamandluck · 18/12/2022 14:47

Actions over words.

Butttt putting another perspective I'm not demonstrative at all. I don't really need kisses and cuddles. Doesn't mean I don't want to be in a relationship.

Maybe he's like me?

Yes, he's a bit like that. Used to be affectionate but not in the last 3 or so years. We get on fine and enjoy each others company but it's just really struck me, more than ever, that when pressed, the best he could be bothered to say is, well I tell you I like your clothes. Then hearing him say to his son, i'm really looking forward to seeing you just made me feel a pang. He's affectionate with his kids, just not with me. If we're out with his son at the pub, he'll stand up and walk out with him, leaving me there by myself, never checking I'm even with them. I feel like I'm a bit part player in his life.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhPeggySue · 18/12/2022 17:20

TheCurseOfBoris · 18/12/2022 16:44

Time to get your ducks in a row. The relationship sounds dead and he'd probably agree with you if you discussed it with him. It's far better being alone than being lonely in a relationship.

He wouldn't fight for me that's for sure. He'd just say OK, if that's how you feel.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 18/12/2022 17:27

It's not looking good for him at the moment but me being me, need to ask...
You've said what he doesn't do for you, but you've not said what he does do... plus you haven't said what you do and don't do for him. It's a two-way street.

The abuse and distance isn't excusable of course but I'm trying to work out why. Many people become distant when the feelings wane and abuse follows because the they're upset with the situation and take it out on you. What sort of partner are you? Are there arguments? I'm just trying to see the other side.

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 18/12/2022 17:35

He has many good points. He's very good looking, very funny, clever, witty, good easy company, generous, tall dark handsome, very senior blar blar. He's also very selfish and has an explosive temper and tantrums if things dont go his way. High functioning alcoholic. I'm not perfect but I'm very supportive, financially independent, have had the high flying career, have lots to talk about and really not a bit needy. I just think, what's the point if there's no affection. We walk along like 2 strangers, sleep in the same bed like 2 strangers.

OP posts:
Whattown · 18/12/2022 17:43

Adult kids? Been together 18 years? Are they not yours? Is that why?

AngelinaFibres · 18/12/2022 18:00

I asked my now exhusband if he loved me. I expected him to say " Of course I do .......". The only thing he could summon up was "Well I'm here aren't I". A bit of me died.
My second husband demonstrates that he loves me, tells me that he adores me and is generally fabulous. Don't stay when something has died. Everyone deserves to be truly loved.

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 19/12/2022 07:58

Well I tried to speak to him last night and he just predictably exploded. Said he had enough pressure with family shit and work and didn't need any more from me. He was yelling and threw the coffee machine and broke it.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhPeggySue · 19/12/2022 08:36

There is zero point in talking to him. I know this now. Have known it for a long time. I try periodically but it's pointless. The decision rests solely with me. I just need to find the strength to leave him.

OP posts:
JoanCandy · 19/12/2022 08:43

He threw the coffee machine ?! Are you ok, OP ? You must’ve felt scared.
You absolutely do have the strength to leave him, give yourself credit. You sound like a lovely person, don’t put up with this crap a second longer.

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 19/12/2022 08:52

Whattown · 18/12/2022 17:43

Adult kids? Been together 18 years? Are they not yours? Is that why?

Not my kids. He had an affair and his wife left him. His kids had nothing to do with him for a while (one of them is still distant).

Is what why?

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 19/12/2022 08:57

I figured you should leave him by your second sentence in your OP - "Abusive at times" is a reason to leave right there. And his explosion and behaviour when you told him is a pretty clear sign that you really should. Enjoy the rest of your life without this absuve many ho withholds affection and, presumably, scares you in your own home.

Ragwort · 19/12/2022 09:02

Just get rid, what does he add to your life ... so what if he's good looking and 'very senior' Hmm ... those sound very shallow reasons to be with someone.

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 19/12/2022 09:02

JoanCandy · 19/12/2022 08:43

He threw the coffee machine ?! Are you ok, OP ? You must’ve felt scared.
You absolutely do have the strength to leave him, give yourself credit. You sound like a lovely person, don’t put up with this crap a second longer.

I'm fine. He doesn't scare me physically, although he's pretty intimidating when he gets going but I'm in no physical danger.

I do have strength. I don't need to get any ducks in a row. I am financially independent and have my own home. Its just hard to walk away from 18 years and from a future. If you knew him, you'd probably think I'm ridiculous. He's outwardly kind, easy company, cooks all the time for me and we have an easy rapport between us. If I initiated it, we could have great sex. He kisses me maybe once a day and asks for a cuddle in bed. It's certainly not awful but he's only ok if everything is his way. If it's not his choice of a netflix film, he will harbour that resentment and throw it in my face during a future argument. He's vicious and mean in private if it's not all about him but the world thinks he's wonderful. I am literally his support human and don't really exist too much beyond that. He said, my family are fucked, I'm knackered from work, I can't see my friends (not true, his cunt of a mate who is a vile aggressive misogynist towards me is coming to stay with us for a few days) and yet you manage to make it all about you.

OP posts:
bumpytrumpy · 19/12/2022 09:20

You sound in a great position to leave - financially independent and not taken in by his mr charming persona. Can you spend Xmas elsewhere? Please don't spend it serving his awful mate.

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 19/12/2022 09:55

I absolutely won't lift a finger for his friend. He's going to his for new year aswell. I won't go cos he's vile to me (the friend) but my oh is going anyway with his kids.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 19/12/2022 10:30

@OhPeggySue I feel for you- similar position except I've been married 20 odd years but not financially independent or with many assets. H also is only ok if everything is going his way. Storms off if he has to queue anywhere, throws things if pissedoff. I'm not in danger but it's wearing and depressing to live with.