Would this be the end for you?

[OhPeggySue]

Been together 18 years. Last 3 very up and down. He is abusive at times but to the outside world, charming, attractive, intelligent, good company etc. Increasingly shown me very little affection or physical touch, never says he misses me or is looking forward to seeing me (after weeks apart due to work. Always tells his adult kids that he's looking forward to seeing them tho). I've raised it several times and tried to say that I feel so distant from him. Nothing changes. I'm not a needy or clingy person. I just think a relationship should have some warmth otherwise what's the point. I said something today (we are away for Christmas) and he said I do say nice things. I said, give me a for instance. He said, I say your clothes are nice. That was all he could come up with. I have nice clothes. I just laughed. I'm fed up of trying. He's gone to bed for a siesta, I'm in the pub. I think it's unsalvageable really. I think I have to accept he no longer loves or fancies me.

Also if this therapist doesn’t help, get a different one who works better for you xx

You wouldn't have had the life you wanted if you had stayed.

You have done the right thing.

I wish you well for the future. Book a holiday. Enjoy it. All of it.

I remember when my dad died I mourned the person and relationship I wished COULD HAVE been.

Perhaps this is what you're feeling, mourning the relationship that could have been with the man that could have been. But wasn't.

Reason is simple, you're not compatible any more.

So in the space of a morning, he's gone from being reasonable to being angry and accusing me of seeing someone else.

Abusers, like cheats, operate on just 3 channels:

Charm / Self-Pity / Rage

You don't need to hang around, being a willing receptacle for whatever he decides to throw at you.

Allowing him contact with you is opening yourself up to more misery. More undermining. More self-doubt, & questioning, & feeling (unjustifiably) sorry for him.

All of his ploys, no matter what channel he is using to broadcast them at you, are about Hoovering you back in. I know you don't believe this, but it;s true. Narcs don't let their victims go easily - it takes so much time & effort to train up a new one. Consider that he may not even be Hoovering to get you to be his partner again - just to keep you where he wants you - on his string, reacting to him, being controlled by him, giving him headspace.

It's time to realise that you do not owe him a moment of your attention.

If he still has stuff at your place, pay for it to be delivered back to him at his home or work. Communicate that to him, & that ONLY, then block him.

Well yes of course he would.
When he contacted you to sort out the practicalities of splitting you were supposed to fall at his feet and beg and plead with him that you regret everything and it's all your fault.

Then he'd graciously deign to take you back - and you'd be punished in all the subtle and not-so-subtle ways because from the moment you'd have begged and said sorry for everything it would go down in history ever more as Your Fault.

But you didn't do that. And in his world it's unthinkable that he should reflect on his behaviour and find it lacking. And equally unthinkable that he should ever have to apologise and grovel to you to take him back. His world doesn't work like that.

So he's angry at you because you didn't do what he wanted you to do

Thank you. Your insights help so much to keep me strong and resolute. My legs are like jelly today and I feel so utterly wrung out by it all. He's back to just practical mode again now. I feel like I've hurt and confused him so much by ending it. I know that's crazy but it's how I feel. I'd never hurt him.

@OhPeggySue But he has no problem hurting you does he?

No, none at all but I have no idea that it even registers with him. I honestly think he's oblivious as to why I've ended it, hence why he's accusing me of having met someone else. It's the only reason he can fathom as to why I've left.

If he’s genuinely oblivious to how or when he hurts you, it really isn’t a safe relationship to be in, whatever the material ‘benefits’. Is a ‘wonderful lifestyle’ really worth your peace of mind, serenity and mental health? You keep saying you’d never hurt him, while he blithely accuses you of all sorts, having treated YOU so badly for so long that you finally ended it. Reread this thread from your first post to remind yourself why you quit, read some of the excellent advice you’ve had, and maybe find a good therapist to explore why you’re giving him headspace and pity.

I have my 3rd therapy session tomorrow. I have already ended it and am out, so, no, the up-sides ultimately weren't worth it for me, hence why I left.

How much he actually hated me is now becoming abundantly clear. The gloves are off and he's just being as nasty as possible.

I want to go back. I want him to care about me. I want the facade to be real and to pretend that he did care about me. He's blaming everything on me though. Saying he wanted a future together and I've thrown it all away.

One last update from me! I woke up a few days ago and the fog had just totally lifted. I saw him for who he really was and I acknowledged the full extent of the abuse. I honestly feel liberated and free and am so glad I finally found it within me to leave. I am proud of myself for the first time in a long time.

Good for you OP. Here starts the rest of your life

You’ll be amazed at the new doors that will open and the wonderful experiences still yet in store. You will feel better and better everyday.

Remember to say yes to new opportunities, extend some invitations and opportunities yourself… and remember to have fun, why not! It’s incredibly how quickly things can change for the better.

Smile, and keep it simple. Hug.