Would this be the end for you?

[OhPeggySue]

Been together 18 years. Last 3 very up and down. He is abusive at times but to the outside world, charming, attractive, intelligent, good company etc. Increasingly shown me very little affection or physical touch, never says he misses me or is looking forward to seeing me (after weeks apart due to work. Always tells his adult kids that he's looking forward to seeing them tho). I've raised it several times and tried to say that I feel so distant from him. Nothing changes. I'm not a needy or clingy person. I just think a relationship should have some warmth otherwise what's the point. I said something today (we are away for Christmas) and he said I do say nice things. I said, give me a for instance. He said, I say your clothes are nice. That was all he could come up with. I have nice clothes. I just laughed. I'm fed up of trying. He's gone to bed for a siesta, I'm in the pub. I think it's unsalvageable really. I think I have to accept he no longer loves or fancies me.

Can I just say to all the kind and compassionate people who commented on here with words of support, thank you. You can't imagine how much it means for people, even if they are just random anonymous strangers on a forum, to take the trouble to post.

Still no contact from him. He will have to be in touch at some point though. He has some important non-replaceable stuff here that he will need. I'm now 2 counselling sessions in. Not sure how many more I'll do. I understand what I've been through. I understand that I have to keep moving forward. I'm still in shock I think and still reeling from finally acknowledging the level of abuse I've been through. Still trying to process why someone I loved could be so cruel and callous and abusive and why I put up with it for so long.

Letting go of a future that you thought was within your grasp is tough.
But you know it was mostly an illusion, a wishful dream.
I hope you'll find a way of letting go and focus on things that give you joy.

The fog is starting to lift and I can feel myself starting to let go. The abuse that he's doled out is coming in to sharp focus. I'm starting to feel less shame and anger with myself and directing it towards him. I feel relief for sure. No more putting up with the abuse. It's liberating. I've still heard nothing from him and the practicalities still need sorting out but my priority is me and how I want to address that, rather than consider his needs and wants. I don't care if he gets angry with me about it all. He can no longer get to me emotionally or physically. I'm certain I'll still have hard moments ahead but a chink of light is appearing.

💐

Glad to hear the fog’s lifting! Sort out the practicalities when it suits you - and HOW it suits you. From now on you please yourself and you don’t have to think about keeping on his right side. Get yourself sorted and excise him from your life as soon as you can - then you will be totally free to live a better life 💐

He's been in touch and being civilised. I'm having a huge wobble. What if I've got it all wrong and misjudged it all and am throwing away a good relationship?

A good relationship does not involve the man child sulking, shouting, having a tantrum because you didn’t jump up quickly enough or kiss his feet lovingly enough. He’s done a right number on you. He’s abusive, narcissistic and doesn’t like women much, does he? It’s very telling that his relationship with his daughter is strained and his son tells you he’s a misogynist. You have finally seen the light, you can now live your life free of this idiot.

You haven't got it all wrong. This is completely normal to have a wobble, now that he's suddenly being nice. This is what happens with an abusive relationship. You crave to get the nice moments back, it's like an addiction. Read all of your previous posts. If you go back, soon you'll be dealing with all that shit you've finally broken free of. Stay strong, what you are feeling is normal, you just need to resist the temptation. Give him his stuff back, smile, be civil, then walk away. You'll soon remember all the shit you put up with and you'll feel glad (that you left) again.

No you aren’t throwing away a great relationship. He is just pretending to be a decent human being. You ended the relationship for a good reason. Trust yourself and keep going, it will all become fully clear in time just trust your instincts.

You haven’t got it all wrong. Stay strong.
they can be courteous and charming - that’s how abusive men get away with it.

even the lack of affection (your very first post here) would have been enough for me to end it.

He said, I'm sure you have your reasons for ending this and might tell me one day.

Come on now OP.

The abuse that he's doled out is coming in to sharp focus. I'm starting to feel less shame and anger with myself and directing it towards him. I feel relief for sure. No more putting up with the abuse.

Your own words & realisation, just 2 days ago.

No you won't, because you will be excising this abusive man from your life & blocking him on all comms.

He is already starting to Hoover you FFS.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

I knew that when he eventually got in touch, I'd wobble. I can never make him see what he's done though. Never. He will never understand.

I dont think he's 'hoovering'. His message talks factually about sorting the practicalities out. There's no apologies or flattery or engagement or baiting.

If he doesn’t even know, that’s an even worse sign.
my God.

No, he’s not hoovering yet - this is the victim-playing bit. The martyr. Watch him switch on a dime.

There will be, if you don't block him everywhere.
See @barmycatmum's message just above.

I knew that when he eventually got in touch, I'd wobble. I can never make him see what he's done though. Never. He will never understand.
No my dear, you won't.
One of the hardest things about walking away from unreasonable people is dealing with the fact that "closure" is a myth. You will never get him to accept or understand how badly he has treated you. There is no magic form of words that will suddenly get through to him.

With time, & maybe therapy, you can get past that frustration & pain, & realise that the only person who needs to understand the truth of what happened is you. And that he no longer matters - he's just an arsehole you used to know.

You are making me think of ChumpLady, catmum.

Different scenario, same methodology - these abusers all operate on just three channels - Charm / Self-Pity / Rage ...

Don't be too hard on yourself, this is a process and you've had 18 years of conditioning, you can't turn it off. I've been divorced for 5 years, classic narcissist, and it's really only in the last year or so that I've truly understood what happened, and accepted it could never have continued.

We want the person we met, but that was never him, he was always acting and the mask has slipped. They can't change, and they won't change, unless for a short while to get what they want, until they revert again

It's very script-like.

Wait 3 weeks (a classic tactic) and then ask about something practical. Then move it on to, 'shall we talk over a drink?' (or similar).

He won't do this. He has way too much pride.

He's now referring to my 'new life' though, as if there's someone else and I'm out having a ball.

I just feel so awful. Like I'm abandoning him and hurting him. He has some issues in his life at the mo and I feel so selfish for choosing now to end it. I'd never want to hurt him but I have to shake this feeling. He caused all this. This is on him, not me. I tried so hard to make it work.

I feel like this. I’m divorcing after 30 years. I’ve put up with a lot over the years. The last five have been the worst.

He genuinely thinks he has been wronged. I want to scream at him that he’s broken me. But he just won’t see it. I’ve given up now.

The best thing has been my therapist. She understands.

Wow @OhPeggySue what an amazing woman and an inspiration you are! Despite what the abuse has done to you you found the strength to say “no more”. I’m in awe of you and so will be countless other people reading this thread.

It sounds like he’s ground you down for so long that not being in such an abusive and controlling relationship feels much scarier but look what you’ve achieved so far. You were even talking about starting to see the light again. Have you written down the things he used to do, the eggshells you used to walk on? Having it concrete in front of you might help you snap out of feeling like you made a mistake whenever you get that feeling. I hope one day you meet a man who deserves to spend their life with you but in the mean time I hope to enjoy getting YOU back xxx