Would this be the end for you?

[OhPeggySue]

Been together 18 years. Last 3 very up and down. He is abusive at times but to the outside world, charming, attractive, intelligent, good company etc. Increasingly shown me very little affection or physical touch, never says he misses me or is looking forward to seeing me (after weeks apart due to work. Always tells his adult kids that he's looking forward to seeing them tho). I've raised it several times and tried to say that I feel so distant from him. Nothing changes. I'm not a needy or clingy person. I just think a relationship should have some warmth otherwise what's the point. I said something today (we are away for Christmas) and he said I do say nice things. I said, give me a for instance. He said, I say your clothes are nice. That was all he could come up with. I have nice clothes. I just laughed. I'm fed up of trying. He's gone to bed for a siesta, I'm in the pub. I think it's unsalvageable really. I think I have to accept he no longer loves or fancies me.

Sounds like my ex, emotionally unavailable angry man with narcissistic traits. I'm sorry you're in this situation

My STBHX is outwardly a kind generous fun person, but treated me as an extension of himself. I had to think, feel and act the same as him or he got angry.

There was full on FOG, DARVO and gaslighting. The best thing I ever did was see a private therapist.

It does bug me sometimes that most people see him, even now, as a great guy. But the people that matter to me know how things really are.

Let go of those feelings, what the world thinks really isn’t that important.

Yeah, I'm not bothered about others thinking he's wonderful. A very close friend of mine doesn't even really get it, no matter how much I explain. She says that we must love each other really to still be together all these years and she sees that we have a good life with holidays and restaurants etc. Yes, I do kind of still love him maybe ish, although he's killed a lot of warm feelings I have towards him but it doesn't negate the emotional abuse. His dad is abusive too but this is just excused away, so there's a tendancy to whitewash the truth within the family.

You are financially independent with your own home so why stay with this thoroughly unpleasant sounding man? Do you have a DD? A young female relative or colleague? What would you say to them if they were in a relationship like this?
I think it's very sad that you seem to have low self esteem and can't imagine life as a single woman.

Mine was very similar, except he didn't have the redeeming feature of being a cook. I LTB and have found the most lovely man, my heart is full again and I wish I married him instead. Obviously can't change that now but I do thank my lucky stars I got away from my draining, nasty ex. Don't waste any more time, you'll be happier on your own than dealing with daily rejection and walking on eggshells. You'll be shocked at how relieved you feel to have the mental burden of him off your mind

Sounds like he won't much notice if you leave.

Exactly what I thought.

The longer you stay with this drama llama, the less time you’ll have to move on and live peacefully.

I've booked in to see a counsellor in the new year. I feel ground down and want to build up some strength and resilience. I've started to very much mentally check out of the relationship though. My heart is no longer in it. I've got no desire now to try and creep round him and make things better and pander to his moods. My heart is racing with anxiety a lot of the time but I know this will eventually pass. I've come to bed early to get away from it all. He's acting like all's normal but it's not all normal at all. He's off tomorrow with his kids to a NY party. I won't go cos the host is a massive prick. He's been vile to me at a past party and I just won't be in his company any more. Then just a couple more days to limp through til he's back to work and then I will get some time and space to think clearly. My heart is shattered from all the broken dreams and lost future plans but I just can't go on like this any longer.

It's over. It's done. I reached the end of my line. I am broken. All I want is for him to ring me and say sorry and let's make this work. That's not going to happen and I know that in my heart. I feel numb, in shock and my legs are like jelly. My heart is racing and I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of a panic attack. I am embarrassed that I let it go on so long. That I glossed over some appalling behaviour from him. I just feel like an absolute shattered shell of a person now though.

@OhPeggySue I know it's heartbreaking but there really is no going back. What if he did ring and beg? You'd be ok for say 6 months tops and then it would revert and you'd be back to square 1.

There's only one way to go now. You've done the hard part. You really will be ok.

Don't feel bad for wanting more than he can give you.

Well done OP for leaving him. Don’t let him talk you round, he won’t change. We are on this Earth a short time, don’t waste another day in this abusive relationship. Get out there and live life and stay away from this loser

It will get better OP. When I left my exH it took me a few weeks to stop feeling just totally she’ll shocked.

I feel like I've wrecked my life and made an utterly stupid decision. He had so many good points. Funny, good company, handsome, generous, good fun, easy company, always wanted to do stuff together, loved holidays, no weird habits or hobbies. Was talking about next Christmas, talking about our holidays this year, talking about the project house we'd buy in April. His dad is very poorly and he's under a huge amount of pressure with work etc. I feel like I should have maybe just managed his moods better. Ignored him when he was in a bad mood. No one is perfect. There is no way back for us now though. He will have just closed his emotions off like a shut door and will loathe me for doing this now whilst his dad is so ill. He'd never forgive me for that.

OP it isn't your job to manage your partners emotions. Waking on eggshells is no way to live. When people are having a hard time in life it does not give them carte blanche to take it out on you.
It's normal to wobble when leaving an abuser.
Every time you miss him think of some of the nasty things he did. The way you felt in that moment. You've done the right thing in leaving but it will take time to see that. Be kind to yourself

He is abusive at times
And THAT is all you need consider. Stop asking him for affection, stop expecting him to change.

You have one life. Why spend the rest of it begging an abusive man to not be abusive?

I feel like I should have maybe just managed his moods better.

PeggySue - it's not women's responsibility to manage the moods of ill-behaved men. You are going to be so much happier when you are no longer dominated by his bullying selfishness, bad temper, & lack of affection & respect for you.

OP you’re grieving what you once thought you had, and the relationship you hoped to have. That’s normal and understandable.

But you can’t have a happy life with someone who throws coffee machines. 🤷‍♀️ It simply isn’t possible.

You deserve to spend the rest if your life happily. Maybe even with someone who’s kind to you and will care about you when you’re old.

Well done for taking this step towards a happier future. It’ll hurt for a while but then it will be better.

"He is abusive at times" would be the end for me, nevermind the other shit.

Was he bothered when you left? Why do you say there's no way back?

Thank you. I'm trying. I understand I'll be up and down. Its just awful to think of the future without him. I know I've done the right thing but I guess I still love him or the version of him that my mind wants desperately to cling on to anyway.

His daughter in law described him to me as a perverted misogynist. His eldest son said he's selfish and lacks any ability to reflect on his behaviour and has no self awareness. They adore him of course but they see his behaviour too.

One of the last interactions we had was him snapping at me because I said see you rather than goodbye to him (too casual, not enough emotion in my tone) and didn't jump up quickly enough to kiss him. I didn't but I was so miserable by this point and defeated that I just didn't have it in me. I did still kiss him but this is from a man who had spent the previous 3 weeks being moody towards me and not showing the slightest bit of affection or regard towards me. He would say otherwise if asked.of course.

Not bothered at all. No emotion. Just practicalities to sort out. No way back because he's furious inside that I've done this to him. Especially right now with his dad so ill. All my fault. Plus, it's pretty obvious he no longer loves me anyway, so he's probably relieved.

I dont think a happier life awaits me. We had lovely holidays together (albeit he ruined most of them with his sulking and shouting and ignoring me when I did some perceived slight). We had a very nice lifestyle. He's got so many good points. I won't find anyone else, not that I want to. I've got absolutely zero desire for any other relationship. The damage he's done to me has left me a shadow of my former self.

I'd bet my last pound that they don't 'adore' him. How can you adore someone who behaves like that? They tolerate him, and feel obligated towards him because he is family. I can assure you they do not adore him.

As for your 'lovely' life together, it's the cat shit in the tea analogy isn't it. A lovely cup of tea, but it's got a teaspoon of cat shit in it is not a lovely cup of tea. You wouldn't touch it. Don't waste any more energy on missing this arse of a man. Feel grateful you're no longer with someone who only has to offer cat shit tea.