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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this be the end for you?

117 replies

OhPeggySue · 17/12/2022 16:50

Been together 18 years. Last 3 very up and down. He is abusive at times but to the outside world, charming, attractive, intelligent, good company etc. Increasingly shown me very little affection or physical touch, never says he misses me or is looking forward to seeing me (after weeks apart due to work. Always tells his adult kids that he's looking forward to seeing them tho). I've raised it several times and tried to say that I feel so distant from him. Nothing changes. I'm not a needy or clingy person. I just think a relationship should have some warmth otherwise what's the point. I said something today (we are away for Christmas) and he said I do say nice things. I said, give me a for instance. He said, I say your clothes are nice. That was all he could come up with. I have nice clothes. I just laughed. I'm fed up of trying. He's gone to bed for a siesta, I'm in the pub. I think it's unsalvageable really. I think I have to accept he no longer loves or fancies me.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 06/01/2023 19:17

You have a very odd view of a ‘lovely life’

He is abusive
He is violent
He doesn't love you
He doesn't care about you
Everything had to revolve around your ex, or he’d hold it against you, even picking a movie to watch had to be on his terms or he’d use it against in future!
He withheld affection
He chose to spend new years without you at a mates who is nasty to you, instead of at home celebrating with you.

yes, you had a lot of disposable income between you by the sounds of things, and you think he’s good looking.

His kids and their partner describe him as ‘perverted’ so god knows what he’s done to her. And yet you think they worship him. I imagine they’re waiting for him to drop dead so they’ll get financial recompense for putting up with him

and yet he was wonderful?

glad you’re having therapy.

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 06/01/2023 22:45

I can see why you'd say all that. I get it. I know I'm deluded. I both know it and am finding it hard to accept it at the same time. He's not violent though. I'm not defending him but he just isn't. He won't have done anything to his sons partner. I'd stake my life on it. The sons absolutely will not be waiting for him to drop dead. His daughter has a much more strained relationship with him but he's very close to his sons. You're not wrong about anything else. It's just tough to take it all in. The abuse has really done a number on me.

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 07/01/2023 07:20

But he is violent… just the other day he threw a coffee machine!!

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 07/01/2023 08:22

Poppyblush · 07/01/2023 07:20

But he is violent… just the other day he threw a coffee machine!!

I just meant towards me. I'm not justifying it at all but I get that we can all be frustrated at times. He really isn't a violent man. Not that it matters...he's many other things!

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 07/01/2023 08:25

He threw a coffee machine TOWARDS you?

But he isn't violent...

Okay. You do you, as they say 🙄

SatInMySpottyOnesie · 07/01/2023 08:28

Reading all of your own posts on this thread may help you to see that you are absolutely doing the right thing for you.
From the outside it looks like you are more scared of change; putting up with him and all of his shite is familiar and “the easy option”
In a year’s time I’d love an update from you and expect you will be in a much happier place kicking yourself for not doing anything about it sooner.
The first step is the hardest one and you’ve done that ✊🏻 good luck OP 💐

Herejustforthisone · 07/01/2023 09:31

FlowerArranger · 07/01/2023 08:25

He threw a coffee machine TOWARDS you?

But he isn't violent...

Okay. You do you, as they say 🙄

She meant he wasn’t violent towards her, not that he threw the coffee machine towards her.

Not that is matters. He sounds like an appalling narcissistic cunt and in time the OP will realise how much lighter her life is.

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 07/01/2023 09:39

FlowerArranger · 07/01/2023 08:25

He threw a coffee machine TOWARDS you?

But he isn't violent...

Okay. You do you, as they say 🙄

No, he didn't throw the machine towards me. I meant that he's not violent towards me.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhPeggySue · 07/01/2023 09:46

Herejustforthisone · 07/01/2023 09:31

She meant he wasn’t violent towards her, not that he threw the coffee machine towards her.

Not that is matters. He sounds like an appalling narcissistic cunt and in time the OP will realise how much lighter her life is.

Show quote history

Thank you.

He is absolutely a narcissist. He doesn't have unaccomplished notions of his power and success, as he's ceo of a well known global business. He ticks every other box though many times over. I could detail innumerable incidents of him screaming and swearing at me, of him gaslighting me, twisting things, manipulating etc so why do I want more than anything really for him to call me, say sorry, let's try again. I'm ridiculous and pathetic. I get that. The world thinks he's wonderful. Funny, smart, a great leader, a great dad, generous, good fun etc. Its just that behind closed doors, to me, he's awful. He would refute that. In fact, he's called me abusive. I know I'm not.

OP posts:
NewStartNow · 07/01/2023 10:02

Find your anger at being treated this way.
Throwing objects, whether at you or not, is violence. It's intimidation... Look what can happen when he 'loses control'. Bet he doesn't do that in the workplace.
Really do some research on abusive men (and women).
"why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. This will help you identify those niggling feelings that you can't quite put your finger on that probably subsequently get squashed down.
You deserve better.

Ofcourseshecan · 07/01/2023 10:56

Ragwort · 19/12/2022 09:02

Just get rid, what does he add to your life ... so what if he's good looking and 'very senior' Hmm ... those sound very shallow reasons to be with someone.

Yes, just what I thought.

Nothing in He's very good looking, very funny, clever, witty, good easy company, generous, tall dark handsome, very senior blar blar says anything about him as a person or a lover. Except maybe ‘easy company’ and ‘generous’ - but he sounds the opposite of generous to you.

He’s starving you to death, OP.

Please leave and find people who like you.

Ofcourseshecan · 07/01/2023 10:58

We had lovely holidays together (albeit he ruined most of them with his sulking and shouting and ignoring me when I did some perceived slight).

Aaaaagh! Please read what you’re saying, OP! That’s a fucking nightmare holiday!

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 07/01/2023 11:10

Ofcourseshecan · 07/01/2023 10:58

We had lovely holidays together (albeit he ruined most of them with his sulking and shouting and ignoring me when I did some perceived slight).

Aaaaagh! Please read what you’re saying, OP! That’s a fucking nightmare holiday!

I know that. I know it. I'm not oblivious. I know I'm in cloud cuckoo land. I just don't want this to be real. 18 years together. I tried so hard. I know it takes 2 and it's pointless if he doesn't want it. I know about sunk costs fallacy. I know about narcissists and abuse. I just don't want it to be real. Last week, he was talking about our next Christmas and our next holiday and our next house. He was asking for a cuddle in bed. All whilst being volatile, ignoring me most of the time, throwing tantrums etc. It's a head fuck. I don't know which way is up. Totally normal for a woman emerging from an abusive relationship. I just don't want this to be actually happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhPeggySue · 07/01/2023 11:12

Ofcourseshecan · 07/01/2023 10:56

Yes, just what I thought.

Nothing in He's very good looking, very funny, clever, witty, good easy company, generous, tall dark handsome, very senior blar blar says anything about him as a person or a lover. Except maybe ‘easy company’ and ‘generous’ - but he sounds the opposite of generous to you.

He’s starving you to death, OP.

Please leave and find people who like you.

Show quote history

I didn't think it was a bad description of a person! When we were having sex, he was a great lover. We had passionate sex. As a person...well, funny, smart, generous, good fun etc. Not sure what's wrong with that?

OP posts:
Original poster
OhPeggySue · 09/01/2023 18:44

Had my first counselling session today. No revelations in there but it was good to have a space to blurt it all out. I definitely feel a bit lighter, a bit freer, a bit unburdened now. Its going to be a long process though. I know there's no quick fix. I still want him to ring me and say, let's try again but I know that isn't going to happen. Not spoken for a week now and he's abroad for a week with work, so I won't hear from him until he's back at the earliest and then it'll be just to sort out a few practicalities.

OP posts:
unsync · 09/01/2023 19:04

Be kind to yourself. You are grieving for the life and future you thought you had. Whether the reality matches your image of it is irrelevant, it's still a loss to you and will take time to process.

Leomii81 · 09/01/2023 21:19

Think you're in love with the idea of what it could be like rather than what it really is like

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 10/01/2023 19:57

Leomii81 · 09/01/2023 21:19

Think you're in love with the idea of what it could be like rather than what it really is like

Well, yes, probably. There are (were) some awesome bits. Lots of good conversations, laughter, holidays, meals out, good sex, intimacy, very privileged lifestyle etc. There were also some really awful bits which have left me a shadow of my former self. My self confidence and sense of self have been stripped from me. I have raging anxiety and can feel myself free-falling in to depression. I feel like all that I have known for 18 years has been ripped from under my feet. He's a narcissist and I've only just seen it and now I feel unutterably wretched, stupid, despondent and destabilised.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhPeggySue · 10/01/2023 19:59

unsync · 09/01/2023 19:04

Be kind to yourself. You are grieving for the life and future you thought you had. Whether the reality matches your image of it is irrelevant, it's still a loss to you and will take time to process.

Thank you. I have lost my parents and my best friend of 30 years died too last year. I've now lost my relationship of 18 years. I'm finding it tough to even get out of bed each morning quite frankly right now.

OP posts:
Sodamncold · 14/01/2023 16:33

Op i feel for you, especially as he is so unbothered by the relationship ending.

it seems like over the last 3 years, he has gradually fallen out of love with you but rather than address the issue, he’s chosen to behave badly. And now you took the initiative and he’s relieved.

Surely being on your own is better than being with someone who doesn’t seem to like you, or certainly not treat you as such

Original poster
OhPeggySue · 15/01/2023 20:51

He's utterly unbothered. Nearly 2 weeks and not a word from him. We have joint stuff to sort out and not a single word from him. Yes, relieved is probably right. I am broken by the whole sorry saga.

OP posts:
Swimawayyy · 15/01/2023 21:09

Lots of love OP 💐

MouseRoar · 15/01/2023 21:26

Just wanted to offer condolences for your many recent losses, it is no wonder you are laid so low and I hope you find comfort.

Also wanted to say, you sound smart and compassionate and insightful, so when you are feeling shit, just know that even random people on the Internet can see your value.

It won't always be this hard x

Sunsetintheeast · 15/01/2023 21:39

You will come back up OP. This is early days. Eat, walk, sleep, breath. You will get through.

FlowerArranger · 15/01/2023 21:52

This is tough, but it has been a long time coming, and your rational self knows that you are better off without him. Can you focus on things that give you joy? Maybe try something new - painting or exercising or reading poetry or listening to an unfamiliar type of music?

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