DW can't stand DD

[fredthemed]

Not sure what to do. DW is really nasty to 11yr old DD. DD does misbehave. DW thinks DD is exceptionally bad and has "betrayed her trust too many times". DW admitted she would be happier if DD left. She claims she loves DD but evidences this by saying she buys her nice clothes etc. DD said she wants to go far away from her mum. But she doesnt want to leave her younger sister who gets on fine with DW. DD is imo a fairly normal girl with a strong tendency towards play and fun and games and a hatred of hard work. DW is very strict about work and hates mindless and messy play. I get on ok with DW but find it very difficult living with the shouting and crying. DW things she has done nothing wrong and anyone would act the same as her. She would never accept parenting advice or therapy.

My children’s dad was like this to our eldest, he’s now an ex. Please don’t be passive and do nothing whilst this is happening to your daughter

She doesn't deserve the title "DW"

Well he’s not much better

neither of them deserve DM or DF that’s for sure

So now you’ve flipped to… the OP is a troll?

My mum was emotionally abusive to me and my dad. My dad kept saying he was going to leave her as her treatment of me was unacceptable but in the end he didn't and they are still together. As an adult I came to realise that he let me down by not protecting me from her. There was a lot of hitting as well although this stopped when I eventually started hitting back. I only wish I'd started earlier. It's affected my relationship with my dad as well as he failed me.

Everyone seems to be blaming the DW here but your story contradicts itself. One minute you say that DD is a normal, adventurous girl and the next you say she does 'lie, steal and cheat all the time'. Which is it?

I would say you have a DW AND a DD problem. There is no excuse for your DW to withhold food or be abusive but if your 11 year old is lying and stealing all the time, there's a problem there that also needs to be urgently tackled.

If this story is true then you all urgently need help.

It's emotional abuse for both girls. The eldest should not be feeling she needs to take mum's side. No child should be demonized, whatever their behaviour. The only right response is unconditional love aligned with good, responsible parenting. The three of you need to leave "DW".

But @icantseeyourightnow it depends on what the dd is allegedly 'stealing' taking food and lying about it?
Although this tale is getting close to that book 'Child called It' for me.

Gosh, aren't you a gem of a parent! Get a backbone and take you 11 year old away from this women.

I'm not calling her mum, she doesn't deserve the name. She's abusing both of your children and I'd go as far to say she's probs abusing you also.

Don't fall into her trap and turn against your 11 yo like your other daughter. Your wife is a nasty piece of work and I'd be leaving with my kids as soon as feasible.

What exactly does your child do and how old is she?

Very very odd post @fredthemed

My husband wouldn't stand for this. I know there would be an ultimatum and that he would leave with the kids if I behaved like this. Your poor, poor daughter.

@fredthemed This is the most distressing thing I have ever read on here. Please protect your DD.
This is unforgivable abuse.
Maybe show your wife this thread - what an absolute bitch she is.

STOP
LETTING
YOUR
CHILD
BE
ABUSED

That sounds so cruel, your poor DD

Oh I hope this post isn't true.

Reading between the lines, are you an academic, ambitious family?

”Not doing her homework?”

If education is highly esteemed in your family then your DW would see not giving dinner as justified.

She praises the other DD who presumably is academic, toes the line and fulfils her expectations.

The reason your poor DD is lying and stealing is because she’s being rejected by her DM who has placed education and success above unconditional love.

Your DW needs to learn that children who are loved and supported in life do the best. Academics can only take you so far.

DW sounds extremely controlling. One wonders what her upbringing was like. The same or worse presumably.

She needs to change. Urgently. I’m

You're absolutely correct @uhOhOP - he didn't say screaming, he said shouting.
Obviously that means everything's just fine in that household, yeah?

Not sure how you reckon it's "reading between the lines" when I'm responding to exactly what OP says the facts are.
Which are - according to OP - that his wife does all the things that I've quoted above. Screaming shouting, unfavourable comparisons, ganging up, stating she wants the child to leave.

Do tell me which of those things you think I've made up are reading between the lines?

Your dw doesnt seem to understand her responsibility to help dd grow up to be a better person. You dont just berate and punish a child. She needs to nurture and encourage good behaviour. Not just punish bad behaviour. We all have times we struggle parenting. Sometimes i feel like one of my kids is hard to get along with, but thats my responsibility to then reconnect and improve things. If your wife cannot understand that simple thing then thats abusive

My mum was a bit like this, not so severe but it was clear she saw me as defective and a problem though she could cite the things she did for me. It really fucked me up. I don't know what you can do other than make it clear that you at least unconditionally accept and love your DD, and spend as much 1 on 1 time with her as possible.

He could try removing her from his wife's orbit.
I bet that would get an instant improvement.
Wouldn't you start feeling & behaving better, if you no longer had to live with a mother who hates you?

Well quite.
& whether it's genuine or bullshit - PP in similar circumstances can benefit from the advice.

I don't know what your problem is with what I'm saying. You mistakenly said that the woman screams at the child. It's not a difference of "screaming" versus "shouting". OP said the woman shouts, but he didn't say she shouts at the child. For all you know, she might be shouting at OP in private, as opposed to screaming at the child, which is what you originally said. There is a big difference between screaming and shouting, anyway, but there is also a big difference between screaming at a child and shouting [potentially at a spouse].

The reading between the lines would be where you asked if I'm "seriously suggesting the child is just inherently evil".

Family therapy for all of you. This is a toxic dynamic. Children have different personalities and drive/ambition. A parent cannot judge a 2nd child by the innate standard of a first born child. A parent cannot expect a child to be just like them. The 2nd child is 11 already and needs to be celebrated for her uniqueness and guided sensitively and mentored.

Also if you label a child early on as not good enough compared to a sibling then of course they will lie/cheat/misbehave. Your DW needs to start love bombing and celebrating this child too. Unfortunately even if you leave, it won’t be good enough. Your DW needs to repair the relationship or your DD will be left with scars for life. You need to make your DW understand this fundamentally - that love for a child and support comes first and trumps all else. You cannot have fulfilment of potential without the first. The fulfilment of potential will be different for every child and if you have a golden first child that is already toxic for the younger one.