Any Pakistani ladies here?

[Oleander23]

I met someone at work a year and a half ago with whom i had an instant attraction to and chemistry. I fell in love. We have an amazing time together. We are both 27. But.. he is Muslim and I am not. He told me that he is deeply in love with me but his culture and family expects him to have an arranged marriage with a Muslim woman. I am Christian. I do not want to convert for the sake of his family and even if I did, I do not think I would be accepted as I am not Pakistani. I know there is no future for him and me but I want to ask Pakistani women whether the pressure is really that high in these families? What would happen if he stood up for me? He is not strong enough to do that though so I need to let go and not waste anymore of my time. Do you know any Pakistani men with Christian women that got married and accepted?

Hi op I’m friends with someone in this situation but she did convert. Technically Muslim men can marry out of religion. The fact he’s saying he won’t marry you is a pretty big thing. He’s not exactly putting you before his family. I’m sorry. I’m not saying he’s a terrible person, I’m jsuf saying his family come first and you need to find someone else. ❤️

And my friend has completely changed! She loves his family but it is very family first and she takes on a very traditional role in the household.

Run. This is only going to get worse.

I know I have to…

I worked alongside a nurse years ago who was in a 2 year relationship with a Pakistani doctor who was Muslim. They made a lovely couple and were inseparable. He did tell her there was no long term future for them as his family expected him to return home to Pakistan after 2 years and join his father’s medical practice.

My friend would have gone with him but he said his family would not accept a white non Muslim woman. It was clear he wasn’t going to go against his parents wishes. They had a passionate 2 year relationship then he returned to Pakistan and married his cousin. My friend was heartbroken.,

Run. It won't end well.

Oh really? And they accepted her with no issues? Do they live separately from the family?

Yes it seems these men do not go against their families.

Same story here. I know he is using me for a pre-marriage fun and i know I have to stop this but it is hard because we work together.

All religious beliefs are pretty misogynistic. I am really not keen on dating an evangelist Christian either.

That said, family is important to S Asians in a way you will never be. Better avoid heartbreak.

She reverted completely to Islam and yes his family were good and liked her but I think they are a special situation. But from the start she knew she had to revert to keep him. Also this sounds silly but she looks very Pakistani 😂 She’s not actually but she has the dark hair and eyes but fair skin.

I get on with her so well but she has changed so much. She does all cooking and cleaning as his family say it’s the woman’s job. She’s obviously Muslim now and has stopped seeing a lot of her non Muslim friends as they don’t have much in common anymore (they used to go out and get drunk a lot which obviously she no longer does). She also dresses very modestly (but beautifully!) in Pakistani clothes. His family live in Pakistan but are over ALL the time and live in the house. They come first!

She has gorgeous kids and she loves him but she had to change a lot for him. The big difference here though op is that your guy doesn’t sound willing at all.

Muslim or not many more traditional south Asians would not want to marry outside their community, ie their specific community like Jat or Dogra etc etc.
Family can be synonymous with community. Cutting yourself offfrom your community can be social suicide, job, housing etc compromised. I’d bee we somewhat grateful for his honesty and realism in that respect. Not all families are bound in this way but many are. It’s analogous to a Protestant marrying a catholic in NI 40 years ago. With the best will in the works it’s going to be very difficult.

Depends on families. I am S Asian, did not have an arranged marriage and my DC won't be either. But we are not very traditional and I am not tied to my parents.
But this guy is telling you what he is, so believe him.

True...it's rife in evangelical Christianity too.

Yes, I probably don’t know what I would be getting myself into.

I am married to Pakistani man (l am white muslim (not convert)). My husbands family accepted me and are great. But I know they would have preferred pakistani girl from their circle. I also know families: pakistani man + eastern european girls. They have converted, but cannot really say they follow much. I work, even though we can afford for me not to. So not all pakistanis are the same. But from what you are saying, if he is not willing to stand up against his family, your life is going to be hell. Better to stop it now. Even if you convert (which you shouldn't be doing for the sake of husband), there will be so many problems in pakistani family with person like you are describing. Run!

Her story is interesting and that his family was accepting although she has of course converted. No, he is not strong enough and he will not go against them. I am just having an emotional outpour here as I am so in love with him and oblivious to the futility of all this.

Run. You are heading for heartache. And he will pull out the stops to suck you back in. Then blame his family

What's your relationship like, OP?

Do you live together? Has he expressed plans for the future?

In theory if you are a practicing Christian you can marry a Muslim man without converting as long as the children from the marriage adopt the fathers faith. In reality you would need to convert to Islam to marry. And to a Pakistani more focus would be in you accepting the cultural aspects which sometimes are not linked to Islam.
i know if some relationships that’s are still together but that’s when the man steps up and takes a stand. Don’t continue with the fooling around as unfortunately then ther may be some who will expect this and never commit.

thank you for that! Are all Pakistani men like this ie they do not take a stand if they have a non- muslim partner? They are already searching for a girl for him apparently…

I’ve worked with several Muslim men. One Iranian man was lovely and not very religious, I think he’d have married a non Muslim woman if it came down to it, he was married to a French Iranian woman.

The others it was more or less expected that they marry Muslim women, preferably from Pakistan and their village. They often had to “go home” if someone senior was sick or had died and then often after Thad there was an engagement/marriage announcement. The worrying thing for me was when I asked the men what they thought about honour killings, they both didn’t say that they were in favour but didn’t say they were not in favour either, which disgusted me, both were in their 20s. I took this to mean they would carry out this or be in favour of it happening.

I also worked with a British born Iraqi parents woman who married two non Muslims, divorced the first one. She wasn’t very religious though.

I worked with a Muslim man whose parents I think wanted him to marry a Muslim woman but he wasn’t keen, he eventually went travelling to South America and I think married a Chilean woman and they’ve got a baby.

I think what this man is saying loud and clear is what his family say goes and he’s not prepared to defy them in marrying a non Muslim woman.

He says they would disown him. I am trying to reduce contact with him but he is pursuing me hard.. despite saying he is not able to have a lasting relationship with me. I know i am a fling and need to run.