Any Pakistani ladies here?

[Oleander23]

I met someone at work a year and a half ago with whom i had an instant attraction to and chemistry. I fell in love. We have an amazing time together. We are both 27. But.. he is Muslim and I am not. He told me that he is deeply in love with me but his culture and family expects him to have an arranged marriage with a Muslim woman. I am Christian. I do not want to convert for the sake of his family and even if I did, I do not think I would be accepted as I am not Pakistani. I know there is no future for him and me but I want to ask Pakistani women whether the pressure is really that high in these families? What would happen if he stood up for me? He is not strong enough to do that though so I need to let go and not waste anymore of my time. Do you know any Pakistani men with Christian women that got married and accepted?

I don’t think you understand Muslim culture and especially in relation to eg Pakistan. They are still quite backward when it comes to women, marriage, and marrying a girl from their village. That’s how strict they are, they prefer someone, preferably a cousin for them to marry.

The man who defys them will most likely be shunned by his family. It can happen but is extremely rare.

Find “Murdered By My Father” which is a BBC short film about honour killings but also arranged marriage, based on a true incident.

He is using you and doesn't respect you. Ask him what would he say if someone treats his sister the same way he treats you. Don't waste your time, OP.

What he’s probably after is sex and once he’s got that he’ll be off.

Very few Muslim girls engage in sex before marriage.

It's fine if he wants to be the traditional guy who marries according to his family's/community's wishes.

But you actually love him and want more.

Knowing that, how fucking dare he pursue you? What, you're good enough to fuck around with but nothing more?

Find your anger, tell him to respect himself, respect his religion, respect you, and leave you alone.

This, exactly. Would he be happy with someone approaching his sister and saying, "I wouldn't dream of marrying someone like you but could we fuck around?"

Yeah leave it OP. I know a muslim man happily married to a Sikh woman, neither are religious just did a civil wedding, plenty of wine at the reception so it’s not inevitable that men from a muslim background are like this. Some people come from extremely traditional backgrounds. I have white members of my family both male and female but my family is quite relaxed and no-one has ever mentioned conversion but I’m not muslim and it’s not a big thing for every south asian family.

He’s telling you want to expect, you don’t want to waste years on him when you can find someone you can actually build a life with. He will drag it out till the last minute and all of sudden you will get a call saying “I’m getting married next week, I did tell you this would happen”. Save yourself some pain OP and never date a man who wouldn’t be happy to introduce you to his family ever again. Also stop thinking about it in terms of whether he’s strong enough, sounds like he told you from the outset, he never intended you to be a long term thing, it’s not about strength, he may very much want that kind of life as his actual family life.

If he really loved you he wouldn’t do this. You deserve real love.

You are trying to generalise everyone from an entire faith, there really isn't a single consciousness that it going to help you get what you want from him.

It doesn't sound like he isn't strong enough to break away, it sounds like he doesn't want to.

If he marries outside his faith, there is so much to compromise on for the rest of your lives. He isn't wanting to go down that path.

You need to walk away from this one.

What do the Muslim women who are "found" by the families as a suitable wife think of their husband's pre wedding philandering with non Muslim women / any women? Seems so hypocritical and... backwards, I guess. I would say that about any religion with these practices.

Gotta agree with the 'find your anger' comment. Tell him to fuck off and leave you alone, you're not a concubine.

Also, side note, if you have kids, won't you want to raise them Christian? Would be hard to do that when the father is from a different faith.

Plus there are potentially different expectations on women and girls in his culture that won't sit well with you.

I'm Indian, but I know a lot of Pakistani people.

From a South Asian Muslim perspective, it entirely depends on how progressive the family are. I have cousins who have married outside their culture (black and white included) but they are all Muslim.

I think the issue you have is that you are not Muslim and you don't want to revert which will make life a lot more difficult than if you were a White Muslim.

My friend is an Indian Muslim and has married into a Pakistani family. Her husband does not speak up for her to his family who treat her like an outcast. Indians are the closest to Pakistanis that you can get!!!

I'm really sorry OP, but it seems he's stringing you along. You deserve so much better.

He is using you yes.

If he was a decent guy he wouldn’t continue this with a woman he knows wants more.

Honestly OP, he might be fun and good in bed, but you don’t want a man like this for a life partner.

See him for what he is and move on. I know you work together but it’s not THAT hard.

I can add that I know of plenty of mixed marriages. Just like other marriages, some work out fine, others don't.

The "parents" thing is a red herring. He's telling you that he wants a traditional marriage setup with all of the social and professional benefits that would bring. And in the meantime he wants to mess around.

Get the ick. Tell him you're not interested in weak men.

What an ignorant and racist reply.

Is he maybe breadcrumbing you a bit OP? It sounds like he's feeding you hope every now and then? Or is it just the fact that you really want it to work? All sympathy, it's really hard to see it clearly when you're all loved-up!

Sorry, don't know if that is for me. I do appreciate the enormous importance of family/community, just thinking it could very well be that's he's also wanting the tradmarriage. Sorry to offend you @Shesasuperfreak

Op, if you are Christian, please be aware that the Bible states that we are not to marry Non-Christians...for a reason, as I have found out.

I became a Christian a few years after marrying my atheist husband and my worldview totally changed. He has just about accepted it and while it has been difficult at times, I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would be with a Muslim husband.

Please start respecting yourself because this man really, really doesn't.

Sometimes, the secret nature of the relationship makes it all the more intense and consuming but slowly reality kicks in and you realise that you're a dirty secret and he's simply having fun with you.

He will not stand up and fight for you, if he wanted to, he could sans conversion.

He wants to be the good Pakistani boy at home which means you are not part of that fit. He is a weak person and you deserve so much more. This game he's playing with you will only leave you damaged. Please, please walk away.

I'm Indian, was bought up around Indians and Pakistanis and I'm telling you, this isn't going to be your happy ever after.

Wow so many responses thank you!. I think he has genuine feelings for me but you can have love for someone and still use them I suppose. It is hard because the chemistry, attraction, fun is amazing between us but I also do recognize that he is from a different world. It is hard becaue I am absolutelly besotted with him and cannot distance at work. I think I need to change jobs. … as it will end up really badly for me.

No Coffeetree not you but GonnaGetGoingReturns speakingf or all the Muslim and Pakistani culture. Apparently looking for village cousins.

Hello. I'm a Pakistani lady married to an English gentleman (from a Christian family.) We've been married for 4 years and both our families have accepted us, for us it's worked.
I guess, you have to ask yourself what do you want from this relationship? You say he's not strong enough to stand up for you, then it won't work.
Muslim men can marry "women of the book" (Jews and Christians) without the woman having to convert.
There is pressure on Pakistani men and women to marry someone from the same country of origin but it really does depend on the family. If you both want marriage, you could start by meeting his Mum and see how you feel and how she responds to you, in that way it's the same as meeting any boyfriend's mum. Hope that helps.

Your culture and his are very different. It is very unlikely he will stand up to his family and even less likely they would accept you. If he had any serious intentions he would take you to meet his family.

Run.

Don't do it..I am in a mixed marriage and it doesn't work IME.

Dump the bastard and run far.

Even if you converted, even if you were the perfect Muslimah a traditional Muslim Pakistani family wouldn’t accept you. There is a strong belief in marrying kin - if not cousins, then people within their extended family circles. I would suggest you leave tbh