Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any Pakistani ladies here?

105 replies

Oleander23 · 16/12/2022 18:58

I met someone at work a year and a half ago with whom i had an instant attraction to and chemistry. I fell in love. We have an amazing time together. We are both 27. But.. he is Muslim and I am not. He told me that he is deeply in love with me but his culture and family expects him to have an arranged marriage with a Muslim woman. I am Christian. I do not want to convert for the sake of his family and even if I did, I do not think I would be accepted as I am not Pakistani. I know there is no future for him and me but I want to ask Pakistani women whether the pressure is really that high in these families? What would happen if he stood up for me? He is not strong enough to do that though so I need to let go and not waste anymore of my time. Do you know any Pakistani men with Christian women that got married and accepted?

OP posts:
shrubgreen · 17/12/2022 10:18

Oleander23 · 16/12/2022 19:13

Yes it seems these men do not go against their families.

...?

OP you sound like a nice person but rather ignorant. You've talked about "these men" and "these families" without recognising that:

A) not all Pakistani/Muslim people are the same, or have the same outlook, or make the same choices in life

B) It doesn't matter what other Pakistani men/families do anyway - the point is that your partner isn't prepared to have a long term relationship with you. Ditch him and find someone who does.

This isn't about religion or culture, it's about a shitbag man wanting to have his fun and won't think twice about how it makes you feel. This isn't the "love conquers all" scenario you might hope it does - not least because he's pretty much told you so. As others have said: run.

newmum93 · 17/12/2022 10:24

@Sunny1234567 I am exactly the same as you and have been married just over 4 years. How did your family take it at the start? It's been a long battle for me which seemed to have been resolved until I had my first child in October. There was so many questions and pressure from my mum about the upbringing that she then decided to go no contact with me because she didn't get to make all of the decisions.

Sunny1234567 · 17/12/2022 10:51

newmum93 · 17/12/2022 10:24

@Sunny1234567 I am exactly the same as you and have been married just over 4 years. How did your family take it at the start? It's been a long battle for me which seemed to have been resolved until I had my first child in October. There was so many questions and pressure from my mum about the upbringing that she then decided to go no contact with me because she didn't get to make all of the decisions.

I introduced my husband to my sister and mum first and they were both fully supportive. I was most nervous about introducing him to my Dad but in the end he was fine. We met a local imam who was happy to conduct the nikkah for us. Congratulations on your baby! I'd be happy to DM you, it's not often I meet women who've had a similar martial experience to myself.

Anxiousanddramatic · 17/12/2022 10:55

Married to a Pakistani Muslim man
Im mixed race none of which are Pakistani

It definitely depends on the man and the family
My husband was previously married to an English woman so once I came along I guess they had already gotten over all the drama of him marrying outside of his religion and race

My husband is not a strict Muslim he drinks and other things
Only thing he follows strictly is the no pork and halal meat only

For me personally it wasn't the religion that has caused too many differences
It's the culture

I see his family and most of them are fine and we get along great but I have had to deal with a ridiculous amount of racism and insults from the more traditional family members which is horrible and infuriating

Personally I wouldn't recommend it
I love my husband and he is great and like I said a lot of his family are brilliant too
However I've been referred to as "that white girl" by the elders in the family forever
Never bothered to learn my name
His grandmother to this day try's to tell him to let her take him to Pakistan and find him a wife even though we've been married 6 years and have 2 kids
His sister is friendly but is also probably one of the more racist towards me
Everything I do or say she follows by "oh it's cause your a gori" (their word for a whole person)
I've had family members speaking about me in their language right in front of me thinking I don't understand (after all these years I understand quite a bit)
I've been left out
Treated differently
Looked at funny
Once invited his parents for dinner and they packed their own food because they was worried about what kind of food I could cook and didn't trust me to cook halal meat
I've nursed his grandmother after hospital visits to have her say the absolute worst things about me

My husband is a strong man and doesn't take shit from anyone in day to day life but when he's around his family he slips into the role of the good Pakistani son and I've often caught him ignoring their insults towards me because he believes I don't understand and he said he didn't want to upset me so he just ignored it
Which is ridiculous I expect him to stand up for me

However
I have dated other Muslim/Pakistani men in the past and had some very modern family to were kind and accepted me
I was young at the time and they didn't care that I smoked cigarettes or drank alcohol
They didn't care how I dressed
I even lived with them unmarried for years which is almost unheard of

So each experience is different depending on the family and the man

The cultural differences are the worst in the relationship
My husband works hard to provide for our family but he believes his job ends there
I do all the house work take care of both children and him
And I work
We had many fights in the past about him helping out and doing jobs in the house
Now he is very good he cooks half of the week and baths the kids every night
And he helps around the house (occasionally)

This is a long post haha
It's hard work and I would suggest finding someone you have more in common with
I've struggled a lot in the years I've been with my husband and I love him but if you decide to carry on with your relationship and he decides to go against his family be prepared

IDontWantToBeAPie · 17/12/2022 11:33

He doesn't love you enough OP. If he did he would marry you anyway. If he won't then frankly... it's not love

Marriedtopakistani · 17/12/2022 11:53

So as mentioned before, from what I have seen, there is a big difference between Pakistani brought up in UK or in Pakistan.
Also difference between Muslim Asian and non Muslim Asian.

About the "not loving OP enough" is not necessary true, but it's just that their marriage customs are not purely based on "love." Having said this many of DH friends may have had arranged marriages but that doesn't mean they have no say in it.

DomPom47 · 17/12/2022 12:21

This is from my experience of 8 women that I have worked with over the years (all in my age ground just shy of 40). All married cousins from Pakistan although they were British born women themselves. Funnily enough for Pakistani men that I know again from work 3, all married Muslims but of different ethnic groups: Indian, Turkish and Somalian and this seemed fine. You need to have an open and honest conversation as no two families will be alike and so no two expectations will be alike.

PatientZorro · 17/12/2022 12:24

Aah I’m sorry OP, sounds pretty heartbreaking for you. I do think it’s best for your happiness in the long term to end it now though. It’s very tough on you 💐

Original poster
Oleander23 · 17/12/2022 16:12

So many hard truths! Thank you! I know you are all correct with your advice. He is a British Pakistani but his parents emigrated here as adults. But the family seems very conservative regardless. I know I would have to change a lot as they all live together and I am being very naive about it all.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 17/12/2022 16:19

Is he intending / hoping to carry on seeing you after he has got his ‘proper’ wife?

JamSandle · 17/12/2022 16:33

I would stop it now. You will lose yourself. A relationship should enhance you not diminish you.

AdoraBell · 17/12/2022 16:47

Haven’t RTFT but OP your post at 19:40 yesterday speaks volumes. He’s told you he won’t marry you and there’s no future for your relationship. Yet he still wants you while he can have his cake and eat it.

Stick to your guns, tell him it’s over and concentrate on yourself, friends and your job. Keep everything professional at work, and nothing social with him outside of work.

IsThePopeCatholic · 17/12/2022 17:01

He’s using you. I bet he wants to marry a virgin.

namechangee101 · 19/12/2022 00:29

Horrible thread this is. Haven’t been able to stomach half of the responses so haven’t rtft, and I can’t bear to think about the amount of education needed to change some people’s minds. However on your post OP, I think rather than asking random people for their opinions on a whole country’s people and their descendants and then making your decisions on a very specific person and situation based on the answers, I would find out a lot more information about this guy himself, his motivations and his specific family setup. Whilst I don’t disagree some people of a Pakistani heritage may have a propensity to please family members when making marital decisions (which isn’t required in the Muslim faith), my previous comment still stands we are in 2022 nearly 2023 and if he wanted to he would. I know enough interracial couples to know it can work, there’s no requirement for the resulting family unit to be skewed towards a more ‘traditional’ setup rather than a ‘westernised’ one, I would say I see both in equal measure, and this whole things reeks of this person not being able to commit, a trait which unfortunately transcends race, religion, colour, creed and even sex.

BecauseICan22 · 19/12/2022 13:22

Anxiousanddramatic · 17/12/2022 10:55

Married to a Pakistani Muslim man
Im mixed race none of which are Pakistani

It definitely depends on the man and the family
My husband was previously married to an English woman so once I came along I guess they had already gotten over all the drama of him marrying outside of his religion and race

My husband is not a strict Muslim he drinks and other things
Only thing he follows strictly is the no pork and halal meat only

For me personally it wasn't the religion that has caused too many differences
It's the culture

I see his family and most of them are fine and we get along great but I have had to deal with a ridiculous amount of racism and insults from the more traditional family members which is horrible and infuriating

Personally I wouldn't recommend it
I love my husband and he is great and like I said a lot of his family are brilliant too
However I've been referred to as "that white girl" by the elders in the family forever
Never bothered to learn my name
His grandmother to this day try's to tell him to let her take him to Pakistan and find him a wife even though we've been married 6 years and have 2 kids
His sister is friendly but is also probably one of the more racist towards me
Everything I do or say she follows by "oh it's cause your a gori" (their word for a whole person)
I've had family members speaking about me in their language right in front of me thinking I don't understand (after all these years I understand quite a bit)
I've been left out
Treated differently
Looked at funny
Once invited his parents for dinner and they packed their own food because they was worried about what kind of food I could cook and didn't trust me to cook halal meat
I've nursed his grandmother after hospital visits to have her say the absolute worst things about me

My husband is a strong man and doesn't take shit from anyone in day to day life but when he's around his family he slips into the role of the good Pakistani son and I've often caught him ignoring their insults towards me because he believes I don't understand and he said he didn't want to upset me so he just ignored it
Which is ridiculous I expect him to stand up for me

However
I have dated other Muslim/Pakistani men in the past and had some very modern family to were kind and accepted me
I was young at the time and they didn't care that I smoked cigarettes or drank alcohol
They didn't care how I dressed
I even lived with them unmarried for years which is almost unheard of

So each experience is different depending on the family and the man

The cultural differences are the worst in the relationship
My husband works hard to provide for our family but he believes his job ends there
I do all the house work take care of both children and him
And I work
We had many fights in the past about him helping out and doing jobs in the house
Now he is very good he cooks half of the week and baths the kids every night
And he helps around the house (occasionally)

This is a long post haha
It's hard work and I would suggest finding someone you have more in common with
I've struggled a lot in the years I've been with my husband and I love him but if you decide to carry on with your relationship and he decides to go against his family be prepared

This infuriates me!!!

The next time she calls you a 'gori', say 'well spotted racist SIL good thing I'm not a kuthi too, 'wink wink'.

Whataretheodds · 19/12/2022 17:09

Oleander23 · 17/12/2022 16:12

So many hard truths! Thank you! I know you are all correct with your advice. He is a British Pakistani but his parents emigrated here as adults. But the family seems very conservative regardless. I know I would have to change a lot as they all live together and I am being very naive about it all.

Buthe has shown no indication that he wants you in his life in that way.

You're anticipating in-law issues with the family of a man who's told you he won't marry you.

sosickofthisshit · 19/12/2022 17:22

I was married to a British Pakistani man for 18 years. All I'll say, is just run the fuck away and don't look back.

Original poster
Oleander23 · 19/12/2022 18:47

Can you please say more what was it like?

OP posts:
sosickofthisshit · 19/12/2022 22:18

It was a nightmare. I was always the 'gauri' outsider in his family, with them always looking down their noses at me, as if they were somehow culturally superior lol. He was controlling, misogynistic, expected me to work full time, do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, and do everything for our DS, so he could sit on his arse and do nothing, just like his dad did, as his mum did absolutely everything for him and his brothers and sister. And he wondered why I didn't want any more kids, ha 😒. He isolated me from my friends and family, and basically wanted my life to revolve around him. It was hell and it took me years to pluck up the courage to leave him.

SheenaShoemaker · 20/12/2022 08:06

Of the Asians I know well, it's more the Asian women who would marry a white man. Families were very accepting. The very few asian men who marry white women tend to be with quiet, domesticated types, who fit in with their family. Lots tend to be eastern european ive noticed.

Op, you should be with someone who accepts you for who you are. He's showing you he doesn't want you enough. Find someone who will.

Original poster
Oleander23 · 20/12/2022 09:20

Thank you! I am glad you have managed to free yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oleander23 · 20/12/2022 09:20

You are right, thank you!

OP posts:
SirMingeALot · 20/12/2022 09:28

shrubgreen · 17/12/2022 10:18

...?

OP you sound like a nice person but rather ignorant. You've talked about "these men" and "these families" without recognising that:

A) not all Pakistani/Muslim people are the same, or have the same outlook, or make the same choices in life

B) It doesn't matter what other Pakistani men/families do anyway - the point is that your partner isn't prepared to have a long term relationship with you. Ditch him and find someone who does.

This isn't about religion or culture, it's about a shitbag man wanting to have his fun and won't think twice about how it makes you feel. This isn't the "love conquers all" scenario you might hope it does - not least because he's pretty much told you so. As others have said: run.

Show quote history

Exactly.

In that respect, the cultural and religious differences are a red herring here. The situation would actually be the same if this man were a fellow Christian of whatever ethnic background you are OP. You'd still be with someone who's made it very clear they don't want to commit to you. It doesn't matter what would happen if he stood up for you and married you because he isn't going to.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 20/12/2022 09:40

People come as a package and you can't seperate out the bit of him that is genuinely enjoying all the lovely falling in love, amazing connection part, from the side of him that is fully expecting to compartmentalise all that when the time comes.
As far as he is concerned his conscience is already clear because he has told you what is coming and when he shatters your heart into pieces he won't wring his hands in anguish for your pain or feel bad for more than a small pang because he absolved himself of the responsibility of that when he told you.
Culturally Pakistani Muslim men see white women as fair game for pre martial fun, it's culturally endemic so even if he doesn't personally subscribe to it, subconsciously he will have been surrounded by a lot of that attitude, so his inhibitions to what his doing, from a conscience pov will be lower. I grew up in a town with a large Pakistani Muslim community so I am not a stranger to aspects of their community cultural attitudes (individuals may vary blah blah) as I have seen various friends go through various versions of what you are in right now, and the conversations you overheard at college I was in were shining examples of it.

Draconis · 20/12/2022 11:50

sosickofthisshit · 19/12/2022 22:18

It was a nightmare. I was always the 'gauri' outsider in his family, with them always looking down their noses at me, as if they were somehow culturally superior lol. He was controlling, misogynistic, expected me to work full time, do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, and do everything for our DS, so he could sit on his arse and do nothing, just like his dad did, as his mum did absolutely everything for him and his brothers and sister. And he wondered why I didn't want any more kids, ha 😒. He isolated me from my friends and family, and basically wanted my life to revolve around him. It was hell and it took me years to pluck up the courage to leave him.

I'm sorry you found yourself in this situation.
There are shitty men from all cultures who do this, including white British and there are plenty of decent Pakistani men as well. I know some.
Look at the person you're with, along with their baggage and think about it with your head and gut instinct. This would apply to any potential partner whatever their sex, race or culture.