Any Pakistani ladies here?

[Oleander23]

I met someone at work a year and a half ago with whom i had an instant attraction to and chemistry. I fell in love. We have an amazing time together. We are both 27. But.. he is Muslim and I am not. He told me that he is deeply in love with me but his culture and family expects him to have an arranged marriage with a Muslim woman. I am Christian. I do not want to convert for the sake of his family and even if I did, I do not think I would be accepted as I am not Pakistani. I know there is no future for him and me but I want to ask Pakistani women whether the pressure is really that high in these families? What would happen if he stood up for me? He is not strong enough to do that though so I need to let go and not waste anymore of my time. Do you know any Pakistani men with Christian women that got married and accepted?

Cowardly of him to blame his inability to commit on the ‘culture’. I believe there probably are some families who happen to be of Pakistani heritage who may try to exert some influence over who family members choose to marry but please, we’re no longer living in 1989. I don’t generally take my life lessons from influencers on Instagram or TikTok but I’ll make an exception here and say the social media phrase ‘if he wanted to he would’ comes to mind.

Speaking from experience.
You would marry his own family
His mum will always come first
You will have to live with the family that your in laws, who will be VERY present in your life, will never accept you.
That on top of cultural differences can make your daily life hell.
I dont think it would be worth it even if you did manage to convince him or his parents somehow

I'm not speaking from experience of being around Pakistani men, only from experience of being around men that use culture and family expectations as an excuse in this context.

His whole family*
With the fact that your in laws*

Sorry, so many typos

To use you for a fling (if he knows of your distress) is not kind or respectful of him

Namechanged. Married to Pakistani for many years.
So first of all I think there is a difference in mentality of those men brought up in Pakistan and those of Pakistani descent but brought up in "the Western world".
DH is absolutely not religious (since school age). So eg no objections to alchol or pork.
Despite this he wanted me to convert to Islam for his family's sake. But no issues of sharing housework, me working etc.
Overall his family has accepted me but I don't meet much of them (out of my own choice).
Reading what you have posted so far, and my experience of DH friends and my own experience of Pakistani work colleagues, he will most likely never commit to marriage with you and actually not see it's bad to use you till his family finds a wife for him.
As one Pakistani man that I know said: I have been very independent of my parents by choosing myself what uni course and what job to do, by moving to the UK. Just this little thing of who to get married to I will leave to my parents.

When a person puts conditions on their love, it's another way of saying 'I'll have fun with you but you'll never be good enough for me to marry'
Its the most disgusting, and degrading thing anyone who claims to love you can put you through. It isn't even about religion/culture/sex.

All things aside, every human walking this earth deserves a partner with unconditional love. Someone who can be their 'ride or die'.

So the next time he pushes you just say 'unless we can be open and unhidden and you can take me home exactly as I am, it's a no'. And if I'm honest OP, as great as he may sound, you may need to threaten management involvement if he keeps pursuing you for sex (because that's what this is, this isn't a relationship, he's made it clear there's no future).

You deserve better. He's stringing you along and if u ever get tired or heartbroken he can always say 'well I always told u it wasn't gonna end in marriage'.

If he loved you he would let you go.

When a person puts conditions on their love, it's another way of saying 'I'll have fun with you but you'll never be good enough for me to marry'
Its the most disgusting, and degrading thing anyone who claims to love you can put you through. It isn't even about religion/culture/sex.

Don’t all relationships have conditions?
Even shallow things are usually important to people, i.e what someone look like, have to have sex etc.

You need to block him, and unless you actually work together then avoid him at work. At workkeep it strictly professional.

Stop lookimg for examples of otherPakistani men from other families marrying other white women.

He is telling you he will not marry you. He is enjoying the fun with you before then. He may care for you. But he is not going to marry you.

Run, and block.

I know lots of Pakistanis and mixed marriages are really common now. For both men and women.
In my own circle, I know plenty.
As others have said, it depends on the family. It also depends on the person. The older ones I know who married out had to put up a fight. They stood their ground, backed up their partner and went ahead with the marriage. Some of them paid lip service for the religious marriage as the families were stricter, but aren't practising.
The parents had to come round or lose contact.
If he's not strong enough to even face his parents, then is he going to be a good partner for you?

Fuck me this thread is racist

but OP I don’t think this has legs
too much onus on you having to change

fun and sex go for it but I think the stars not aligned for anything longer term tbh

I am a Christian British woman married to a Pakistani born man a met when he came here to study. His family did not initially approve and were also looking for a wife for him. I could write many pages about our experiences but the basic starting point is that he has to really want a future with you.

I have heard many men from different backgrounds (not just Islamic) say to girlfriends they can be with them but will not take them as a wife. My DH never said or indicated anything like that. He wanted a future with me. I did not want him to choose me over his family as I knew that the potential lifelong consequences could really hurt him and didn't want him to resent me down the line. He did stand up to his family as he decided he didn't want to lose me and his life wasn't going to be lived near his family. It was incredibly hard for him as he feels he hurt and disrespected his parents. He still carries guilt over this. They have subsequently been very welcoming and hosted a wedding, have been very hospitable when we've visited. There have also been not so nice instances mainly with MIL and with other family members over the years. Frankly if they lived close I'm not sure our relationship would have survived.

It's very simplistic of people to say he should stand up to his family as culture and society are so different. People said these things to us and said it was very romantic that we had this struggle and came through.

A friend wasted many years of her life with a man assuming that because me and DH worked out it could for her too. They did not ever properly talk about their future. He wasn't from Pakistan but also Muslim and similar culture and expectations. He went home to see his family got married and returned with a wife.

DH and I talked so much about what we wanted and what we could compromise on and what kind of upbringing we wanted for our children. That kind of communication is very important.

I’m not a Pakistani woman but a white woman who was in a long term relationship with a Muslim man. He wasn’t a strict Muslim, though his family didn’t know he drank etc. They were very angry and threw him out. When I was pregnant with our DS they found out and wanted to meet me. Part of the reason they didn’t like it was because I had a son from a previous relationship. Once they met me, they liked me and 18yrs on I still keep in touch with his mum and wider family even now we are split.

It wasn’t easy though, I found the cultural difference tough at many points. Some families are very strict and wouldn’t ever come round, and the men / women know that and so won’t ever commit to woman not suitable. Don’t waste anymore time on it is my advice. Another friend was in this position and in the end she ended it.

Change your job if necessary. Go on a Christian dating site or try out different churches to meet someone, being with someone of the same religion is v. important if you are a practicing Christian.

My Indian Muslim partner is snoring in our bed. His family don't approve, and wanted him to have an arranged marriage like his sister. They tried everything to stop him moving here. Some really unpleasant things have been said and done. Really unpleasant.

It didn't work, and the family have grudgingly said they'll accept me rather than losing him. (After saying they'll disown him etc etc.)

The difference is DP has always been very clear that he will live life on his terms. He's strong, determined, and refuses to be guilted into anything. He stands up for our relationship against all arguments, even though it's been bloody hard. That's why our relationship has survived and thrived.

Your bf could do the same, he just doesn't want to enough. And it's that that is all you need to know.

Choosing a partner is about finding someone who loves you and who you love. And part of love is knowing that person has your back in all situations. If that were true he'd be standing up for your relationship.

He's not. Move on. Find your ride or die.

It's really well depends on the individual and the family. His family are closed minded and he's not eilling to fight for you either. The longer you stay the more heartbreak you will experience

It varie they don't have to do anything! If he's saying he has to have an arranged marriage then he's obviously not very progressive and she should run for the hills, many modern British Pakistanis would also be horrified, my Pakistani origin friend has married a British born sikh and her family are completely accepting!

The pressure in some communities to use marriage to bring relatives from Pakistan is strong but the people I know have all refused, cousin marriage has serious health implications if practiced by multiple generations too

@JaneFondue

I know many Indians and none had arranged marriages, many are married to white British but I'm aware this is self selecting because they are women who socialise with the likes of me! None of my DD's friends (half or more are Asian decent) have had arranged marriages as of yet (mid 20's) and 2 have come out as gay with their family in full support which is progress too. Again though, they are the ones who had friends outside of their communities (met at school) we live in a 50%+ Asian area

He either knows his parents will be totally unreasonable or he likes his family culture and the culture/familiarity it brings long term.

His supposed honesty does not detract the fact he’s now using you. Badly.

Find a way to get rid of him. You will eventually meet someone who can love you properly.

If he truly loved you he would let you go, and not cause further heartache knowing how much you're into him, just because he wants more sex.

Regardless or religion or race, it's down to values. You don't share the same values of mutual respect and love. He thinks is acceptable to emotionally hurt you like this and mess with your head, when it's clearly not ok.

Sorry this young man is having his cake and eating it!! You are being used, if he loved you he would let you go or marry you. But no he is just going to play you for as long as he can then one day will just say sorry I’m getting married next week. Then he might even suggest that you can still be his bit on the side.

you are worth more then this stop being used. Never play second fiddle to anyone.

I know of mixed race couples where the man is Pakistani and the woman is white British and both remain happily in contact with family. I think it was more an issue of religion than culture. One couple were both Christian so religion wasn't in question. One he was Muslim and she converted to allow them to marry. They are not particularly conservative Muslims (perhaps not the right word, sorry). She doesn't wear a head covering day to day, wears western clothes etc.

But if you aren't willing to convert and he isn't willing to marry you without that then the relationship cannot go any further.

This. He really is using you, in a very selfish and disrespectful way.

this man is the worst of the specimen. He will also ruin the life of some poor girl who has been arranged for him and has little to no say in the matter and he will try to carry on with you even after getting married with a sob story of how his wife doesn’t understand him and will string you along as far as he can.
if he was so religious he shouldn’t have engaged in extramarital sex with you.

not being able to stand up to family is a common trait of Pakistani men .
I don’t want to repeat everything that everyone has said but please leave him and don’t look back.