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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Not sure if this is abuse

86 replies

user1496075948 · 16/12/2022 13:30

im not sure if what I am experiencing is abuse . My husband will punch me on arms and legs , slap me , pull my hair and has put a knife to my side and throat. The thing is , he doesn’t do it in a temper , he’s very cool and calm when he does it . Sometimes it can be out if the blue and other times he says it’s part of play fighting and just a joke . Sometimes he says it’s a warning in case I have an affair (which I never would) it never started out like this and in the early days it was almost like he was play fighting me . When he does it now though it hurts and it sometimes scares me . He calls me names but says it’s all in fun . He is very critical of my 19 year old son and will now hardly speak to him . I’m ashamed I’ve let things go this far . He is very generous and that confuses me a lot . There have been other times that he’s refused to speak to me for weeks on end . Reading this back I know how awful it sounds . Living with it day to day though is so confusing as he can be Prince Charming . I feel like I’ve lost all sense of ego I am and I know I’ve let my son down . Please be kind as I need support and guidance

OP posts:

Brrrrrrrrrrrr · 16/12/2022 13:32

The fact you’re questioning it suggests it probably is regardless of his mood when doing it.

cheapskatemum · 16/12/2022 13:33

You have answered your own question. Please don't be ashamed though, abusers are skilled manipulators. My advice to you would be to phone Women's Aid and get onto a Freedom Course.

33goingon64 · 16/12/2022 13:35

How can you not be sure if it's abuse? Of course it is. He sounds very dangerous and you need to leave.

Clearcoolhot · 16/12/2022 13:37

There is no probably is about this! I actually found that comment more astonishing than OPs!

OP you havebeen gaslighted by a calculated abuser. He physically assaults you and framed it as a ‘joke’ to make you doubt yourself and to test your boundaries. Now he is escalating.

He is a calculated and dangerous abuser. He is explicitly letting you know he will kill you if you displease him by cheating.

Please seek help from Women’s Aid.

catchthedog · 16/12/2022 13:37

get yourself away quickly away from him, sounds like a dangerous weirdo and yes of course it's abuse.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 16/12/2022 13:38

Over the years you have been conditioned to accepting this as he chooses to present it. Now you have seen it for what it is. You won't be able to unsee that.

You and your son deserve better. So yes, contact Womens Aid, or any local women's centre and get help in extricating yourself from him.

TheFlis12345 · 16/12/2022 13:39

If you are really not sure if being punched, slapped, and threatened with a knife is abuse, you really need professional help ASAP before he kills you. Please, please contact women’s aid and start making plans to leave.

Clarice99 · 16/12/2022 13:40

He's abusive, no question. He also sounds dangerously unhinged.

Please contact Women's Aid.

Original poster

user1496075948 · 16/12/2022 14:12

Thank you for everyone. I know how ridiculous the whole situation sounds written down . If a friend described this to me then I’d be horrified but I feel a bit detached from it all and tbh feel like there’s something wrong with me . The situation is a mess . He’s quite controlling as well . I’ve just found out I’m in very early stages of pregnancy and I’m considering not going ahead even although the thought of a termination really scares me . To make things worse he’s being so lovely and attentive just now .

OP posts:

FictionalCharacter · 16/12/2022 14:32

Please get away from him before he kills you or severely injures you.

pumpkinsareshortlived · 16/12/2022 14:42

Why would you even contemplate having a child with this man when you have a son who has suffered at his hands?

Please wake up. What he is doing is absolutely abuse and tbh, I fear for your life with someone like this.

How long have you been together and what are your living arrangements? Is he living with you? Are you working?

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2022 14:48

Woah the guy is a straight-up psychopath. Chilling.

Hopefully he doesn't live with you?
You're going to need to be very careful when leaving this guy. Don't be slow to involve the authorities I at any point you feel harassed or threatened.

Don't be alone with him (or after) when telling him its over. Ideally do it over the phone.

Speak with women's aid for advice.
I'd also consider reporting the violence and the threats to the police. Especially if you live with him as it may make it easier to get him out and keep him out. Often his kind don't back off until they know you are not afraid to involve police.

dolor · 16/12/2022 14:48

He needs to be thrown out, or you need to leave.

He is a nasty piece of work. This is abusive and then some.

Do you have somewhere to go?

Original poster

user1496075948 · 16/12/2022 14:50

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me . We’ve been together 5 years and from the outset he’s wanted me to fall pregnant. I’ve always loved the idea of another child but knew it wasn’t right thing to do . Taking contraception has been tricky over the years . He can be very wearing and often gets his own way . I know that I’ve spoiled a large chunk of my own sons childhood . I feel guilty as he doesn’t have children of his own and kind of now feel like it’s my fault . I have a reasonable job and I’m a different person at work Z I know I’d be ok financially but emotionally is a different matter .

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2022 14:50

Also, it's not just abuse op, this beast has actually threatened your life.

You're in real danger around him.

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2022 14:54

Abusers often want you pregnant because it makes it harder for you to leave them. I'd say 'usually then the real abuse kicks in' but it's horrifying to think there could be 'worse' than being puncged, kicked and threatened at knifepoint. ...but punched, kicked and threatened at knifepoint whilst holding a baby would definately be worse tbf. Get out now. Don't get pregnant whatever you do.

dolor · 16/12/2022 14:55

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2022 14:54

This is 100000% right. Pregnancy is a huge way of controlling someone.

Please for the love of sanity, get out. Now.

Ban · 16/12/2022 14:55

Your poor poor son :(

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 16/12/2022 14:56

Hello lovely.
I work in a domestic abuse team with the police. This is absolutely 100% domestic abuse. He is physically abusing you (at least ABH level) and exhibiting controlling coercive behaviour too.
Getting pregnant is a very stressful time but ultimately having the baby will tie you to him for the rest of your life, whether you want it or not.

I implore you to speak to Women's Aid, your local domestic abuse charity, or even the police.

Whilst we cannot guide you whether to keep the baby or not, sadly most women experience a jump in level and frequency of violence when pregnant, and after having the baby.

I wish that you are able to leave this man and keep yourself and your son safe.

MNHQ

PipMumsnet · 16/12/2022 14:56

Hello OP,
We're just popping on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this. And we hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our domestic violence support web-guide
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ 💐

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2022 14:57

Ps: thank you for not letting this monster have children thus far. He should never, ever be a parent.

tedgran · 16/12/2022 14:58

Get out now, if you have a child with him it will be three lives ruined, you, your son and the baby.

Alcemeg · 16/12/2022 15:00

Reading this back I know how awful it sounds.
Yes, it really does.

Please don't have a child with this man, things will get much worse. "Lovely and attentive right now" is just his way of keeping you in place until you are irreversibly trapped.

Get out as soon as you can, and don't give him any hint that you're leaving. You don't owe him an explanation.

Original poster

user1496075948 · 16/12/2022 15:03

Thanks can’t thank you enough for taking the time to help me . I’m crying my eyes out at how kind you are and that I’m not imagining how bad it is . I’m so ashamed and embarrassed and keeping it to myself is so tiring sometimes . I’m honestly not a stupid person and yet I can’t see what’s happening to me . In my head domestic violence is when a partner loses their temper and control of their emotions and yet he’s the opposite as although he can be vert irritable he’s normally so calm and cool when he’s doing these things . I’ve tried so many times to speak to him about it and he either changes subject or denies it . I’m so wrapped up in the idea of a warm and loving relationship and there are glimpses of that sometimes and I cling onto it

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2022 15:04

Crap, missed the update where you said you were expecting. I hope you don't bring a baby into this nightmare. You need to get free of him and if you have kid, he'll be tied to you for the next 18 years even if you do leave him. Not to mention you're child would witness this abuse. Perhaps even be victim to it too. Speak with your gp ASAP. If you do decide to have the baby then get out before it's born and don't put him on the birth certificate.

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