Not sure if this is abuse

[user1496075948]

im not sure if what I am experiencing is abuse . My husband will punch me on arms and legs , slap me , pull my hair and has put a knife to my side and throat. The thing is , he doesn’t do it in a temper , he’s very cool and calm when he does it . Sometimes it can be out if the blue and other times he says it’s part of play fighting and just a joke . Sometimes he says it’s a warning in case I have an affair (which I never would) it never started out like this and in the early days it was almost like he was play fighting me . When he does it now though it hurts and it sometimes scares me . He calls me names but says it’s all in fun . He is very critical of my 19 year old son and will now hardly speak to him . I’m ashamed I’ve let things go this far . He is very generous and that confuses me a lot . There have been other times that he’s refused to speak to me for weeks on end . Reading this back I know how awful it sounds . Living with it day to day though is so confusing as he can be Prince Charming . I feel like I’ve lost all sense of ego I am and I know I’ve let my son down . Please be kind as I need support and guidance

How could this possibly not be abuse??

Just because he doesn't lose his temper doesn't make it any less awful, it's actually worse. He is completely in control of his emotions whilst abusing you, it's controlled and calculated.

Please speak to your local police and get yourself somewhere safe where you can breath and think through your next steps. A termination would be hard to choose and go through with but you don't want to tie yourself forever to him.

In case a male perspective is useful here...he's calm and collected because he doesn't need to lose his temper to do these things. Most guys would need to have totally lost all reason to behave the way he is, but...he totally knows what he's doing. You don't want to get to the other end of that road.

I tend to disagree with an awful lot of threads on here where the first reaction from everybody is "Divorce!", but this is a totally different situation.

If you can find a way to get it on camera, do - that'll be helpful later on, but it's not something you should necessarily wait for. Basically, get out. Don't engage, don't tell him you're leaving, just...plan your exit, wait for him to be out for the day, grab your kid(s), grab what you need and go. If you try to discuss it, he'll be able to talk you round and promise better times, say he doesn't mean it, say he was only horsing around etc and you'll be right back here in a couple of months' time.

@Purple29

All the comments on here saying you should just leave, why did you get pregnant etc.... don't listen to them, that is victim blaming at its best. The question we should be asking is 'why doest he stop abusing you

Yes, the question we, as a society, should be asking. But making OP aware that she is responsible for her own wellbeing isn't victim blaming; it's empowering. The abuser is the one at fault, but it's not the victim's responsibility to worry about when or why they might or might not stop. The victim's responsibility is for their own (and their children's) wellbeing, and rescuing that means leaving the abuser, not asking why he doesn't stop abusing.

What you've written here is potentially harmful to abuse victims. Raising the question of 'why doesn't he stop abusing you' is not relevant to the urgent situation OP is in. It's like telling someone whose house is on fire with their children inside to work out how the fire started.

Op look up trauma bonding it might explain your confusion when he's being "nice" and why you've stayed.
I had a friend with a personality disorder and was really sucked in I nearly lost my mind. I thought I'd never survive without this person. You don't realise until you get out and your head levels a bit, then you see it all for what it was.
Leaving will be hard but you can't live your life like this, you don't deserve to.

@Watchkeys

I beg to differ.... by telling someone they need to leave, isn't always the solution. In fact a lot of the time leaving is in fact when they are most at risk of escalating violence.

By saying to someone, you should have left or why do you stay, makes it their fault for not leaving, and this in turn makes him not accountable. There's massive amounts of research that shows we focus too much on the 'geographical fix' of the victim leaving. A lot of victims have said they need support to stay until its safe for them and the kids to leave.

We have to empower and trust that the women know there situation and ask them what we could do to best help them. I know I don't ever do anything that is harmful to the victims!!! I have done massive amounts of research in this area.

makes it their fault for not leaving, and this in turn makes him not accountable

This is not true. The solution to the problem is not generally in getting the abuser to change behaviour. It's in the victim realising that they need to take responsibility for leaving someone who is at fault. You are mixing up fault with responsibility, and I doubt your qualifications and experience if you disagree with that.

I'm not saying 'leave him right now' is always the best advice. I'm saying that empowering the victim to recognise that they can make changes for themselves is way more powerful, in OP's situation and similar, than encouraging them to work out why their abuser abuses them. It doesn't matter why. Any professional will tell you that. Psychoanalysing abusers is a good idea, but not for a victim who is being abused right now. What's more important for her is to find out what to do best for her, not to work out what might be happening for him.

You're not the only person with qualifications and experience, and not everybody with qualifications and experience is an expert.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to help me. I expected a mix of opinions with some people saying it is and some people saying it’s not abuse. I really had no idea but I just knew I was going out of my mind. I have decided to contact womens aid and take it from there . There’s a lot that I didn’t understand , like why he remains so calm , and it now does make sense that he is always in control . The thing with the knife happens quite frequently, maybe once or twice a week . He’s made the comment that if I did ever have an affair he’d either kill me or disfigure my face so that no one would want me . There are also certain foods that I’m not allowed to eat and he will slap or punch me if he finds out I’ve had them . He will give me the silent treatment if I’m late home from work .
I had a chat with my son tonight . He said that when he was at school he would stay on after his classes had finished for the day to avoid coming home . He says he knows that my husband doesn’t like him but he doesn’t know why . I’ve let him down but I need to make him my priority. I really have tried to shield him but if I’m honest I made my husband my priority , probably to keep the peace . All your comments have helped me so much . I’ve neve me told a single person about this .

Glad to hear this update, OP. It doesn't matter just now why he does what he does; it matters to get you and your son to safety. You sound like you've really got your head screwed on about what to do next. Women's Aid will be able to support you; you're doing the right thing.

That's so sad that your son thinks he has done something to deserve this abuse. He is a victim also.

I really would report this man's actions to the police. You need to get an escape plan in order and tbh with someone as violent as him I think alerting the police so they can get to you fast if necessary, would be wise.

Have you posted about this before? The way you post reminds me of something else but I can't quite put my finger on what that is. A familiar style of writing maybe where, as the thread went on, the abuse got more and more salacious

He's pulling a knife on you up to twice a week and saying he will disfigure your face and you're asking if this is playful and normal?

I’ve never posted on here before , as I said this is the first time I’ve ever shared this . I’m not asking if this is playful

Oh my goodness OP. Please get support with this IRL. He is a manipulative abuser.

You need to get away from him. Stay safe and stop doubting yourself. You will look back at this and wonder how you got here. You're not the first and sadly won't be the last. Get help

Your last update is chilling. I'm so glad you have decided to contact Women's Aid. Please follow through with that and please be careful. As someone else said above DO NOT discuss any of this with him, do not tell him you are leaving and if you think he suspects then call 999.

He wants you pregnant because then you’re at your most vulnerable and it’s piss-easy for him to abuse and control you.

Save your son, yourself, and don’t subject a child to having that abusive, violent and dangerous individual as a parent.

This man is fucking terrifying, genuinely chilling. OP, I don’t want to scare you but please be very, very careful. Leaving can be a very dangerous time, he must not know you’re pulling away or considering ending the marriage. I don’t want to sound dramatic but I would seriously consider getting very far away where he can’t find you, I really fear it could be that serious. Don’t do this alone, recruit as much help as you can.

' I know that I’ve spoiled a large chunk of my own sons childhood '
If you know this why on earth would you stay with this man , and even worse get pregnant .
I have 2 son's of a similar age and my heart goes out to your son , i feel for you too but you choose to stay so far , maybe your son has no choice at the moment.
Clearly you need to get out of this situation , i don't think it's wise bringing a child into a life with this abusive man for its father.

Where do you live OP..?

Anywhere the NW of England.. I can come round and stick a knife to his throat

Me too. I'm NW as well would happily punch and slap him.

OP, my heart is actually breaking reading this.
You and your son deserve so much better.
He sounds so so dangerous. You need to get away from him as soon as possible but please be careful as the first few months after leaving is a dangerous time. If you can, go to a refuge with your son.

This is the saddest thing, please get out for the sake of your son x

SE here and would travel to do the same! We are with you north west to south east OP, please do not live like this you are worth so so much more x

Please, I implore you, arrange a termination at once.

This asap . Sod Christmas .

You must leave. You could make a GP appointment re the pregnancy. Explain what is going on and say you cannot return so can they take steps to get you to a women's refuge. They could get you there with assistance from a duty social worker. What about your son? Does he live with you?

Make a will and make sure your son knows how to deal with your estate because your dp may well kill you. Not kidding - get the fuck out before it's too late.