Not sure if this is abuse

[user1496075948]

im not sure if what I am experiencing is abuse . My husband will punch me on arms and legs , slap me , pull my hair and has put a knife to my side and throat. The thing is , he doesn’t do it in a temper , he’s very cool and calm when he does it . Sometimes it can be out if the blue and other times he says it’s part of play fighting and just a joke . Sometimes he says it’s a warning in case I have an affair (which I never would) it never started out like this and in the early days it was almost like he was play fighting me . When he does it now though it hurts and it sometimes scares me . He calls me names but says it’s all in fun . He is very critical of my 19 year old son and will now hardly speak to him . I’m ashamed I’ve let things go this far . He is very generous and that confuses me a lot . There have been other times that he’s refused to speak to me for weeks on end . Reading this back I know how awful it sounds . Living with it day to day though is so confusing as he can be Prince Charming . I feel like I’ve lost all sense of ego I am and I know I’ve let my son down . Please be kind as I need support and guidance

Please don't be ashamed or embarrassed, OP! "It takes one to know one" is a familiar saying, and the truth of the matter is that unless we are sociopaths ourselves it's virtually impossible to spot a sociopath, especially as they play their cards very carefully.

What you're experiencing is a very familiar pattern of abuse, unfortunately. One day you'll be able to look back on this, not with shame, but with wonder that you were so resilient and with pride that you managed to safely extricate yourself. Good luck.

It's like boiling a frog op. You didn't notice because he heated the water in the pan up slowly. And now you're sat there, boiling, wondering how it ever came to this.

And of course, if you ask the chef why, he will deny it. Because you, are his lunch.

Don't ask the chef why, just get out. Run, run fast and run far and never look back.

Op, you are in danger. If you bring a baby into this mess, you will be in even greater danger and you will find it even more difficult to get out. Leave now. Do it safely. Contact Women’s Aid for advice. Do not tell him you are going.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Abusers are all nice sometimes, because if they were horrible all the time, their partners would leave them. It's very standard. The keep their victims on a hook, with displays of being lovely, so that they can keep on abusing them.

There are two important things here, OP: You've done nothing wrong, and there's nothing wrong with you. What's happening is that you are being abused, you feel confused and ashamed, as any successful abuser makes their victim feel. He is very wrong (and illegal) in his behaviours, and you have been conditioned, somewhere along the line, to dismiss your feelings. Probably during your childhood. And the part of you that feels like screaming when he mistreats you is the same kid inside you who's been screaming since you were disrespected as a child. She has never been heard. It's time to listen to her; the voice inside that says that he is wrong wrong wrong and he's hurting you badly. Listen to that voice... what else does it say? Can you write down the things she says? Is she angry? Scared? Shy? Try to get to know her. When you learn to listen to her, she will be your boundaries. But you have to let her speak, and you're the only person in the world who can allow yourself that power.

I think in my head I’ve written this off as being low level domestic abuse ( which I know is silly as it’s not on a scale ) but I’ve believed for a while that what’s happening me is not as bad as what happens to other people . Although he hurts me physically and emotionally , he’s never caused long lasting injuries that I associated with domestic abuse . I also keep thinking I can make things better when I know deep down I can’t . There’s other stuff such as trying to pressurise me to do things that I don’t want to because I know it will hurt me . I think there’s a lot of mind games too eg I have a history of eating disorders and my weight is a frequent source of jokes . He’s also made comments about me not managing without him

Forget about the labelling for now: he hurts you regularly. Is this the life you want?

Hes an evil person, evil often wears a shroud of goodness.

Good people are often flawed yes, but would a good person ever threaten someone at knife point? Or beat their partner? Or tell their partner they are wrong to have a problem with being beat up?

Evil has a very distinct signature. And once you know where to look and are able to see it for what it truly, people who have it in their hearts, will never be able to fool you again.

We do not see it at first because we are not like them. We are lambs, not lions. And how could the lamb hope to understand a lion? Or change its nature. But we can learn to spot them and to run from them.

I was also going to say that abusers often want their victims having a baby to make it more difficult for them to leave. Does your son like having this man in his home. Do all you can to leave.

Please reach out and get help for this discreetly, the fact you have been able to get on here suggests you can find other online help, there are chat options available on women’s aid. You need to get away and not go back to him, you and your son should be your priority.

Ironically I just got a lovely message from him to say how much I mean to him . I’m so conditioned that my heart jumps for joy when he does that but I wish his actions matched his words
I’ve said a lot about effect this has on me but not my son . I am so ashamed as I love him dearly and by not standing up for him I’ve been complicit in it I’ve genuinely only recently started to see this but it’s not an excuse. To begin with he seemed to have a lot of time for my son . He didn’t try to be another parent but took an interest in him generally and they got on Over time he started to pick fault with him . Eg my husband is a nest freak and like most teenage boys my son is quite untidy . Over time it’s reached a point where my partner seemed to always criticise him and won’t engage in any conversation with him despite my son trying to initiate a conversation sometimes. He makes my sons friends feel unwelcome in the house and that breaks my heart as it’s so important to have good friends at that age . He does have lovely friends but very rarely will he bring them round . My son is a student and doesn’t earn much money . I help him financially and always make sure he’s got plenty of food / snacks in . I’m not providing any more than what a mum should and yet it incenses him . Over the years there have been times that my son has pushed boundaries in a teenage way but the level of criticism he’s met with is completely disproportionate.

Hi op you are involved with a very sick man - he’s certainly abusive - you have done the right thing posting - keep posting for support - look on womens aid website - call them if you feel up to it - please don’t let this man ruin any more of your life - is he like this with any one else? His friends his family or work colleagues? I’m sure it’s a NO - abusive men know what they are doing - he wants to control you. How is your son? You can download Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that - inside the mind of controlling abusive men.
It may take you time to get the strength to think about separating -
You need to see that it’s not your fault - a loving partner wouldn’t treat you like this.
Please keep reading other threads on abusive men - it may help you see that you are not responsible for his behaviour. 🌺🌺

This is horrendous abuse. Your life, your sons and your pregnancy are at risk.

Please do not be embarrassed.

Please please seek professional help to get yourself out of this situation. You need to do this with help, do not let him know.

Well done for recognising and now accepting that this is abuse. Please find the strength to leave him.

Hi I am so sorry that you are going through this. I just wanted you to know that if you have had any thoughts that this is normal or acceptable male behaviour or somehow justified because of his past problems or whatever self-serving crap he may come out with then let those thoughts go. As a mane I've done some really shitty self serving things in my life (I'm quite narcissistic) and whilst I tried to justify them with 'my life was so hard' in fact I always had a choice to behave differently. So does he and he chooses not to.

Also put aside that thought that he doesn't seem angry (somewhere inside he probably is all the time) so it isn't abuse. It is abuse.

Finally put aside thoughts that you are stupid/foolish/should have known better. The cycle of abuse is really hard to see when you are in it - and often hard for others to see - "but he seemed so lovely". Abusers may often be kind at times. Maybe most of the time. But it is kindness and behaviour designed to meet their needs and their needs alone. And when they are not met they cannot accept this and commit acts that outweigh all the kindness of a lifetime.

Don't try to work out why he does what he does. It's a slippery slope to appeasement and trying to become what he wants. And you will never be what he wants. No autonomous human can be unless he truly changes and that's as rare as unicorn dung where abusers are concerned.

As others have said he sounds really dangerous and so you need to leave ASAP and carefully. Use whatever services you need to get clear and stay safe and if it means he ends up in trouble that is all on him, not you. He makes a choice every time he acts as he does.

Best wishes OP

Thank you everyone. I’m getting so much strength from your comments and I don’t feel as crazy as I did . He’s lovely to other people and neighbours and his colleagues think he’s wonderful . He comes across as shy, a bit awkward . He’s very generous with his time and money for other people too . It doesn’t match how he is at home.

If he did that in the street to a random woman (or man) he would be arrested and charged with assault. Which is what it is.
The fact you're his life partner makes no difference.

Yes he is abusing you, and the fact that he hits you so calmly makes it all the more horrifying.

Please escape from this psycho before he kills you.

Don't feel guilty if he had a child it would be abused to so if you continue with the pregnancy try to get support on keeping him away.

Your post is one of the worst I've read on MN.
Your dh is an abuser.
Don't ever measure his abuse against someone else's, it's all abuse.
He dislikes your DS because he's a rival taking your attention away from your h, he seemed to like him at first as a way to draw you in.
He wants you to have a child with him as it will tie you to him, it's another way to control you.
Leave him, save yourself and your DS, think very seriously about going ahead with the pregnancy, I wouldn't presume to advise anyone to terminate but by christ you really don't need to have a child with that animal.
Please op, make plans and get yourself and your DS away from him, ring woman's aid, they'll help you.
Don't end up as another statistic, another woman killed by their partner.
If you make plans to leave, I pray that you do, don't let him get wind of it, that's when abusers are at their most dangerous.
Keep updating us ❤️

Yes it’s abuse. Everyone on this thread is agreed, including the police officer.

No you can’t change him . The flashes of kindness or caring that you are see are fake, to keep you hooked and to make you doubt yourself.

Please make a plan to get out safely as soon as you can. By that I mean days or weeks not months. you will need professional help to do this so please reach out.

Do NOT discuss any of this with your partner. Do not show him this thread. Make sure everything online is secure.

Do NOT discuss it with any of his friends / family , however much you like them or trust them. It will not shock him into changing.

Try to act as normally as you can around him, while you plan your escape. Take no action until everything is in place. The most dangerous time for you and your son is when you are leaving / have just left.

They always seem different in public it's part of the act to isolate you more and make you think you won't be believed

It sounds awful OP.

Please contact Womens Aid and do the freedom programme.

Please think carefully about bringing a baby into this - this abuser will then be in your life forever - do you want that? Do you want to bring a baby into a violent setting.

Please get you and your son out. Or get him out and change the locks

He sounds just like a man I know of. He had a respectable well paid job in education where he was highly thought of. He had a wife, two primary aged children and a nice house in a good area. The neighbours thought they were a lovely happy family.

He behaved just like your husband at home, violent and controlling. He was obsessed with the idea that she was cheating on him.

One day he stabbed her more than 20 times, then went through to the kitchen and made himself a nice cup of tea.

He was very calm as well.

This.
The fact he's calm when doing these things is so scary.
Please leave op he's dangerous, not just physically but mentally too. Please leave.

Oh my lovely. You aren’t crazy at all. This is what abusers do. Mess with your head. Abuse you then act like nothing has happened. Or it was your fault. Or start being lovely. It’s all part of the abuse. You deserve so so much better. I do hope you can find a way out. But plan and do it safely. Abusers often ramp it up when they find you’re actually going to leave.

Hi, I work with a violence against women partnership, I can hand on heart say that this is domestic abuse.

You are NOT to blame, nor should you feel ashamed in ANY way.

There is a false narrative around DA that it is an anger thing for him, but there is a reason this happens in private, these men are very in control of their emotions and know what they are doing, so I'm not surprised there is no anger.

His abusive behaviour likely started long before you even met, in previous relationships (you can ask for a disclosure on this through the police, Claires law in England and DSDAS in scotland)

Of course you feel love for him, I'll almost bet that he moved very quickly at the start of the relationship, showering you with love and affection and telling you it was forever from very early on.(Lovebombing) also a known tactic of abusers!!!

It's also what draws you in, you see that loving man that you met initially!!

If you want to see how controlling he is, the best question to ask yourself is 'what am I not aloud to do?'

Another thing, YOU haven't subjected your son to anything, your husband has. Even as a step parent he makes a 'parenting choice' when he perpetrates the abuse, HE exposes your son to it, not you!!! I have no doubt you work very hard to protect your son from it.

All the comments on here saying you should just leave, why did you get pregnant etc.... don't listen to them, that is victim blaming at its best. The question we should be asking is 'why doest he stop abusing you?'

My lovely please please seek help through a women's aid charity in your area. Remember you are the expert in your situation, you know him and his patterns better than anyone else. Womens aid will help you to do what will keep you safe!!! Good luck, you're stronger than you realise!!! ❤️