Not sure if this is abuse

[user1496075948]

im not sure if what I am experiencing is abuse . My husband will punch me on arms and legs , slap me , pull my hair and has put a knife to my side and throat. The thing is , he doesn’t do it in a temper , he’s very cool and calm when he does it . Sometimes it can be out if the blue and other times he says it’s part of play fighting and just a joke . Sometimes he says it’s a warning in case I have an affair (which I never would) it never started out like this and in the early days it was almost like he was play fighting me . When he does it now though it hurts and it sometimes scares me . He calls me names but says it’s all in fun . He is very critical of my 19 year old son and will now hardly speak to him . I’m ashamed I’ve let things go this far . He is very generous and that confuses me a lot . There have been other times that he’s refused to speak to me for weeks on end . Reading this back I know how awful it sounds . Living with it day to day though is so confusing as he can be Prince Charming . I feel like I’ve lost all sense of ego I am and I know I’ve let my son down . Please be kind as I need support and guidance

OP, I'm glad to hear you will contact Women's Aid, you can get support and talk to them about your options that keep you safest. You shared lots of important details in your post so you do have a good sense of what is wrong and you'll be able to make more sense of things with the right support and information. It is absolutely normal to feel confused and unsure in the situation you are in. Lots of women on mumsnet have escaped abusive situations and you will be able to as well. Sending you warm wishes.

@Watchkeys

Did I not say in my last post that we need to empower and trust women know their situation best and that we need to find a way to support what they want as a solution?! Them safely leaving is always the best outcome, I'm not denying that but by questioning why she hasn't left isn't constructive!! In fact when you speak to women who have been in that situation, they say that it makes them feel at fault for allowing it to continue, when in fact they have no control over it continuing, and leaving doesn't stop the abuse.

This man is placing knifes to her and making threats to kill, hes at the extreme end of dangerous, shes also pregnant. Again this could all make him more dangerous. She needs to be supported and empowered to make the best decisions for her and her children. Giving her back some control. This situation would straight away require a massive multi agency approach to minimise the risks involved here. His threats would show how he sees the finality of the relationship.

What I'm saying is when people tell her to just leave they can infact place her at more risk. It has to be managed correctly.

Without doubt this is physical and mental abuse and you badly need to get out. Why is he being generous, because it’s guilt. Why is he being Prince Charming its tactical, he wants to make you feel like there’s nothing wrong and it’s all in your head, false sense of security. He is playing with you. So he hits and slaps you now, and it’s become almost acceptable behaviour, but it’s not. Left too long, where will it end. There is a difference between play fighting and abuse, and this is not play fighting so don’t let him tell you otherwise. It’s controlling to make you think there’s nothing wrong with being treated in that way, like it’s fun and jolly, for him maybe, for you clearly not.
Ask yourself, how does this end? Does it take a hospital visit, if it does, you can bet your life it will all be your fault, that you made him do it and then there will be a promise that it won’t happen again………until the next time.
It easy for people on the outside to voice an opinion or give advice but you need to do what’s right for you and your son. Don’t suffer, if you don’t need to. Abuse is wrong, and you can’t dress it up. Look after yourself.😊

There is absolutely no doubt that you are in a domestic abuse category.
There are laws & prison sentences.
You need to urgently get away from this snake.
& do not believe a single promise to change, he won't, he can't

@user1496075948 ” not sure if what I am experiencing is abuse . My husband will punch me on arms and legs , slap me , pull my hair and has put a knife to my side and throat”

You should be at the police station giving them this statement, not on mumsnet.

Hi OP, I'm so pleased you've talked to your son, and want to talk to women's aid. That's excellent.

Please consider asking the police for a DVDS (domestic violence disclosure scheme, Claire's Law), you have a right to ask about any previous violence from this man. They can tell you previous DV matters and also non-DV related violence.
This is also a way you can get on to police records because at this moment, I'm guessing no police are aware of this abuse and if anything were to happen to you, there's no record that he has been extremely violent in the past.

Please whatever you do, do not tell him you are pregnant.
I would suggest you don't continue with the pg but if you do please leave him and do not tell him he is a father.

As I said before I am in a DA team and this relationship that you're describing would be classed as a high risk (not at all minor) as he is regularly assaulting you and threatening you regularly with knives. This is chilling and amongst the worst descriptions of a relationship I have read. Wishing you happiness and safety ❤️

I am just adding to other comments. Yes this is definitely abuse. What gave me the chills is that you say it now hurts when he does these things which suggests escalation.

He could kill you.

Leave him now.

If you have the baby he will be staying in your life and you will need to protect your child from him.

@Purple29

What I'm saying is when people tell her to just leave they can infact place her at more risk. It has to be managed correctly

Yes, and what I'm saying is you phrased it badly, in a way that made it look like we should be questioning the abuser's behaviour rather than finding ways to get away from it.

I'm not here to argue with you: I'm making the point to OP that leaving, and ensuring she does it in a way that's safe for her and her child, is a priority over working out why her partner is treating her this way. I really don't think you're a professional if you're making your points 'like this!!!!', or if you are, you need to make your points in a less dramatic and more clear way.

Everyone has been so helpful and I’ve taken on board a lot of what you’ve said . I’ve decided to also go ahead with your suggestion of applying for a DVDS and see what it reveals if anything. I really do appreciate you taking the time to share your knowledge with me . My mind is all over the place at the minute and I just feel in crisis mode at the minute . Having people who are grounded and looking on from the outside has really helped more than you can imagine . Thank you

I'm so pleased you've seen his vile abuse for what it is.

His actions are abusive, violent, calculating, manipulative, the closest to evil I think I've read on here in a long time.

Your poor son. You have a chance to make things better for him now, and to show him that he is your priority, not your vile, cruel partner.

A much better life awaits you both. Please get away from that man as quickly and safely as you can. He is not a loving partner. He is controlling and dangerous and won't get any better over time - he'll onyl get worse.

You deserve better. Your son deserves so much better.

Your poor son.

What an awful situation for him.

Do NOT tell him you are pregnant.

Terminate this pregnancy.
You do not want a child with this monster.
He is vile and dangerous.

Walk into any police station and tell them your husband assaults you regularly and puts a knife to your neck severaltimes a week.

They would likely remove him immediately.

You need to make better choices.

Your poor son.