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Original poster

I cheated

123 replies

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 13:20

Me and my boyfriend have been together for one year and one month. A week into the relationship. I went on a night out and a work colleague bumped into me. We were both very drunk and he kissed me. He works in a different office to me and we barely see each other. We never brought this up again or spoke about it, I didn’t tell my partner because it seemed minor and it wasn’t an affair. I didn’t carry on speaking or entertaining this man. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend over here is a conversation which has nothing to do with me and in his head makes it about my work colleague. It’s actually about someone else, but he says to me did you kiss this person. I said no where are you getting this information from and he said just tell me the truth. I said yes I did I’m sorry it was a drunken mistake and it was over a year ago. Things have been perfect with us since then. He is telling me that I am evil and that I have cheated on him and that everyone should know that I am a cheat. He then messages the man to ask for details. Over the space of a week we try to sort things out between each other Been crying non-stop. Last Saturday was my Christmas Work party and I happened to see said colleague. I spoke to him briefly to see if he was okay and to clear the air. I told my partner that I spoke to him very briefly, and he has told me that that is extremely disrespectful. he keeps bringing it up even though he’s told me that we can work past it and although I feel absolutely awful for what I’ve done if he can’t forgive me, I can’t keep trying to make this work. We have been fine with each other this week and decided we both want this relationship and want to fix things this morning. I called him to see if he would like to see me today and he told me that he is not ready to see me again properly and go back to how things were. He again told me I am evil and that I have made a massive mistake. He continues to tell me how much of a bad person I am and how he’s not sure if he can forgive me. I feel as though he is stringing me on and although I am the one in the wrong I now feel like he is becoming abusive . Has anyone been in a similar situation and can anyone offer me any advice because I’m not happy. If I say to him that I want to leave the relationship he will turn round and say that you’re the one that cheated on me, and of course walk away from all your problems, don’t confront the problem head-on . Please help me this is breaking me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2022 13:24

Oh just walk away. You’re not evil, don’t waste your time on someone who says crap like that. He doesn’t trust you, it’s over, stop flogging a dead horse.

Hannahshome · 16/12/2022 13:26

So One week after meeting someone you kissed someone else? Where you exclusive with your boyfriend at this point? Ie you had had several dates and then decided to be official and then 1 week later you kissed someone?
or you went on a date with now boyfriend snogged someone else that week and then decided to commit to boyfriend?

Im sorry but 1 week in and no issues since then I think your bf is using this as a stick to beat you with. Unless there’s a huge back story you had no commitment if you knew someone for only a week.

WhineWhineWINE · 16/12/2022 13:28

Red flags aplenty. I'd let this one go. He's massively overreacting and being quite abusive, jealous and controlling which will only get worse.

Original poster
cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 13:29

he had asked me to be his girlfriend in October, this happened in November. Also in November he found out that I had slept with someone in August before we were official. He found this out after I kissed the work collegue so I didn’t mention it as the sleeping thing was worse and we managed to get over that as we were not official

OP posts:
catchthedog · 16/12/2022 13:32

I'd be absolutely furious and very hurt too. his whole last year is essentially a lie.
it's obviously not something you can't get past, but I think you deserve him to be upset and angry amd need to work through this for a while.

Original poster
cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 13:51

Me and my boyfriend have been together for one year and one month. A week into the relationship, I went on a night out and a work colleague bumped into me. We were both very drunk and he kissed me. He works in a different office to me and we barely see each other. We never brought this up again or spoke about it, I didn’t tell my partner because it seemed minor and it wasn’t an affair. I didn’t carry on speaking or entertaining this man.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend overheard a conversation which has nothing to do with me and in his head makes it about me and my work colleague. It’s actually about someone else, but he says to me did you kiss this person. I said ‘no where are you getting this information from’ as I had even forgotten it had happened. He said just tell me the truth and I said yes I did I’m sorry it was a drunken mistake and it was over a year ago.

Things have been perfect with us this year, all year we have had a lovely relationship. He is now telling me that I am evil and that I have cheated on him and that everyone should know that I am a cheat. He then messaged the man to ask for details, embarrassing me at work.

We decided to try to sort things out between each other, I have been crying non-stop. Last Saturday was my Christmas Work party and I happened to see said colleague. I spoke to him briefly to see if he was okay and to clear the air. I told my partner that I spoke to him very briefly, and he has told me that that is extremely disrespectful and that I should have ignored him. He keeps bringing it up even though he’s told me that we can work past it and although I feel absolutely awful for what I’ve done if he can’t forgive me, I can’t keep trying to make this work. I feel as though I am climbing up a growing mountain with no end in sight, if he can’t forgive me I’d like to be told so I can leave him alone.

We have been fine with each other this week and decided we both want this relationship and want to fix things. This morning, I called him to see if he would like to see me today and he told me that he is not ready to see me again properly and go back to how things were. He again told me I am evil and that I have made a massive mistake. He continues to tell me how much of a bad person I am and how he’s not sure if he can forgive me. I feel as though he is stringing me on and although I am the one in the wrong I now feel like he is becoming abusive . Has anyone been in a similar situation and can anyone offer me any advice because I’m not happy. If I say to him that I want to leave the relationship he will turn round and say that you’re the one that cheated on me, and of course walk away from all your problems, don’t confront the problem head-on . Please help me this is breaking me.

OP posts:
5128gap · 16/12/2022 14:47

When you have no ties and it's making you more miserable than happy just walk away. He only wants you around to punish you for hurting his pride. I think he's done enough of that, so don't stay around taking any more.

Ludo19 · 16/12/2022 14:54

Oh ffs walk away. He's lost his trust and using that as a way to be a nasty bastard.

He'll be a nightmare from now on in. Just move on.

Also it's worth noting that someone who accuses over and over their partner is cheating with no evidence are usually cheating themselves, perhaps he's not whiter than white.

Dery · 16/12/2022 15:06

I’m a bit confused by your timeline. You initially said it was one week into your relationship but then you refer to it happening in November after he asked you to be his girlfriend in October and you also comment that you slept with someone in August before you “were official”, which presumably means you were already seeing each other but hadn’t gone exclusive.

My initial thought was that it was such early days that you couldn’t be said to have cheated. Your clarification on timing changes that view and makes me think you did since you had already agreed to be this guy’s girlfriend. It sounds a bit chaotic on your part.

However, that doesn’t make you evil and I would be very wary of a man who uses that term as it has really sinister connotations. Agree with the PP that it is a red flag for him to keep questioning your fidelity. He’s either the jealous, controlling type or untrustworthy himself or both.

TurtleTriplets · 16/12/2022 15:11

I would leave this relationship.

Whilst you weren't covered in glory here, a drunken kiss one week into a relationship is hardly worthy of the punishment you are getting.

How long were you dating before becoming official in November?

Notaflippinclue · 16/12/2022 15:16

Gordon Bennet - why do women put up with such nonsense from these ridiculous men

SunflowerTed · 16/12/2022 15:17

You have different ideas on fidelity and he’s never going to trust you again. You’re not evil just disrespectful

RunDownRita · 16/12/2022 15:18

although I am the one in the wrong I now feel like he is becoming abusive

Yes, he's using a wrong-doing on your part as a stick to beat you. To me, that's far worse than a drunken kiss.

He's shown you who he is. Time to say goodbye. Suspect he'll quickly change his tune when you do and tell you he's forgiven everything- if it were me, this would make no difference.

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 15:23

If he posted his side but as a woman he’d be told to dump you, you’re a cheat and they never change, it was definitely more than a kiss and you’re just minimising.

you sleep with someone before you were “official”, you need to be clear on what he understood you were. You kissed someone when official. Yes it was early days, but it was shitty and he’s allowed to be upset.

Original poster
cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 15:25

He’s allowed to be upset, but it was JUST a kiss, merely 5 seconds long and did not go on to be anything more and I did not continue to speak to this man afterwards. I don’t think what I have done means I deserve this now.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 16/12/2022 15:30

Why do you want to stay with him? I bet he already has other negative points. Just get rid. You'll regret staying with him if he's going to keep this up.

Hannahshome · 16/12/2022 15:33

I initially thought a week after meeting this chap a snog means very little. But then you mentioned August and being exclusive etc. So I’m not so sure now.

With no ties I’d walk away. As others have said his version of fidelity and yours are different. He is beating you with a stick. You think a 5 second kiss when you are exclusive doesn’t matter. He thinks it’s the end if the world. To work at moving past it at the one year phase with no kids or commitments I couldn’t be bothered. It’s likely to rear its ugly head time and time again. Move on, start fresh and define fidelity early on in your next relationship.

Bronnau · 16/12/2022 15:33

TBH I'd be very hurt if I was him- You'd been seeing him (though not exclusively) since at least August, and you kissed someone in November, a month after you'd both agreed that you wanted to be together, just the two of you. You should have let him know at the time and not led him to believe that you'd been faithful, it's a long time for you have kept that to yourself.

I think a snog at a party when you're still in the honeymoon period is a bit indicative of a person who will take the opportunity to cheat.

Saying that, he shouldn't say you're evil or any of that- He should just dump you imo.

loislovesstewie · 16/12/2022 15:34

Just end it, a drunken 5 sec kiss has sent him bonkers. You will end up treading on egg shells, unable to leave the house without being given the 3rd degree and probably being physically abused. Let someone else have this prince of a man, you don't need this.

nancydroo · 16/12/2022 15:35

Tell him to get a grip. It's not becoming of a man to be so wet and whiny. I'm tell him if he's no longer interested then you can both move on

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 15:42

RUN.

AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

He took a totally random qn about someone else to push you about snogging a guy.

OK you did, you shouldn't, he's allowed to be upset. But calling you EVIL??

You then cleared the air with this guy who you see at work, were honest and he's totally blown it up.
And all this after he blew up at you having sex with someone whilst you WEREN'T in a relationship with him.

It will never get better

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 15:46

Bronnau · 16/12/2022 15:33

TBH I'd be very hurt if I was him- You'd been seeing him (though not exclusively) since at least August, and you kissed someone in November, a month after you'd both agreed that you wanted to be together, just the two of you. You should have let him know at the time and not led him to believe that you'd been faithful, it's a long time for you have kept that to yourself.

I think a snog at a party when you're still in the honeymoon period is a bit indicative of a person who will take the opportunity to cheat.

Saying that, he shouldn't say you're evil or any of that- He should just dump you imo.

This. You should have told him! Of course he's angry at you now. As someone already said above you're not evil, just disrespectful and he has the right to be angry and hurt about that. Just give him a little time and from now on don't keep things from him anymore.

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 15:50

BTW you didnt just keep It from him you also lied when he asked about It.

Claudia84 · 16/12/2022 15:51

Walk away. You were in the wrong (although I don't think it's that bad) but doesn't sound like he'll get over it.

You shouldn't have to beg/ plead like that. Forgiveness is either there or it isn't.

Etinoxaurus · 16/12/2022 15:51

catchthedog · 16/12/2022 13:32

I'd be absolutely furious and very hurt too. his whole last year is essentially a lie.
it's obviously not something you can't get past, but I think you deserve him to be upset and angry amd need to work through this for a while.

Ah what bollocks.
She kissed someone when they were barely dating. No big deal. His Poirot act and jealousy and mind games are the reason OP should run away now.
He’ll never let it go. The relationship is dead in the water.

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