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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I cheated

123 replies

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 13:20

Me and my boyfriend have been together for one year and one month. A week into the relationship. I went on a night out and a work colleague bumped into me. We were both very drunk and he kissed me. He works in a different office to me and we barely see each other. We never brought this up again or spoke about it, I didn’t tell my partner because it seemed minor and it wasn’t an affair. I didn’t carry on speaking or entertaining this man. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend over here is a conversation which has nothing to do with me and in his head makes it about my work colleague. It’s actually about someone else, but he says to me did you kiss this person. I said no where are you getting this information from and he said just tell me the truth. I said yes I did I’m sorry it was a drunken mistake and it was over a year ago. Things have been perfect with us since then. He is telling me that I am evil and that I have cheated on him and that everyone should know that I am a cheat. He then messages the man to ask for details. Over the space of a week we try to sort things out between each other Been crying non-stop. Last Saturday was my Christmas Work party and I happened to see said colleague. I spoke to him briefly to see if he was okay and to clear the air. I told my partner that I spoke to him very briefly, and he has told me that that is extremely disrespectful. he keeps bringing it up even though he’s told me that we can work past it and although I feel absolutely awful for what I’ve done if he can’t forgive me, I can’t keep trying to make this work. We have been fine with each other this week and decided we both want this relationship and want to fix things this morning. I called him to see if he would like to see me today and he told me that he is not ready to see me again properly and go back to how things were. He again told me I am evil and that I have made a massive mistake. He continues to tell me how much of a bad person I am and how he’s not sure if he can forgive me. I feel as though he is stringing me on and although I am the one in the wrong I now feel like he is becoming abusive . Has anyone been in a similar situation and can anyone offer me any advice because I’m not happy. If I say to him that I want to leave the relationship he will turn round and say that you’re the one that cheated on me, and of course walk away from all your problems, don’t confront the problem head-on . Please help me this is breaking me.

OP posts:
cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:55

i kissed the man before he found out about the sex. We then had a discussion about the sex and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about the kiss on top of that

OP posts:
cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:56

Since he told me he loved me and it was serious I have never ever entertained another man in any way shape or form

OP posts:
CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:56

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:52

I agree with you completely. I feel so awful for him and so guilty as I don’t want him to feel like this is his fault, it’s entirely mine. I felt so in love with him straight away and I was scared of my emotions as he always used to tell me it was not serious. This is why I slept with someone else. When he found out about that he told me that he loved me and was hurt.

OP, If you love him, show him you're commited to him and he may forgive you and things could get back to normal. You'll have to earn his trust again. He said he's willing to forgive.

Dery · 16/12/2022 16:58

OP - it does sound a bit like you were ricocheting between men - that’s 3 different men in 3 months. It sounds a bit chaotic. I think there may be some useful lessons here for you. Have you examined why you did that?

Dery · 16/12/2022 17:01

And why did you feel bad about sleeping with someone else when he was most likely doing the same? That put you on the back foot and made you deny the kiss but if he was also seeing other women, there was no need for you to feel bad about it.

Diffuserqueen · 16/12/2022 17:01

Gosh it was a drunken kiss a week after going steady, can’t believe anyone would get their arse in their hands about it

op, personally I’d end it, I couldn’t be arsed with his whiny little boy act. But I’m not you. I suggest you tell him it’s make or break he has till Sunday to decide if he wants to accept and move on, or you will end it. If he accepts then he needs to shut the fuck uo and not mention it again. As it was a drunken kiss.at the very start

Etinoxaurus · 16/12/2022 17:02

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:56

OP, If you love him, show him you're commited to him and he may forgive you and things could get back to normal. You'll have to earn his trust again. He said he's willing to forgive.

Why though? It’s not as though men are scarce. Sounds like you’re confusing this relationship with a marriage. OP hasn’t mentioned children or property. Why should she prove herself? Onwards and upwards OP

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 17:02

Yes I had just come out of a 5 year relationship and had no confidence, I was literally getting validation. I’m not proud of it but that’s the fact

OP posts:
Motnight · 16/12/2022 17:02

roarfeckingroarr · 16/12/2022 16:54

It was a kiss very very early on. Not a big deal. But I think the combination of the kiss and having sex with someone when you were seeing each other would have me walk away from the relationship.

Agree. If your partner came on asking for advice he would get told to leave you.

RunDownRita · 16/12/2022 17:02

There's a certain sort of man (and it is often a man) who is subconsciously just waiting for a reason to punish his partner. OP, it sounds like you've got yourself one of those. Holding out "forgiveness" as a carrot while simultaneously abusing you and calling you evil, and still thinking he has the moral high ground- he must think all his Christmases have come at once.

You say in your first post that you think he's becoming abusive and indicate that you would like to leave. Given what you've said about his behaviour, that sounds like a good idea. And guess what, even if he's not abusing you, you are allowed to leave. You don't have to be the good guy. Trust your instincts and hit the bricks.

Diffuserqueen · 16/12/2022 17:02

OP, If you love him, show him you're commited to him and he may forgive you and things could get back to normal. You'll have to earn his trust again. He said he's willing to forgive

wtf. 😂

Diffuserqueen · 16/12/2022 17:03

Motnight · 16/12/2022 17:02

Agree. If your partner came on asking for advice he would get told to leave you.

Nah he wouldn’t, he was shagging and multiples, they were not exclusive, since they habe been she’s had one drunken 5 second kiss at rhe very start, hardly crime of rhe century get a grip

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 17:04

Diffuserqueen · 16/12/2022 17:02

OP, If you love him, show him you're commited to him and he may forgive you and things could get back to normal. You'll have to earn his trust again. He said he's willing to forgive

wtf. 😂

He said he wants to move forward with her and It sounds to me like she wants the same. So she has to earn back his trust for that to happen.

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 17:04

Thats not a weird conclusion Is It? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Diffuserqueen · 16/12/2022 17:07

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 17:04

He said he wants to move forward with her and It sounds to me like she wants the same. So she has to earn back his trust for that to happen.

trust? For a quick peck at the start? Come on.

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 17:08

Diffuserqueen · 16/12/2022 17:07

trust? For a quick peck at the start? Come on.

Come on, she cheated, kept It from him and lied to him.

Pipsquiggle · 16/12/2022 17:09

He is showing you who he is.
There are red flags all over your posts.
He has totally over reacted to a minor indiscretion that meant nothing to you. Him bringing this up all the time is frankly weird and abusive.

How do you think he'll react when your relationship really hits the bumps?

Do you want to be treated like this?

I would walk away quickly

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 17:10

The problem for him is he only just found out. In all honesty I thought he’d never find out and as wrong as it is that is what I thought so I didn’t want to bring it up and cause problems when the problem was gone in my eyes, I didn’t speak to the man again and didn’t carry on any sort of relationship.

OP posts:
cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 17:11

Agree

OP posts:
MamaFirst · 16/12/2022 17:13

I think he's overreacting calling you evil and saying everyone needs to know you're a cheat, stringing you along etc. It does indicate how he might react going forward to other disagreements and fall outs and suggest threatening and controlling behaviours rather than person between the two of you. You were a week into a relationship - I would absolutely be hurt and require ongoing conversations and questions answered and ultimately reassurance about the rest of your relationship since, but he's going ott imo. I cant see him trusting you again, he'd fling it back at you five years from now.

catchthedog · 16/12/2022 17:13

I am shocked at the amount of people, presumably women, on this thread minimising cheating and justifying it.

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 17:14

Etinoxaurus · 16/12/2022 17:02

Why though? It’s not as though men are scarce. Sounds like you’re confusing this relationship with a marriage. OP hasn’t mentioned children or property. Why should she prove herself? Onwards and upwards OP

I mean, If she wants to make this relationship work she has to earn his trust again In order to make It work.

If the relationship Isnt serious at all yeah then just dump him and thats It.

Thewookiemustgo · 16/12/2022 17:15

I’m so sorry you’re hurting so badly. It sounds like his view of what constitutes cheating clashes with yours, you see it as a drunken meaningless 5 second mistake and he sees it as a betrayal of trust. It is unfortunately both of those things, but although you are absolutely sure of how you felt about it at the time and how you feel about your boyfriend, he now has had his trust in you broken and can’t be sure about anything you say or said at the time at present. Once your trust has been broken you start questioning things, see the person you trusted in a different light. What feels insignificant to you does not to him, it’s clearly a very big deal. You need to show him you can be trusted, the long faithful time you subsequently spent with him won’t count for much in his eyes sadly at the moment. He sees you differently at present.
He is allowed to be angry and hurt. What he is not allowed to do however is say that he wants to stay with you but then abuse you and call you ‘evil’. If that’s what he really thinks about you he should break up with you. You have a lot of work to do now to earn back his trust. This apart, he is clearly being nasty and abusive, and whilst he feels your cheating showed him an unknown side to you, he is now showing you an unknown side to him which sounds deeply unpleasant.
It’s a horrible time of year to suffer a break up and I can see how upset you are, but if he thinks it’s ok to say he wants to reconcile with you yet be cruel and verbally punish you at the same time, then do you really want a man who can treat you like this? You once did a bad thing OP but it doesn’t make you evil, if that’s what he really thinks why on earth is he with you?
He doesn’t get to stay in the relationship and constantly beat you up about what you did. Yes, you wronged him and have a lot to do yourself to get his trust back, but his current behaviour is far from ok.

Vaccine001 · 16/12/2022 17:16

He needs to dump you now!

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 17:17

I feel like I am laying down and being kicked over and over then picked up and cuddled, then kicked again and again. I know I have done wrong, I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, I feel regretful but I don’t want him to stay with me if he’s not happy and can’t move past it.

OP posts: