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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I cheated

123 replies

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 13:20

Me and my boyfriend have been together for one year and one month. A week into the relationship. I went on a night out and a work colleague bumped into me. We were both very drunk and he kissed me. He works in a different office to me and we barely see each other. We never brought this up again or spoke about it, I didn’t tell my partner because it seemed minor and it wasn’t an affair. I didn’t carry on speaking or entertaining this man. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend over here is a conversation which has nothing to do with me and in his head makes it about my work colleague. It’s actually about someone else, but he says to me did you kiss this person. I said no where are you getting this information from and he said just tell me the truth. I said yes I did I’m sorry it was a drunken mistake and it was over a year ago. Things have been perfect with us since then. He is telling me that I am evil and that I have cheated on him and that everyone should know that I am a cheat. He then messages the man to ask for details. Over the space of a week we try to sort things out between each other Been crying non-stop. Last Saturday was my Christmas Work party and I happened to see said colleague. I spoke to him briefly to see if he was okay and to clear the air. I told my partner that I spoke to him very briefly, and he has told me that that is extremely disrespectful. he keeps bringing it up even though he’s told me that we can work past it and although I feel absolutely awful for what I’ve done if he can’t forgive me, I can’t keep trying to make this work. We have been fine with each other this week and decided we both want this relationship and want to fix things this morning. I called him to see if he would like to see me today and he told me that he is not ready to see me again properly and go back to how things were. He again told me I am evil and that I have made a massive mistake. He continues to tell me how much of a bad person I am and how he’s not sure if he can forgive me. I feel as though he is stringing me on and although I am the one in the wrong I now feel like he is becoming abusive . Has anyone been in a similar situation and can anyone offer me any advice because I’m not happy. If I say to him that I want to leave the relationship he will turn round and say that you’re the one that cheated on me, and of course walk away from all your problems, don’t confront the problem head-on . Please help me this is breaking me.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 16:27

catchthedog · 16/12/2022 16:23

@Etinoxaurus it's been 3 weeks! it's hardly like he's dragging her down for months and not getting over it. initial anger rage and upset is entirely normal.

Especially as he’s found out she slept with someone and kept it secret, then kissed someone and kept it secret, then directly lied about it, then minimised it.

he’s upset about all that

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 16:28

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:23

He’s told me that I am gaslighting him as I didn’t tell him before. I know i am wrong for not telling him but I didn’t want to ruin our relationship, so yes I lied but I did not gaslight

He doesn't understand gaslighting.

He asked once, you told him the truth.

So if he had other women in August sleeping (with him) in his flat, why does it matter that you had sex? Why is that a thing that caused an issue

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:28

Seriously- If he was still dating others too at that point this whole thread Is kinda pointless- In that case you didnt cheat on him you just werent exclusive yet. In THAT case you didnt do anything wrong.

WishIhadacrystalball · 16/12/2022 16:29

He’s not upset that you kissed someone he is upset that you have carried on a relationship for all this time without telling him. This on top of you sleeping with someone else early on must be making him think wtf else is there?!
Role reverse you post that you found this out about him and reveal he slept with another girl that early on. Everyone would be saying LTB and omg that’s only the twice you know about.
No wonder he is so upset. I’m sure people have said worse when upset and angry it doesn’t mean they mean it.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 16:30

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 16:27

Especially as he’s found out she slept with someone and kept it secret, then kissed someone and kept it secret, then directly lied about it, then minimised it.

he’s upset about all that

She slept with someone else at a time when they weren't official and when he was sleeping with other women.

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:30

God I am so confused. Just answer this one question for me OP: Were you exclusive at the time you kissed this random drunk guy or not?

AmITooTired · 16/12/2022 16:31

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:23

He’s told me that I am gaslighting him as I didn’t tell him before. I know i am wrong for not telling him but I didn’t want to ruin our relationship, so yes I lied but I did not gaslight

The moment you kissed someone else is when you did indeed ruin this relationship.
You’re lying just made it so much worse.
And he should have had all the info in the beginning of the relationship, when it would have been easy to walk away (if he wanted) without too much feelings involved.
You took a year from his life.

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 16:31

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 16:28

He doesn't understand gaslighting.

He asked once, you told him the truth.

So if he had other women in August sleeping (with him) in his flat, why does it matter that you had sex? Why is that a thing that caused an issue

Ok so early on neither were exclusive. Fine

but she was asked about the kiss and lied, then came clean but I guess minimised it (like she did here)

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 16:31

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 16:30

She slept with someone else at a time when they weren't official and when he was sleeping with other women.

Understood. She’s answered now

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:32

Yes

OP posts:
CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:32

Sorry pressed too soon

If you were exclusive: You're In the wrong. Not him. He's allowed to be angry, dissapointed, upset and dump you.

If you weren't exclusive: He's being weird.

Mischance · 16/12/2022 16:32

One drunken kiss a week into your relationship!

I would leave this relationship - if he can get worked up about that then he is likely to find other ways to make your life a misery in the future. Freedom beckons - just follow!

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 16:33

Mischance · 16/12/2022 16:32

One drunken kiss a week into your relationship!

I would leave this relationship - if he can get worked up about that then he is likely to find other ways to make your life a misery in the future. Freedom beckons - just follow!

How dare he “get worked up” about his girlfriend kissing someone else then lying about it!

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:34

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:32

Yes

In that case, please dont make It sound like you're the victim here. You were unfaithful and he has every right to be mad and dump you. You'll just have to swallow It If he does.

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:36

I’ve made it very clear I am not the victim, I am well aware that what I have done is wrong. I wouldn’t have reacted in the same way as him but he’s entitled to his own feelings. What I’m saying is I don’t think it’s fair that he said he’s happy to make it work and forgive me to then bring it up over and over. He needs to leave me and respect himself or stay and let him to prove my loyalty.

OP posts:
user12345678213 · 16/12/2022 16:36

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:20

I’ve made it very clear that it is not his fault and there is nothing that he did to deserve it. Accepting I’m wrong and trying to fix it does not make me evil.

He is totally over reacting, you sound loving and caring but you made a mistake, drink makes us do silly things, however, a kiss is not by any stretch of the imagination "cheating"

He either loves you or he doesn't, tbh he sounds a right knobhead and as tough as it might be for you, get rid.

What on earth would he do if did really cheat on him?

MistyRock · 16/12/2022 16:38

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 15:42

RUN.

AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

He took a totally random qn about someone else to push you about snogging a guy.

OK you did, you shouldn't, he's allowed to be upset. But calling you EVIL??

You then cleared the air with this guy who you see at work, were honest and he's totally blown it up.
And all this after he blew up at you having sex with someone whilst you WEREN'T in a relationship with him.

It will never get better

I completely agree with all of this.

EarthlyNightshade · 16/12/2022 16:38

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:34

In that case, please dont make It sound like you're the victim here. You were unfaithful and he has every right to be mad and dump you. You'll just have to swallow It If he does.

Dumping her would be an acceptable reaction to this if he can't get over it.
Everyone has different red lines in a relationship.
Calling OP evil and her feeling like he is stringing him along it not ok though and as so many times on Mumsnet, I am surprised that so many posters do think that's ok.

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:39

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:36

I’ve made it very clear I am not the victim, I am well aware that what I have done is wrong. I wouldn’t have reacted in the same way as him but he’s entitled to his own feelings. What I’m saying is I don’t think it’s fair that he said he’s happy to make it work and forgive me to then bring it up over and over. He needs to leave me and respect himself or stay and let him to prove my loyalty.

He wants to forgive, but you dont understand that he cant do that right away. You have to prove to him that you are commited to him and yes, hes allowed to bring It up since Its something thats bothering him. It will keep bothering him for a while and you'll have to deal with that.

He's completely being fair.

He shouldnt have called you evil but people say things they dont mean when theyre angry.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 16/12/2022 16:41

One week in and it was just a kiss. He is ridiculous!!

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:42

EarthlyNightshade · 16/12/2022 16:38

Dumping her would be an acceptable reaction to this if he can't get over it.
Everyone has different red lines in a relationship.
Calling OP evil and her feeling like he is stringing him along it not ok though and as so many times on Mumsnet, I am surprised that so many posters do think that's ok.

@EarthlyNightshade Its not ok to call her evil, I just mean to say that maybe he only said that out of anger (which Isnt an excuse) but didnt mean It.

Other than calling you evil In what seems to me like an impulse (but I dont know the guy obviously so I'm just assuming It was In an impulse since thats pretty normal) the guy has done nothing wrong while you cheated, kept things from him and lied to him.

Bard6817 · 16/12/2022 16:49

Sounds to me like he hasn’t ever really got over the sleeping with someone else, and when this new old incident it’s fresh and recent for him.

As others have said, if roles were revsersed, you would be being told how awfull he is and to get out. my advice is finish with him, you both have different values, and he is struggling with new revelations.

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:52

I agree with you completely. I feel so awful for him and so guilty as I don’t want him to feel like this is his fault, it’s entirely mine. I felt so in love with him straight away and I was scared of my emotions as he always used to tell me it was not serious. This is why I slept with someone else. When he found out about that he told me that he loved me and was hurt.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 16/12/2022 16:54

It was a kiss very very early on. Not a big deal. But I think the combination of the kiss and having sex with someone when you were seeing each other would have me walk away from the relationship.

catchthedog · 16/12/2022 16:54

Well this is even worse.. he told u he loved u and was hurt.. so you became exclusive and then you cheated on him anyway