Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I cheated

123 replies

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 13:20

Me and my boyfriend have been together for one year and one month. A week into the relationship. I went on a night out and a work colleague bumped into me. We were both very drunk and he kissed me. He works in a different office to me and we barely see each other. We never brought this up again or spoke about it, I didn’t tell my partner because it seemed minor and it wasn’t an affair. I didn’t carry on speaking or entertaining this man. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend over here is a conversation which has nothing to do with me and in his head makes it about my work colleague. It’s actually about someone else, but he says to me did you kiss this person. I said no where are you getting this information from and he said just tell me the truth. I said yes I did I’m sorry it was a drunken mistake and it was over a year ago. Things have been perfect with us since then. He is telling me that I am evil and that I have cheated on him and that everyone should know that I am a cheat. He then messages the man to ask for details. Over the space of a week we try to sort things out between each other Been crying non-stop. Last Saturday was my Christmas Work party and I happened to see said colleague. I spoke to him briefly to see if he was okay and to clear the air. I told my partner that I spoke to him very briefly, and he has told me that that is extremely disrespectful. he keeps bringing it up even though he’s told me that we can work past it and although I feel absolutely awful for what I’ve done if he can’t forgive me, I can’t keep trying to make this work. We have been fine with each other this week and decided we both want this relationship and want to fix things this morning. I called him to see if he would like to see me today and he told me that he is not ready to see me again properly and go back to how things were. He again told me I am evil and that I have made a massive mistake. He continues to tell me how much of a bad person I am and how he’s not sure if he can forgive me. I feel as though he is stringing me on and although I am the one in the wrong I now feel like he is becoming abusive . Has anyone been in a similar situation and can anyone offer me any advice because I’m not happy. If I say to him that I want to leave the relationship he will turn round and say that you’re the one that cheated on me, and of course walk away from all your problems, don’t confront the problem head-on . Please help me this is breaking me.

OP posts:
catchthedog · 16/12/2022 17:21

@cryingallthetimee again.. its been 3 weeks you said.
it takes months sometimes years to rebuild trust. if you want it to work, you need to give it time. if you don't, or you need immediate forgiveness, just leave as its unrealistic.

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 17:24

I understand it’ll take a while to forgive, just feel like I’m being thrown around a bit in the process

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 17:39

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 16:31

Ok so early on neither were exclusive. Fine

but she was asked about the kiss and lied, then came clean but I guess minimised it (like she did here)

Yes I missed she said no, he said did you and then she said yes. But still, not gaslighting.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 17:41

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 17:24

I understand it’ll take a while to forgive, just feel like I’m being thrown around a bit in the process

What do you get from this relationship? Is he generally jealous?

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 17:43

Yes always, I zoned out in the supermarket the other day and ended up ‘looking’ at a man in the shop and my boyfriend said ‘weird’ and walked off, I feel as though I need to walk around with my eyes closed

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 16/12/2022 17:47

Bet you anything he is just an abusive dick and this is a stick to beat you with. Was your previous relationship abusive in any way as well?

Just get rid. Tell him you are doing him a favour and dump him. You'll look back with regret if you don't, when he's still controlling you years later.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 17:49

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 17:43

Yes always, I zoned out in the supermarket the other day and ended up ‘looking’ at a man in the shop and my boyfriend said ‘weird’ and walked off, I feel as though I need to walk around with my eyes closed

They you need to get out.

Is this honestly how you want to spend the rest of your life?

It's snowing and Steve from work, who's not attractive, gives you a lo+ift home. What would your bf say?
It's snowing and Santos from work, who's pretty looks like Henry Cavil, gives you a lift home. What would your bf say?
The new guy at work adam is a laugh, yo u share an interest. You asks you, completely above board, if you want to go to something with him Sunday. His wife knows, she's cool with it but doesn't want to go. What would he say?

Cos if it isn't "that's nice dear" or equivalent, it's not good enough

Killingmytime · 16/12/2022 17:53

Sorry but if this were a woman saying her do had done this the replies would be oh so different!
im not surprised he’s upset, he prob thinks there’s more!
you’ve obviously been seeing each other much longer than October even if you decided to define yourself then.
he forgave one indiscretion, and then there’s another that you didn’t tell him about.
i don’t know if you will be able to get over this, I think the trust has gone.
maybe if you’d told him he wouldn’t be so upset. ( if you told him regarding aug, why not about this?)

AmITooTired · 16/12/2022 17:55

catchthedog · 16/12/2022 17:13

I am shocked at the amount of people, presumably women, on this thread minimising cheating and justifying it.

There’s a lot of it round here actually, always suprises me.

Usually the only time it bad when a man cheats while woman is pregnant/ they have kids.

AmITooTired · 16/12/2022 17:56

AmITooTired · 16/12/2022 17:55

There’s a lot of it round here actually, always suprises me.

Usually the only time it bad when a man cheats while woman is pregnant/ they have kids.

And even the only if it’s ling affair with much younger woman…

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 17:56

Killingmytime · 16/12/2022 17:53

Sorry but if this were a woman saying her do had done this the replies would be oh so different!
im not surprised he’s upset, he prob thinks there’s more!
you’ve obviously been seeing each other much longer than October even if you decided to define yourself then.
he forgave one indiscretion, and then there’s another that you didn’t tell him about.
i don’t know if you will be able to get over this, I think the trust has gone.
maybe if you’d told him he wouldn’t be so upset. ( if you told him regarding aug, why not about this?)

But there wasn't another indiscretion? In August they were both seeing other people. Two months later they became exclusive. He didn't like it because he's of a jealous disposition but she didn't do anything wrong. In November she snogged work bloke, which is the one he has a right to be upset about.

Lovageandrose · 16/12/2022 17:56

Is the a reverse? He’s behaving exactly how most people on here behave.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2022 18:00

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 17:04

He said he wants to move forward with her and It sounds to me like she wants the same. So she has to earn back his trust for that to happen.

She came out of a 5 Yr relationship that left her self worth in tatters into a relationship with this jealous Prince of a man. I think what @cryingallthetimee actually needs is to be single and not trust her taste in men until she's healed cos currently it's pretty poor

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 18:13

catchthedog · 16/12/2022 17:13

I am shocked at the amount of people, presumably women, on this thread minimising cheating and justifying it.

Because it’s a woman doing it

very different when it’s a man

BadNomad · 16/12/2022 18:38

Just walk away now. The trust is gone. Save yourselves the trauma of trying to beat this dead horse back to life.

EarthlyNightshade · 16/12/2022 18:41

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 18:13

Because it’s a woman doing it

very different when it’s a man

Women trying to support the woman who posted on a site that is frequented by mostly women.
Very few people justifying cheating, but lots of support for a woman who is struggling with how her partner is currently treating her.

Celeste777 · 16/12/2022 18:51

Good grief, he's making spiteful comments in the supermarket because you accidentally looked at a man?
This is a very slippery slope and if it was me I'd tell him
To get a fucking grip, and leave him.

Motnight · 16/12/2022 19:11

Diffuserqueen · 16/12/2022 17:03

Nah he wouldn’t, he was shagging and multiples, they were not exclusive, since they habe been she’s had one drunken 5 second kiss at rhe very start, hardly crime of rhe century get a grip

You think that this is a healthy relationship that the Op is describing? One of them needs to leave the other. No grip needed at my end though 😂

Herejustforthisone · 16/12/2022 20:13

He’s a total goon. And the absolutely extreme nature of his response suggests he’s projecting and his own behaviour with those other women was far from whiter-than-white.

themanwho · 17/12/2022 05:47

He sounds like a nasty piece of work

yes he’s got every reason to feel upset, but it’s not ok to be abusive like this

a kiss off just a kiss.. And it was really early days in your relationship

he’s supposed to be in love with you.

You don’t want to be with someone who thinks it’s ok to call you evil just because they’re upset

get out of this when it’s still easy. This guys not a keeper

Same1977 · 17/12/2022 06:02

Killingmytime · 16/12/2022 17:53

Sorry but if this were a woman saying her do had done this the replies would be oh so different!
im not surprised he’s upset, he prob thinks there’s more!
you’ve obviously been seeing each other much longer than October even if you decided to define yourself then.
he forgave one indiscretion, and then there’s another that you didn’t tell him about.
i don’t know if you will be able to get over this, I think the trust has gone.
maybe if you’d told him he wouldn’t be so upset. ( if you told him regarding aug, why not about this?)

This! I Bet very few women would think nothing of a drunken kiss when it's their partner who has done it.As always different standards for men and women. He doesn't trust her anymore and probably wonders if there is more or if there will be more as being drunk seems to be the excuse.

Bepis · 17/12/2022 06:11

When I had been dating my DH for about 3 months, I found out he had been sexting numerous women. He never met up with any of them or did anything physical but it absolutely destroyed me. I felt physically sick and I would go from feeling angry and then to sad. It was a rollercoaster.

I don't think you appreciate how hurtful this can be and how long it can take to process the hurt and move on. It took me months to be able to start trusting him again. It's only been 3 weeks for your OH but I think you need to be more understanding with him and how he is feeling.

What hurt me more is the keeping it secret and lying about it. Trust has been broken and he is perhaps now wondering what else has been happening that you may have lied about.

And whoever said kissing is not cheating...what??

H112 · 17/12/2022 09:18

He must feel awful though and someone you work with.. too much drama just leave

New posts on this thread. Refresh page