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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I cheated

123 replies

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 13:20

Me and my boyfriend have been together for one year and one month. A week into the relationship. I went on a night out and a work colleague bumped into me. We were both very drunk and he kissed me. He works in a different office to me and we barely see each other. We never brought this up again or spoke about it, I didn’t tell my partner because it seemed minor and it wasn’t an affair. I didn’t carry on speaking or entertaining this man. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend over here is a conversation which has nothing to do with me and in his head makes it about my work colleague. It’s actually about someone else, but he says to me did you kiss this person. I said no where are you getting this information from and he said just tell me the truth. I said yes I did I’m sorry it was a drunken mistake and it was over a year ago. Things have been perfect with us since then. He is telling me that I am evil and that I have cheated on him and that everyone should know that I am a cheat. He then messages the man to ask for details. Over the space of a week we try to sort things out between each other Been crying non-stop. Last Saturday was my Christmas Work party and I happened to see said colleague. I spoke to him briefly to see if he was okay and to clear the air. I told my partner that I spoke to him very briefly, and he has told me that that is extremely disrespectful. he keeps bringing it up even though he’s told me that we can work past it and although I feel absolutely awful for what I’ve done if he can’t forgive me, I can’t keep trying to make this work. We have been fine with each other this week and decided we both want this relationship and want to fix things this morning. I called him to see if he would like to see me today and he told me that he is not ready to see me again properly and go back to how things were. He again told me I am evil and that I have made a massive mistake. He continues to tell me how much of a bad person I am and how he’s not sure if he can forgive me. I feel as though he is stringing me on and although I am the one in the wrong I now feel like he is becoming abusive . Has anyone been in a similar situation and can anyone offer me any advice because I’m not happy. If I say to him that I want to leave the relationship he will turn round and say that you’re the one that cheated on me, and of course walk away from all your problems, don’t confront the problem head-on . Please help me this is breaking me.

OP posts:
Etinoxaurus · 16/12/2022 15:52

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 15:25

He’s allowed to be upset, but it was JUST a kiss, merely 5 seconds long and did not go on to be anything more and I did not continue to speak to this man afterwards. I don’t think what I have done means I deserve this now.

Exactly. It’s his problem. Walk away.

AmITooTired · 16/12/2022 15:52

To you maybe, it was ’just a kiss’.
Not to him (wouldn’t be be for me either).
Poor guy, wasted a year on you.

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 15:53

Etinoxaurus · 16/12/2022 15:51

Ah what bollocks.
She kissed someone when they were barely dating. No big deal. His Poirot act and jealousy and mind games are the reason OP should run away now.
He’ll never let it go. The relationship is dead in the water.

She also lied about It when he asked her about It 🤦🏼‍♀️

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 15:55

Just to clarify, he shouldnt be saying youre evil and all that but he's probably just dissapointed In you and maybe saying things he doesnt actually mean?

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 15:55

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 15:50

BTW you didnt just keep It from him you also lied when he asked about It.

No I didnt
ok I did but only 5 seconds
and I chatted again at the party

anyone in the receiving end of that would definitely think they hadn’t got the truth

also, you’re not saying what your boyfriend thought you were when you slept with someone else. Did he know you were “not official” and allowed to sleep with others.

ok his reaction isn’t great. He’s allowed to be upset, and to dump you but calling you evil isn’t on.

catchthedog · 16/12/2022 15:57

@Etinoxaurus you obviously have low standards for yourself. she was in an exclusive relationship with someone and kissed someone else. he has every right be to hurt by that.

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 15:59

catchthedog · 16/12/2022 15:57

@Etinoxaurus you obviously have low standards for yourself. she was in an exclusive relationship with someone and kissed someone else. he has every right be to hurt by that.

God I'm so glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks that way!

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:00

I’m not denying him his feelings, what I have done is wrong and I shouldn’t have hidden it from him. I just don’t feel as though he should tell me it’s okay and that he wants to continue with me if he continues to bring it up over and over.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 16:02

When you slept with someone did he believe you were exclusive?

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:02

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:00

I’m not denying him his feelings, what I have done is wrong and I shouldn’t have hidden it from him. I just don’t feel as though he should tell me it’s okay and that he wants to continue with me if he continues to bring it up over and over.

He wants to move past this but he's just hurt and unsure If he can trust you. Very normal It still bothers him, don't blame him for that. You gotta make It up to him dont expect him to forgive and forget right away.

Emmamoo89 · 16/12/2022 16:04

Move on

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:04

To me It sounds like he wants to forgive but he'll just need time and you have to show him you're commited to him.

nancydroo · 16/12/2022 16:10

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:00

I’m not denying him his feelings, what I have done is wrong and I shouldn’t have hidden it from him. I just don’t feel as though he should tell me it’s okay and that he wants to continue with me if he continues to bring it up over and over.

There's feelings but calling you evil is a load of shit

BeverlyHa · 16/12/2022 16:15

Leave the relationship. You aren't even married and he says you are evil. Vilifying people for a drunken mistake is still emotional abuse. Just leave.

AmITooTired · 16/12/2022 16:18

BeverlyHa · 16/12/2022 16:15

Leave the relationship. You aren't even married and he says you are evil. Vilifying people for a drunken mistake is still emotional abuse. Just leave.

🙄Oh please!

If he’s abusive for using a word evil, what is she - you know - the liar and a cheater?

catchthedog · 16/12/2022 16:18

@BeverlyHa vilifying someone for being upset at being cheated on is also abusive, like its his fault or that he should accept such behaviour. this is exactly how women get trapped in relationships with serial cheaters.

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:20

I’ve made it very clear that it is not his fault and there is nothing that he did to deserve it. Accepting I’m wrong and trying to fix it does not make me evil.

OP posts:
iknowhimsowell · 16/12/2022 16:21

BeverlyHa · 16/12/2022 16:15

Leave the relationship. You aren't even married and he says you are evil. Vilifying people for a drunken mistake is still emotional abuse. Just leave.

I agree with this, can understand he's hurt but calling you evil is NOT acceptable in any circumstances.it doesn't sound like a relationship with any future.

Etinoxaurus · 16/12/2022 16:21

catchthedog · 16/12/2022 15:57

@Etinoxaurus you obviously have low standards for yourself. she was in an exclusive relationship with someone and kissed someone else. he has every right be to hurt by that.

Hahaha! Not at all. Nearly 30 years monogamously married. But to react like this about a kiss weeks into a relationship is a very big red flag. Being shocked & hurt, even angry is completely appropriate, but he’s doing much more than this. And that’s why OP should leave. If not she’s signing up to a lifetime of gaslighting, blaming and always being the underdog.

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:23

He’s told me that I am gaslighting him as I didn’t tell him before. I know i am wrong for not telling him but I didn’t want to ruin our relationship, so yes I lied but I did not gaslight

OP posts:
catchthedog · 16/12/2022 16:23

@Etinoxaurus it's been 3 weeks! it's hardly like he's dragging her down for months and not getting over it. initial anger rage and upset is entirely normal.

Freezingfreda · 16/12/2022 16:24

End it. What you did wasn’t great but his reaction is way too aggressive. He will make your life a misery. You have no ties to him and a year isn’t that long so best to move on.

FloydPepper · 16/12/2022 16:25

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:23

He’s told me that I am gaslighting him as I didn’t tell him before. I know i am wrong for not telling him but I didn’t want to ruin our relationship, so yes I lied but I did not gaslight

When you slept with someone did he think you were exclusive?

you’re avoiding answering this

CaptainCastillo · 16/12/2022 16:26

Etinoxaurus · 16/12/2022 16:21

Hahaha! Not at all. Nearly 30 years monogamously married. But to react like this about a kiss weeks into a relationship is a very big red flag. Being shocked & hurt, even angry is completely appropriate, but he’s doing much more than this. And that’s why OP should leave. If not she’s signing up to a lifetime of gaslighting, blaming and always being the underdog.

Omg OP please dont listen to this.
Just to clarify: YOU cheated on him, YOU kept It from him, YOU lied to him, he's upset and called you evil but probably didnt even mean It. He probably said It In an Impulse and my gosh he even told you he's willing to forgive you! Prove your loyalty to him fgs and hope he'll be able to forgive you.

cryingallthetimee · 16/12/2022 16:26

No, he was still seeing other girls, I do not know whether he slept with them or not but they did stay at his flat etc

OP posts: