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Original poster

Ex husband's new wife, trouble in paradise, my children

108 replies

millymog11 · 13/12/2022 14:59

Has anyone had this or similar situation and how did you handle it ref: your children with your ex husband?
Ex husband cheated on me with a work colleague 15 years his junior (and about 17 years my junior as I am a year or two older than him). This was about 8 years ago. When confronted he did not bother to admit or deny, nor enter into any conversation, he just said "I will move out". He moved out about 2 weeks later. Our kids were aged 4 and 5.
Fast forward 8 years, in the interim; very acrimonious divorce, he introduced our kids to this work colleague pretty promptly. Ex continued to see our kids. Ex romanced this colleague like I have never known, divorce basically cost us everything of the marriage of 15 years, once divorce done, he married this colleague, they live about 2 hours drive away near her mum.
They then had a child (even tho my ex told me quite regularly he did not like children and regretted having our two children). Their child is now about 3.
My kids see my ex husband, his new wife and their half sibling alternate weekends etc. My ex and I basically never communicate about anything. He tells me when he wants our kids (no negotiation) and that is the total of it.
So the reason for the post. I am not exactly sure what is going on as i literally only have hearsay from my kids, but they came back from the last weekend and said that they tried to watch the football on Saturday night but could not watch it and ended up giving up watching it because my ex husband and his new wife had the most almighty row which went on for "all of the evening" (according to my 14 year old). Door slamming, my ex locking himself in some bedroom alone for a while which his wife eventually got into to continue this discussion, lots of accusations by my ex husband to my children's step mum about her cheating.

My daughter said she tried to listen to it because she was scared the baby (the 3 year old would wake up and the baby did indeed wake up) would be disturbed and my daughter does a lot of the looking after of the baby for some reason. She said her step mum denied the cheating thing but started to get sarcastic. They have always said that she does a lot of stuff on her own without my ex husband (socialising etc) and is not very keen on looking after the baby.

Anyway ex husband acted like nothing had happened around my kids on Sunday morning. Both came home quite distressed sunday night and my daughter asked me about divorce. :(.
As I don't talk to my ex husband at all how should I support my kids in this? I really have no idea what is going to happen. Ex husband comes from a family where adultery and multiple concurrent and subsequent partners are normal so I am wondering (hoping) that he says with her even if she is cheating so my kids at least get the stability of that. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
millymog11 · 13/12/2022 15:06

I am hoping he stays with her - is what I meant.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 13/12/2022 15:15

Don't get involved. Reassure your kids that they are safe and loved. Ensure they know that can always phone you if they want to come home.

Don't comment on ex's relationship.

GCAcademic · 13/12/2022 15:19

I'd stop sending them. Being in a child in a house where adults are rowing is traumatising. Has your eldest indicated whether she wants to go to her dads in these circumstances?

Ilikewinter · 13/12/2022 15:20

Oh dear whats goes around comes around!
I agree with PP, dont comment on it, make sure your kids know they can come home if they want to and if your 14 year old asks questions I'd try to answer them honestly but keep to facts, dont make it personal.

upfucked · 13/12/2022 15:22

I would tell your children that if they want to come home at anytime they just need to ring you.

cestlavielife · 13/12/2022 15:27

Your dd looks,after a bsby or the three year old? They have a,3 year old and a baby?
Not that it matters
Just listen to your dc
They old enough to decide not to visit or on different terms like outside the house short visits eith dad

Original poster
millymog11 · 13/12/2022 15:46

My eldest daughter who looks after her half sibling is 14.
Both children have said they do not want go to to their Dads but he guilt trips them.

I tell them they have to go because it is important for children to have contact with their father.

OP posts:
Original poster
millymog11 · 13/12/2022 15:48

My reference to "they baby" is to the 3 year old. There is only one child and that child is 3. Apologies if my talking about a "baby" is confusing, in my head 3 years old is like a baby (although obviously I know the difference between a newborn and a toddler etc)

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 13/12/2022 15:51

MadeForThis · 13/12/2022 15:15

Don't get involved. Reassure your kids that they are safe and loved. Ensure they know that can always phone you if they want to come home.

Don't comment on ex's relationship.

Excellent advice, be clear they can always talk to you about anything.

GloomyDarkness · 13/12/2022 15:54

Both children have said they do not want go to to their Dads but he guilt trips them.
I tell them they have to go because it is important for children to have contact with their father.

If as teenager s they don't want to go can't you support them in this as really in the situation you describe are they really getting important contact with their father or having to witness very upsetting events.

Smooshface · 13/12/2022 15:58

I mean this sounds quite traumatic for your kids, and your 14 year old is ending up babysitting? What about dad?

Child custody arrangements can take on board the wishes of the children - if they don't want to go then I'm not sure what good forcing them does, especially as it appears like they are bit parts in an Eastenders Christmas special.

I don't know enough of the law but long as you are not withholding contact i think you can fight for less contact if you think it is impacting the children negatively.

Dentalflossie · 13/12/2022 16:01

Don't make them go to theirs.
That couple's behaviour last time was totally unacceptable with children in the house. No consideration for them at all.

TheProblemIsMe · 13/12/2022 16:03

The thing about the 14 year old looking after the 3year old is reason enough to back away - wouldn't be happy with that at all.

panko · 13/12/2022 16:03

I'd send an email to your ex stating matter of fact - your child was upset due to an argument and you feel he should know.

Leave it at that. Anything else you say to him wi be seen as interfering.

panko · 13/12/2022 16:05

millymog11 · 13/12/2022 15:46

My eldest daughter who looks after her half sibling is 14.
Both children have said they do not want go to to their Dads but he guilt trips them.

I tell them they have to go because it is important for children to have contact with their father.

No

You need to protect them. Would they be happier trying meeting in public for dinner or something?

Original poster
millymog11 · 13/12/2022 16:07

My daughter said (her words exactly, I cringed as I heard them and cringe as I type them because I feel guilty as her mother) "I don't want [step sibling] to have to go through what I went through"
She is talking about when her dad left us.
She and my son have also been through quite a lot, massive wedding of their dad to their step mum (bridesmaid / page boy etc) and all the stuff since the birth of their sibling etc

OP posts:
Reugny · 13/12/2022 16:08

If your children are secondary age and decide they don't want to go one weekend, simply inform their dad that.

I suspect as they have bonded with their 3 year old half-sibling they will randomly want to go to see them.

Also ensure the eldest can always phone you, and if necessary go and pick them both up from their dads.

Your children are now old enough to choose if they want to see their dad at all and if they do how often they want to see him.

Original poster
millymog11 · 13/12/2022 16:09

Its difficult to know whether their step mum is indeed cheating or whether it is my ex H's paranoia. And even if she is cheating, given the age gap I am kind of hopeful my ex husband will just stick it out with her cheating anyway to avoid a second divorce and the instability for my kids.

OP posts:
panko · 13/12/2022 16:09

millymog11 · 13/12/2022 16:07

My daughter said (her words exactly, I cringed as I heard them and cringe as I type them because I feel guilty as her mother) "I don't want [step sibling] to have to go through what I went through"
She is talking about when her dad left us.
She and my son have also been through quite a lot, massive wedding of their dad to their step mum (bridesmaid / page boy etc) and all the stuff since the birth of their sibling etc

Yes but she's old enough to have a discussion about how sometimes relationships don't work and she can think about where her boundaries are in a relationship.

Reugny · 13/12/2022 16:10

millymog11 · 13/12/2022 16:09

Its difficult to know whether their step mum is indeed cheating or whether it is my ex H's paranoia. And even if she is cheating, given the age gap I am kind of hopeful my ex husband will just stick it out with her cheating anyway to avoid a second divorce and the instability for my kids.

This is none of your business.

Stay out of it as much as you can. If you need to say anything to your children say neutral stuff like that's how your dad is.

panko · 13/12/2022 16:10

millymog11 · 13/12/2022 16:09

Its difficult to know whether their step mum is indeed cheating or whether it is my ex H's paranoia. And even if she is cheating, given the age gap I am kind of hopeful my ex husband will just stick it out with her cheating anyway to avoid a second divorce and the instability for my kids.

"Stability" at what cost

Wronglane · 13/12/2022 16:11

Honestly beyond looking after your children it’s none of your business if he’s cheating or she’s cheating. It’s up to your children if they go there or not. Stay neutral, offer love and a save space that’s all you need to do

Reugny · 13/12/2022 16:12

panko · 13/12/2022 16:10

"Stability" at what cost

Show quote history

Agreed.

It is better if they split up.

Your children will mirror the relationships they see around them.

Oh and your ex will end up having to look after the 3 year old.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 13/12/2022 16:16

First of all he's reaped what he sowed. He either doesn't trust her because he knows how easy to cheat (because he did) and that she's perfectly willing to be an affair partner (because thats how they got together) or she is cheating (which considering isn't surprising).

You say you want them to stay together but honestly them being apart is better than them witnessing these rows and living in anxiety and fear at his house. Stop making them go if they don't want to. Especially at 14 they can decide that.

If he asks why, do tell him its because he scared and upset the kids last time screaming at eachother when he was accusing her of cheating on him. Recommend he takes them out for dinner just him for a bit to rebuild the confidence. The fact that you know will tell him just how much they overheard and understood. If he's a half decent father he will ensure that doesn't happen again.

Twentyfourlegs · 13/12/2022 16:16

@millymog11 Did you write some time ago about your daughter sharing a bedroom with the happy couple 🙄 whilst they had sex 🤮

What a prize your exDH is, and his lovely wife.
They must have been really loud to wake the 3 yo up.
Awful for all of the kids. Astonishingly selfish.
I think I would let the ex know that it was far from pleasant for your kids last weekend, that he should let things settle for a while (meaning when the children get used to not going they will be fine just not bothering permanently).
And after that, if they seem reluctant when he asks then he shouldn’t push it.

Awful that your daughter is now going to be worrying about her half sibling. With good reason.