Ex husband's new wife, trouble in paradise, my children

[millymog11]

Has anyone had this or similar situation and how did you handle it ref: your children with your ex husband?
Ex husband cheated on me with a work colleague 15 years his junior (and about 17 years my junior as I am a year or two older than him). This was about 8 years ago. When confronted he did not bother to admit or deny, nor enter into any conversation, he just said "I will move out". He moved out about 2 weeks later. Our kids were aged 4 and 5.
Fast forward 8 years, in the interim; very acrimonious divorce, he introduced our kids to this work colleague pretty promptly. Ex continued to see our kids. Ex romanced this colleague like I have never known, divorce basically cost us everything of the marriage of 15 years, once divorce done, he married this colleague, they live about 2 hours drive away near her mum.
They then had a child (even tho my ex told me quite regularly he did not like children and regretted having our two children). Their child is now about 3.
My kids see my ex husband, his new wife and their half sibling alternate weekends etc. My ex and I basically never communicate about anything. He tells me when he wants our kids (no negotiation) and that is the total of it.
So the reason for the post. I am not exactly sure what is going on as i literally only have hearsay from my kids, but they came back from the last weekend and said that they tried to watch the football on Saturday night but could not watch it and ended up giving up watching it because my ex husband and his new wife had the most almighty row which went on for "all of the evening" (according to my 14 year old). Door slamming, my ex locking himself in some bedroom alone for a while which his wife eventually got into to continue this discussion, lots of accusations by my ex husband to my children's step mum about her cheating.

My daughter said she tried to listen to it because she was scared the baby (the 3 year old would wake up and the baby did indeed wake up) would be disturbed and my daughter does a lot of the looking after of the baby for some reason. She said her step mum denied the cheating thing but started to get sarcastic. They have always said that she does a lot of stuff on her own without my ex husband (socialising etc) and is not very keen on looking after the baby.

Anyway ex husband acted like nothing had happened around my kids on Sunday morning. Both came home quite distressed sunday night and my daughter asked me about divorce. :(.
As I don't talk to my ex husband at all how should I support my kids in this? I really have no idea what is going to happen. Ex husband comes from a family where adultery and multiple concurrent and subsequent partners are normal so I am wondering (hoping) that he says with her even if she is cheating so my kids at least get the stability of that. Any advice much appreciated.

"it’s none of your business"

You are absolutely right about the above and if it was not for my children, I am fairly sure that very shortly after he left 8 years ago , he might as well not be on the planet as far as I am concerned.
However he does still have the two children I had with him fairly regularly so it is difficult for me to ignore their reaction to what happened as soon as they get home from his etc. In terms of collecting them from my ex husbands house, I cannot afford to run a car so I cannot go and collect them once they are there and it is too far public transport wise to go and meet them to bring them back to mine. He moved to be near her mum which is more than an hours drive away.

It absolutely IS your business when it involves emotionally abusing your children.

"Did you write some time ago about your daughter sharing a bedroom with the happy couple 🙄 whilst they had sex 🤮"

Relieved to say that was not me. If that did happen to my daughter she has never told me about it (and yes I do have close relationship with both of my kids)

You are a better person than me OP. I wouldn't be able to resist putting the boot in and letting him know that you know all about his screaming rows and potentially cheating missus. The word karma might be used!

Re the children, he needs to know that his and step mums behaviour was unacceptable and not to happen again, or you will not be allowing your children to stay there. And that he might like to think about the impact on his 3 year old!
I wouldn't make my dc go against their will, but would be led by them at their ages. And told that if this ever happens again they must phone you and you will collect them.

"I wouldn't be able to resist putting the boot in and letting him know that you know all about his screaming rows and potentially cheating missus"
I genuinely never ever want to have any communication with him ever again. He notifies me when he is going to have the children at his on an annual basis then he picks them up.

I don't want to talk to him as he totally stone walled me when he left and then was super aggressive during the divorce. Call me a coward if you like but if i never heard from him ever again that would be great.

I want peacefulness for my home and the three of us.

you are worrying way too much about your ex and his new wife and not about your kids. at 14 if they dont want to go then they dont have to. you are projecting your guilt about the divorce onto your children and thats not fair. stick to things that affect them directly. who cares if she has slept with half of watford its not your concern. your concern is to look after the welfare of your two children. you need to start listening to them and what they want and not force them into this situation any more.

mummymeister · Today 16:31 I think you over estimate my appetite to getting into conflict with my ex husband.
If my daughter said to me "I am not going to go to the front door when Dad comes to collect me" I will say "OK" but apart from that, I cannot see that it is my job to actively get involved here.

I cannot afford to run a car so I cannot go and collect them once they are there and it is too far public transport wise to go and meet them to bring them back to mine. He moved to be near her mum which is more than an hours drive away.

Make sure you have the funds so you can go if an emergency situation e.g. police involvement happens. One of my friends' had to travel across the country to pick up her children due to their dad and his wife fighting.

• don’t comment about your ex behaviour. You dint know the ins and outs.
• don’t hope for him to stay with her. I dint that your dcs witnessing that sort if row each time they see their dad is a good thing.
• talk to them bout the fact that a divorce doesn’t have to be like what they have experienced. When people behave like adults, you dont have the fights they’ve e been subjected to
• most importantly, teach them about manipulative behaviours. Teach them they don’t have to accept that, incl being guilt triped by their dad. Teach them to stand up for themselves
• id review the attitude of ‘it’s better for children to see their parents no matter what’. It might be better in some cases and not in others. I’d follow your dcs lead there.
• and keep listening. Your dcs clearly feel comfortable enough to come and see you. Talk about what’s going on. It’s great! Keep those lines open. They are empathic souls, caring for their sibling. It says a lot about them. But being empathic, they might be even more affected by what’s going on.

Indeed what goes around comes around. He cheated on you and it looks like she may have cheated on him. Be sure not to be his emotional support bag. He may come back to speak to you to sob but don't allow it.

But you said they've told you they don't want to go and you force them, so you have been actively involved but just not for their benefit.

They were distressed after the arguing but you still want them to go even though they have no way of getting home if they need to.

You can only eork on making yoour own house peaceful and stable

Best your ex splits up with his current wife

Ler your dc talk to you and zcknowledge their pain and concern
Suggest that they are not responsible forr dad or their sibling
Read how to talk so teens will listen

"and you force them"
I do not "force" them.

Do you think I "forced" them to go when their Dad left when they were 4 and 5? No, I did what is accepted practice namely I agreed to what he was telling me about when he would see them/have them.

If they physically refuse to go to the front door when he arrives to pick them up of course i am not going to make them leave the house and go with him.
i knew someone would decide it is my fault...

It's your job to raise you daughter to be assertive and to have the confidence to say no to a man who guilts her into complying with his demands. You say you know she doesn't want to go, so teach her how to say no and stick to it.

If your children are saying they don't want to go there I would be facilitating that irrespective of your ex-husband's marriage issues. They are old enough to decide for themselves and no court would force them.

My daughter was very aggressively verbally abused and intimidated by my ex-husband's girlfriend, now wife, when she went to stay around age fourteen. I got a very distressed call from my daughter to pick her up and from that point forward I told her she didn't need to go anymore if she didn't want to.

She's had no relationship with her dad from that point. She wasn't invited to his wedding, ignored her birthdays, graduation etc for last ten odd years now.

His subsequent narrative was that I stopped her seeing him ie he is the victim. I suspect that's what you're fearful of here.

I put my ex-husband straight on that nonsense:

His girlfriend was abusive and needed to apologise to our daughter. She never has. I think she was actually pleased to get rid of the visits.

He stood behind his girlfriend when she unleashed her wrath and did nothing to intervene.

Neither of them have made any moves to rectify the situation. It's better for him to blame me than face up to his emotional and physical neglect of our daughter and his ideal would have been to pretend it didn't happen and carry on regardless.

I felt it was my duty to listen to our daughter and respect her wishes.

I tell them they have to go because it is important for children to have contact with their father.
Why does your ex call all the shots? Just text/e-mail him or whatever and say "DC don't want to come this week, they could see you on X weekend". They can still have a relationship with him but if it's upsetting at the moment give them a break.

Why would you not just text back next time he informs you when he's having them and say 'they don't want to go.' you don't have to engage in conversation, you don't owe him anything. But I'd rather send a text than have him turn up at your front door and guilt the children into going and making some huge scene.

Why are you telling them they have to go if they don't want to? Your job is to advocate for them not put them in a position where they are unpaid babysitters and watching massive fights

I would say to them you are old enough to decide if you don't want to go, if you don't I will support you. Then you would need to email him in advance and say John and Jane have said they don't want to come to your house this weekend. I don't really want to get involved, but I'm not forcing them.
They shouldn't feel obliged to go into an environment that's not healthy for them. Their dismissive attitude , we couldn't hear the football implies this might not be the first time. Ask them.

Apologies, you told them they have to go, I didn't mean you physically force them out the door.

You're not to blame for this situation, my confusion is over you saying it's not your job to be actively involved but you HAVE been actively involved. They are old enough to decide themselves and, particularly after what has just happened, you should be supporting their decision.

"His girlfriend was abusive and needed to apologise to our daughter."
In my situation the step mother does things like takes my daughter to little mix concerts (which my daughter enjoys and i am glad about, I don't have the time or money to do that for her) whilst my ex husband looks after the baby.

"Why would you not just text back next time he informs you when he's having them and say 'they don't want to go.'"

Because he will immediately and aggressively accuse me of manipulating them and withholding our children from him. He has done it before many times.
I do want my daughter to stand up for herself, but i am not going to do that for her. As ex H has a court order entitling him to see the kids (and the money and inclination to contest it) I can only see it turning out in a situation where the children themselves tell him they are not coming. I don't see why, 8 years after he himself left, I still am obliged to get into very aggressive arguments about this.

I agreed to what he was telling me about when he would see them/have them.

IT is not for him to tell you what he wants and you go along with it. When they were younger of course it was in their best interests to have a steady pattern (even if it was dictated by him), they are not 4 and 5 anymore and deserve their voices to be heard. A court would not make them go if they didn't want to at that age.

"A court would not make them go if they didn't want to at that age."

But a court will not listen to my children aged 12 and 14 without me also being at court will it?

Yes, he can take you to court but they will have a say. When they get asked why they don't want to go and your 14yo says they scream at eachother and she's forced to care for their 3yo all its going to get them is a social services referral. His lawyer should tell him he has no case with kids that age though so shouldn't get as far as court.

Sorry, I did feel sorry for you but you are coming across as extremely selfish.

You're not going to stand up for your CHILD for her? YOU don't want him to accuse you of anything because YOU don't want an argument? (You don't need to argue, just ignore). YOU don't want to go to court.

Just you do whatever is best for you, never mind the children (oh, and your daughter won't learn to stand up for herself because you have been teaching her her whole life to do the opposite).