Ex husband's new wife, trouble in paradise, my children

[millymog11]

Has anyone had this or similar situation and how did you handle it ref: your children with your ex husband?
Ex husband cheated on me with a work colleague 15 years his junior (and about 17 years my junior as I am a year or two older than him). This was about 8 years ago. When confronted he did not bother to admit or deny, nor enter into any conversation, he just said "I will move out". He moved out about 2 weeks later. Our kids were aged 4 and 5.
Fast forward 8 years, in the interim; very acrimonious divorce, he introduced our kids to this work colleague pretty promptly. Ex continued to see our kids. Ex romanced this colleague like I have never known, divorce basically cost us everything of the marriage of 15 years, once divorce done, he married this colleague, they live about 2 hours drive away near her mum.
They then had a child (even tho my ex told me quite regularly he did not like children and regretted having our two children). Their child is now about 3.
My kids see my ex husband, his new wife and their half sibling alternate weekends etc. My ex and I basically never communicate about anything. He tells me when he wants our kids (no negotiation) and that is the total of it.
So the reason for the post. I am not exactly sure what is going on as i literally only have hearsay from my kids, but they came back from the last weekend and said that they tried to watch the football on Saturday night but could not watch it and ended up giving up watching it because my ex husband and his new wife had the most almighty row which went on for "all of the evening" (according to my 14 year old). Door slamming, my ex locking himself in some bedroom alone for a while which his wife eventually got into to continue this discussion, lots of accusations by my ex husband to my children's step mum about her cheating.

My daughter said she tried to listen to it because she was scared the baby (the 3 year old would wake up and the baby did indeed wake up) would be disturbed and my daughter does a lot of the looking after of the baby for some reason. She said her step mum denied the cheating thing but started to get sarcastic. They have always said that she does a lot of stuff on her own without my ex husband (socialising etc) and is not very keen on looking after the baby.

Anyway ex husband acted like nothing had happened around my kids on Sunday morning. Both came home quite distressed sunday night and my daughter asked me about divorce. :(.
As I don't talk to my ex husband at all how should I support my kids in this? I really have no idea what is going to happen. Ex husband comes from a family where adultery and multiple concurrent and subsequent partners are normal so I am wondering (hoping) that he says with her even if she is cheating so my kids at least get the stability of that. Any advice much appreciated.

I don’t understand all the fuss

married couple had an almighty row in front of the kids - not a big deal - and as it was related to cheating he couldn’t keep it in check. Clearly not a regular occurrence

court order? Fighting so hard at the lawyers you both got nothing

divorce doesn’t traumatise children it’s how their parents handle it that causes trauma

do nothing and say nothing

and re the cheating well you do lose them how you got them so neither should be surprised if one of them cheats!!!

Also he sounds like a bull so you really have to pick your battles with this type of person and imo this isn’t the bridge to die on

Let your children decide if they would like to go again for contact but do not force them. If he wants to pursue it, see him in family court. At the ages your children are now, they will not be made to go.

I understand you wanting your DD to stand up for herself, but at 14 this is not the situation she needs to start 'standing alone' with. Her father is a bully and it would be very hard for her to stand against him.

This is where you, as her mother, put your neck on the line and say "DD has said that she will not be coming to your house this weekend. I am relaying her message to you but will not engage with you on this matter".

I don't see why, 8 years after he himself left, I still am obliged to get into very aggressive arguments about this.

Because she is your daughter. I would argue with the devil himself if I had to in order to save my child from fear or manipulation.

But as far as being 'obliged', why don't you just hang up the phone or block his number? If he shows up at your door, call the police and have him removed.

I absolutely hate when people argue in front of children but sometimes it cannot be helped.

I would just explain to your DD that some couples argue and sometimes friends etc will argue too.
It doesn’t always mean that they are going to separate.

I would also explain why divorce isn’t a bad thing and that it’s ok to decide that you don’t want to be with someone anymore.

It sounds like you and your ex didn’t do a very good job at protecting your DD from the impact of your separation/divorce.

I wonder if she has some trauma from you arguing and that is why she is so distressed and worried about the baby.

This is something that obviously massively affected her and I would be working on trying to build a civil relationship with your ex to try and heal your DDs issues.

divorce doesn’t traumatise children it’s how their parents handle it that causes trauma

Absolutely this!!!

@millymog11 , I get what you are saying but the point I was trying to make is that it is up to YOU to facilitate your children's wishes. If you're not able to stand up to him, how do you expect them to?

My ex-husband was a manipulative bully and tried to blame me for our daughter not wanting to go there. My boundary was to state very clearly in an email that no it's not me it's his problem. No blaming, no arguments, just cold hard facts.

He may get aggressive, he may make threats but you can say to him (,in writing probably better) that X and Y don't want to stay this weekend because they're both upset about the row they witnessed at his house. He may dispute it but your children don't have to tolerate this toxic environment. My ex-husband tried to tell me our daughter was lying! The hysterical upset child I collected said otherwise.

I can feel your fear of your ex-husband in the way you write and I know how that feels like but until you stand up to him he will continue to rail road you. Do you have anyone that can support you in this? Perhaps be there if he turns up bolshy and aggressive? Sit with you while you email or phone him?

I have a very similar situation with my exH and our DC. He moved hours away, remarried, had a baby with his new wife, they rowed regularly and split up 2 years ago.

Both DC had counselling to help them articulate and deal with their feelings about it all. They had seen all these rows and then lost a significant adult and their half-sibling from their lives.

Looking back, I regret making them go. Their dad never cared about their feelings or protected them from his toxic home life. I stepped in last year after a litany of poor parenting events and put a stop to overnight contact. Their lives have improved a lot for it.

Put them first as individuals, not their dad or them as his daughters.

"oh, and your daughter won't learn to stand up for herself because you have been teaching her her whole life to do the opposite)."

Nope.
My guess is that eventually both of my children will say they never want to see their father again. But I am not going to encourage that, I am going to let them come to that conclusion themselves in their own time (if they do).

They have a peaceful loving home with me, they know exactly what the score is at our home, it is just the 3 of us, my entire life is dedicated to being their mum. But I will not get into more court battles, my ex has endless time, money, inclination and resources to do that. I am not going to stop my children going to his when he wants them. I am not going to encourage them to go. I am not going to stop them if they refuse to go. I am not going to actively go to court (cannot afford it, \UK courts love kids to see their fathers so how stressful will the court process be for the kids and me?.

I cannot see how I have done anything wrong frankly.

"If you're not able to stand up to him"
I am doing what all adults in the UK are entitled to do when they have a toxic relationship with someone namely have no contact with them.

Text him and say ‘ The children are very uncomfortable at yours at the moment and have asked not to go at the moment. Annie has said she is not happy with the endless rowing between you and Emma and they are being dragged into the verbal assaults between you both and horrendous accusations of cheating etc The children being witness to this is child abused as it comes under domestic violence and it is simply not appropriate. They also have worried about the younger sibling being exposed to shouting, verbal abuse and door slamming between you too. As and when you sort this situation out - our children do not and will not be involved. You can contact me for a meeting about how we can move forward. I will put our children first. So must you. The children will not be seeing you until I am happy that it is in their best interests. ‘

You asked for advice about how to support your children in this situation 😕

And please to the poster telling a 14 year old child to stand up for themselves and victim blaming her - no she needs her mother to deal with this - she is a child!

You're missing the point a bit here OP.

They are not little kids anymore. Listen to pps who have advised re the difference in court treatment for age 12&14 vs 5!

Ex can drag you to court all he wants, it's totally different now due to DC ages.

I think you've been fighting so long in the trenches you can't really believe it could be any different. In less than 2y DD will be 16 and have even more legal power than she does now.

Look ahead to the future and dare to dream it could be better for them.

"no she needs her mother to deal with this - she is a child"

Err her mother to "deal" with high conflict situations exclusively between her father and his new wife more than an hours drive away (all engineered by her father and nothing to do with me?)

I have zero control over any of the above you do realise? I have zero control over the babysitting she has to do, I have zero control over her wanting to evesdrop her dad to second guess what is going to happen next, I have zero control over her hearing adult themed arguments when she goes to her Dads I have zero control if her Dad divorces his wife.
I am subject to a court order saying my kids have to see their Dad which I am abiding by. I have no money to go to court. If I win the lottery and do decide to go to court my ex husband will fight it with everything he has and the UK courts will probably say they need to see their Dad.

What I do have control over is what it is like for my kids at home, which is peaceful, predictable, just the three of us, their own space and their own bedrooms the way they like it. I have done what I am supposed to do accordingly to the UK family courts.

Be there, as you are doing, for your children. Let their father and stepmother sort their own problems out. Adults have arguments, bad ones, a lot of the time. Your lovely DC will always be their for their half sister, so support them with that.

I Agree with everything this poster has said.

You can't refuse to have any contact with him if your children need you to advocate on their behalf - you can't just leave them to it!
Having a paper trail is handy if you ever did end up back in court. You really should email him or text and say they were upset by the arguing and you won't be allowing them to visit unless he and his wife behave themselves in front of your children. You sound scared of him but you really can't just leave your children to it!

Your poor kids and that poor 3 year old.

If it's affecting your kids you should intervene. Not in the relationship with his wife per se, more so backing up your kids wishes if they don't want to go to his.
They're coming home traumatised and upset, you should just be clear that that's how they're feeling and if they feel like they don't want to go then youre not going to make them if this is the result.

Good luck

"You really should email him or text and say they were upset by the arguing and you won't be allowing them to visit unless he and his wife behave themselves in front of your children"

My daughter said they were both upstairs. Started off with all of them watching the football downstairs. ExH wife decided to take herself upstairs to do who knows what, ExH followed her upstairs, row which my children could hear from downstairs commenced including locking into rooms, banging on doors etc.

Daughter eves dropped because she was anxious about (i) the baby (ii) the situation. She told me (I do not ask them anything about their w/e when they come back, but she just came out with it) there was a lot of shouting and talking about cheating and step mum was denying and then being sarcastic.
On sunday morning ExH did not mention it to either of my children. Apparently step mother took my two children to a large shopping centre on sunday and ExH looked after the baby. On saturday apparently she was out most of the day at the hairdressers so no idea what brought this on. This does not surprise me at all it is exactly the kind of thing he did with me.
If I text him what PP says above he will deny it and say I am making trouble.

I really think my daughter needs to make the choice herself. She seems to be doing a lot of potty training type stuff when she is there as the baby is going through that but she seems a bit confused about when to put him on the potty and when to take him off etc and my ExH does not have the patience for it and Ive no idea what step mother thinks of potty training (apart from that she has bought the pottys etc and promises the baby toys if he doesn't have any accidents.

@millymog11 having been in a similar situation, I do think you need to help your daughter process how she feels about what she witnessed. When my daughter came home with a similar story, I explained to her that adults argue, and to a large extent this is normal. People have to work through conflict / disagreements and it is natural for her to find it upsetting to listen to. It sounded to me like these arguments reminded her of her parents divorce and all the very painful feelings around that. We talked about how it felt, the thoughts she was having etc. I reassured her it was normal to find these situations upsetting. That it does not necessarily mean divorce, but sometimes issues are unresolvable and that is ok too. She needed to hear it was not the end of the world if her dad and SM argued and indeed it would not be the end of the world if they divorced. If you can have this discussion with your daughter, neutrally - not bashing your ex or his wife - and letting her do most of the talking with you validating how she feels - it can be a good way to help. Helping her decide how to communicate to her father how his behaviour made her feel being the ultimate goal. HE needs to deal with that NOT you.

Commenting on the state of your ex's marriage, speculating as to what issues they may or may not have, or indeed getting involved / speaking to your ex is not helpful and will only add to your daughter's distress and escalate the situation.

In terms of any reluctance to attend contact, I agree, it is not helpful to encourage this. Personally, I would not suggest not going but equally I would not insist on their attendance. They are of an age to decide, but it must be their decision, led by them and not you. Anything else, is doing a disserve to the child unless it is a safeguarding issue ( which an argument is not!).

Well it's time to start communicating with your ex isn't it! Tell him the kids are not going to his home because of the last visit. End of.
You have to think of what's more important here, your kids rights to a happy, normal life, or you ex's right to see his kids. He needs to get his life in order. Stand up for your kids and give them the power to stand up for themselves and not be emotionally manipulated into situations where they are uncomfortable.

On the bright side, your kids step mum seems to like them and enjoys spending time with them, which is a good thing. Even if your ex is a total nob! And although your dd is taking on more than she should with her baby sister, at least it's only eow.

Is this a wind up?

Your 14 year old is potty training a 3 year year because the father doesn't have the patience.
The kids are sat listening to them screaming and shouting at each other.
And you seem to think you don't need to do anything, because it's their choice.

You need to contact your ex, email him if you have to. Explain you're aware of the situation, that your children should not be sat worried about the baby waking up while he has a screaming match with his wife. Make it clear if it happens again you'll be collecting your children and they won't be returning.

Your 14 year old daughter is taking in all this responsibility. You need to step up and protxt your children.

Do nothing
say nothing

but make sure Your kids have agency to call you and come home if necessary