Ex husband's new wife, trouble in paradise, my children

[millymog11]

Has anyone had this or similar situation and how did you handle it ref: your children with your ex husband?
Ex husband cheated on me with a work colleague 15 years his junior (and about 17 years my junior as I am a year or two older than him). This was about 8 years ago. When confronted he did not bother to admit or deny, nor enter into any conversation, he just said "I will move out". He moved out about 2 weeks later. Our kids were aged 4 and 5.
Fast forward 8 years, in the interim; very acrimonious divorce, he introduced our kids to this work colleague pretty promptly. Ex continued to see our kids. Ex romanced this colleague like I have never known, divorce basically cost us everything of the marriage of 15 years, once divorce done, he married this colleague, they live about 2 hours drive away near her mum.
They then had a child (even tho my ex told me quite regularly he did not like children and regretted having our two children). Their child is now about 3.
My kids see my ex husband, his new wife and their half sibling alternate weekends etc. My ex and I basically never communicate about anything. He tells me when he wants our kids (no negotiation) and that is the total of it.
So the reason for the post. I am not exactly sure what is going on as i literally only have hearsay from my kids, but they came back from the last weekend and said that they tried to watch the football on Saturday night but could not watch it and ended up giving up watching it because my ex husband and his new wife had the most almighty row which went on for "all of the evening" (according to my 14 year old). Door slamming, my ex locking himself in some bedroom alone for a while which his wife eventually got into to continue this discussion, lots of accusations by my ex husband to my children's step mum about her cheating.

My daughter said she tried to listen to it because she was scared the baby (the 3 year old would wake up and the baby did indeed wake up) would be disturbed and my daughter does a lot of the looking after of the baby for some reason. She said her step mum denied the cheating thing but started to get sarcastic. They have always said that she does a lot of stuff on her own without my ex husband (socialising etc) and is not very keen on looking after the baby.

Anyway ex husband acted like nothing had happened around my kids on Sunday morning. Both came home quite distressed sunday night and my daughter asked me about divorce. :(.
As I don't talk to my ex husband at all how should I support my kids in this? I really have no idea what is going to happen. Ex husband comes from a family where adultery and multiple concurrent and subsequent partners are normal so I am wondering (hoping) that he says with her even if she is cheating so my kids at least get the stability of that. Any advice much appreciated.

You keep going on about cheating and that he left you. Not the issue. They've said they don't want to go and one minute you're saying you tell them they have to because it's their Dad and he'll say something to you (don't care when he says something to your them though), then it's because it's court ordered, then you tell them they don't have to but they need to email? You want them to experience all the bad things about your ex so you can be smug and say it's nothing to do with you and they found out themselves?

You are awful and your children are going to end up needing therapy because of you both. I read a lot of things on here but I'm genuinely disgusted with this.

I don't know where you got the idea that any UK court is going to force a 14 year old into staying overnight/ maintaining contact with a parent they don't want to spend time with. That isn't how it works.
You owe it to your kids to explain that the current set-up was the result of a court order made many years ago, but that now they're older, those arrangements can easily be legally altered, based on their wishes. And find out what they want. And then facilitate that.

Perhaps they'd like to still have some contact with your ex, but not have to go and stay (as unpaid childminders) in his house for a whole weekend at a time? Couldn't he come and pick them up for a day out nearer to where you live? Why do they have to go all the way to his home? (which is so far away that they know they can't ask you to come and collect them however scary it gets)

I think at 14 it is harmful to force contact if it is unwanted. That age is old enough to make decisions for herself regarding her relationships. If going to her dads is always a toxic atmosphere, she isn't developing a good relationship with him anyway because of the constant drama between him and his wife.

I'd not be telling her she has to go if she says she doesn't want to, she could end up resenting you. I think you need to be supportive of her feelings. Can't see why their dad can't spend time with them out of the house and away from the wife, if the visits are actually about maintaining contact and the kids best interests.

I may be alone in this, but I think you're abdicating your parental responsibility. What child is going to voluntarily defy a father like theirs? Subject themselves to abuse and coercion? It would take a braver child than I was at that age!

You say you don't want to 'deal with him' (or words to that effect) because he's no obnoxious/angry and that your children 'need to learn what he is' (or words to that effect) and 'stick up for themselves'. Well, it's pretty obvious that they already know what he is and that is why DD doesn't want to tell him she doesn't want to visit. I don't know what more you expect them to learn about him. It is your place, as her mother, to 'take the heat' for her if that is what she wants. If she was 24 I could see you backing away and saying it was her problem. But she is 14, she needs you to take her part. It's as simple as that.

It's not enough to just talk the talk, saying "If you don't want to go you don't have to" when you aren't 'walking the walk' by telling her "I will tell your dad if you don't want to be the one to do it". I don't know why you don't get this. You can dress it up in fancy words like 'independence' and 'stick up for herself' all you want. Personally, I think you're a coward.

Everything that acrossthepond said.

Can they not just be very busy for the next few weeks?

No that isn't enough.

A couple of friends of mine, whose children's other parent isn't a complete arse, advised that secondary aged children should be able to say they don't want to go to both parents and both parents respect their wishes without interrogating them.

The OP is ignoring if her ex took her to Court for enforcement as long as her secondary aged children are happy to say to the Court "I didn't want to go that weekend" then they wouldn't be forced to.

Your dd should not be potty training your ex's child. She should be free to enjoy her weekends without this responsibility. I have been on the receiving end of someone who used the court system to harrass and bully me as a grandparent carer.

Your dd is 14. She only has until 16 to attend under a court order and then she is free to choose. Like you I avoided upsetting the apple cart for fear of more court hearings but my grandson told me his last two years of miserable, enforced contact were just that, bloody miserable. He said the whole enforced contact scenario marred his childhood and he felt he was forced to spend his time with (his words) randoms. By this he meant his dad dumped him on his paternal grandparents whom he grew to loathe.

I think you need to step up for your dd op. Your ex is a bully and by the sound of things he could be going through more court hearings/contact etc but for a second time which may take the heat out of your situation.