Very Dangerous N Mother --- I need your advice and support please. (I'm scared)

[cassiatwenty]

Dear All, I wrote about this already two months ago, and you were very helpful and supportive when I had nobody.

I suppose I need MN forces to come to rescue yet again? Is that ok?

I went NC with my N mother. However, a few things happened whilst living alone (panic and anxiety attacks) and then I had to see someone in person, and yes, it was her.

I feel so lost right now. On paper, I have family, but in my heart I know that I can only trust myself and protect myself from this fiend, because it will attack me sooner or later.

She's been physically and verbally abusing me since I was 5, and she even stabbed me with a knife (knee) and slammed my head against the wall when her lover left her.

As I'm a young woman now and she's an older woman now, physical abuse doesn't happen anymore, even though she still denies it.

However, she's just verbally abusive and unsupportive. Every time I come to her for love, she makes it like I'm the one to be blamed (you always wanted to be special, that's why you were harassed by your landlord), and other awful things like that.

She keeps going to see some shoddy psychologist and saying tosh like 'I feel so sad that my daughter has a disease that makes her say such untrue things about me', and then keeps abusing me behind closed doors.

She has ruined friendships of mine, called friends I no longer spoke with, and even went out with guys(????) I fancied to 'warn' them about me.

There is this idea where she wants me to move in with her upcoming January, but this idea horrifies me. Every time I say 'no' tactfully or if I'm upfront, she just keeps scheming.

The thing is, I'm worried she will pressure me into depression/suicide, and just completely ruin little life and hope I have left.

I feel like a child.

Could you kindly give me advices, strategies or words of support on how to defend myself against her? Where or to whom do I go to when I'm NC, and I have a panic attack? How do I meet safe people?

How do I protect myself from here in time now when she hasn't hurt me and coerced me into living with her? How can I help myself and stop this cycle once and for all, or at least, turn the tables on this horrid predator who has made hell most of my life?

Dear MN, you all have experiences and strategies and words that I don't have, and I'm so afraid.

Could you please help me? It doesn't have to be big, just I need to talk to good people right now.

Hi @cassiatwenty

Sorry you're having a hard time.

There's nothing quite like a good box set at times like this - could you let us know which streaming sites you have (Netflix, prime etc) and what kind of shows you like and I bet they we can share some great ideas with you.

You poor thing. Detectorist’s on BBC is fantastic. Gentle and sweet and a lovely watch. Like a warm hug.

Yeah what kind of things do you like? What do you have access to?

Sending hugs

I don't have any advice about the situation with your family. However, when I'm stressed I go to Mumsnet classics.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics

My absolute favourite is the one where the fridge got religion, but the one about the dog eating a kilo of sugar is pretty good as well, but don't read if you have an iffy stomach.

Other things that have kept me going at bad times are counted cross stitch (because you get so caught up in counting that it takes up a lot of space so you don't think so much about the troubles around you), writing it all down, whatever comes to you, with pen and paper just to get stuff out of your head and the free courses with Future Learn.

I hope that things get better for you soon.

I just binge watched The Traitors on the BBC iplayer. It's good escapism!

There are a load of jokey type quizzes on Sporcle. It's free but the ads are annoying
www.sporcle.com/games/alinrotundu/job-puns

I've been going on there for years and I've found it a good distraction when I need short bursts. I don't get so involved in the community, but they seem a nice bunch there.

I've dealt with some similar stuff to you OP. Sending hugs. For distraction I find playing trivia quizzes really helpful (SongPop is a good one for me - doesn't take much brainpower but it's enough to keep my mind busy), or Mortimer and Whitehouse Gone Fishing is a really lovely series - warm and friendly. Cunk on Earth and Cunk on Britain are very funny, I've really enjoyed those recently!

Thank you everyone, what I like best is chatting with you and hearing what you all enjoy 💞

Personally, I enjoyed SE2 Clique BBC Player and ITV's Love Island (I know I know 😅) and Cleaning It Up it was fun but not too much

How are you all doing? Sending you hugs xxx

Not a drama series, but why not give "The Repair Shop" a try? It began on BBC, but its popularity has led to repeats popping up on many other channels!
A groups of skilled specialists work on restoring family "treasures" and the audience learn why the objects are so valued by their owners.
It will give you a reassuring insight into the decency and kindness of the majority of people, and it is absorbing to see expert craftsmen putting their skills to use.

Hi Cassia,

Want a funny about ridiculous relatives?
DM shoved her phone in my face so I could watch a funny video... while I was driving on the motorway in heavy traffic and rain/fog. Apparently I was going slowly so she thought it would be ok...

MiL is trying to get FiL diagnosed with dementia because 'he just sits there, not saying anything, and he sleeps a lot'! Poor guy just wants some peace!

And some rude cat slippers!

Hi, so good to hear from you 😊 It's been a bit challenging lately, but it's good to chat with you here a bit, thank you for checking in.

@twoshedsjackson Yes, many thanks, I like the idea and how you've described it. I find tinkering around calming in some strange way, and I like how you mention reassuring insight into the decency and kindness of the majority of people. I literally just wrote down your recommendation in my notebook.

I do @picklemewalnuts ! Ok that just made me chuckle. Good to have you with us safe and sound. I hope the video was worth it lol. Yes, of course he just needs some peace. I like your cat slippers, mugs and your carpet, it looks nice and cozy

I'll respond to others, as well, I just need to log off in a few minutes for today xxx

Many thanks for your kind messages @monsteramunch , @almondfinger @CousinKrispy and @gottastopeatingchocolate , I manage to get myself out and spend some time in nature so that helps a bit, and then I get to chat with you all a bit 🙂

Thank you for your suggestion @bordhoose , And sending you hugs as well. I wrote it down, and I will take a look 🙂

I like FL @nomdegrrr1 and thanks so much for writing me a nice message. Actually I looked into cross-stitching myself, so that's a good tip. I want to read the one about the dog eating a kilo of sugar now (omg), there's a lot there many thanks again 🙂

How have you been doing @HedgehogB, how are you holding up?

This. I hope you didn’t follow their ‘advice’. My SIL was the flying monkey for my MIL. Bullying and abusing my husband and me. We went NC for a long time despite the monkey activity …. Now we ‘grey rock’ the behaviour and it’s improved a bit. Your uncle is a product of the same upbringing - you can’t follow his advice. Happy new year and much love x

Hey @HHedgehogB, I'm glad to hear from you, and I hope you've doing well. I wish you all the best for 2023. Thank you for writing back x

Well, I built a life of sorts outside of my family. I keep myself occupied, I surround myself with decent people, and I forge plans for my future.

I'm not entirely sure everything is solved yet, however it's 67 % better since my 1st MN post.

I really enjoy getting to know you all, and that has tremendously helped.

Do let me know if you're in need of help, and I'll respond. These small things help and do make me happy. Thank you

Sorry for typing your nickname wrong, I meant @HedgehogB

I second speaking to NAPAC on the phone. Also, if your GP knows you have been experiencing a lifetime of abuse and need support, he/she is likely to refer you to psychological services for support.

You just need to go no contact. Being alone will always be better than being abused.

I'm glad to hear things are much better for you, Cassia. They will also get easier with time! There will always be moments when you wonder and worry, but those moments get further apart as time goes on.

Thank you for thinking of me, @DontStopMeNow7
Luckily with MN's support, I am very pleased with my GP so that's something I didn't have before posting on here xx All thanks to MN 💞

Thank you for remembering me @picklemewalnuts
How have you been doing? How has 2023 started for you? Did you get any new rude cat slippers?

That bit about your DM shoving her phone in your face because she thought you were going slowly, so no harm, that made me laugh a bit xx

Things are fairly calm here- no more rude slippers!
DM is behaving ok at the moment. She's not bad as long as things are running smoothly. It's when there are problems that all hell breaks loose.

I'm a bit conflicted- the Christmas chocolate has run out, which is a good thing as I put on loads of weight, but stil... the Christmas chocolate has run out!