Very Dangerous N Mother --- I need your advice and support please. (I'm scared)

[cassiatwenty]

Dear All, I wrote about this already two months ago, and you were very helpful and supportive when I had nobody.

I suppose I need MN forces to come to rescue yet again? Is that ok?

I went NC with my N mother. However, a few things happened whilst living alone (panic and anxiety attacks) and then I had to see someone in person, and yes, it was her.

I feel so lost right now. On paper, I have family, but in my heart I know that I can only trust myself and protect myself from this fiend, because it will attack me sooner or later.

She's been physically and verbally abusing me since I was 5, and she even stabbed me with a knife (knee) and slammed my head against the wall when her lover left her.

As I'm a young woman now and she's an older woman now, physical abuse doesn't happen anymore, even though she still denies it.

However, she's just verbally abusive and unsupportive. Every time I come to her for love, she makes it like I'm the one to be blamed (you always wanted to be special, that's why you were harassed by your landlord), and other awful things like that.

She keeps going to see some shoddy psychologist and saying tosh like 'I feel so sad that my daughter has a disease that makes her say such untrue things about me', and then keeps abusing me behind closed doors.

She has ruined friendships of mine, called friends I no longer spoke with, and even went out with guys(????) I fancied to 'warn' them about me.

There is this idea where she wants me to move in with her upcoming January, but this idea horrifies me. Every time I say 'no' tactfully or if I'm upfront, she just keeps scheming.

The thing is, I'm worried she will pressure me into depression/suicide, and just completely ruin little life and hope I have left.

I feel like a child.

Could you kindly give me advices, strategies or words of support on how to defend myself against her? Where or to whom do I go to when I'm NC, and I have a panic attack? How do I meet safe people?

How do I protect myself from here in time now when she hasn't hurt me and coerced me into living with her? How can I help myself and stop this cycle once and for all, or at least, turn the tables on this horrid predator who has made hell most of my life?

Dear MN, you all have experiences and strategies and words that I don't have, and I'm so afraid.

Could you please help me? It doesn't have to be big, just I need to talk to good people right now.

Hey @20questions , I had no idea about the term but it makes sense of course. Ah, the Wizard of Oz? Why can't there be a Beatrix Potter book in my life? 😂 Thank you for your support this early.

How do I deal with it? What do I do now? Advice please?

Just took a hot shower, and trying to sleep just a little bit. I love migraines.

Hey @HedgehogB no worries for the typo, I do it all the time. The police have been surprisingly kind and understanding.

How have you been doing? How were your holidays? Much love to you as well, it made me happy to see you check in.

Hey @picklemewalnuts thanks so much!

Aunt's dog was/is very sweet. Likes to play the tug of war and has lots of toys and treats.

The church was lovely, candles, the sense of community, knowing they are safe and decent people, I always feel recharged after.

How have you been doing lately? Any NYE plans? I hope you got some rest too xx😊

Please please please ignore your uncle. He does not have your best interests at heart. You may need to detach from your aunt and uncle for a bit, while you establish your new life.
Have you looked into getting help from Womens Aid?

Thank you @Pumpupthejampumpitup and I think so, as well. Yes I did, and I got help. Finding a new flat is something I have to do on my own. So tired...

How have you been doing? I hope your Xmas was nice, and that you got some rest xxx

Thank you @Ban A bit of a challenge lately but I had some nice moments, too in these last few months.

Thanks for checking in, how have you been doing today or recently? Let me know how things are on your end if you have the time xx

I'm tired too!
I'd ring your aunt, say you won't be going back to your mum.
Say (if I've remembered correctly and it's true!)-
That women's aid and the police advise you that you are safer away from your mum.
Ask whether uncle means he doesn't want you to come over any more.

I'd be a bit careful, if he's like that he might invite her over at the same time as you to try and 'help solve the problem'.

Can you stay friends with his wife, but only meet her out and about?

Oh @cassiatwenty I am so sad reading this.

Firstly I think your relationship with uncle and aunt could become as difficult as the one with NM. They clearly don't understand. As sad as it is you may need to distance from them too. Whatever you do, please don't move back in with NM.

Where in the country are you? Is it going to be easy to get a flat share, perhaps living with others or lodging with someone might help and you will have company if you want it.

Do you work? Can you confide in your manager and see if there is any support at work?

I'm glad MN has made you feel less alone xx

Does your uncle and aunt know how you are feeling and what your mother has done to you in the past ? If not, I’d ask if you could go around to theirs to discuss moving forward. Then tell them both the full scale truth and watch his reaction. See if he still thinks if it’s a good idea for you to move back in with your mother knowing what she’s done and how you feel . I’d tell them the lot . That way you know that they are clear on your situation . It gives them chance to reflect and have compassion for you if they feel any . It will show you their true colours . If they don’t support/ care / or consider you , then you need to walk away from them too . Stay strong lovely lady . And know your worth .

He strongly suggests that I should apologise (?) to mother as she is his sister

My uncle did this, too. I disliked him after that, though I could understand his loyalty.

If you think its going to put you under too much pressure, you have two options.

1. Don't go at all, citing covid symptoms or similar.
2. Speak to your Aunt in advance about the fact you don't want the subject of your mum to come up at all and can she ask her husband to avoid the subject.

Good luck. x

What's an N mother?

Narc

Hey @TenzingNorgay , thanks for understanding me. I will do this right now, sorry for my short reply, lacking energy right now.

@TenzingNorgay done, message sent, thank you for helping me figure out how to proceed. I wanted to do something like this just didn't have proper clarity

💞Thank you

Oh wow, aunt responded. Not short either. My head feels like it's going to explode.

"My sweet girl, I understand you but please understand me, as well as your uncle.

He's having a very very hard time. He needs peace of mind and no stress because he's been very sick. (Heart issues)

I'm asking you nicely. Go and see her and say happy NY. For our sake and for us to have peace in our own home.

Otherwise people will think we're a bad influence and trying to turn you against mum (?)

My sweet girl needs to show the world that she's a young woman worth respecting (???)

Uncle doesn't want to be in the middle of your relationship. It's not me telling you what to do, it's me asking you nicely.

For you to be a good person and feel like a good person, and for our sake, make that small yet big step for your life.

We love you very much, don't you ever forget it."

Ffs I just wanted to play with the dog on NYE, how did this become Emmerdale? 😂

For you to be a good person and feel like a good person

I'm afraid I feel this in a really manipulative and unreasonable thing to say. Are they unaware of the ways in which your mother abuses you?

If I were you, I'd not go. Sorry.

No

I'm sorry she isn't as lovely as you hoped. She's manipulating you, as is her husband.

What a shame.

Don't reply, it isn't worth it.

Please don't let them drag you back down.

On the positive side, at least you know exactly who they are now. You don't need to bother with them again. They would sacrifice you to make their own life easier.

Honestly sweetheart, you are better without them. Someone has to put you first- so it has to be you.

Don't go.

That's a really manipulative message from her. She's obviously got to them.

Gaslighting, enabling, and manipulative - what a dreadful message when she knows that you are physically, mentally and emotionally at the end of your tether.

Thank her for her message, and the invitation, but say you have to decline because you really aren't well enough to face your mother - and point out that the POLICE have also suggested that you keep a distance from her. Say that you are disappointed that she can't see things from your point of view, and that her/their support would have meant a great deal to you. You don't want to upset her, or your uncle, and therefore feel that it will be better if you don't come round so that they aren't in the middle of this. Wish them a happy New Year.

This way no-one can say you are causing trouble/ rude/ungrateful etc, but you won't be involved with them. You are just quietly stepping back.

It's very sad that they are using "other people's" opinions as justifications for trying to force you into a confrontation when what they are really doing is looking for an easy time for themselves (obviously they also fear your mother's Narc rages) and are effectively sacrificing you to achieve this.

Please don't go. Perhaps your local churchSalvation Army etc might have something in place for people who are alone at New Year - you could ask. Switch off your phone/ e-mail/ everything and don't respond to them if they try to contact you, because there could be a lot of tears and emotional blackmail.

When you move, don't give them your new address. If you wish to maintain contact, do it over the phone only so that you can block when necessary and ignore texts/calls if you need to.

Best of luck, my dear.

(It's a pity about the dog, though - I can see how you'll miss him)

I don't think your aunt means to be nasty and it would seem that she loves you very much.
Unfortunately few people understand what is actually going on here and that she and your uncle are being used by your NM. They will absolutely not understand this sadly and will want everyone to "kiss and make up".
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's just one of the many reasons why N victims are so often sucked back in to the abuse.
I hope you find some solace and support in the Stately Homes thread.
Also look for some Facebook and/or Meet Up groups for victims of Narcissistic Abuse. You will find your clan...
Wishing you love, strength and courage xx

Block her number from your phone op.
Get a counsellor.
Move & don't tell her your address.
Join some clubs, art, walking, running, singing whatever you like. You will make friends.
Keep away from her 💛

Well done op! 🙌

So sorry everyone

A bit of a hard time right now

Can I ask for some support please?

Not about my situation, just a film or series you liked, or some interesting sight, or a favourite recipe, an actor or an actress or anything...different? Struggling rn a bit 😥