Very Dangerous N Mother --- I need your advice and support please. (I'm scared)

[cassiatwenty]

Dear All, I wrote about this already two months ago, and you were very helpful and supportive when I had nobody.

I suppose I need MN forces to come to rescue yet again? Is that ok?

I went NC with my N mother. However, a few things happened whilst living alone (panic and anxiety attacks) and then I had to see someone in person, and yes, it was her.

I feel so lost right now. On paper, I have family, but in my heart I know that I can only trust myself and protect myself from this fiend, because it will attack me sooner or later.

She's been physically and verbally abusing me since I was 5, and she even stabbed me with a knife (knee) and slammed my head against the wall when her lover left her.

As I'm a young woman now and she's an older woman now, physical abuse doesn't happen anymore, even though she still denies it.

However, she's just verbally abusive and unsupportive. Every time I come to her for love, she makes it like I'm the one to be blamed (you always wanted to be special, that's why you were harassed by your landlord), and other awful things like that.

She keeps going to see some shoddy psychologist and saying tosh like 'I feel so sad that my daughter has a disease that makes her say such untrue things about me', and then keeps abusing me behind closed doors.

She has ruined friendships of mine, called friends I no longer spoke with, and even went out with guys(????) I fancied to 'warn' them about me.

There is this idea where she wants me to move in with her upcoming January, but this idea horrifies me. Every time I say 'no' tactfully or if I'm upfront, she just keeps scheming.

The thing is, I'm worried she will pressure me into depression/suicide, and just completely ruin little life and hope I have left.

I feel like a child.

Could you kindly give me advices, strategies or words of support on how to defend myself against her? Where or to whom do I go to when I'm NC, and I have a panic attack? How do I meet safe people?

How do I protect myself from here in time now when she hasn't hurt me and coerced me into living with her? How can I help myself and stop this cycle once and for all, or at least, turn the tables on this horrid predator who has made hell most of my life?

Dear MN, you all have experiences and strategies and words that I don't have, and I'm so afraid.

Could you please help me? It doesn't have to be big, just I need to talk to good people right now.

Thanks a lot @NewBootsAndRanty , I feel better now. I am trying NC too, and I am glad it's working for you. I appreciate your support and I hope you get some rest. I don't feel so scared anymore 💕

I feel so sad for you OP. You say that when bad things have happened IRL you still seek love and comfort from her because she’s still your Mum. Just goes to show how strong that parental pull can be, even when that parent has let you down so very badly. Please take the advice of PP when they tell you to get as far away as possible. Of course it won’t be easy but you owe it to yourself. Act quickly for the sake of your mental health. You’ve already shown incredible strength despite what this person has subjected you to over the years, you can do it

There is a podcast 'insight' in Spotify. Two therapists give advice on how to deal with narcissist's. I think that would help you develop boundaries with your mum

Gosh, well done again Cassia! I hope you've got some sleep, at least?

I hope you have a lovely time with your aunt and her dogs!

I'll be off to church shortly- I led last night's service and though I say it myself, it was lovely! Very atmospheric- candles, music, poems, carols...

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through @cassiatwenty

I haven’t read the whole thread, although I’ve read all your posts.

The only thing I have to add, is don’t be too sure the police won’t believe you. My daughter went through a terrible ‘phase’ (4/5 years) where she abused us mentally and physically. Everyone thought we were at fault, and we doubted ourselves even though we have other children. Our daughter is small, blonde, petite and pretty. She couldn’t beat up adults…

No one believed us (doctors, teachers, camhs, social services). One day I decided it was enough, and I would call the police the next time it happened, and I did when she broke my nose. She attacked the police officers, and was arrested. I do feel disgusting for doing it, but it changed things for, not only did they believe it, they also got her help.

Fast forward 3/4 years and life is different. She has a good job, a really great boyfriend and is about to start open university. Our relationship is better than I could have dreamed. I’m not saying this will happen with your mum, but I do think the police have seen it all, and aren’t fazed by anything. They know things aren’t always what they seem.

Sending you so much love and strength, and wishing you a lovely Christmas

You sound like such a lovely person @cassiatwenty and I hope that you find some peace, joy and happiness later today with your aunt.

Youve had some excellent advice here from the MN Vipers. I’m not an expert in the parental side of narcissism, as I’ve just divorced one… but in dealing with narcs, the common thread of advice is to go LC or NC.

You say you’re in rented. Can you hand your notice in to the landlord?

Hearing what your DMs been up to, I think a long period of some counselling and NC to get your head in the right place should be top of your New Year resolutions!

Take care

I have just noticed this and am glad I read the thread before commenting.

I'm so pleased that you have found the excellent advice here useful and are getting the help and support you need.

I will say that is is incredibly difficult to make a clean break from a toxic parent, or even to change the narrative - it must be something evolutionary; a survival mechanism re: keeping the favour of the person who is more powerful than you and responsible for you staying alive.

Have wonderful Christmas - and next year step out and re-make your life to cherish yourself. Good luck, and every blessing going forward.

Watch videos by HG Tudor on youtube. Also here: narcsite.com/
He gives advice on how to deal with NPD. The only way to deal with it is to cut off all contact. Thats the only way. There are no strategies you can use when dealing with NPD.

This. You have low self esteem because of her but you can’t go back because it will be worse. Walk away, keep coming on here for support get a job or two, take up hobbies, buy a cat when you can and read up on boundaries.

Dating your boyfriend s? WTF. Get a restraining order.

Hi OP sorry you've had such a shit time. But you've had some amazing advice here.

Onwards and upwards to 2023 and escape from the monster.

It’s definitely the right thing to do. You need to go away. Speak to the police about a restraining order. Just show them this thread if you are struggling to get them to understand. Much love to you today x

I mean ‘get’ away, sorry! What a typo :-(

I moved across the country to get away from mine after years of sbuse, new life, new job, new everything. Away from eerything I knew.
Its heaven. I haven't seen them for three years now and I finally feel I'm in recovery.
The only way to heal is to get right away.

You've had so much good advice on this thread, and I really hope you're able to follow through. Your family is what you choose for it to be. You can build yourself a whole new one so that you will have good people around you, and your family Christmas will be what you want it - happy, warm and safe.

Have a fabulous day today.

If you can I'd move. Distance will make it easier to avoid her, if you're a couple hours drive away it will be easier to stay away from her when you're overwhelmed and need support. If she doesn't know where you are she can't turn up.

I read something that really resonated, that the behaviours and patterns you learnt to survive abuse aren't necessarily behaviours and patterns that will help you heal. When you were a child and relient on her you learnt ways of behaving that helped you survive, you internalized negative messages about your own worth. The cognitive dissonance of having your primary carer abuse you can cause children to blame themselves, it feels safer if it's your fault, then there's the hope that if you can change enough, behave enough it will stop. It feels safer to think it's your fault then confront the fact you were relying on a monster to keep you safe. All that is still there.

You need mental and physical distance to allow you time to process and come to terms with, as much as possible, the grief and fear and harm she's caused you. It's my STBXH in my case and while counselling and medication are allowing me to survive I don't think I can start to heal until I feel safe and I'm rarely interacting with him. He's done a real number on my self esteem and my self worth. You deserve to feel safe and valued and loved, but you need her out of your life first.

Being away from people and places that can trigger memories of abuse, being physically distant, her not knowing where you are, anything you can put in place to make contact harder and anything you can put in place to support your mental health and enable you to hold boundaries against her, all those things can help. You only need to be successful in going NC once, if you get drawn back in you try again, and again if necessary. You can get there, you deserve a happy life without her.

Honestly, I don’t know about reporting. It’s hard to prove anything and emotionally very, very challenging. It’s probably safer for you to just move, change numbers and block all contact. Reporting won’t change your past, or heal you. You can get EMDR therapy and maybe look up The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube and research C-PTSD, which is the most logical response to your childhood.

This is your only hope. I might even change my name, redirect all Mail prior to leaving etc

I hope you're enjoying the time with your aunt. I'm sure she will appreciate the presents for her fur family / that was very nice of you!

I'm NC with my "D"M. I can say 100% that whatever guilt I've felt and sometimes still do, that's FAAAR easier to deal with than dealing with anything involving the narc. So maybe keep that in mind going ahead. There will be days when what you want is to feel cared for and loved. Remind yourself you can't get that from her and that as awful as it feels, the feeling of wanting that is better than the feelings she will give you!

Thank you all for such lovely messages, and so sorry to trouble you today.

I spent time with my aunt and it was lovely. Back here in my flat and in the process of moving out and to a new place, so I will update you and respond when possible but I won't forget.

I hope each and every one of you is having a good/ok/tolerable day.

I don't feel so afraid or alone reading this thread and each and every comment. Thank you

That's good to hear Cassia.

Also, never forget you are not alone. There will be others around who know what you are feeling and what you've been through, as well as others who haven't experienced it but still understand.

We can feel isolated and lonely when times are tough, but we never really are- it just feels that way.

I'm so glad you had a good day. Now move forward with no contact and build yourself the family you deserve. If you ever start doubting yourself, find support here - so many people on here have been where you are now (not me, but I found enormous help for a cousin of mine who was going through it with her mum).

Hi OP,
I just found your thread. I feel for you and wondered if you knew these resources: www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com (I think there is something on Facebook with the same name) and the book "Will I ever be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride.

Having a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse will really support you and I am glad you have found someone.

I wish you well.

Dear all,

A bit of insomnia and confusion as I'm up this early.

I'm supposed to be at my aunt's for NYE. She's lovely. She makes delicious cakes and I get to play with her dog. Her husband is my mother's brother.

He strongly suggests that I should apologise (?) to mother as she is his sister, and be a bigger person if I want to keep seeing them (both regular days and NYE)

He also strongly suggests that I should move back in with mother, as that would save me a lot of money, and that life is full of compromises.

That's not wrong, but a bit unreasonable if that person abused you most of your life.

My aunt is lovely but she comes in a package with him.

I have to find a new flat and/or roommates in two weeks. On top of that, they pressure me to do this dreadful thing. This won't help me find a new flat or give me a peace of mind even.

I now can't sleep and have a bit more worries.

How do I handle this? Diplomatically or just stay by myself on NYE and keep flat hunting?

A bit resentful as these demands put more burden on me, and not much help in an area where I really need it.

Your uncle is what's known as a "flying monkey" - a person who is (unwittingly) used by the narc to exert pressure on the victim in order to force them back to the fold i.e. back to their position of being abused. Your NM is reacting in the typical way that narcs do when their victim tries to escape. She must have been shocked at the (wonderful and courageous) way you stood up to her and will now do all she can to force you back to "your place".
Using flying monkeys is one typical strategy...

abusewarrior.com/abuse/a-narcissists-flying-monkeys/#:~:text=The%20term%20'flying%20monkeys'%20refers,the%20West's%20flying%20monkeys%20were.