Very Dangerous N Mother --- I need your advice and support please. (I'm scared)

[cassiatwenty]

Dear All, I wrote about this already two months ago, and you were very helpful and supportive when I had nobody.

I suppose I need MN forces to come to rescue yet again? Is that ok?

I went NC with my N mother. However, a few things happened whilst living alone (panic and anxiety attacks) and then I had to see someone in person, and yes, it was her.

I feel so lost right now. On paper, I have family, but in my heart I know that I can only trust myself and protect myself from this fiend, because it will attack me sooner or later.

She's been physically and verbally abusing me since I was 5, and she even stabbed me with a knife (knee) and slammed my head against the wall when her lover left her.

As I'm a young woman now and she's an older woman now, physical abuse doesn't happen anymore, even though she still denies it.

However, she's just verbally abusive and unsupportive. Every time I come to her for love, she makes it like I'm the one to be blamed (you always wanted to be special, that's why you were harassed by your landlord), and other awful things like that.

She keeps going to see some shoddy psychologist and saying tosh like 'I feel so sad that my daughter has a disease that makes her say such untrue things about me', and then keeps abusing me behind closed doors.

She has ruined friendships of mine, called friends I no longer spoke with, and even went out with guys(????) I fancied to 'warn' them about me.

There is this idea where she wants me to move in with her upcoming January, but this idea horrifies me. Every time I say 'no' tactfully or if I'm upfront, she just keeps scheming.

The thing is, I'm worried she will pressure me into depression/suicide, and just completely ruin little life and hope I have left.

I feel like a child.

Could you kindly give me advices, strategies or words of support on how to defend myself against her? Where or to whom do I go to when I'm NC, and I have a panic attack? How do I meet safe people?

How do I protect myself from here in time now when she hasn't hurt me and coerced me into living with her? How can I help myself and stop this cycle once and for all, or at least, turn the tables on this horrid predator who has made hell most of my life?

Dear MN, you all have experiences and strategies and words that I don't have, and I'm so afraid.

Could you please help me? It doesn't have to be big, just I need to talk to good people right now.

🌻

Thank you for teaching me something new @tribpot , I had no idea about this:

"Every child naturally attaches to their primary caregiver – even when s/he is abusive – because their survival depends on it. This causes great distress in adulthood when we have the capacity to recognise abusive behaviour more clearly but nevertheless feel bonded to the abuser"

and fair point about, I didn't understand this until someone had pointed it out:

talking to strangers on the phone hasn't been very effective, even though they are trained and everything.

Hasn't been very effective compared to someone who emotionally abuses you when you need help?

Some tough love was needed xx

I appreciate that @Greenfairydust , and yes, when this is all you've ever known, you start to think it's normal or fair but a lot of people don't have to deal with it. Thank you so much x

Thank so much for your patience and wisdom, and support @picklemewalnuts. I wish I could repay you in some way, but MN is all we've got atm, however it's good advice to be proactive about your own happiness and well-being, as well as tips for hobbies 😊

@Thecrackineverything exactly this! I would go to her for support and she's always made me feel worse, like, it's your own fault someone did something bad to you (no, it's not you evil harridan).

My N mum told me that too, actually. I mean, fair play to you, you never wished I was born, but why are you such a hypocrite playing this image of a heartbroken loving mother to our neighbours, and in distress.

Part of the problem, I think, is that I literally don't think like her.

This isn't deserved or normal. When I read Jeanette Winterson's autobiography, it helped me realise I wasn't the only one who had someone like this in my life.

Your message (as everyone else's) has been immensely helpful. Thank you for your support @Thecrackineverything 💝

No problem. I, too, found Winterson's account of her childhood weirdly familiar. I always thought Oranges are not the Only Fruit was basically about me!

How are you doing? Are you managing NC with her?

It was a great read, easy yet I felt like I've learned a lot. I picked up Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? and I felt relieved because she went through something similar.

Not too bad, thank you for asking. Day by day, got things planned. Christmas and NY are going to be a bit challenging but I'll have to just...keep calm and carry on, day by day, you know? Yes, managing NC still, phew

Well done. Keep on truckin'. 💪

I have a mother who sounds similar. I have had to go almost completely NC with her. It would never occur to me to go to her if I was anxious or worried. I've had a lot of therapy to get to this point, but sadly/luckily I realised at a young age that she was never to be relied on - anything i told her got thrown back in my face and this hurt me so deeply I was happy and relieved to break contact. I genuinely think she's a bad person and if I was enmeshed in her web of scheming I would also be a bad person
Good luck Op.

Wishing you all the very best OP, you have done really well so far.

If there are times when you are really struggling, keep returning to the thread and there will be support here for you.

I was just on the call with the police. I was out, and N mother came in front of the flat I'm renting. I had no idea what to do. I wish I was making this up. Today of all days.

I could really use some support but I realise people are busy today. Do I really have to go to the police? Can I just not rest for a month?

I'm so ashamed to be related to a person with no morals

@cassiatwenty you honestly could be me. I had broken arms, fingers, eyebrows shaved off, hat shaved to the roots in patches around my face the night before school photos and much “poor me, what can you do with a daughter like her?” Attention-seeking dramas from her to the point that I never bothered telling anyone how bad things were. I was the victim of a very violent gang rape at 14 and knew that if I attempted to bring charges against my attackers, she would have been on the phone to everyone telling everyone how very affected SHE was, and punishing me for doing exactly that in private, allowing me not space for healing or right to privacy - so I suffered in silence. She collected me bruised, battered after surgery with a policeman urging me to re-think my adamant refusal to press charges and she didn’t ask a single question, but called me a slut. She had me well-trained. At 18 I was about 35kg and had alopecia due to stress. I left home and put myself in committed therapy then and only when I knew that I had totally broken the cycle I considered settling down and having kids. I was 32 when my first was born and 34 when the next two came along. We have a very different, loving relationship - and mine with DH is very much a democracy. I kept returning to look after both parents through both of their many illnesses until their deaths. Looking back now, I’m not sure I did the right thing. She didn’t mellow - quite the opposite, in fact. On the way to her funeral, I was fantasizing about wooden stakes and holy water. Anyhow, it’s six years since she died and I am only now processing how utterly vile she was, and how damaged by her own upbringing. Doesn’t excuse her behaviour but I can see the patterns. I am hyper-vigilant about avoiding these things and the most beautiful sound is my family’s laughter.

Thank you for being here this late @Fraaahnces

I am glad that you are well now. MN helps me realise how it's not my fault and how it affects other people.

They don't mellow, things are worse.

She does this to other people.

She will continue to mess with people's lives if there are no repercussions.

Do you think reporting is the right thing to do, silently moving away or something else?

I just want a normal quiet life ffs

I've gotten more support and friendship and fun from MN than from my own biological mother.

It took me a while to work out my MIL was a narc. My poor DH had struggled all his life trying to work out why he was always treated so differently. Turns out that he was the only one who was brave enough to disagree with his mum so was the classic scapegoat.
She was so good at charming you and it was a while before I was treated to a full on Marc rage but my god was I shocked. Fortunately my DH witnessed it and defended me. I’m pretty thick skinned but I now realise that it was abuse.
Like DH I have no problem calling her out when she gaslights, it’s tough and you never win but it does reduce the amount of abuse. I also no longer see her on my own. After one incident when she reduced me to tears I decided not to put myself in that situation again. Now I always make sure there are witnesses.
My DH has been able to work through some of the lifelong damage she has inflicted but feels a great deal of guilt by not seeing her. However he too tries hard not to be alone with her, and now my FIL has died it is tricky. She lives with my BIL so she’s not on her own.
We were going to visit tomorrow but DS has flu so we have a perfect excuse. It also means she won’t visit us ( not that she would deign to visit us, she is far too important to visit others 😉)

My ex is a Narc.

I have read and watched many videos about how to deal with narcissists and a lot are wishy washy.

Until I came across Sam Vaknin.

You must watch all his videos and read his books.
Why ? Because he is spot on.
He is diagnosed pathological narcissists and he gives you all the insights of how narcs think, and how to deal with them.

Watch all his stuff on youtube. It will open your mind. He has the world's largest database of dealing with narcissists. Even if you watch only 20 minutes of his videos, you will have a lightbulb moment.

You can never change an a narcissist. They are beyond help
.
Please watch his videos.

Hey @Angrymum22 Thank you for being here this late. I know today's not the best day but I appreciate you all so much. It's calming me.

With N's they rage when you call them out on their behaviour. If I called my instructor a Pink Goat, there would be laughs, but this is true so rage.

They say that Narcs need someone because violence and abuse helps them break tension because their development is stunted. However, it's not a solution.

I support you, and don't see her alone. You don't need that in your life.

Her Highness could also get a hobby, and let you be in peace. Thank you for being here, I appreciate your company 🌻

Thank you @lemonstrawberry I'm a bit overwhelmed for YouTube right now but I'll remember your suggestion xxx

I'm not understanding why you called the police on her.
Did she come over and enter your home while you weren't there?

@emptythelitterbox

Yes. They were also very kind and supportive which I didn't expect at all.

Wow how did she get in your house?!

I literally didn't know what else to do. Me being kind and tactful just doesn't work. This has to stop.

If it was a man, I suppose calling the police would be fine. But a charming woman could never be abusive. Charm doesn't equal morals.

It was absolutely fine to call the police.

Thank you @NewBootsAndRanty I appreciate your support. I didn't know what else to do, and I was scared. This is helping me calm down, reading your messages.

So sorry it's today of all days

That only thing you can do is move away and not tell her where you moved to.

Cassia honestly we'll done for calling the police! That was brilliant! I can't believe you did that - in a good way.

That was the right thing to do.

Big pat of the back.

I've been in years of therapy for my n mother and there have been times when just the hypothetical idea of calling the police on her historically (what do you think would have happened if the police came when you were 6?) had me in a panic attack. Reading that you actually called the police did make me do an inner fist pump!

I do hope that in amongst the many things you probably feel that you also feel some pride.

What are your plans for Christmas?

Hey, it's fine. I had to to do it in the past with my family; it's really scary experiencing it and then dealing with the 'should I have done that?' afterwards.

I've been NC for over a decade. This is my 13th Xmas now (I'm 43) going solo and it's genuinely the best thing I ever did

I hope you're feeling safe enough for tonight, if you get any more trouble from her really don't worry about asking for help from the police again. Sleep well if you can and be proud of yourself for putting yourself first

Thank you so much @daretodenim , means a lot. @tribpot commented on this thread that I should turn to someone else in case something bad happened, so that's what I did.

Not so much pride but gratitude for people taking their time to chat with me on the 25th.

I plan to see my aunt for tea tomorrow, I made her a nice postcard and got a nice ornament, and treats for dogs, then church, then late night film.

How have you been doing? What are your plans for Christmas and/or NY?

🖐