Very Dangerous N Mother --- I need your advice and support please. (I'm scared)

[cassiatwenty]

Dear All, I wrote about this already two months ago, and you were very helpful and supportive when I had nobody.

I suppose I need MN forces to come to rescue yet again? Is that ok?

I went NC with my N mother. However, a few things happened whilst living alone (panic and anxiety attacks) and then I had to see someone in person, and yes, it was her.

I feel so lost right now. On paper, I have family, but in my heart I know that I can only trust myself and protect myself from this fiend, because it will attack me sooner or later.

She's been physically and verbally abusing me since I was 5, and she even stabbed me with a knife (knee) and slammed my head against the wall when her lover left her.

As I'm a young woman now and she's an older woman now, physical abuse doesn't happen anymore, even though she still denies it.

However, she's just verbally abusive and unsupportive. Every time I come to her for love, she makes it like I'm the one to be blamed (you always wanted to be special, that's why you were harassed by your landlord), and other awful things like that.

She keeps going to see some shoddy psychologist and saying tosh like 'I feel so sad that my daughter has a disease that makes her say such untrue things about me', and then keeps abusing me behind closed doors.

She has ruined friendships of mine, called friends I no longer spoke with, and even went out with guys(????) I fancied to 'warn' them about me.

There is this idea where she wants me to move in with her upcoming January, but this idea horrifies me. Every time I say 'no' tactfully or if I'm upfront, she just keeps scheming.

The thing is, I'm worried she will pressure me into depression/suicide, and just completely ruin little life and hope I have left.

I feel like a child.

Could you kindly give me advices, strategies or words of support on how to defend myself against her? Where or to whom do I go to when I'm NC, and I have a panic attack? How do I meet safe people?

How do I protect myself from here in time now when she hasn't hurt me and coerced me into living with her? How can I help myself and stop this cycle once and for all, or at least, turn the tables on this horrid predator who has made hell most of my life?

Dear MN, you all have experiences and strategies and words that I don't have, and I'm so afraid.

Could you please help me? It doesn't have to be big, just I need to talk to good people right now.

Start again. Move to a completely different location and start again. New job, new house, new phone number. Don’t stay anyway in contact. If she dies alone and neglected, well you reap what you sow and she deserves it for treating you so badly. Normal family relationships aren’t like this. Move, book some counselling and live a happy life. You are only young you say, you can start again.

What is an 'N mother'?
But, why don't you just block and go total no contact with this person?

Do you work? Study?

First thing- do not go to her for support, love or anything else. She can't help you with that. A random stranger on the street will be able to do better.

Seek counselling. You should be able to access it through the GP, possibly through your employer, definitely through your educator if you are a student.

Change the focus on your life away from avoiding her towards meeting new people and having new experiences. What you focus on is what you'll get. Not in a new age, woo way- quite simply if you plan your day around going places and meeting people, you won't be thinking about her.

Where or to whom do I go to when I'm NC, and I have a panic attack

Samaritans, MIND, any number of free helplines and support groups are all there for you to help yourself.

I had issues of SA growing up that centred around my mother and her various boyfriends. Even after all that it can be difficult to cut ties completely.

Hey@LadyLaLaait's a narcissstic personality disorder.

I have been through loss, and trauma. Isolation is another problem.

Well, I don't have many friends and then sometimes bad things happen IRL. I go to her because I get scared and in the moment it's my instinct to "go and see mum", even though my rational brain knows she's not loving. When panic hits, I suppose I don't think rationally.

Hey @ThreeLittleDots , I get what you mean, but talking to strangers on the phone hasn't been very effective, even though they are trained and everything.

Hey @ZeldaOlivia , I'm sorry to read what you went through and SA. It can be so difficult to cut ties. Nobody raises you to expect this, especially we're not prepared when we're children.

Thank you for your answer and your support @picklemewalnuts . You are right and I get what you mean -- I know it's not New Agey, and I have been meeting new people, and it has been successful.

How do I know if I meet the right counsellor? What do I avoid, or what do I seek when looking? I mean, NC has been successful but at times things happen that I can't control, so it's two steps forward, one step back kinda thing?

Thank you for commenting @AluckyEllie . I've been thinking the same thing TBH. She didn't want to talk to me for years because she was busy with her beauty sleep, now she keeps sending me these texts (7 per day) what to do with my life, ordering me around.

So bizzare. I can't meet good people in 3 weeks, but I at times I need someone reliable IRL, you know?

"Well, I don't have many friends and then sometimes bad things happen IRL. I go to her because I get scared and in the moment it's my instinct to "go and see mum", even though my rational brain knows she's not loving. When panic hits, I suppose I don't think rationally."

This is really hard. You need to come to terms with not having been properly parented as a child. She's certainly not going to properly parent you now.

Acceptance of that is a really huge step to managing it. Slightly different situation, I was miserable in my marriage for years because he 'didn't make me happy'. One day I realised that I couldn't rely on him for that so I needed to take responsibility for my own happiness. I got on with living my life the way I wanted to, without waiting for validation from him. It's remarkable. We're both much happier. I'm not waiting for him to notice I look nice, he's not constantly aware he's somehow let me down.

1. She can't give you what you are looking for.
2. You don't need it from her.
3. You can parent yourself- and you'll do a dann sight better at it than she ever did!

Do loads of self care, cherish yourself, nurture yourself.
Use all the tools available- helplines, counselling services, online tools ('out of the fog' is a good website).
Seek out what makes you happy- join a choir, learn to cook, knit, paint- whatever you enjoy.

Everything will start to fall into place. It's hard at first, but the more you practice, the easier it gets!

These videos will really help you understand why you yearn for your mother, even though you know she is toxic;

talking to strangers on the phone hasn't been very effective, even though they are trained and everything.

Hasn't been very effective compared to someone who emotionally abuses you when you need help?

You need support in getting and staying away from her. I suspect that when you have a panic attack your brain reverts to the patterns of childhood, even though they were harmful. It's all you've ever known.

Can you contact NAPAC - the National Association for People Abused in Childhood. They have support groups and information which I think will help you. One of the FAQs is specifically about emotional abuse (although your mother has been physically abusive also)

Every child naturally attaches to their primary caregiver – even when s/he is abusive – because their survival depends on it. This causes great distress in adulthood when we have the capacity to recognise abusive behaviour more clearly but nevertheless feel bonded to the abuser.

It took me a long time to finally accept my mother didn't love me like a normal mother. I would go to her when stressed and somehow I'd always feel worse. Sometimes she was just plain mean when I was being vulnerable with her, like once telling me she wished I'd never been born.

Eventually I went NC and I kept to it. That doesn't mean I grappled with guilt and shame around it, but I knew that it was never going to get better.

Picture the black, blank eyes of a shark. That's your mum. Like with a shark, you need to stay away from her.

You need to get right away - like moving - if you think she will not respect your decision. Either way, you need to slowly build up a bank of friendships that will act as a buffer between you and the loneliness. The loneliness will always be there, but you will learn to live with it and manage it.

Please stay well away from her. You deserve better.

Ah, ok. Ty.
I hope you get the help and support you need to get away permanently from her.

I wish I had that strength

I moved to the other side of the world and finally managed to go full no contact at 38.

should have done it much sooner.

you need to develop independent skills and move very very very far away

That Napac site linked above looks really good op - call them

I think you need to move out, and maybe consider whether it is in your interests to maintain a relationship with your mother at all. There is no point going to her for love if she has none to give.

Get as far away as you can from her and never contact her at all she sounds evil

All of this

you have to cut contact if you feel that your physical and mental health is at risk.

Narcs never change.

I chose to cut contact with my relatives.

I went to great lengths and moved to a new area so none of them have my number or address anymore because they did not respect my initial request for no contact.

Counselling really helped me.

It is a really hard thing to do to have to detach yourself from your relatives but sometimes it is the only option we have to build a decent life for ourselves.

I was conditioned from early childhood to accept the abuse as normal so it took me a while to be able to reclaim my freedom. Don't waste your life dealing with toxic people like this and don't let them control you.

Hi all,

Just a quick note but I finally managed to find a specialist (IRL) to talk this just now.

It finally went well, and I just wanted to check-in and say thanks because I (truly) wouldn't have been able to do it without your comments, experiences, sensibility and support. So many many thanks 💝💕

Thanks all!

You make MN a great place. I'll check in when I have more time (just getting this done) to respond to people.

That's so great to hear

Well done, Cassia! You have done the hardest bit, made a decision and got started. Just need to practice your decision now, and it will get easier!

Good for you Cassia.

Block her, go properly nc, don’t let her anywhere near you.

Great up date. You can do this.

Thank you kindly to everyone who commented and shared -- @Eyesopenwideawake e, @LadyLaLaa , @ZeldaOlivia , @Wanderingoff , @kingtamponthefurred (brilliant username @😀!), @Justcanttakeit , @HedgehogB .

You are my heroes, and people who do kind things because you helped me make meaningful progress in my own life.

Thank you so much xxx