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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

544 replies

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 13:34

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 14/12/2022 10:16

SafferUpNorth · 14/12/2022 09:25

@ithinkiveruinedmymarriage - how did the chat go yesterday evening?

well we spoke. He's struggling to get his head around what else might be a lie over the past 14 years because of this "lie" that has recently come to light although I think deep down he knows there aren't other "lies". He admitted he has stuff going on in his head which boils down to jealousy over this particular ex and he also admitted that his feelings are running so high because there's nothing at all he can do about it to change it. He said he needs to get over it and he's downloaded an ebook on retroactive jealousy.

OP posts:
MyAutocorrectWishesMeDeaj · 14/12/2022 10:19

This needs to stop being emotively labelled as a 'lie'. FFS I told my DH all kindsa BS in the first few months of dating. We laugh about it now! This wasn't a big deal.

That said, assuming his attitude in the chat was less accusatory and he is recognising that this is HIS ISSUE then I think you may be able to move forwards. But you must stop apologising/changing behaviour for fear of his reactions. x

FatEaredFuck · 14/12/2022 10:21

Those are positive steps forward. Counselling may be beneficial for him.

I wouldn't raise it with him but do keep in mind how much of your marriage is under constraint because of this other woman - and that happened 14 years ago. Next time you try to blame yourself for an "imperfection" remember how much he is affected by his own ex, and don't feel guilty. Shoe on the other foot if you had an ex who had so much control over how you behaved he would lynch you for it.

RottingAutumnApples · 14/12/2022 10:33

Did you tell him how much you are limiting other aspects of your life because of him?

TiredButDancing · 14/12/2022 11:03

Well, that's good. As long as he does continue to accept it's his issue, not yours.

And I agree with PP - you both need to stop framing this as a "lie". It may not even have happened and frankly, at that point in time, there was no obligation on your part to be completely honest with him while he was throwing a tantrum.

Do not feel obligated to attempt to "prove" your loyalty over the last 14 years.

PinsetAndTwirls · 14/12/2022 11:30

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 14/12/2022 10:16

well we spoke. He's struggling to get his head around what else might be a lie over the past 14 years because of this "lie" that has recently come to light although I think deep down he knows there aren't other "lies". He admitted he has stuff going on in his head which boils down to jealousy over this particular ex and he also admitted that his feelings are running so high because there's nothing at all he can do about it to change it. He said he needs to get over it and he's downloaded an ebook on retroactive jealousy.

Show quote history

That's better than him still being accusatory - but it's not good enough. Will he punch the walls again? Downloading an e book is a start, but that is not going to unscramble years and years of problems.

GoldenCupidon · 14/12/2022 11:46

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 14/12/2022 10:16

well we spoke. He's struggling to get his head around what else might be a lie over the past 14 years because of this "lie" that has recently come to light although I think deep down he knows there aren't other "lies". He admitted he has stuff going on in his head which boils down to jealousy over this particular ex and he also admitted that his feelings are running so high because there's nothing at all he can do about it to change it. He said he needs to get over it and he's downloaded an ebook on retroactive jealousy.

Show quote history

Sounds like quite a productive talk - did you feel able to stand up for yourself? Sounds like maybe you did as the dynamic is now quite different from your tone in the OP.

An ebook probably won't cut it long term though, but it's a good start if he is recognising it as his issue and proactively trying to sort it out.

GoldenCupidon · 14/12/2022 11:48

Whatever you said about your previous love life (sounds like you pretended to have several boyfriends instead of just one) was a "lie" albeit a harmless one.

The thing with the email was what we in the language trade call a "mistake", a "misremembering" or even better a "non event".

Sakura7 · 14/12/2022 11:55

It's a baby step OP, let's see how he behaves.

I agree with previous posters that you have to stop letting him frame this as some massive lie, and you have to stop accepting blame for something so insignificant that happened 14 years ago.
Keep pushing back and tell him how ridiculous he sounds.

EasterIsland · 14/12/2022 12:25

If I say something to trigger him he disappears down a dark hole and feels like crap and unworthy until I can eventually make him see sense.

It’s not your job to sort his head out. He needs therapy. Really seriously.

And you DIDN’T “lie“ 14 years ago. You made a mistake, or remembered wrongly. Stop taking the blame for his unreasonable response.

Yes, he has issues from his abusive past, but he shouldn’t be projecting them on you.

Good luck, @ithinkiveruinedmymarriage

TheShellBeach · 14/12/2022 15:26

He said he needs to get over it

FFS OP. There is nothing to get over.

I hope you told him how you avoid certain topics, people and places because you're afraid of him. And mentioned that hitting walls is domestic violence.

Cherrysoup · 14/12/2022 16:55

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 14/12/2022 10:16

well we spoke. He's struggling to get his head around what else might be a lie over the past 14 years because of this "lie" that has recently come to light although I think deep down he knows there aren't other "lies". He admitted he has stuff going on in his head which boils down to jealousy over this particular ex and he also admitted that his feelings are running so high because there's nothing at all he can do about it to change it. He said he needs to get over it and he's downloaded an ebook on retroactive jealousy.

Show quote history

But it wasn’t a lie! You misremembered saying something about him. He’s being ridiculous. I’m afraid I’d be making him work very hard to earn back my respect after kicking up such a fuss over nothing. 14 years and he risks losing everything over something so pathetically minor.

justasmalltownmum · 14/12/2022 22:36

My marriage is based on more than something I maybe said 14 years ago.

Talia99 · 14/12/2022 22:53

I would say show him this thread so he can see how outsiders view his behaviour (i.e. as emotional abuse with intermittent domestic violence) but unless he is punching walls at work and shrieking ‘liar’ at his boss before taking several days sick leave to ‘get over it’ every time there is a minor misunderstanding between them, he already knows.

This isn’t ‘read a self help book’ territory, it’s get significant psychiatric help (him) and legal advice on a divorce (the OP) unless the psychiatric help works.

I suspect he mentioned the self help book to again make you feel responsible for his feelings.

beastlyslumber · 14/12/2022 23:01

Never show him this thread. He'll use it as ammunition against you.

monsteramunch · 14/12/2022 23:04

Talia99 · 14/12/2022 22:53

I would say show him this thread so he can see how outsiders view his behaviour (i.e. as emotional abuse with intermittent domestic violence) but unless he is punching walls at work and shrieking ‘liar’ at his boss before taking several days sick leave to ‘get over it’ every time there is a minor misunderstanding between them, he already knows.

This isn’t ‘read a self help book’ territory, it’s get significant psychiatric help (him) and legal advice on a divorce (the OP) unless the psychiatric help works.

I suspect he mentioned the self help book to again make you feel responsible for his feelings.

Never, ever show an abuser or someone who has ever displayed abusive tendencies a thread about them.

Ever.

It is simply a stick to beat you with.

clopper · 14/12/2022 23:12

Honestly the more you try and trip over yourself to fix this and take the blame for everything, the worse it will get. You can’t turn back time.

I would be very cool with him and call his bluff. No one needs to live on eggshells like this. I hope he gets the help he needs. If not, I’d walk away.

Shauna27 · 15/12/2022 00:59

Your husband is being absolutely ridiculous. You told some white lies 14 YEARS ago! In the overall context of your entire relationship, if he's choosing to let those little lies effect him and judge your entire relationship off of them, he has real issues! Go easier on yourself, you didn't do anything wrong.

SafferUpNorth · 15/12/2022 10:17

@ithinkiveruinedmymarriage Are you OK this morning? Hopefully the scales are falling off your eyes and you're realising that your DH is not amazing and loving, but a man with serious issues that ONLY HE can fix. HIs jealousy over something utterly trivial is not normal or acceptable, but abusive, controlling behaviour.

It'll be very hard for you to accept, but for your own future, you must. He can still save the marriage if he's prepared to accept the abusive nature of his behaviour and work on it. Good luck Flowers

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