Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

[ithinkiveruinedmymarriage]

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

Your husband sounds unhinged.

and ‘only ever been abusive to the walls’? I could have no respect for someone that couldn’t control his temper to that degree. Pathetic.

"..................not once did she explain that he is physically or mentally abusive"

@Jenni92 Looks like you missed the post where she says her husband hits walls when he's in a temper.

You also missed the post where she describes having to avoid saying certain things in case it upsets him.

You also missed the post where she says she sometimes doesn't go out to certain places or with certain people because he gets upset.

So really - you haven't read anything apart from her OP.

OP you’ve had the perspective you wanted above - go on your hands and knees, beg forgiveness, swear you’ll do whatever it takes to regain his trust. How will that make you feel?

Then go back to keeping the facade of the perfect happy family up. Until the next time and the next time and the next time. There is not a thing in this world you can do that will convince this man he needs to stop torturing you about something so inconsequential. He enjoys it. It gives him power to do it.

I guarantee you no one thinks you are the perfect happy couple - a man this controlling will have given himself away and there will be people in your family and friends who have his number.
You only think they don’t see it because your entire life is about pretending he is a decent, loving man.

I feel very sorry for your children and how they are learning about love and communication and respect.

I suppose I've noticed allot of people in the comment section are reading between the lines and assuming there's more to the story than what she typed. Allot of projecting.

'Abnormal' does not count as 'abuse' the text message was him expressing his shock. Now if you think he's 'overreacting' in his text message that's entirely a matter of your opinion. However everybody reacts to things differently.

Again 'a lie is a lie' no matter how big or small so to call it a 'non-event' is dismissive.

All the best,

I suppose I've noticed allot of people in the comment section are reading between the lines and assuming there's more to the story than what she typed.

@Jenni92 No. A lot of people in the comment section have RTFT and the OP's updates where she details clear abuse.

So what was the event? She thought she said something complimentary about her current partner to her ex? And actually hadn't? He told her not to speak to him so maybe she intended to say something she didn't say because she was doing what he wanted which is exactly what she has done ever since

Ahh thank you, I stand corrected.

Yes I agree with you that hitting the walls is a potentially dangerous behaviour!

Avoiding to 'say certain things' and 'do' certain things is subjective. I will go and find those posts to see exactly what they refer to.

Thank you for pointing that out!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Why aren't you angry?
He is dragging up inconsequential shit that happened 3 months into a relationship from 14 years ago when you didn't even do anything wrong, but he set the template for the relationship right back then didn't he. Did he pout? sulk? made you feel bad about talking to your ex because he was so jealous because of his past trauma and cant be blamed for his reaction? all to get you to toe the line.
It worked as well didn't it. He's had 14 years of you modifying your behaviour so as not to upset him, interspersed with a few wall punches just to keep you on your toes.

Your husband is fucking crazy

The only mistake you've made here, is not to say to him, years ago, "if you dont trust me, fuck off".

Clearly all is good as long as you don't mention certain things/people/places!

And stop keeping his behaviour secret. Shine a light on it. Ask yourself why you're keeping this quiet.

To all those saying your DH is 'crazy' and 'controlling' I vehemently disagree. A lie is a lie. Big or small. No one wants to think that our partner was still entertaining their ex, it can also stir feelings of betrayal to know he wasn't discussed and you lied.

OP has said that they have argued several times over this and other ex’s and that she thinks it’s normal jealousy.

It isn’t normal to keep bringing the same thing up.

You cannot keep bringing the same thing up and expecting your partner to apologise.

You have every right to feel upset about
something but you either forgive it and don’t bring it up again or you leave.

He can end the relationship whenever he wants and if I thought my partner was so awful that I regularly brought the past up then I would leave for my own sanity and self worth.

He has chosen to stay with OP and therefore forgive her.
So he should not be constantly arguing about it.

The only reason he keeps bringing it up (apart from that he doesn’t like OP) is so she has to apologise and beg for his forgiveness - once fair enough, twice maybe, any more and it’s abusive.

I just reread this. You’re just as nuts as he is.

’I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

A tiny innocent email from 14 years ago to an ex about a tattoo design question while in a 3 month brand new dating someone to whom you owed nothing, and mistakenly saying you’d mentioned said date. That’s your crime. That’s how you’ve destroyed your marriage 🙄

He’s clearly nuts.

Avoiding to 'say certain things' and 'do' certain things is subjective.

I disagree, @Jenni92 The OP has to avoid saying and doing certain things which cause her husband to kick off.
She avoids meeting certain people because it causes him to kick off.

She is afraid of him.

Was just about to say similar.

Sounds like he is either an abusive, u hinged maniac

Or he is projecting big time and is gaslighting you into thinking you're the one out of order when In actual fact he's been/being unfaithful.

Either way, he's not a good partner (or father - what kind of dad treats a woman like that? Answer.. a bad one)

Maybe you should actually read the thread before wading in to defend a domestic abuser. Fucks sake.

Though you'll probably be back to say that jealousy is normal, he sounds like a good dad, etc, and completely minimise his abusive behaviour. Your posts are disgraceful considering the OP was desperate for someone to agree with her 'D'H and to cling on to that one opinion.

Didn't she lie to impress him about her sexual past and about designing the tattoo? I too would feel jealous if my partner talked about how amazing his sex life was with his ex was?

DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance)

I barely made it past this. This is NOT normal. People don't have normal amounts of jealousy which is then used in arguments in the way you describe.
You were only dating 3 months when this happened, I actually can't believe you carried on dating someone who was this jealous and insecure so early on.

Every single one of your update posts just makes me wants to shake some sense into you, I can't understand why you cannot see how much he is gaslighting the absolute shit out of you!

I've never read something so toxic before. You can be great with kids/chores etc but to have this LITTLE respect and trust in your partner is diabolical. Being great with kids and the house doesn't make you a good husband or a good person.

Id say leave this abusive relationship but you need to seriously speak to someone professional about this.
You're being emotionally abused and coerced. He ONLY hits the walls you say? Nope, that's not normal either. Men don't hit walls when they're mad. Abusive men do. Don't wait for it to go from walls to you. As an outsider all I'm reading is how badly he has warped your view of what's normal. None of this is.

What kind of husband would risk losing 14 years of a happy relationship over one detail in one email!!!

DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah

My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly.

Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc.

Stop thinking this is -you-. It's 100% him.

last time I came across this, a young woman who stayed with us, she ended up afraid to mention anything to her bf, anxious, on medication and depressed. 3 months after the relationship ended she was off medication, no longer depressed; the anxiety will remain but is getting better.

Your husband is the problem, not you. 100%.

Looks like he is looking for an out. It's not even big enough to be upset over 14 years on, if you emailed him last week then yes. Tell him to grow up

I too would feel jealous if my partner talked about how amazing his sex life was with his ex was?

Would you, @Jenni92 MY DH and I have occasionally talked about previous relationships and neither of us is jealous about this. We've been together 23 years, too.

Out of interest, OP, are you suffering from anxiety and depression which requires medication?

Anyone who doesn’t think this is abusive/controlling behaviour is either an abuser themselves or has been conditioned by upbringing/religion etc to accept this treatment and try to ‘understand’ his behaviour and make excuses for it, victim blame. Then blame feminists etc for wrecking homes for calling this shit out because if the op doesn’t recognise it as abuse then it can’t be can’t it? We’re just putting evil ideas into her head init. Yep.