Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

[ithinkiveruinedmymarriage]

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

I suspect this is true.
Its desperately sad.

Like OP, I spent years putting huge amounts of emotional energy and time into trying to understand my H, thinking if I could understand I could find a way to make things better.

Thing is, he was not putting any time into trying to understand me. Or himself. , Because, like OP's H, he really didn't think he had a problem. That question was not even on his horizon.

There is no hope of things getting better for OP. Just more trying to hide the reality of her marriage from herself, and her family.

Your DH sounds unhinged.

If I'm honest my dad is unhinged. My mum has been with him for 53 years. She just has inordinate amounts of patience. Believe it or not we did have a happy childhood, just learnt to walk on a eggshells and what subjects to avoid.

OP, your husband is an abuser. He's bullying you. He's controlling you. He's intimidating you with his displays of anger. He's asserting his dominance over you. This is NOT a good partner and it is NOT your job to fix him.

it's hard for me not to question whether I am actually in the wrong or not if that makes sense.

OP, has anything anyone said on this thread made you realise you are absolutely, categorically NOT in the wrong? Can you accept he is?

Your OH sounds unhinged. It was 14 years ago and you'd only need together 3 months. For a normal person this would be a non-issue. I'm not sure he's as wonderful as you claim he is. Recurring jealousy over relationships that you had before you met, over 14 years is not healthy. I think some counselling is probably in order, there's quite a lot to unpack here.

I have never posted this before, but here goes.

LTB

You are worth a lot more.

And to clarify, you should seek counselling alone, not with him.

This sounds like my parents. Literally arguing for 25 years over a wedding cake issue during their marriage. This is really pathetic. This isn’t you it’s him. He needs to move on and live in the present or move on to live by himself. His choice.

Oh my god, I can’t believe what I’m reading. This isn’t normal in my opinion. It was a silly lie three months into a new relationship and 14 years ago!

I think the concern here is why this is a big deal to your DH, he obviously has some issues that need to be dealt with.

It’s not you that’s ruining the marriage, it’s him!

No, that assumption is wrong. I'm agnostic. I agree with divorce, it's there for a reason.

Build herself up? sounds a bit dramatic to me.

Therapists don't 'help you stay together' they work through the issues. If that means you end up staying together then that's that, if they separate that's that. You don't start with the end goal of the status of the relationship in mind and work to achieve that outcome. That would be inappropriate.

'Half decent' what does that even mean?

Are yous guys 12 or actual adults? Jeez 😒

Jesus Christ. What a non event.

I used to talk to my ex on the phone for months into my relationship with DH. Absolutely zero feelings there and given my DH is a secure adult, he couldn’t have given less of a shit.

Weird thing to puck a fight over — a 14 year old email.
BUT there’s always a reason for every behaviour, no matter how odd. I’d be looking at why he’s picked this argument and why he’s making it so huge. Does he want you to leave, or kick him out because he has another woman waiting for him ?

Pick a fight ffs

This is controlling behaviour and you must not allow it to continue. He is being completely unreasonable and there are enough responses on here to help you see this is the case.

only ever been physically abusive to the walls

This terrifies children and they will never forget it. If anything, they will be angry that they had to grow up living in fear.

I've read your updates now. You can't go anywhere you've been with an ex, with him. Dear fucking god, that is so abnormal!

You’re calling yourself a ‘liar’, as that’s what he calls you. Buy it sounds like you just told a white lie to try and placate him, when he was acting similarly annoying over the emails 14 years ago. Also there’s no such thing as ‘normal’ jealousy.

He s making a drama out of nothing. Absolutely nothing. A non existent email from 14yrs ago, no affair. A lie about your experience when you were in your 20s? No one's ever done that before...

What a load of baloney he's talking. He's insecure and jealous and clinging to this new 'info' as ammunition. He gets a kick of out making you beg for him.

You've done nothing wrong do not apologise, he needs to stop treating you like you've had an affair when he knows you haven't. I'd seriously consider a break and or couple's counselling. Do not beat yourself up over a platonic email from 14yrs ago, what about all the positive things you've done since??? Raising his kids??

OP this sounds so suffocating.
Please do not apologise for private emails you may/may not have sent 14 years ago when you were only weeks into a new relationship.

Your husband is a controlling nightmare.

I assume you aren’t going to listen to me any more than anyone else but you are married to a deranged, controlling, violent (yes, ‘just’ punching walls counts) nut job and you and your children need to get the hell out of there, preferably asap but if you have to wait to get your ducks in a row, after calling the police next time he goes crazy and starts punching the walls to get the domestic violence on record.

If you won’t do it for yourself, think of your children.

Does anyone remember the thread about the man who read in his new girlfriend's diary about using a condom and has been harassing her for 13 years about it?
This reminds me of that.

Your thread title implies a big catastrophe. Nothing to explain here.You’ve down nowt wrong
your dh is the problem

This sounds completely exhausting. How do either of you have the energy to continue this relationship?

He’s making his problem your problem and you are weirdly colluding in it instead of telling not to be such a weirdo. Does he have friends? Tell them what you wrote in your op - they will think the same as literally everyone on this thread.

He genuinely believes I've done something heinous with that email (and "lie") so it's hard for me not to question whether I am actually in the wrong or not if that makes sense.

He is MANIPULATING you to think this!

Punching walls??!!!! Wake up, please do.

You probably missed a previous poster urging you to read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. Even if you choose to ignore all the other useful advice in this thread, PLEASE do read this. It's available as a free PDF online.

And perhaps Google boiling frog