Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

[ithinkiveruinedmymarriage]

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

You're right: Jealousy is a 'normal' emotion, just as is anger, it's what you do with that matters.

While 'punching a hole in the wall' is an indication that he cannot necessarily control his anger in the most appropriate way. I still wouldn't go as far as label him a domestic abuser.

She didn't lie about the tattoo?

She talked up her experience a bit because she was presumably young and immature. Doesn't say anywhere that she was specifically talking about her ex, her husband just jumped to conclusions.

The important point here is that it was 14 years ago and they were only together a couple of months at the time.

Why on earth do you think it's justifiable to make an issue of something so minor, 14 years after the fact?

You have a DH problem, how ridiculous to be jealous over something from 14yrs ago. If he cannot trust you then he needs to seek help not take it out on you!

While 'punching a hole in the wall' is an indication that he cannot necessarily control his anger in the most appropriate way. I still wouldn't go as far as label him a domestic abuser.

How would you label him then, @Jenni92 ?

No, jealousy (particularly to this extent) is NOT normal in a healthy relationship. If you think it is, your thinking is skewed and you need some help yourself.

When we are young and immature we don't understand the impact that small white lies can have. Any type of lie Because it indicates an individual has lied and can lie and again.

Why are you dismissing the fact that the isolated incident gives him the right to be upset or disappointed. It doesn't matter if it was a day into the relationship.

I am trying to imagine growing up in a household where the father punches the walls....

A father that does that is not a good father.

Came on to say this. He either wants an out, or is looking for something to beat you with. Neither is a good omen. Sorry OP.

How to say you’re overly jealously possessive , with out saying you’re overly jealously possessive

If he's still angry over a friendly email,14 years later then its definitely him thats the problem. This isn't a reasonable response at all.

Normal is subjective and I bet everything I own you are not a psychologist, counsellor, therapist, psychotherapist (Not even a life coach at best).

To the OP if you are concerned about DV please do reach out to a service:

www.healthline.com/health/punching-holes-in-wall#anger-issues

Stop victim blaming.

You are the only person amongst hundreds of responses who thinks his reaction is not extreme.

There's not one person on the planet who has been 100% honest 100% of the time, not even you. We're all human.

OP has not cheated or done anything to warrant this level of aggression. Her 'lie' is so insignificant in the eyes of any normal person.

Why are you dismissing the fact that the isolated incident gives him the right to be upset or disappointed

For fourteen years?

Christ, this is so depressing. The second thread in a couple of days where the abuse apologists pile in and tell the OP she needs to understand the poor hard done by partner who can't help hitting his wife or emotionally abusing her for years. Anyone said yet that maybe he has a brain tumour and OP should take him to the doctor?

Not victim blaming.

So if 100 people jump of a bridge you going to...?

Just because we all lie doesn't make it right and doesn't mean there aren't consequences.

I can agree that for some people his reaction might seem an 'overreaction' but even then some people leave relationships due to cheating some don't everyone is different.

Hmm i bet he doesn’t go around punching holes in walls at work ffs.
Just in front of what he perceives as the weak party.

I’m interested to know what you would call domestic abuse, because it’s all very textbook on here so i’m wondering what ‘definition’ you are going by.

Or is it just the old school beatings, but then many people will deny that as abuse in some circles and will say beatings aren’t necessarily abusive if she made him angry.

Times change, as we progress as a civilised society we refuse to accept certain behaviours as ok.

It’s strange you haven’t adopted this way of thinking.

I wonder why.
She clearly said he’s been like this throughout the relationship, she’s highlighted only one thing that she thinks is problematic.
You don’t think other incidents have happened later on that have kept her in her place but as she’s been broken down she doesn’t even recognise it as being wrong as he’s done a right number on her to make it seem it’s her fault.
It’s not rocket science really.

and I wonder if you were going to post a link, why you haven’t posted a link to women’s aid etc to help OP but some random link about anger to help her with Dv? How is that helpful? So she sees it’s all justified. Your advice is very dangerous. Like I said I bet he doesn’t lose control at work and in front of others.

You seriously think a counsellor would advocate the husband's point of in this?? You really haven't a clue.

The reason so many posters are advising the OP to get therapy is so that she can recognise the fact that she's in an abusive relationship.

You have a very weak marriage if this little, unimportant detail can break it

I just wanted to reply to provide an alternative perspective, as I have been your husband in this situation. I used to feel sick with jealousy about my husband's past – I used to spiral into anxiety about anything that had the merest suggestion of his ex: the mention of a movie they had seen together, a place they had visited etc... I didn't want to do it, and I knew I was making my husband miserable. I made him fear me and my reactions, and I hated it, but I couldn't help it. Like you, I think he has also mildly exaggerated his past.

It came from a dark place within myself, not that that's an excuse. Have you googled retroactive jealousy? It's a thing and there are some good resources out there. I also had therapy, which helped massively. And with endless patience and love from my husband, I overcame it. I don't want to make excuses for your husband, as I don't make any for myself, but just thought it might be helpful to hear it from the other side – and see that it can have a happy ending!

Normal is subjective and I bet everything I own you are not a psychologist, counsellor, therapist, psychotherapist (Not even a life coach at best)

And I really hope you're not.

Your husband sounds like a right prick, who on earth would be going on about an ex boyfriend you've had nothing to do with for 14 years? It's weird, very weird. I've been with my husband for nearly 18 years and married for 7, I honestly couldn't care less who he previously dated and I have no interest in who he emailed 3 months into our relationship, to be honest I'd have no interest in a boring exchange with an ex gf now. Meh I'm not insecure.

This is extremely controlling possessive behaviour, not normal or healthy.

This is dreadful advice.

OP don’t listen to this absolute bull.

You won’t have a happy ending with this man. You won’t. He’s abusive.

I can bet you everything I own there would be counsellors who would work with them and not suggest she leave immediately (unless he is actually demonstrating DV towards her and the kids)

Maybe they might suggest anger management? who knows. I can tell you who doesn't, you, because you are not a counsellor.

If the OP is in a abusive relationship then I hope she does seek help whether that be from family, friends or professionally.

He need's counselling for his insecurities and jealousy issues. If my husband was causing all this over something that happened 14 years ago I'd be telling him to grow up or get out. Honestly who needs that kind of drama. Good luck

You know absolutely nothing about me.

I can see you for exactly what you are though.

Basically this

This is insane