Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

[ithinkiveruinedmymarriage]

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

[Theunamedcat]

Ummmm seems like you traded one type of abuse for another this should be no big deal no way do nice people explode about literally nothing because that's what this email is nothing there is no emotional affair no physical affair NOTHING you shouldn't have to "prove" things after FOURTEEN YEARS

[MrsDanversGlidesAgain]

Weel, I only scanned that but it sounds to me like you went from one controlling arsehole to another one. FOURTEEN YEARS after something happened and he's losing his shit over what was or wasn't in an email and that you might have had a less adventurous sex life pre partner than you made out?

I'm sure you'll get some very good advice from other mumsnetters but jeez, there are days when being single looks better and better.

[JustFrustrated]

.....you've done nothing wrong.

You've jumped from one controlling relationship to another.

Why on earth shouldn't you have emailed your ex back? And after such a short amount of time with your then bf, now DH, you had no need to wax lyrical about how amazing he is

Your DH is a) wildly insecure, b)deeply controlling and c)needs therapy to deal with his issues over a small thing that happened 14 years ago.

Yes, lying about your previous experience wasn't great....but most people will have done. And it doesn't matter what you have done in previous sexual relationships, this a)has no baring in you sexually now, and b)does not mean you need to do anything like it with your current partner.

I may have previously enjoyed orgies and pegging men, it doesn't mean I'm under some kind of obligation to do this with my DH now. (I don't, and never have, it's just the only example I can think of)

I'd lay my last pound on your DH having far worse to hide.

[OrlandointheWilderness]

Eh!?! This is FOURTEEN YEARS ago!! You've created an entire life with someone for a decade and a half, who the hell does he think he is to be dismissing all you have together with a tantrum about a stupid bloody email!?! Which was nothing wrong in the first place!
Tell him he is behaving like an absolute tool from me. Your real, tangible life together is worth so much more than the shadow of an ex years ago.

[MassiveSalad22]

Your DH sounds crazy, it’s not you!

[Shesasuperfreak]

Oh my. You had a past before you met him and that is something he needs to accept.

You had a previous controlling relationship and it seems that you jumped into another one. I cant believe you went back to emails 14 years ago to prove a point.

He seems to have abandonment issues if he believes that you are keeping the ex on the back burner because you didn't mention a 3 month relationship to him at the time.

You have been with him for 14 years. What morenproof does he need that you chose him and that you are loyal to him.

I would say I dont care if you believe me. I had a past before you and that is something you need to deal with and you cannot hold it against me. I'm not dredging up old emails anymore and I have nothing to prove to you.

[MrsDanversGlidesAgain]

who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

No-one and nothing is perfect in every way.

[user1471465329]

Your "D"H is ridiculous. 14 years of marriage with you and he's harping on about some email to an ex that you barely remember from before your engagement?

He has big issues and they're nothing to do with your ex.

[Candleabra]

Wow your husband sounds unhinged. Jealous and abusive. I bet the reason things are so “perfect” with him is that you haven’t put a foot wrong in 14 years and done everything he says. This isn’t a normal way to live.

[Walkwithmetonight]

Op - what you’ve written is insane. Who on earth even has the energy to be annoyed about something that happened 14 years ago?! He needs therapy to sort out his jealousy issues - it’s not normal.

[Yahyahs22]

That's mad. He has absolutely no right to behave like that over something that happened 14 bloody years ago. The fact you think any type of jealousy is normal shows me you've got too used to being controlled. Put your foot down and don't take his shit, it's HIS problem, not yours. You've done nothing wrong.

[AriettyHomily]

This is insane.

[EddieHowesBlackandWhiteArmy]

Yeah your DH is an asshole. You e done nothing wrong. And weren't doing anything wrong back then either. It is not normal to have to search for an email convo more than a decade ago to ‘prove’ something to your DH.

[Slothmomma]

I would be questioning why he is playing this like this and painting you as rhe bad guy, untrustworthy etc - it would lead me to think he was shifting his own guilty conscience

[ShellsOnTheBeach]

Your current marriage is happy just as long as you let him control you...

[Newwardrobe]

So your husband is basically dismissing the fact that you have been together and happy for 14 YEARS .
Hes being utterly ridiculous and in my opinion there's something that he's done wrong about to come to light.

[MrsDanversGlidesAgain]

I'm always deeply suspicious about the OPs who explode with 'you've been lying to me all these years! I can never trust you again!' I ask myself what it is they might be projecting.

[Fizzadora]

Ultimatum time OP.
Tell him to grow up or piss off.

[ThanksAntsThants]

Sounds like an excuse to me. Who’d dig up a nonevent from ancient history otherwise? What’s he got to hide/about to drop that he wants to make your fault I wonder?

[SallyWD]

I'm sorry but your husband doesn't sound incredible and amazing at all. He sounds jealous, controlling and unhinged. I'd run a mile.

[MoanySloney]

Not gonna lie I didn't read to the end. There's no point.

The fact that your partner cannot let something from 14 years ago lie is a whopping grest big red flag. I've been with my DH for a long time. Lots of stuff has happened in that time on both sides. It doesn't ever get discussed because we have moved on and past it.

[Sausagelove]

You should never indulge this ridiculous conversation ever again.

If he doesn’t trust you, he can leave.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance).

Youve been together for 14 years, built a life together, had children together your past relationships are very far in the past - jealousy over relationships that ended 14 years ago isn’t remotely normal, his reassurance should come from your 14 year relationship.

He’s being abusive, holding your past over you and using that to create conflict and tension that isn’t needed. You’ve done nothing wrong here - and even if you had, him exploding over it isn’t an appropriate response.

[Stewball01]

Don't let him push you about. I've got one of those.

[Dacadactyl]

@Sausagelove

You should never indulge this ridiculous conversation ever again.

If he doesn’t trust you, he can leave.

This