Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

[ithinkiveruinedmymarriage]

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

"............it's like he can't accept my love and loyalty to him. I dunno...! I feel so deflated"

Look, OP. I mean this kindly. No good husband causes his wife such misery over something so utterly trivial.

@lightand I've only been lying the same lies if that makes sense. I've stuck to my story of mentioning him in the email to my ex (I either said it at some other point or lied and believed my own lie) and same with sticking to the lies about a glorified sexual past because I couldn't remember what I had or hadn't originally told him. No other lies. All sounds so pathetic saying it out loud!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

Your husband sounds unhinged, and you sound like you've let him control the narrative over this miniscule incident 14 years ago.

You have nothing to put right. But he is far far far from being perfect.

It was a long time ago, he needs to get over it.

Sometimes I feel like he's wanting me to turn round and say fine I cheated on you so he can say "ha I was right" – it's like he can't accept my love and loyalty to him. I dunno...! I feel so deflated

OP is that something you think a genuinely good husband and father would do?

He has you feeling like you have to toe his line and accept his anger and jealousy or he can accuse you of all sorts - and presumably threaten to leave you?

This is extremely abusive.
Your husband is and has been abusing you since you met.

Nothing you have done warrants this.
Nothing you do will be enough to stop it - except leaving.

Jealousy as an emotion is normal. Jealousy as a tool to abuse and control is not.

He is not a good man, a good husband or a good father.

Just because he believes what he's saying doesn't make it any less crazy and controlling. This is how abusive and controlling men get away with it - their partners can't and don't see them as purposefully controlling/abusive.

But it doesn't matter if he's behaving this way because he's damaged and traumatised and really believes it. It's not rational. And you are getting sucked in.

I'm so sorry that you've lived like this for 14 years so you think his behaviour is normal or acceptable. It isn't. But I suspect you'll find that really hard to believe.

it's genuinely blown out of proportion in his mind into something horrific and to him it does come with the feelings of hurt and betrayal so in that sense he does think I'm in the wrong because I'm the one responsible for causing him those feelings.

Where is his responsibility in this? For carrying his baggage into your relationship, for blowing something out of all proportion, for seeking help for his insecurities, for creating a safe, loving environment for you and your children, for actively working on himself, for recognising his feelings are not fact and not taking them out on you?

If your husband thinks a silly non compromising email from an ex boyfriend while you guys were dating is more important than 14 years of happy, children and faithful marriage to you HE has a problem (not you). I would shut him of and tell him you don't want to hear any of this nonsense ever again and tell him to do one. Tell him you don't want to engage in this ridiculous conversation ever again. end of the story. Your husband doesn't sound amazing, he sounds like a controlling, jealous and insecure twat.

He’s probably cheating and looking for a way out.

Jealousy usually comes from a place of insecurity, though, not projection. My wife used to do the exact same thing, despite neither of us being tempted by others (ever); this sort of behaviour isn't gender-specific, despite a desire to make it so.

I'm not saying I'm 100% definitely right here, just...to my mind, the more assumptions you have to make beyond what's been given, the less likely it is to be the case.

Sadly this :(

Blimey darling, you really can't see how abusive he is?

This is how abusive and controlling men get away with it - their partners can't and don't see them as purposefully controlling/abusive

Exactly. Like the OP they rationalise it - 'oh he has been lied to and betrayed before he met me and he has abandonment issues, no wonder I walk on eggshells around him.' Being very cynical, some people find those issues very handy things to have when it comes to controlling the people around them for years.

If your past 14 years are as good as you say, DH just needs a few days to get over himself.

There are no perfect spouses; not you and not him. Happiness is knowing you're not to blame for the other person's annoying imperfections.

Forgive him his greeneyed paranoia and he'll forgive you for having tattoo designs on another man.

Your husband is not amazing or incredible. It is sad if you think so. Controlling behaviour is never amazing.

THIS.
OP, you're NOT in the wrong. Everyone tells white lies early on in a relationship. He's being a sh*t and needs professional help to get past his issues. Or he's just plain emotionally abusive and lovely husband mask is starting to slip....

OP, please think carefully and be completely honest. In the last 14 years have you ever:

• decided not to do something (eg meet up with friends, attend a work event etc) because your DH would be upset and insecure about it?
• Avoided a person or a place because your DH would be upset and insecure?
• Bitten your tongue when you were about to tell him something about your day - eg that you saw a particular person or heard an interesting piece of information - for fear that he would get the wrong idea?
• Avoided challenging him on something you don't like because of the fall out when he responds?

Because everything you're saying suggests that he's been using his "insecurity" and "abandonment" issues as a way to control you for a very long time.

If he has hung onto this for 14 years, he'll never let it go. Absolutely madness that he is reacting to what you didn't add to an email (when you were only dating each other at the time!)

I've yet to read all your updates but he needs help. Not you, HIM!

I think that if you are wanting this relationship to thrive (survive?) then having some sessions with a couples counsellor could really help with working this through and finding some perspective

This is the shit you do and say at age 15. I can’t believe adults can make this amount of fuss over something like that. Absolutely flabbergasted, a marriage rocked because of an innocent reply OVER DECADE AGO good Lord. I wish that was my only problem. Your DH sounds emotionally abusive and insecure.

OP also, he's been in a loving, committed relationship and marriage with the same person for the last 14 years...and he's still hung up on being cheated on by his ex? How long was he with this ex for? How long was the gap between the ex and you?

If you're not enough for him now, you never will be.

All sounds so pathetic saying it out loud!!

Because it is pathetic, OP.

It isn't something that a normal, healthy individual would berate their life partner about. Your husband is being abusive and you're agreeing with him that the problem is YOU when it really, really isn't.

He is not a perfect husband at all. He has got you where he wants you IMO.

He sounds like he has an insecure attachment style - in other words this is not you, it's him. I have the same - it is my problem and I go out of my way to make sure it doesn't impact on anyone else, especially my DP. He really needs to get to know himself better and why he is reacting the way he is because even though you feel terrible now, if he keeps it up you will get sick of it and start resenting him.

You must feel like crap. To believe that he honestly wants you to tell him you have been cheating because it will prove him right when you know you haven't. You haven't cheated on him and sending an email to an ex 3 months into a new relationship is not on a list of terrible things humans can do. Come on OP, you know this. Advocate for yourself, no other bugger will!

You're fixating on anything other than the elephant in the room that everybody is shouting about.

Counselling sounds like a good idea, but just you, not your "DH" who has you thinking he's a victim. You can't see how abnormal this is.

You haven't done anything wrong! Your DH is the one with the massive jealousy problem, and you have bought into his narrative and believe you are to blame. This is ridiculous and controlling of him.

Your 'DH' is a psycho looking for an excuse to berate and control you.

You are not responsible for his insane paranoia.

Back slowly out the door, then turn and run.