Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

[ithinkiveruinedmymarriage]

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Why is he so hung up on this? I’d be questioning his own infidelity… often when abusers are cheating they will gaslight to make it seem like you’re cheating.

Wow, there are a lot of assumptions going on here.

I'm reasonably sure that there's nobody in this thread who hasn't experienced the insanity that can result on both sides from an argument that escalated out of all proportion to the inciting incident. That's exactly what this sounds like to me.

Without wishing to get roasted by everyone here, has anyone seen Bill Burr's "How Women Argue" routine? It's actually closer to "How the irrational argue" - and that's exactly what the husband's doing here. When someone's right, they argue the point. When they're wrong, they bring up all sorts of crap from the dim and distant past in an effort to concoct something that puts you on the back foot and that they can be right about. It's dumb, and it's entirely counter-productive, but it's not a sign of being controlling or abusive...it's human nature (near as I can tell).

You've already said that you felt a bit insecure at the beginning of the relationship, and I'm guessing you've mentioned that to him before. I'd probably just use that as an actually-reasonable-and-not-far-from-the-truth explanation (why else would you have said that in the first place?), when everything's calmed down a bit, and see where it goes.

Omg. Your husband sounds like a child. If 14 years doesn't earn you any trust then you really shouldn't be together anyway. He sounds extremely immature.

I don't mean this in a cruel way, but he is being pathetic.

It's 14 years ago, the fact that the two of you actually went to find/read an email from 14 years ago in the early days of your relationships. 7 years before you actually got married! And that the contents of what you neglected to say is hurting him? Because he remembered what you told him that was inaccurate 14 years ago?

It's lunacy. Don't fall for his "He's a poor broken man and it's my job to be perfect so he knows he's loved".

It's 100% his job to get over it.

this is just so massive in his mind.

Well, it shouldn't be, especially after 14 years. Why is he so insecure and unreasonable?

DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance).

There is nothing normal about any of this. You’re with a jealous, abusive, controlling man. He sounds awful.

Your DH is jealous and controlling - his behaviour is not normal. You come across as desperate to placate him in your posts. None of this sounds healthy.

It's dumb, and it's entirely counter-productive, but it's not a sign of being controlling or abusive...it's human nature (near as I can tell)

I'd say it's not NECESSARILY a sign of control or abuse, unless you've read the original post, in which OP says she's had to placate his jealousy on and off for 14 years. And a lot of us have experience of the sort of projection some men go in for when their heads have been turned; and it turns out there's a depressingly similar pattern that's just like what the OPs' DH is doing to her.

What a handy stick to beat you with, and you are taking it. Bet he is having a lovely time feeling all powerful with you cringing and apologising. You don't have to let anyone treat you like this.

My thoughts exactly.

Fucking hell. What a bloody carry on. 14 years for fucks sake. Tell him to do one.

Your DH is not amazing, he's a bit of a twat.

DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance).

Nope, not normal jealousy at all.

I think that's it kind of, it's genuinely blown out of proportion in his mind into something horrific and to him it does come with the feelings of hurt and betrayal so in that sense he does think I'm in the wrong because I'm the one responsible for causing him those feelings. Sometimes I feel like he's wanting me to turn round and say fine I cheated on you so he can say "ha I was right" – it's like he can't accept my love and loyalty to him. I dunno...! I feel so deflated.

My guess is he's been shagging around behind your back and this is an attempt to justify his behaviour to himself by making out you were dishonest first.

Got half way through and decided your h is just looking for a reason to go mental. And judging you by his own standards.

Have you been lying to him since at all?

Is there anything you have left out of this thread?

@xyhere I think that's it kind of, it's genuinely blown out of proportion in his mind into something horrific and to him it does come with the feelings of hurt and betrayal so in that sense he does think I'm in the wrong because I'm the one responsible for causing him those feelings. Sometimes I feel like he's wanting me to turn round and say fine I cheated on you so he can say "ha I was right" – it's like he can't accept my love and loyalty to him. I dunno...! I feel so deflated.

so in that sense he does think I'm in the wrong because I'm the one responsible for causing him those feelings

No, HE'S the one responsible for him having those feelings.

Maybe he is the one lying or hiding something.

You married a complete bellend!

Why are you even trying to justify some silly emails from 14 years ago? What you're supposed to have done wrong is so ridiculously pathetic it would be nuts if it happened last month let alone 14 years ago. Your DH is controlling and abusive - it's not normal for him to put your whole relationship and family at risk over such minor issues. It's unhinged.

Get some advice and support now OP. The fact that you even think you should have to justify what you did all those years ago is ridiculous and worrying. It makes me worry what other behaviour you are accepting that is completely unacceptable and abusive. I'd say he was behaving like a 7 year old if it wasn't so abusive.

Bingo - you are not responsible for his unreasonable reaction to your entirely reasonable behaviour.

I think you married a psycho and haven’t realized it yet.

How does he even remember 14 year old obviously innocent emails? Why is he torturing you over it?

There is something badly wrong with him. He sounds very scary to me.

I’ve been married 26 years. Let me tell you, his behavior is not normal.

I'm sorry but I can't even get past this

this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance

Most relationships don't have jealousy, let alone 'normal' jealousy. What is he normally jealous of? Does he check up on you when you're out with friends? Does he try and persuade you not to see certain friends (ie single friends or male friends)? Does he track your phone or anything like that?

If so, these aren't normal things.

I think the main issue now is that I lied to him so how does he know whether he can trust me with anything else I say or have said.

This is nonsense. You lied to him about something you said in an email 14 years ago. Since then you've married him, had his kids, and sounds like you've done his bidding. Of course he can trust you. He knows that. His problem is that he needs to control you. And finding out about these insignificant lies shows him that he never had the complete control over you that he assumed he had. That's what the jealousy is about, btw. It's that he feels the need to keep you under complete control.

this aside he is genuinely the most devoted and loving husband/father but this is just so massive in his mind

If he's such a great guy then he'll understand that his behaviour is disgusting and instead of blaming you for his issues, he should be seeking urgent psychiatric help. Is he?

I would give him an ultimatum, OP. Tell him he needs to sort his shit out and get some help as having a meltdown over something so insignificant that happened a million years ago is not healthy. And if you can't say that to him, ask yourself why not?