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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I've destroyed my marriage and family because of a lie I told 14 years ago! HELP!!

544 replies

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 13:34

This is a long one so apologies in advance!! My DH and I have been together for 14 happy years, the last 7 of those married. He’s the most incredible and amazing person I’ve ever met and we have had the best fun and loving relationship I could have wished for plus now our amazing little family on top of all that. But, I think something I did 14 years ago may have just completely destroyed it all…..

3 months into our relationship (almost 14 years ago) I received an email from my ex containing friendly chat and asking me to design him a tattoo. I replied with equally friendly chat and said I’d design the tattoo. My memory is failing me with some of the details surrounding the event as it’s so long ago but my DH (bf at the time) was massively unimpressed when he found out I’d emailed him back – I said I’d replied with friendly chat and told my DH that moving forward I wouldn’t design the tattoo and wouldn’t reply to my ex again, and I stuck to my word. However, and this is the hazy area but a key point, I did tell my DH that I’d mentioned him to my ex in the email and said how amazing he was. DH seemed okay. Case dropped. We moved on continuing to be loved up and happy.

Fast forward 14 years…..still loved up and happy but….DH and I have a heated conversation, jealousy kicking in over my past and previous relationships (this has happened on and off over the past 14 years but not been a real issue, just normal jealousy needing some reassurance). Said email mentioned above comes into the conversation and he’s saying how can I believe you, how do I know you didn’t reply again blah blah blah. I said I’ll see if I can find the email and show it to you because I wanted to prove to him and make him feel better. Well what a can of worms that has opened up…….we found the email trail containing the friendly chat and showing no further follow-up, but no mention of me telling my ex about my DH, in fact no mention of him at all. My DH has absolutely flipped saying that I’ve lied to him and betrayed him and been completely dishonest which I think he’s within his rights to say and that I chose my ex over him as should never have emailed in the first place. But he’s also saying that I must have still had feelings for my ex, must have wanted to re-kindle something with him, the content was far too personal and friendly. He simply will not believe that this wasn’t the case however much I try to reassure him. And let me tell you, that absolutely was not the case – my ex was controlling to the extreme and made life hellish the majority of the time however the breakup, when I finally plucked up courage to leave him, was amicable and we did exchange sporadic messages as friends on and off in the following months. My DH is interpreting it completely wrong and the daft thing is that I feel like I only replied to my ex in the first place because of my own insecurities/jealousy over my DH’s past. It just all feels like such a mess over something that isn’t significant at all in my mind (although obviously the consequences are) but is HUGE in my DH’s mind and nothing I seem to say or do is fixing it. I have honestly believed for the last 14 years (as has he) that I said that in the email but it’s clearly not there in writing – I either bare face lied or it’s in some other correspondence that I have zero trace of…?! And the thing is, I don’t know which is true and will never know now!!!

Now is also probably a good point to mentioned the other issue I’ve caused, and there is a link – that I lied to my DH when we first got together – I was intimidated by his past and felt threatened by it which led to feeling insecure and jealous. So for some ridiculous reason I bigged up my past sex life up to something fairly extreme, stupid I know, but that’s all come back to bite recently too. I have now been completely honest with him about that and explained why I felt the need to glorify things but again, and again unsurprisingly, he doesn’t believe me and can’t take my word as the truth. Understandably he’s saying I’ve lied to him over the last 14 years and what else is a lie, how can he trust me etc. etc. The problem with telling him the “honest” bit here is that the past basically boils down to sex with the ex in the email above so DH is thinking I had some amazing sex life with my ex that I was trying to rekindle in the email. Aaaarghhh!!!!

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve done this, I can’t sleep and it’s making me feel ill. How can I ever put this right if my DH won’t believe me when I explain my feelings for him and how amazing he is and how happy and in love I am with him. I don’t want this to destroy my marriage and my family who are all perfect in every way!! What have I done!!!

OP posts:
TheOGCCL · 13/12/2022 14:12

AriettyHomily · 13/12/2022 13:45

This is insane.

It really is. Surely it’s your behaviour and attitude over the last fourteen years that counts for way more.

treaclepumpkin · 13/12/2022 14:12

Theunamedcat · 13/12/2022 13:38

Ummmm seems like you traded one type of abuse for another this should be no big deal no way do nice people explode about literally nothing because that's what this email is nothing there is no emotional affair no physical affair NOTHING you shouldn't have to "prove" things after FOURTEEN YEARS

This!!!

LadyOfTheCanyon · 13/12/2022 14:12

OP sit down and re read your post again in the light of what everyone has told you so far. Pretend it's someone else telling you their problem, if that helps.

You've swapped one controlling relationship for another, and the fact that you can't see this 14 years after the fact means that your husband has done an absolute number on you if you can't see it.

MyAutocorrectWishesMeDeaj · 13/12/2022 14:12

My god, your DH is being insane and controlling and plain bloody awful. You are with another controlling arse.

He owes you an apology.

Stop, stop, STOP acting as if you‘ve “lied” when at worst you forgot. Urgh.

ScotlandEuropa · 13/12/2022 14:13

Find your spine OP.

Janieread · 13/12/2022 14:13

My dh and I had lunch with my ex at the weekend. In fact,I'm still friendly with (almost!) all of my exes. Dh doesn't give it a second thought, because he's an emotionally mature adult.

StarDolphins · 13/12/2022 14:14

he sounds like a Potty Pete!

By your title I was expecting a whopping lie! Like you had a secret child!

14 years over something so small & he’s reacting like this!!!!I wouldn’t even be listening, how is he even jealous after 1) a small lie & 2) 14 YEARS!!!

stop reassuring him & tell him to stop being ridiculous & you don’t want another word said in it!

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 13/12/2022 14:15

Fucking hell your husband is absolutely nuts. I'm guessing that we probably wouldn't consider those "normal jealousy issues" particularly normal either if you told us about them.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/12/2022 14:15

I get it from his point of view because he has been cheated on in past relationships and his dad abandoned him as a child so of course he's going to have issues with insecurity and abandonment

Oh God, that old one. I had that as well - 'my previous wife cheated on me, I can never trust anyone ever again!' Like a twit (I was young and MN didn't exist) I stuck around to 'prove' I could be trusted. Funnily enough it turned out he was the one that wasn't trustworthy.

OP - my father died when I was 13. I don't use that as an excuse to be an abusive shit. Your DH has had 14 years and more to sort out these issues and he hasn't. Perhaps that's because they're very useful for bringing you into line.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 13/12/2022 14:15

His behaviour is not normal. Your belief you’ve done something wrong is baffling. The fact he wanted to see emails from 14 years ago and you thought that was reasonable demonstrates just how toxic your relationship is. I’m sorry op, I really hope you can see this in time.

picklemewalnuts · 13/12/2022 14:15

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 14:11

Thanks everyone for your replies. I don't think it's so much an issue that the email was sent although that has caused an issue. I think the main issue now is that I lied to him so how does he know whether he can trust me with anything else I say or have said. I get it from his point of view because he has been cheated on in past relationships and his dad abandoned him as a child so of course he's going to have issues with insecurity and abandonment, that's not his fault. I think maybe we do need to seek some counselling because this aside he is genuinely the most devoted and loving husband/father but this is just so massive in his mind. What a mess! 😥

You haven't lied to him.

Some details of what happened 14 years ago are blurry. Time does that.

He has a sad history, people do. They can seek help to come to terms with it. People do.

Right now, his behaviour is abusive. Not what happened 14 years ago, not what happened when he was a child, right now, to you. Tell him it stops. He seeks help and it stops. Now.

NoSquirrels · 13/12/2022 14:15

Oh dear god, OP, just tell him to fuck off. And tell him to seek counselling- you don’t need to.

just normal jealousy needing some reassurance

What even is this?

You don’t need to apologise to him. He can choose to trust you or choose not to. Stop begging for his approval.

skippy67 · 13/12/2022 14:15

OP, I think you need the replies you've had properly. You're not the problem here, your DH is. He needs to seek counselling on his own. He sounds absolutely exhausting.

ActionThisDay · 13/12/2022 14:16

I get it from his point of view because he has been cheated on in past relationships and his dad abandoned him as a child so of course he's going to have issues with insecurity and abandonment, that's not his fault.

Might not be his fault that he was cheated on but it absolutely is his fault if he's using this as an excuse for controlling and abusing you.

MsMarch · 13/12/2022 14:16

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 14:11

Thanks everyone for your replies. I don't think it's so much an issue that the email was sent although that has caused an issue. I think the main issue now is that I lied to him so how does he know whether he can trust me with anything else I say or have said. I get it from his point of view because he has been cheated on in past relationships and his dad abandoned him as a child so of course he's going to have issues with insecurity and abandonment, that's not his fault. I think maybe we do need to seek some counselling because this aside he is genuinely the most devoted and loving husband/father but this is just so massive in his mind. What a mess! 😥

But it's complete rubbish. You didn't cheat on him. And if you told a few white lies three months into the relationship... when he was behaving like a crazy jealous boyfriend because you had an email exchange with an ex .... that is meaningless in the bigger scheme of things.

He's just saying he doesn't know if he can believe anything else as a way to ensure you think you're the bad guy and feel obligated to do whatever he wants.

Also, his insecurity and abandonment issues are NOT your problem. They are HIS problem to sort out. He should seek some therapy.

Noodlehen · 13/12/2022 14:16

I may be pre menstrual but it made me cry how much you’re blaming yourself over this. To echo PP you have done NOTHING wrong. Tell your husband to get over it or to get to fuck. How dare he treat you like that, he sounds like he needs professional help.

WednesdayFridayAddams · 13/12/2022 14:16

Your update is just making excuses for his behaviour.
Why is he so insecure and jealous that you weren’t allowed to email an ex in the first place?

sjxoxo · 13/12/2022 14:17

I think he’s majorly over reacted here by about X10000000. Why is he freaking out about it?? It seems like absolutely nothing to me. Is he looking for an excuse to fight with you? Makes no sense why his reaction is so Huge to something so minor. You’ve done nothing wrong here.. something else going on imo. Xxx

Cwcwbird · 13/12/2022 14:17

But by your own admission you don't even know if you have lied? You just didn't mention him in the emails. My god, people misremember conversations all the time. That's not lying. I think you need to take your Everything is Perfect!! blinkers off and take a closer look at how he treats you.

SafferUpNorth · 13/12/2022 14:17

ithinkiveruinedmymarriage · 13/12/2022 14:11

Thanks everyone for your replies. I don't think it's so much an issue that the email was sent although that has caused an issue. I think the main issue now is that I lied to him so how does he know whether he can trust me with anything else I say or have said. I get it from his point of view because he has been cheated on in past relationships and his dad abandoned him as a child so of course he's going to have issues with insecurity and abandonment, that's not his fault. I think maybe we do need to seek some counselling because this aside he is genuinely the most devoted and loving husband/father but this is just so massive in his mind. What a mess! 😥

His issues of abandoment and insecurity are just that - HIS ISSUES to get past. He's obsessing about MINOR DETAILS that happened 14 years ago - water under the bridge. The fact that he's lashing out and blaming you, saying he can never trust you again, is truly toxic. He needs help.

lapasion · 13/12/2022 14:17

Slothmomma · 13/12/2022 13:45

I would be questioning why he is playing this like this and painting you as rhe bad guy, untrustworthy etc - it would lead me to think he was shifting his own guilty conscience

Oh absolutely. I wonder if he’s done something or is planning to do something, and in order to justify it, he’s dragged something up from well in the past.

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/12/2022 14:18

I get it from his point of view because he has been cheated on in past relationships and his dad abandoned him as a child so of course he's going to have issues with insecurity and abandonment, that's not his fault.

We all have shit to deal with from our past, as adults it’s our responsibility to take steps to address that through therapy, self development etc. If we don’t then it very much is our fault when we let that past intrude on our current relationships.

If he had sat you down and explained his feelings calmly, acknowledged that it was bringing up stuff from his past and committed to working on himself, I’d think he was being reasonable. But that’s not what happened here.

magma32 · 13/12/2022 14:18

So you went from one abusive relationship to another? He sounds awful, really awful and I can’t believe you think he is wonderful, how low must have your bar been after your ex. You have not done anything wrong really. None of that should have a bearing now. It seems he’s got something else going on, maybe he’s projecting, it doesn’t seem normal and it’s not behaviour I’d be putting up with. You sound so scared of him. He must have been chipping away at you for years without you realising.

CKL987 · 13/12/2022 14:18

Omg I am pretty sure my DH will have lied about some stuff like that at the start of our relationship and I probably did the same. People do because they don't feel 100% safe and secure in a new relationship and there are some things that are nobody's business yet. We've been together about the same as you and if I found out about a lie like that I'd give zero f's. This is absolutely ridiculous and you should not be defending your DH.
You should go to couples therapy and see what they say. They might point out a few home truths.

Cherrysoup · 13/12/2022 14:18

wtaf am I reading? 14 years ago and he’s STILL banging about something so minor? Tell him to get over himself, he is risking 14 years of a relationship over something terribly minor. Plus, you didn’t lie, you genuinely thought you had said something.