My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

Thread title says "first" time. Implies there might be a second time.

Make sure it was the last time.

I can hear the disbelief and shock in your post, I recognise it

My ex-DH did similar to me, including the strangulation, and he also denied it and said he couldn't remember.

In hindsight, it's obvious he would deny it, to admit it means his whole self-image is destroyed. Also, there is the old narrative of "his word against mine" that plays out too - and if you want to look at something like game theory, it is actually a good tactic to deny it.

My only advice is to not be gas lit into believing it didn't happen, believing it was nothing / a misunderstanding, and remember very clearly that it did happen. I posted on MN with a very similar message to yours at the time it first happened to me (diff name) and I have occasionally gone back to that post and read the replies. Everyone who posted was right, they knew this meant the relationship was over - it took me a while to really let that sink in.

It is still shocking to me that my ex-dh behaved like that, I do hear you, but sometimes you have to deal with the facts in front of you. And they are that your husband is a violent man who cannot be trusted and you will never feel safe again.

It will be hard to leave him, but it will be hard to stay too. You have to pick your least worst hard.

Yes, leave him. It might be hard buy this is going to a bad place for you. I'd be terrified to be around him.

But they do have the right to state that this is an extremely wrong, ill-advised, and potentially dangerous place to write about it.

This thread isn't about this PP. It's about OP, who is in an extremely vulnerable and precarious situation.

Of all the irresponsible things to do.

@MonkeyBrain99 thank you

Even if I didn't think it was profoundly stupid of you to remain living with a violent man @Namechangeblabla, the OP's husband isn't horrified. He's pretending it never happened.

So not sure why you think your story is relevant.

She’s adamant “it won’t happen again” because it was years ago, and is trying to encourage OP who has JUST been on the receiving end of domestic violence that it may be a “one off”.

I’ve lost all sympathy for a “victim” who has allowed her children to be around a man for years who’s attempted to kill her. Putting your hands around someone’s throat/neck is attempted murder in my book.

Sorry, but it is fucking stupid. Really fucking stupid. She should have thought before she posted.

How is it going to help the OP. To consider staying? And end up dead next week? Or in a month or years time.

Christ.

She's being bullied and called stupid. It's not okay.

leave for sure, let the police know, let your family and friends know. If you feel you can't do it today, then spend time getting your important stuff together and planning where to go. Don't let him know what you are planning, the time when you are leaving is a dangerous time.

BECAUSE SHES GIVING OUT COMPLETE STUPID ADVICE TO A VULNERABLE AND SHOCKED WOMAN

What aren’t you comprehending here?!

So sorry to read this awful thing has happened to you op 💐 as hard as it will be you need to leave him asap. It's never just once sadly.

He hit you then denied it. That's him putting it all on you and fucking with your mind and emotions.

What a utter disgusting bastard.

Wishing you all the best op 💐

To everyone who is telling me I’m being irresponsible, in my opinion, telling someone you don’t know that their DH tried to kill them and they’ll definitely do it again and to ltb immediately is far more irresponsible. I’m not telling the op to do anything, I’m simply sharing my experience to indicate an alternative outcome. Information is power people, give the op info and allow her to make her own, informed, decision. Over and out.

You have to get as far away from him as you can.
Theres no excusing this or moving past this.

Only a tiny minority of men can address their issues that cause them to do this and reform, but it’s never ever the men like your DH who deny it happened and then promise they can simply control themselves for them not to attack again.

The quiet, placid ones like your husband are the most dangerous too, because they keep their anger in a box and then it explodes and they “see red.” You won’t have a clue it’s coming and as PPs have said it is no exaggeration that the next time could end with him murdering you.

If he were a man serious about bettering himself, he would have packed his bags and left straight away and be calling round to private psychiatrists and such to help him address and process whatever is causing him to have such anger. He would know he is not safe around you, and that the most loving thing he can do is to protect you by immediately leaving and getting his shit addressed. He would be telling you he is no good for you and for your own safety he needs to end the relationship. Even then, it would take years of therapy and living alone for them to be safe around women.

He hasn’t done this. He’s in full on deny, deny, deny and make vague assurances about it “not happening again.” He can’t keep this promise. There is no way he can. So you must leave and you need to know he is being selfish and unloving as he’s putting his desire to play happy families above your right to be safe.

So get out now. Leave tonight. Don’t go back. He’s not the type to even have a hope of changing, and he doesn’t even care enough about you to keep you out of danger.

Yes, victim. You're bullying a victim of DV.

It's well documented that abusers who put their hands on your neck are a higher risk for murdering you.

I'm sorry you experienced this level of violence from your husband. Yes, maybe a one off someone throwing something or slamming a door - we are all human and it happens. But actually putting your hands around someone's neck is a different level.

I assume your husband immediately called the police on himself or had himself sectioned and worked intensively on his mental health before reconciling with you. In OP's case, he's pretending it never happened.

Your situation is an outlier. 99 times out of a hundred, you would have gone on to more violence, but you were the exception. You really can't give advice to OP based on your experience.

There is nothing irresponsible about telling a woman to leave the man who tried to choke her. The risk is too high. There are only two outcomes - he may not do it again. Or he may kill her. That isn't a risk anyone should be encouraged to take.

How?

She clearly isn’t a victim since she’s adamant her H was horrified (UNLIKE THE OP’s) and it won’t happen again and is happy to allow her children to live under the same roof as him for YEARS!

Put your children willingly in danger when you know the risks you deserve to be called stupid IMO.

Don’t like it don’t read it.

The advice given upthread might well be well-meaning. I'm paying the compliment of assuming it is.

It's nonetheless completely inappropriate and irresponsible in this context, and I've reported that post. This is far from bullying. Posters are rightly horrified, and are pointing out precisely what can go wrong with such well-meant but potentially dangerous advice. This is what's not okay. The OP's safety is seriously compromised.

Albeit this is an anonymous online forum, people really need to think of the implications of what they are writing here. There are real people behind these screens.

How is a randomer’s experience ‘information’ let alone ‘powerful’ information?

No one knows you from Adam.

Please leave. He will definitely do it again and it will be worse.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks thank you! Some common sense prevails.

Exactly this.

The pp took a huge risk for herself and her children. Hopefully it won't ever happen again, but it was a massive risk to take.

It's irresponsible to say that because you took a risk and it was okay (so far) that the OP should take the same risk and just hope for the best.

Two things for you to google.

When was the last time someone was murdered by another person stamping their feet?

When was the last time a woman was strangled by her partner?

Please, @MonkeyBrain99, will you stop derailing a very serious thread.

Given what OP has posted above your behaviour is unconscionable. If you have no constructive advice to give OP, I'd recommend that you take it offscreen.

Totally inappropriate.

So he's not sorry he did it, doesn't remember doing it, but if you say it happened is willing to try not to let it happen again?

Sweetheart, run I'm so sorry.