My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

Please leave. He does remember. He's gaslighting you. He'll also 'not remember' the next time and all the times after that.

He's physically abused you, the person he vowed to love, cherish and respect. His word means nothing. It may be a while before the next hit comes ... but maybe next time he won't let go, or you hit your head, or you have DC and they witness, or its your DC he hits.

Leave now!

If you stay, you're basically saying that it's OK for him to hurt you.

And it's really really not.

Listen to your inner voice, and not his bullshit. You're worth more

You know what to do. You need to leave. The fact you have posted on here rather than doing that suggests that you are going to be yet another woman who makes a decision to be complicit in her own abuse.

Leave.
Do not have a child with this man.

Hi OP, I actually have a close friend who was in an almost identical situation, been with her DH for almost 15 years, never laid a finger on her, until during an argument he slapped her and pinned her by the throat, he did exactly as your husband had done, denied it, said he couldn’t remember and that he’d never do anything like that and wouldn’t happen again, they spent the next year or so in therapy trying to move on but the trust was gone, the next time he did it he attacked her so badly (also denied it again) she almost died, he used a weapon to bludgeon her and she had life changing injuries. She left him that time, moved on after giving herself time to heal and she is now with a wonderful man, had a child with him and is one of the happiest people I know, but life could have been very different for her.
You need to accept that a shift has happened, he has crossed a line and physically attacked you, your relationship is forever altered, you need to grieve for what you thought you had and move on from him. This is something that can’t be undone.

Best case you'll be living a life where you're always wondering if your partner will hit you

Worst case Dead

Best case if you leave you'll find a wonderful loving partner

Worst case Alive

LEAVE

My motivation is to give an alternative, reasonable and experienced viewpoint. Nothing more. Life is not black and white.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

My (f) best friend had a deep depression 30 years ago. One night her husband phoned me and I drove to their house to find he had barricaded himself in their kitchen and she was in the process of breaking the door down. She had beaten him black and blue and, yes, tried to choke him. She is 5 foot and he is a 6 footer, but he 'didn't want to hurt her' so didn't defend himself. My appearance at the front door snapped her out of it. I swear she would have killed him that night.

As soon as she gathered herself, she asked me to take her straight to A&E. I did, and they transferred her to a mental health ward, then a unit. She was treated for a few weeks and released, with ongoing help. They are still married and she has never laid a finger on him again. She had never assaulted anyone before or since.

They have been married 35 years now, with kids and grandkids. She still suffers with her MH, but knows the warning signs to up her meds and speak to the GP. I've known her since we were 5, so 47 years, and I've never known her hurt anyone. She has zero recollection of anything that night, until waking up on the ward the next day.

I say this because a snap is possible, HOWEVER, my friend immediately asked for help. To this day she cries when she speaks about it and it is the biggest regret of her life.

What is your husband doing? Has he beaten a path to the GP's door asking for immediate help. Has he taken himself to A&E? A black out is a serious medical issue.

I fully believe it is possible for anyone to act out of character once. I also believe that it is their actions afterwards that show whether it was really out of character or not. If your husband is truly going to do 'everything in his power' he needs to be DOING that now, not TELLING you. Actions, not words. If he's doing nothing, you have your answer.

It may be a one off but is that an excuse and is that enough to carry on with the relationship? For me it would be the end

(Hopefully) you would leave eventually anyway because he WILL do it again. I know you haven't expressed it but if you are worried about starting new with someone else and having kids, staying with him now will actually only delay you achieving a good partnership with someone else who you can safely have a family with. Leave now so you can get on with the rest of your life from tomorrow.

Oh, and I’m definitely not stupid and my husband did not try to kill me. If he had wanted to kill ne, he could have. Extremely easily. Please do not assume your opinion is the only correct one.

It's not reasonable to suggest a woman stays with a man who just tried to kill her.

Your husband tried to kill you and for whatever reason you decided to forgive him. You can take that risk for yourself I guess but to suggest another woman take that risk is wrong.

Some things are black and white.

"Seek the support of your friends and family - any sense of shame/embarrassment is his alone."

This, 100times over. You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed about.

If he didn't want to kill you, he wouldn't have pinned you to the ground with his hands around your neck. No one does that to someone they're not trying to kill.

He is showing you who he is. He always was a person capable of hitting his partner, he was just hiding it until now.

You have to leave him. There is no coming back from this. Putting his hand round your throat is a particularly bad sign. Leave before he does it again. He could kill you next time.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Tell your family and friends, you need and deserve their comfort and protection.
The shame and embarrassment belong entirely to the person who did it. Its

Tell him that YOU'VE TOLD EVERYONE he hit you, he grabbed your neck, and he then gaslighted you " it didn't happen" to deny and evade responsibility.

If you stay silent, you're colluding with his denial and covering up for him, which is exactly what he wants . First he lies it never happened; next he lies it'll never happen again.

If he knows you'll never tell, then he will do it again.

Sorry you're being targeted. You did what was right for you and it has turned out well. Nobody has the right to cancel or minimise your experience.

If he didn't remember hitting you there is no way he would promise not to do it again. He knows he has hit you and is gaslighing you.

Life is not black and white

What's not black and white about 'we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me'?

I mean, is there some nuance in the situation available to apologists for male violence that the rest of us are missing here?

It’s pretty fucking stupid though to tell a complete stranger on the internet (who is in a state of shock and in an awful vulnerable position) that she should take into account “it may be a one off”.

Well what if it isn’t a one off? Why the hell would you even say that to someone who has just been physically assaulted and gaslight.

You don’t even know that your situation is a one off. Your “D”H could do the same to your next week. It isn’t unlikely since he’s done it before.

The mind fucking boggles.

FWIW, I don't really care if 1 in 1000 men who do this never do it again (I'm pulling that figure from nowhere). The risk is too great - all of the research indicates that the risk is higher when an assault includes the airway. (See Monckton-Smith's work and the experience of PPs.)

I hope your friends and family are more compassionate than you believe them to be but you need to find a place of safety, particularly as your DH is denying a memory of it.

2 things:

1. He's done it once and he WILL do it again. and again. and again.
2. He 'doesnt' remember' but 'will do all in his power not to again' (wtaf?)

LEAVE !!! (or get him out if possible?)

You need to report this to the Police. Call Women's Aid too.

Of course he did. In that moment, he wanted to kill you. There is no other purpose for holding someone by the throat other than to cut off their ability to breathe. You should not be encouraging anyone to take the risk that this won't happen again. Very dangerous advice.

But calling a victim of domestic abuse, who has just shared her story, 'fucking stupid' is okay in your world, because her opinion doesn't match the groupthink? And you're not the only one on here too.

This is why women don't speak honestly about this stuff. Think before you post.

Don’t be ridiculous. I’m sorry if you’ve experienced violence, it sounds like you have. But not everything violent is attempted murder. Humans lose their tempers. We all do. I have. I expect you have. Sometimes temper manifests physically, like throwing something or stamping your feet. Occasionally it’s worse. But it can be a one off.