My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

Leave
Either he's lying about remembering, in which case he's a liar as well as an abuser. Or he's telling the truth in which case he is very mentally unwell and needs urgent medical help (and should be eager to get it - i know if i acted violently towards someone and then couldnt remember afterwards, i'd be straight on the phone to the Dr). Either way it's not safe for you to be around him.
I would reiterate calmly that he acted violently towards you and you need to leave for your own safety. Then leave.

The fact that her husband has denied that he slapped her is the biggest red flag in my opinion. His refusal to accept responsibility for his actions is the biggest indicator that he will do it again

No. There's nothing irresponsible about advising OP to leave a man who's just tried to kill her. Sorry to be so blunt, but putting your hands around someone's throat is attempted murder.

It's deeply irresponsible to suggest that because you took a massive risk with your own and your children's lives, that the OP should do the same. I understand there is probably a deep drive in you to justify your decision, since you must have overruled the part of yourself that loves and cares for yourself and your kids in order to stay with a man who could do such a thing to you. But you probably need to work that out in therapy, and not on MN threads.

He's not the person you thought he was.

I know it's awful but you simply must leave him, and absolutely never have a child with him.
What he has done is unforgiveable.
Tell your family and report it to the police as well to provide a history for the next poor woman he does it to. Which he will.
Also be aware you are at risk when he knows you are leaving him, so I would have family present.
I'm so sorry.

Look, the unfortunate things is that nobody is going to come on here and say this happened to me once and I ended up dead. Once again LEAVE.

Not exactly the same thing AT ALL @Namechangeblabla
YOUR husband owned his violence. Was horrified.

Your advice to hang on in there & hope he won't attack OP again is dangerous. Look at the Dr Monckton Smith links upthread.

OP's husband is simultanously denying it even happened, & making bullshit promises about doing "everything in his power" to not to do it again.

His "power" didn't stop him strangling his wife the first time, so why would it stop him a second?

He has taken zero responsibility. His stance is that this "just happened."
Even if this were true (it isn't) then HE ought to leave. Because he has no way of guaranteeing that this 'thing' won't 'happen to' him again.

This 'thing' he claims to have no recollection of.
How he can stop himself doing things he claims to have amnesia about, afterwards?
By his own lights, if he has no control over what 'happened' & no memory of doing it - he is too dangerous to be under the same roof as his wife.

If he had a shred of remorse, he'd have already moved out, in shame & misery, & would be accessing services to deal with his problem.
But he won't do that. He wants his wife to pretend it didn't happen.

He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me.

this is what chills me the most, women have been murdered and the killer has claimed to not recall what happened.

you truly have nothing to be ashamed and embarrassed about, it’s sadly more common than you realise and people will understand. I urge you to find the strength and courage to leave however tempting it is to talk yourself into the “easy” option of staying and keeping your fingers crossed it doesn’t happen again.

Death is though, innit.

@Namechangeblabla I apologise if my posts to you come off strong or are bullying in anyway.

I am not meaning to attack you but just feel completely and utterly horrified how someone with children would stay with someone who’s attacked them and then trying to give “advice” or a another “view point” to a vulnerable woman who’s in a state of shock who’s been recently assaulted and gaslight. It’s just not okay.

You know what you have to do, OP. Leave.

This was a very serious incident.

He says that he doesn’t remember it. So either:
(a) he is deliberately lying to gaslight you, or
(b) he has had a violent ‘blackout’ and is thus a very unstable and dangerous man who could kill you while out of control.

Please don’t consider having children with this man, if you do, his sons will grow up violent and his daughters will normalise violence and end up in nasty relationships.

You don’t have to have a big row about it. Work out where you are going to move to, work out your finances (if you have a joint account, maybe freeze it or take half), pack your stuff and leave while he’s out of the house, then tell him.

I’d report to the police so that they at least have a record of the allegation, and can see a pattern when he hits his next wife. 😭

IT'S TIME TO STOP MAKING A DISTRESSED OP'S THREAD ALL ABOUT YOU.

Seriously.
Stop it.

She didn’t call that poster ‘fucking stupid’, she said the action of that poster, essentially minimising the OP’s husband’s violent and potentially deadly attack on her was fucking stupid.

Read before you post.

Contact Women's Aid or your GP. This is domestic abuse and pretending to remember nothing about it is a classic trick. Sorry, but there is no point discussing it with him - I made this mistake for years. A domestic abuser has a skewed sense of his own importance and you're not going to change that no matter how often and how skilfully you discuss it with him.

Hey, don’t worry about me. I understand your motivation is to protect the op. But so is mine. I see I’m massively in the minority, but mn is really, really extreme. You’ll see I gave no advice other than for the op to assess her own situation. Mn can create panic. Care needs to be taken on all sides.

Until he kills you. That's pretty black and white.

OP, please don't listen to this. Even if it is a true and accurate telling of a real life - and abused women, as you know, usually downplay their experiences - it is vanishingly rare for a man to attack a woman, with hands to her throat, and never ever pose a risk again. He'll always pose a risk after that even if your luck holds out.

It's not a risk you can take. The overwhelming majority of violent men stay violent and change only to get worse. It's not worth the proposed reward of living with a man who has proven he is violent and then lies about it.

It's like blowing all your money and assets and then relying on winning the lottery. It's not impossible, but what are the odds?

You must get out and get out now. And I'm not accusing anyone of anything but do be very, very, very wary of anyone who encourages you to stay with a man who did this to you.

It's time to leave OP.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. You should feel no embarrassment or guilt. These were his actions and he has failed to own them. Even worse, he has tried to gaslight you about what he did.

There is a reason why criminal penalties for domestic abuse are high. There is a reason why penalties for domestic abuse involving strangulation attempts are even higher. You are at risk.

Please get yourself to a place of safety. Please don't keep this a secret.

Can you imagine the situation where your baby has been crying on and off for 24 hours. You both have had 2-3 hours sleep and are exhausted. This is the reality of a baby. You need to be in a strong relationship where you work as a team. 1 night of no sleep and a screaming baby and he could hit you or shake and kill the baby. This is a real possibility. Having a new baby is the hardest thing you will ever do. Please please if you are not in a position to leave do not keep trying to conceive!!!

You're gaslighting now. How can it possibly be protecting the OP to encourage her to do anything other than leave immediately? You're encouraging her to take a massive, massive risk with her life. Please stop now. You made an ill-considered post and really the best thing you can do is admit that your experience is not relevant here and step away.

Same here….it’s not just the slap and throat grab, it’s how he has reacted to it that just shoots the immediate risk to OP into orbit and puts her DH firmly in the category of men who cannot change and will continue with violence that will only escalate.

Look, the unfortunate things is that nobody is going to come on here and say this happened to me once and I ended up dead.

Exactly. This is why these absolute scumbags NEVER deserve a second chance. The risk is too big.

He has absolutely crossed a line and there is no going back on this.

The law was revised last year and non-fatal strangulation is now recognised for the serious and significant act it is. Domestic Abuse Act 2021.

You have to get away, regardless of how much you tell yourself it was a one-off. Having a child together won't solve anything; it will make things much worse.

Be aware that leaving a man is potentially a very dangerous situation and telling him can put you at extreme risk. Get support from a specialist DV agency (not a faith-based counselling service or similar, but a mainstream police-directed organisation).

This all sounds ridiculously dramatic, but this person you trusted has done the unimaginable and you cannot allow yourself to believe you are safe. I feel as though I'm trying to talk you out of a burning building!
Please. For your future and your life. Take action now.

Hey, don’t worry about me. I understand your motivation is to protect the op. But so is mine. I see I’m massively in the minority, but mn is really, really extreme. You’ll see I gave no advice other than for the op to assess her own situation. Mn can create panic. Care needs to be taken on all sides.

If you really cared about protecting the OP you would advise she leaves the man who tried to kill her. Men like this are scum and don't deserve the benefit of the doubt. The chances are he will do this again and next time he might succeed in killing her.

No, it isn't. Nobody who wants to protect a woman from a violent man encourages her to stay with him.

Assuming you are for real, your motivation is to justify your own decision to stay because you know what an indescribably dangerous thing it is to do. You're caught up in your own vortex here so I'm trying to be understanding, but not to the point of giving any validity whatsoever to your claim that you're trying to keep OP safe while you tell her to go back to a man who hits her, pins her by the throat and tells her it didn't happen. She needs to understand how serious it is even if you don't.

Your husband really is that big of a shit, he belongs in prison and while I hope your luck continues to hold, it is only luck. Some crocodiles haven't yet attacked a human, you still don't make pets of them.

OP, assuming this poster is for real, allow her to demonstrate to you just how much this can distort a person's worldview. Even if we are expected to believe that a wonderful man, who never did anything worrying before, grabbed his wife, knocked her down, pinned her by the throat and then went on to be wonderful and never do anything worrying again...even if we believe that, this poster still thinks that we are the "extreme" ones who aren't "taking care" because we say get the fuck away from that.

That's how difficult it can be to accept that your relationship is not loving, or at least not based on any kind of love worth having, and that your beloved really is a criminal bastard. That behaviour was a one off, we are the lunatics.

Women literally stake their lives on it. And they often lose.

Get out.

Hey, don’t worry about me.
But I do worry about you. You seem under the impression that the happy resolution of your husband's violent outburst was down to judgement, not luck.
Everybody here hopes you are right - but that's YOUR decision, & one you are talking about from a stance of several years post-incident non-recurrence.
OP is not in the same position as you - at all.
Her H is making NO attempts to find out why he did what he did. He won;t even properly admit is happened. You need to stop imagining that OP's situation is anything like yours.

I understand your motivation is to protect the op. But so is mine.
By encouraging her to stay with a man who either genuinely attacked his wife & can't remember doing so - or who DOES remember doing so, but is lying about it?
How exactly does that protect her?

I see I’m massively in the minority, but mn is really, really extreme.
On this issue, it most certainly is not.
Every DV expert would disagree with you.
Have you even bothered reading the Monckton Smith links?

You’ll see I gave no advice other than for the op to assess her own situation. Mn can create panic. Care needs to be taken on all sides.
When a man throttles a woman, other women advising her to flee are not the ones causing panic. I think you'll find it was the throttler who did that.

There are no SIDES.
OP didn't violently attack her H.
What do you mean - "care needs to be taken"? Because YOU reckon OP's marriage is more important than the clear & current risk to her life? That kind of care?

Look - I'm really pleased for you that you emerged relatively unscathed & now feel your marriage is strong & safe again.
But you seriously need to realise that in this - you are an outlier.
It is vanishingly unlikely for an incident of this type to be a one-off. Yours was, & that's great, for you. But suggesting OP takes the same gamble you did is insanity. Just look at the stats, read the experts, & see how unusual your own outcome was.