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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

604 replies

Louise33388 · 12/12/2022 13:12

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

OP posts:
sentientpuddle · 12/12/2022 14:30

As others have said, be very glad he showed you who he is before you had kids. Abuse often starts in pregnancy or after kids when your vulnerable and trapped.

Go to the police. This is very serious. Something happened to me in a relationship and it was the next day before I went to the police because I was so shocked & had overnight to think about it. I woke early the next day & I knew I had to speak to them. It seemed to get worse in my mind overnight.
You may find the same, once the shock wears off & the reality of how serious this is sinks in.

In the end I was glad my ex did what he did because it meant I had evidence, and I had professionals (police, G.P. etc.) to back me up. He could try to gaslight me but not them.

AuntieMaggie · 12/12/2022 14:30

Agree with all the advice to leave him here, nothing to add, but at the very least please tell someone in real life a friend or family member so that they can keep.an eye on you.

BellePeppa · 12/12/2022 14:30

Get out and get out now. You have no children (thank goodness) so don’t be shackled to a man who not only hit you but is denying it. Doing everything in his ‘power’ to not do it again - wtf?! Am I doing everything in my power to not serial kill random people, are you? I dare say you don’t need to muster up your power to not do it because it would never happen in the first place. Every violent action had a first time, this is yours.

viques · 12/12/2022 14:31

Well yes, it could be a one off, though strange he is denying it if it was a one off and he is so horrified at what he did that he would never do it again but can’t bring himself to apologise or even admit it..

On the other hand, I believe the statistic is that on average a woman is subjected to about 35 assaults from a partner before they tell anyone/ contact the police/leave. So statistically you could be in for a few more attacks ( if you survive ) before you do anything about it. Or leave.

Squamata · 12/12/2022 14:31

He didn't do it and it won't happen again? Yeah right.

I'd leave because your life should not end prematurely.

It's weird if he's shown no sign of abusive or controlling behaviour before now though, this is usually an escalation I think? Does he have particular stressors or a health condition or something? Some conditions make usually non violent people aggressive.

You should still leave him though.

sentientpuddle · 12/12/2022 14:33

*you're.

Don't forget there are people who are trained & paid to help you.

BeggyMitchell · 12/12/2022 14:34

viques · 12/12/2022 14:31

Well yes, it could be a one off, though strange he is denying it if it was a one off and he is so horrified at what he did that he would never do it again but can’t bring himself to apologise or even admit it..

On the other hand, I believe the statistic is that on average a woman is subjected to about 35 assaults from a partner before they tell anyone/ contact the police/leave. So statistically you could be in for a few more attacks ( if you survive ) before you do anything about it. Or leave.

To the point and worth reposting.

icegoose · 12/12/2022 14:35

This is well intentioned, I know, but moving out for "a few days" is not good advice. Maintaining a zero tolerance approach to violence and abuse in relationships is how you protect yourself from harm. Men who do this know exactly what they are doing and take advantage of the fact that power structures in heteronormative relationships are unequal.

I don't disagree with with a zero tolerance approach but I think if you are reluctant to leave permanently then leaving to think things through at least gives you breathing space to reflect.
Many women leave and return up to seven times before leaving permanently.
It is better to start the process than just accept it and stay at home.
If OP doesn't feel able to walk away completely from today then maybe visiting friends, talking it over and getting support from somewhere like Women's Aid will help start the process.

beastlyslumber · 12/12/2022 14:35

You definitely need to leave. But do it safely. Don't tell him you're leaving, just get out while he's at work. Take everything you need with you (birth cert, passport, bank accounts etc) and do not tell him where you are.

If he knows you're leaving he may well try to stop you. He's going to be scared of you going to the police. You absolutely should go to the police. But first, get out of there.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/12/2022 14:35

Dittosaw · 12/12/2022 14:12

So you are suggesting that OP gambles with her life because he might not attempt to murder her again?

How about OP reduces her chance of being murdered to zero by leaving?

Show quote history

Agree with the second poster.

You never, ever, suggest to any woman that she overlook this kind of behaviour. What the hell were you thinking?

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 12/12/2022 14:36

I suspect you posted here because deep down you know what you have to do. You have to leave him. If he’s done it once, he’ll do it again and it will be easier for him next time. He didn’t just hit you, he put a hand round your throat, and then tried to gaslight you by saying he doesn’t remember it. Of course he does, but if he doesn’t admit to it, it’s just hanging there isn’t it, and he can use it as a tool to control you, by making you too frightened to stand up for yourself. It will be easier to end the marriage now, while you don’t have children. The alternative is staying with a man who you will never trust again and he will end up abusing you, as well as any children you have with him. Please contact a domestic abuse charity or talk to your family. There is no excuse and no turning back once this has happened. I’m so sorry.

TaysideTeuchter · 12/12/2022 14:37

My aunt lost one of her friends to DV - this is a newspaper article about the case. I have to give everyone a trigger warning, because it was a particularly violent and brutal killing. It’s not an easy read.

www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/killer-roger-geddes-sold-home-1077297

Please pack your bags and leave before this man kills you.

💐

CathyBoardman · 12/12/2022 14:38

Leave him.

Now.

picklespark · 12/12/2022 14:38

icegoose · 12/12/2022 14:35

This is well intentioned, I know, but moving out for "a few days" is not good advice. Maintaining a zero tolerance approach to violence and abuse in relationships is how you protect yourself from harm. Men who do this know exactly what they are doing and take advantage of the fact that power structures in heteronormative relationships are unequal.

I don't disagree with with a zero tolerance approach but I think if you are reluctant to leave permanently then leaving to think things through at least gives you breathing space to reflect.
Many women leave and return up to seven times before leaving permanently.
It is better to start the process than just accept it and stay at home.
If OP doesn't feel able to walk away completely from today then maybe visiting friends, talking it over and getting support from somewhere like Women's Aid will help start the process.

I think we are in agreement here - perhaps you misunderstood some of my post.

I know it's not easy for people to leave and doing it permanently can take some sorting out, but the general spirit of what saying is that the ultimate goal would be to leave him permanently, so the first step is to move out safely. And moving back in is absolutely not an option.

"For a few days" implies that the poster should return to living with their abuser - I wanted to make it absolutely clear in this case, they shouldn't. There are no children to consider, only the need to make a safe exit plan.

I'm aware this isn't possible for everyone and I don't blame those who can't leave sooon after this happens, I was more posting this for anyone else in the same situation who might read this thread.

Good luck to OP and I have so much compassion for you.

babyjellyfish · 12/12/2022 14:39

I'm so sorry OP.

I think you should leave.

Namechangeblabla · 12/12/2022 14:41

I’ve name changed for this but exactly the same thing happened to me,OP, about 6 years ago. DH and I had been married for 12 years with no violence at all. We had a row and he grabbed me, knocked me down and held me down by my throat. We were both horrified. We have kids. We’re still together and he has never shown any aggression towards me since. Ever. It took a while for me to forgive him and longer to look at him in the way I used to, so I wouldn’t say it has had no impact on our relationship. But it shows that it can be a one off. He won’t necessarily definitely do it again. Assess your relationship and work out if a: you believe him that he won’t do it again and b: if you want to forgive him. Go from there. Good luck x

TerraNostra · 12/12/2022 14:42

By the way OP, if you did have kids you'd know it was straight out of the 5 year-old's standard playbook to do a thing that they know is wrong, right in full view of ten witnesses, and then look you straight in the eye and say "I didn't do it".

The child's brain believes that if they deny it the act will magically not have happened. He clearly never grew out of that.

Unikeko · 12/12/2022 14:43

Please get some irl support. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be embarrassed about. Please go to the police or GP/walk-in centre/pharmacist and get some support

SpottyBumPony · 12/12/2022 14:46

Leave. You leave

NameChange1718 · 12/12/2022 14:46

Get yourself out of there before he kills you

Pleasegodgotosleep · 12/12/2022 14:47

Strangulation is a massive escalation and can be a big warning flag in cases where women are killed by their partner. Please leave and be safe. Any embarrassment is his not yours.

Motherofalittledragon · 12/12/2022 14:50

He remembers, you leave that's what you do.

beastlyslumber · 12/12/2022 14:50

Namechangeblabla · 12/12/2022 14:41

I’ve name changed for this but exactly the same thing happened to me,OP, about 6 years ago. DH and I had been married for 12 years with no violence at all. We had a row and he grabbed me, knocked me down and held me down by my throat. We were both horrified. We have kids. We’re still together and he has never shown any aggression towards me since. Ever. It took a while for me to forgive him and longer to look at him in the way I used to, so I wouldn’t say it has had no impact on our relationship. But it shows that it can be a one off. He won’t necessarily definitely do it again. Assess your relationship and work out if a: you believe him that he won’t do it again and b: if you want to forgive him. Go from there. Good luck x

Well you took a HUGE risk there, and a stupid one in my opinion. Your husband tried to kill you.

I do wonder about the motivation of posters who comment things like this on a thread where it's 100% clear the OP is in danger and needs to leave.

Puppers · 12/12/2022 14:51

maddy68 · 12/12/2022 13:27

It's ridiculous to assume he will definitely do it again we have all lost our tempers at some point

He's in denial of doing it so he is obviously not ok with having done it.

But this is something only you can decide.

Do you believe it will happen again?

7 years is a long time for this to suddenly emerge

Is he ok? Taken cocaine or steroids?

Really? Bloody hell you need help. We may all lose our temper from time to time but in well adjusted adults that would mean having a bit of a rant or maybe raising our voice. We absolutely do NOT all physically assault other people by slapping them and grabbing them round the throat. Do you do this when you lose your temper? It's not normal, not acceptable and not safe. And actually, it's not fucking legal.

Harrysmummy246 · 12/12/2022 14:51

Louise33388 · 12/12/2022 13:12

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

Leave. Now.

The fact you say first time says you think it will happen again.

The blatant gaslighting is another red flag

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