My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

I expect I’ll be banned for voicing that. Remember me if I go.

Which, when you whittle it all down to a worried woman asking for help, whose husband has just escalated into violent behaviour, and whose actions have just indicated he may make an attempt on her life, and she’s being encouraged to give him more chances, or be kind to him and try to understand and help him, it’s utterly, utterly fucked

Which makes them complicit in male violence and its consequences. Hope they realise that and can live with it.

But it hasn’t happened for you. I don’t understand your logic at all.

You spent 12 years thinking your husband was a safe partner and then he attacked you and tried to strangle you. He’s subsequently been behaving like a safe partner for 6 years. So, only half as long as he managed to keep it up before he attacked you last time. On what possible planet is yours a success story where you can stand back and go “see? He changed! Everything is great now and he never did it again!” He remains many, many times more likely to attack you again than a partner who has never been violent. And given the nature of his attack on you, the risk that he will actually kill you one day is significantly raised. The length of time between incidents of violence can be considerable - see data online - and there’s absolutely nothing in your story to suggest that your husband won’t attack you again. He remains a risk to you and to your children.

I believe that your need to push this narrative of a success story on the OP is purely an attempt to validate your incredibly risky decision to allow this man to remain in a house with your children. I’m sorry for what your husband did to you but to encourage another woman to forgive similar violence just to appease your own self doubt is shameful.

Hope you're doing OK @Louise33388

Hey all,

I'm doing ok, given the circumstances. My anxiety is still sky high and i'm being a huge recluse at the minute as I don't want to be around people.

Again I just want to say thank you for all your supportive messages, I can't honestly thank you enough for the advice and the help - the kindness of others has truly blown my mind.

I tried to have a chat with him about the other night and he said how grateful he was that I hadn't told anyone as my family would disown him and the relationship would be over.

Replying to someone's message previously. He has never been violent before, ever. We've had heated arguments after a few drinks where he's told me he's not happy in our marriage, but no violence. The only thing he has done in the past is when he's had too many to drink, he performs sexual acts on me while I'm asleep in bed. There has been a number of times I've woken up and he's performing sexual acts - and I get freaked out and shove him off and tell him to stop. In the morning he has no recollection of this happening. This has happened several times. He is always so apologetic in the morning and he says he feels disgusted in himself. Not sure if this has happened to anyone else before?

Again just want to say thank you so much to you all.

@Louise33388 please please leave this man. As if the hitting you wasn't bad enough, you've now admitted that he sexually assaults you whilst you sleep

The only thing he has done in the past is when he's had too many to drink, he performs sexual acts on me while I'm asleep in bed. There has been a number of times I've woken up and he's performing sexual acts - and I get freaked out and shove him off and tell him to stop. In the morning he has no recollection of this happening.

And there's your huge red flag. Well, not really because it's not a warning of a future attack, it is an attack. He regularly sexually assaults you and denies remembering it (he does).

He is a dangerous, dangerous man, a sex offender who pins you by the throat, and you need to get out. You are not crazy. You are not overreacting. You are not to blame. But this is a crime, and it's escalating, and you need to get out.

Not sure if this has happened to anyone else before?

Yes many women on here, its called rape. Sorry to put it so bluntly but that is what it is.

He has very convenient amnesia, he only forgets things when he's abusing you

His sexual abuse has escalated to strangulation. You absolutely have to leave

Gaslighting and physical abuse. It all goes downhill from there OP. Abusers are abusers whether it's once or every day. There's a saying something like the only acceptable level of abuse is none. Find the strength to leave him. You deserve more.

The only thing? More than once? And you've stayed?

Please, please, leave for your own safety. That's yet another huuhhuge red flag @Louise33388

Write everything down keep a very detailed log
You must leave this relationship you are in danger
Personally I wouldn't let him know, I would arrange everything behind the scenes and he wouldn't find out until I'd gone, I don't know if that's the best way but lots of people on here have good experience and advice and will help you

The only thing he has done in the past is when he's had too many to drink, he performs sexual acts on me while I'm asleep in bed. There has been a number of times I've woken up and he's performing sexual acts - and I get freaked out and shove him off and tell him to stop. In the morning he has no recollection of this happening. This has happened several times. He is always so apologetic in the morning and he says he feels disgusted in himself.

He has repeatedly sexually assaulted / raped you. Do you know that is what he's done? He's committed a sexual offence against you, more than once. He is a criminal.

He has now attacked and strangled you.

This man is incredibly dangerous.

If you had sexually assaulted someone multiple times and claimed not to remember doing it, were apologetic and disgusted as he claimed to be, you'd seek help right? He didn't seek help I assume? No? Because he knows what he's done and doesn't care about the effect on you.

Men like him kill women.

Sexual violence + physical violence + strangulation + gaslighting + no effort to seek help + secrecy = the ultimate red flag list for continued abuse and potentially murder.

Please tell us you won't ever, ever consider having children with this man? To stay with him is unsafe and unwise, to have a child with him would be irresponsible and cruel.

Sorry this has happened to you OP, thing is either way he’s a danger to you - he either does remember and he’ll do it again, might be a week might be 5 years but he will or he really doesn’t remember and therefore he’s capable of violent outbursts that he has no control over - if this is the case what’s to stop him killing you next time?

Either way, the only way to ensure your safety is to leave him!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE- REPORT TO THE POLICE, TELL YOUR FAMILY AND LEAVE.
I put up with this kind of treatment (believing it to be normal) for close to 30 years. I don’t think the mental scars it has left will ever completely heal.
And the ‘it didn’t happen’ is all part of the package - my EX still denies it happened despite the fact that my adult children witnessed it and were prepared to give evidence in court.
Unfortunately, our son does not constitute an independent witness! I regret not taking more assertive action sooner more than anything else in my life!

he said how grateful he was that I hadn't told anyone as my family would disown him and the relationship would be over.

I bet he is. That's the abuser tactic: pretending to be vulnerable and grateful to get you to lie to your family to protect him. You don't have to lie for him or minimize the abuse to your family. Whatever consequences are on him, not you. The most important is your health and safety. You need to be protected, not him.

As others have said, what you describe is rape or sexual abuse. He is dangerous.

Please keep us posted.

There it is. The escalation. This man has no respect for you as a human being. You are just a prop in his life. He'll use your body for sex, conscious or asleep, and if you don't behave he'll put you in your place with violence. This will only get worse.

I tried to have a chat with him about the other night and he said how grateful he was that I hadn't told anyone as my family would disown him and the relationship would be over.
I'm sorry OP but you must get away from him in whatever way you can, as soon as possible. And tell everyone. Don't let his "gratitude" make you feel obliged to keep this all to yourself. It's like a paedophile telling a child "This is our little secret."

Denying it is another way of saying I can do whatever I like to you and there's nothing you can do to stop me
lying to your face like that is an expression of contempt, he holds you in contempt and you are in danger
Feeling that he can do whatever he likes to you when you're asleep is the same thing the fact that he feels disgusted with himself afterwards is a further danger to you, he will want to punish you for the disgust that you have 'made' him feel, he will blame what he does on you and punish you for it because he refuses to acknowledge that he's ever in the wrong
This is what's going on when a man rapes a woman and then kills her, the reason he kills her is because he is disgusted with what he has done to her but he will not accept the blame for it so he blames her and then punishes her by killing her.

OMG OP this just gets worse and worse, first he assaults and strangles you then you admit that he sexual assaulted you on more than one occasion too.
GET OUT NOW.
I don't want to read about your murder in the newspapers at any time in the next 5 years.
My husband started off like this and was oh so sorry and grateful I didn't take it any further but it escalated as it always does. And so will your H escalate.
I ended up in A&E with a cross bow arrow through my leg and my face battered to a pulp. I was lucky to be alive.
This was 40 years ago. I am still afraid he will find me to this day. DS doesn't see him either.
If you don't leave him you could die.

OP your update is horrifying m!

This is sexual abuse. This is not normal. This is not okay.

He is a very very dangerous man. You need to inform the police IMMEDIATELY.

I know it’s scary, I know. It’s terrifying. But the longer you keep quiet, the greater the risk becomes of you being seriously harmed or murdered.

He deserves to be disowned. He belongs in prison. He doesn’t deserve a lovely person like you in his life.

Tell someone today. Please. We are all here to support and guide you.

OP, you're evidently an intelligent person, but you need to let your brain override your emotions. This is not a one-off or a "first time," it's an ongoing pattern of assault and abuse and it's worsening. Please listen to the women here and move out when he's not at home, ideally with someone else helping you.

And there you have it.
He is also a rapist..
Tell every relative in your phone contacts op.
Then walk away with your head held high..

Your extreme anxiety is giving you a message. A message you should not ignore.
You don't need to avoid being with other people, you need to avoid being with him.
He is a wife beater and a rapist. He is not sorry.

Your update is shocking OP, but not surprising.
Please do not have any more conversations with him about what happened, he will try to manipulate you even further.
Get outside help ASAP & surround yourself with supportive people.
This will be a risky time.

He's worried about people disowning him? Well tough shit. He doesn't deserve support after what he has done to you.

I know how hard it is to accept but NEVER forget that he doesn't respect or value you.

I think it's also worth mentioning a month or so before he hit me, I had been on a girls holiday to Lanzarote and stupidly drunk kissed a random guy. I don't remember it happening, but a friend of mine told me I had done it. When I came back home I felt so guilty and hated myself for what I had done, that I had to tell him. At the time he took it well (as much as you can do) but I feel this has had a lasting effect on him and maybe the reason he reacted with violence when we had the argument. Not trying to justify his actions, but do you guys think this is why he had the violent reaction he did?