My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

"Assess your relationship and work out if a: you believe him that he won’t do it again and b: if you want to forgive him. Go from there."

Care to explain that? Cause that sounds a lot like encouraging her to stay to me.

Has it occurred to you that some of us feel strongly about this partly because we are the children of women like you? Who forced us to live with men who proved they were violent?

Take control? They can't. They rely on you. He's a violent criminal bastard and you're an apologist.

If you stay with an abuser that's your business, although others too if you have children. If you just stayed and shut up no one on here would care. Its the undermining of the only advice there can be in this situation, which is to leave. That is the real issue here.

As the mother of an abused woman and her child I am quite disgusted by your comments and have no problem telling you that. The only person who matters here is the op and you are not helping her at all.

You have to be pretty self absorbed to make this about you and your unhealthy relationship and continue to undermine good advice. You are a menace to abused women.

Yes, of course I get why some of you were horrified if you interpreted the post as encouragement to ignore what happened.
I very much hope the OP has not decided to ignore the severity of what her husband did.
But I stand by the belief that not all incidents of violence will definitely escalate.

Again. Please leave the thread.

Before you accuse me of being a man hater, I'm far from it. I'm married to a lovely man who did everyting in his pwer to protect his daughter and grandchildren, including going to family court to support her. I don't hate men, I hate abusive men, of which there are far too many.

Any expert will tell you that it is almost impossible to rehabilitate abusive men. They couldn't even send my daughter's ex on an abusers course because he refused to admit any of the abuse. If a man says he can't remember then he can't even start to address the abuse. He's a lost cause.

And horrified you stayed with a man who violently attacked you, could have killed you due to the type of attack it was, despite having children. An irresponsible and staggering risk to have taken.

Let's hope you continue to be the vanishingly small (almost negligible) statistic of genuine one off, never again, domestic violence including strangling.

You didn't answer earlier (your prerogative of course) whether you'd want your daughter to make the decision you made and put your grandkids in that risky of a position with a man you 100% know to be capable of such violence. And also (unless I missed it) didn't answer what your husband did after the attack to seek help.

Nobody "interpreted" it in any way. It's right there in black and white. Stop, just stop.

No, not ALL incidents escalate, just as not ALL lottery tickets don't win the jackpot. And since you've staked your own children on it, I hope you're right in your case. I hope OP doesn't do the same because the odds aren't in your favour. At all. Hands around the throat is one of the worst signs there is. Those almost always escalate, but how would you even know? When "your husband is a shit" outrages you more than his hands around your neck?

Now take your apologism and please go away. We do not have an epidemic of women leaving violent, thuggish bastards like your dangerous, criminal husband.

It's not for me to tell others what to do. And nobody made me the Thread Police. I know dangerous advice needs challenging, and that's been done. But I have to suggest people consider disengaging here.

This thread is about OP, not derailers or trolls who invariably disrupt these threads with accusations of man-hating. And OP is in a vulnerable place. The focus here needs to be on her.

@Louise33388 - I hope you're doing okay today. It must be so difficult trying to process what's happened. People here will be on your side, and will help and support you as you try to come to terms with this. Sending all positivity your way.

I agree.

OP, you can come back to this thread or start a different one whenever you like. Women here support you and want you to be safe.

Very well said @ReneBumsWombats

It almost as if those posts were from...um male abusers.

Shame on them. This is a new LOW.

If people would just stop deliberately misunderstanding and misrepresenting what I’m saying, I wouldn’t be coming back to defend myself

ODFOD, whatever your name is. Someone comes on here in deep distress and asking for advice and all we get is you derailing then whining that you have to defend yourself.

Despicable. But well done, your ego's been stroked by all the attention.

what a bunch of bullies on this thread.

And thank you for your constructive and helpful input to the debate, @Member869894

he still claims that he can't remember
what happened and he has no
recollection of him hitting me. He assures
me he will do everything in his power so
that it will never happen again.

Sorry if this has been said but he has zero power to change if he says he doesn’t remember doing it. You can only change something like this if you understand and admit the thinking that drives the behaviour. He doesn’t and he also doesn’t seem to admit doing it. Has he apologised, shown any remorse? He didn’t leave it at a slap, he strangled you too. Leave. There’s no coming back from this. If he doesn’t admit it or claims not to know why then he can’t stop himself doing it again. You will never feel completely safe around him.

Couldn't you at least have got a better username? That's just lazy.

What? Women taking a zero tolerance policy to domestic violence are bullies? Be kind and take it, the poor men eh?

Why is taking a zero tolerance to DV bullying?

My neighbour has used the 'be kind' card because I refuse to have anything to do with hey boyfriend who has been convicted for DV offences.

Why are so many women happy to defend these men?

To have absolutely zero tolerance and excuses for abusive and violent men?

If that makes me a bully, so be it.

I will “bully” any mother who thinks it’s appropriate to allow her defenceless children to live with a violent and abusive man.

*To have absolutely zero tolerance and excuses for abusive and violent men?

If that makes me a bully, so be it.

I will “bully” any mother who thinks it’s appropriate to allow her defenceless children to live with a violent and abusive man.*

👏👏👏And I'm reserving all my pity for the unfortunate children in that scenario.

Thank you @mnhq for removing my comment but for leaving up the comments which excuse and sympathise with an abusive and violent man.

I fucking despair at this site.

OP - I’m begging you, please please confide in Womens Aid or a trusted friend. Please. You need support in the real world. This thread is a mess because of utter stupid imbeciles. I’m so sorry.

This thread is a mess because of utter stupid imbeciles. I’m so sorry

I don't think they're stupid imbeciles. I think they knew exactly what they were doing, what they wanted - and they got it. Attentiontaken away from the OP and her predicament.

The blind eye MNHQ has turned to apologists for male violence, which have littered this and many other threads, should be highlighted. But they don’t care. They sit back, watch us all bickering and laugh, knowing the clicks and revenue will rolling in. They don’t care about the site’s reputation, they know it keeps their traffic off-the-scale high and it’s valuable to them.

Which, when you whittle it all down to a worried woman asking for help, whose husband has just escalated into violent behaviour, and whose actions have just indicated he may make an attempt on her life, and she’s being encouraged to give him more chances, or be kind to him and try to understand and help him, it’s utterly, utterly fucked.