My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

Yes, of course all of the cases that escalate start with a single incident. But not all single incidents escalate into more

I'm sure this poster can give lots of expert tips on how a woman can tell the difference between the ones that are single incidents and the ones that will escalate until he doesn't try to kill her, he succeeds.

A slap across the face in the heat of the moment is awful and abusive but potentially forgivable as a first offence for some people (not me, I would leave just for this)

But grabbing you by the throat?! No way, that is, proven I might add, to be an action taken by men who go on to murder their partners T a later time

Leave before you have children and are tied to him forever
Leave now because if he remembers then not only is he violent, he is a liar. But if he really doesn't remember it then please tell me how he's going to stop himself from doing it again

Oh look, someone's managed to make it all about her and not the OP. Again.

OP - how are you today?

Yes, and that person is not me. If people would just stop deliberately misunderstanding and misrepresenting what I’m saying, I wouldn’t be coming back to defend myself. It’s almost as if you want this line of discussion to carry on. So if you genuinely care about the OP and don’t want her to be influenced by my revolting opinions, why keep on poking the bear?
But I will stand up for myself if you all carry on. Your choice.

certainly don’t subscribe to the all men are evil, murderous bastards’ rhetoric..

Neither do I, but I do think men who hit women are evil bastards and that includes your husband.

I'm shocked your instinct was to protect your marriage and not your children.

Is this a name change fail? If so, perhaps channel your assertiveness in "standing up for yourself" against the bastard who tried to kill you rather than the women telling you he's a bastard.

As for blaming us for "poking the bear"...do you know what that sounds like? At least we know where you learned it.

I completely agree. Those poor, poor kids.

A slap across the face in the heat of the moment is awful and abusive but potentially forgivable as a first offence for some people (not me, I would leave just for this)

Oh believe me, that escalates too.

Did you change your name after this thread and then forget?

@Tangytangy - assuming name change fail.

You are asserting yourself in a way that means nothing. If you really did have a violent husband then the onus is on you to either accept that or make changes as you see fit. But it is statistically a very dangerous prescription for anyone else, because most people will not want to believe that a man can do this to them. Your attitude enables a deluded and dangerous thought for others.

In any event, you should not be engaging in threads like these for what looks like psychological gratification of your own choices.

If a stranger seized you by the throat, that is a life threatening thing to do and a sensible person calls the police. A more damaging person will suggest that this is put off and ignored.

If he didn't do it, and can't remember doing it, then he can't guarantee that not happening again.
So he's full of shit. He did do it and he does remember and he's lying to you.

20 odd years ago I was you. My ex actually never slapped me, but he did push me around, or get up in my face and scream at me, call me names etc - so to my mind he wasn't abusive.

Until the night he grabbed me by the throat and pinned me down. Woman's aid took that very seriously indeed, and someone needed to because I was too much in the fog at the time to see how wrong it was. With counselling from them, I left some months later, luckily we had no kids or assets so I could walk away by just throwing all my stuff in my car and driving off.

Less than a year later, I met DH and we now have an amazing DS. I look back and shudder to think of the life of tension and misery I almost had with ex and could have brought children into. My son has never seen either of his parents abuse the other, never witnessed violence or name calling.

Don't subject the DC you clearly want to a childhood of watching their dad abuse their mother.

We had a row and he grabbed me, knocked me down and held me down by my throat. We were both horrified. We have kids. We’re still together and he has never shown any aggression towards me since. Ever. It took a while for me to forgive him and longer to look at him in the way I used to, so I wouldn’t say it has had no impact on our relationship. But it shows that it can be a one off. He won’t necessarily definitely do it again. Assess your relationship and work out if a: you believe him that he won’t do it again and b: if you want to forgive him. Go from there. Good luck x

To be clear to anyone who has missed @Namechangeblabla's contribution to the thread, it's above. She is grossly misrepresenting people's responses to her by characterising them as man hating.

She chose to stay married to someone who violently attacked her and nearly killed her (there is no other reason to hold someone down by the throat, an absolutely horrific thing to do) despite having a duty of care to their poor, poor children.

To call people bullies for saying it's irresponsible of her to advise OP to even consider staying with her attacker, when she is married to a man whose bullying took the form of a violent attack that could have been lethal, is bizarre.

And it doesn't "show that it can be a one off", because it could still happen again.

Unbelievable!
Thanks @monsteramunch

Yep

The speed of it all, the hands to the throat, the instant denial, and then the 'everything in his power not to do it again' are all huge red flags.

How much personal commitment or willpower does it take not to hit your wife, pin her to a wall, and strangle her? What he's saying there is, "Don't push me because I'm going to repeat this performance if you do."

How comfortable do you feel disagreeing with your husband over anything today?

How comfortable do you feel about sex with him?

Your husband has made a decision to fundamentally change the terms on which your marriage will proceed.

From now on it will be conducted on a basis of you watching him for signs that he's getting angry, and backing off.

You will not say what's on your mind for fear of setting him off.
You will agree with him over matters that are important to you just to keep him from hitting you, pinning you against the wall, and putting his hands to your throat.
You may not feel you have the safety to say no to sex. In other words, he will be free to rape you.

You need to talk to Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247.

You need tonstart making plans to leave and formally end the relationship. It's already over - all you need is the decree from the court.

Look into renting, even a flatshare.

You can tell your family when it's a done deal. Or if you have any family member you can confide in, please do that soon and spare yourself the charade of a united front at Christmas.

But you haven’t included the responses to me that call me stupid and revolting, etc! I’m not having a go at people who disagree with me or think I’m wrong. I’m just astonished by the level of hatred that has been aimed at me.

And in addition, I did not advise the op to stay with her DH. Ever. Please, this is getting ridiculous. Just stop making stuff up.

If people really called you names, report the posts. I don't recall seeing that but if I do, I'll report them.

Still, it's sinister that that offended and astonished you, and prompted you to "stand up for yourself", more than your husband trying to kill you and remaining in the house with your kids.

I felt the sense of shame that you feel, OP, the humiliation. It took me a long time to tell the people who really love me, though I did call the police at the time. My exH also put his hands around my throat.

When we finally divorced he came after me through the post divorce court with numerous motions for contempt of court to do either disputes over the visitation schedule (we had children). He spent nine years trying to put me in the county jail.

The hands around the throat are an indication of murderous rage. OP, he had it in his power to snuff your life out, and you can't unsee that in your mind's eye, or paper over that terror in your heart of hearts.

Murderous rage turned into a cold fury on the part of my exH that lasted nine years. You can't go on living with someone who allowed himself to put his hands around your throat even for two seconds.

So what was your reason, after reading this horrifying story, for telling her it could be a one off and rambling on about "alternative perspectives" and why everyone who opposed you was a man hater?

But you haven’t included the responses to me that call me stupid and revolting, etc! I’m not having a go at people who disagree with me or think I’m wrong. I’m just astonished by the level of hatred that has been aimed at me.

I'm sorry but to have suggest to a woman who has just been physically, violently assaulted that she should assess the relationship and consider staying with him because you think it might be a one off, when he has outright denied doing it to her face was a stupid thing to do. And is a revolting sentiment. A man violently attacks his partner, denies doing so and your response was to assess the relationship as people don't always do it more than once.

Your poor kids, you took a huge gamble and prioritised your marriage over their wellbeing staying with a man who could very easily have killed you and did something that quite rightly has the potential a hefty custodial sentence. You may think that gamble paid off but it's still one you took. And he didn't attack you for years before the time he did. That doesn't mean he won't do it again. I hope he doesn't, but you know he has the ability to,

What did he do after the attack? Straight to the GP? Therapy?

OP's partner hasn't done anything but deny it and make a promise to never again do the thing that he claimed he doesn't remember doing (!) but I'm curious what your attacker did?

You're the one getting ridiculous now.

You said it it could be a be "one off" like your experience so how else is the OP suppose to take that other than forgive her abusive husband and stay, all in hopes that he wont do it again?

YOU are the one contradicting yourself now.

@Namechangeblabla

And in addition, I did not advise the op to stay with her DH. Ever. Please, this is getting ridiculous. Just stop making stuff up.

I'm not making stuff up. You said the following:

Assess your relationship and work out if a: you believe him that he won’t do it again and b: if you want to forgive him. Go from there.

And I said you advised OP to 'consider' staying with him. I specifically said consider.

I'm staggered you're so shocked people think it's irresponsible of you to stay in a relationship with a man who violently attacked you and could have killed you due to the type of attack it was, when you have children. You didn't put them first. Your prerogative of course but you took a huge gamble and a huge risk with your children's safety. Again, you may think that gamble paid off (so far) but it's odd you don't seem to think of it as the huge gamble it was.

My reason was simply to share my experience. It did happen. It can happen. It might not always happen like that. All situations are different. Here’s an example. Take control. Make your own choices.
Thats all.

@Namechangeblabla

If a woman's husband raped her and a poster replied saying the below, would you really think that it was a constructive and responsible thing for them to have posted? Genuinely?

I feel like looking at it that way might help you see why many of us were so horrified by your post.

For clarity, the below is namechange's post verbatim other than the type of violent attack mentioned. It is not her original quote and she has never given any indication he has ever sexually assaulted her. I'm just using it to try to explain people's reactions to her as she seems shocked people found her post so shocking.

"We had a row and he raped me. We were both horrified. We have kids. We’re still together and he has never shown any aggression towards me since. Ever. It took a while for me to forgive him and longer to look at him in the way I used to, so I wouldn’t say it has had no impact on our relationship. But it shows that it can be a one off. He won’t necessarily definitely do it again. Assess your relationship and work out if a: you believe him that he won’t do it again and b: if you want to forgive him. Go from there. Good luck x"