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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

604 replies

Louise33388 · 12/12/2022 13:12

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 13/12/2022 13:11

I hate rapists and paedophiles too. I must really hate men.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/12/2022 13:11

BadNomad · 13/12/2022 13:10

Women who hate violent men are men haters? 🙄

No. ALL Mumsnetters are man-haters. Except the ones who repeatedly plop onto threads posted by abused, terrified women to bleat: 'but what about the men?'

FlissyPaps · 13/12/2022 13:12

Namechangeblabla · 13/12/2022 12:54

It’s not the handful of posters who have dared suggest, in good faith, an alternative perspective who have derailed the thread, it’s the unbelievable vitriol of posters who think it’s ok to dismiss, insult and bully anyone who doesn’t abide by their ‘all men are evil, murderous bastards’ rhetoric.

Show quote history

Oh just piss off.

Your comments are incredibly insulting and down right stupid.

No one has said all men are evil murderous bastards. Where on earth have you got that from?

We are saying ANY man who has violent tendencies is dangerous and not worth the risk of staying with them.

Take your ridiculous narrative elsewhere.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 13/12/2022 13:12

How predictable, the posters who are apologising for male violence are accusing women of being angry, vitriolic, insulting and bullying.

Actually hitting and strangling people is fine, just don't dare say it might not be or you are the aggressive ones 🙄

ReneBumsWombats · 13/12/2022 13:12

You can see what a psychological stitch up it is when throwing your wife to thr floor and pinning her by the throat is more forgivable than denouncing it as relationship-ending material. That's dismissive, insulting and bullying?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/12/2022 13:15

THE RULES OF MISOGYNY

1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.

2nd rule of misogyny: Women saying no to men is a hate crime.

3rd rule of misogyny: Women speaking for themselves are exclusionary and selfish.

4th rule of misogyny: Women's opinions are violence against men thus male violence against women is justified.

5th rule of misogyny: WATM! [What about the Men] Women and Feminism must be useful to men or they are worthless.

6th rule of misogyny: Women who go around being female AT men by menstruating and breast feeding babies deserve punishment.

7th rule of misogyny: Women should always be grateful to men for everything.

8th rule of misogyny: Men are whatever men say they are and women are whatever men say they are.

9th rule of misogyny: Men always know the "real reasons" for everything women do and say.

10th rule of misogyny: The worst thing about male violence is that it males men look bad.

11th rule of misogyny: Basic pattern recognition skills are cruel and evil when they hurt men's feelings.

12th rule of misogyny: whatever women suffer from, men suffer from more.

See rules 4, 5 and 10.

I'm disgusted that @MNHQ have let this dangerous content stand given the topic of the thread.

DownTheBackoftheSofa · 13/12/2022 13:15

You have to leave. Your life with this man as you knew it is over. This is a new, violent, abusive, controlling chapter. Get out.
Grieve the relationship.
Get support for the trauma.
Do it all from a safe distance and don't let him have the opportunity to attempt to murder you again.
I'm so sorry this happened.

ReneBumsWombats · 13/12/2022 13:16

So, @Namechangeblabla , you think we hate all men because we see your husband for what he is.

What, I wonder, does he think of women?

ArcaneWireless · 13/12/2022 13:18

I certainly don’t subscribe to the all men are evil, murderous bastards’ rhetoric..

And there isn’t that on here.

I do think people who batter their partners are capable of evil and murderous thoughts and actions. As do others.

Some of us know that first hand which is why we have stated our experiences.

I said on my first post that rarely, very rarely, it may be a one off.
But in the main? No. Some men are indeed genuinely sorry and work hard to change but it certainly doesn’t seem so in this instance.

And that is why people are advising the OP to leave.

It doesn’t mean folk hate men or they are all evil.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/12/2022 13:18

It’s not the handful of posters who have dared suggest, in good faith

Given that your message was essentially 'it's only once and going by my experience of being beaten up he won't do it again, so stay and chance being really badly hurt or killed anytime he feels like it,' I'm not sure 'good faith' is a term I'd use.

Andif you think being told about the real results of DV by women who have suffered it and manage to recover from it is 'unbelievable vitriol' then all I can suggest is that your perceptions are seriously skewed.

gogohmm · 13/12/2022 13:19

Firstly I'm so sorry, but you need to protect yourself first. Whether you permanently leave him depends on the circumstances, it sounds pretty clear from your original description that he flipped, only you know the lead up to the situation occurring? Was it all one way? Also be honest, has he come close before?

There is the possibility of a health reason if this genuinely is a personality change, is your dh concerned that he has something wrong, willing to go to the doctor?

If he's downplaying I would seriously advise you to at least separate for now until you can clearly evaluate the situation.

Im acutely aware there is sometimes muddy waters in domestic abuse situations, but get real life support, and if at all concerned leave

BadNomad · 13/12/2022 13:20

This reminds me of that other ongoing thread about the woman whose husband sexually abuses her. Her friends have her convinced it's normal, not abuse, because it happens to them too. And so she stays. People living in these fucked-up situations should not be giving advice because they do not have the objectivity. It's dangerous.

Middledazedted · 13/12/2022 13:27

OP work must seem i
possible but that disconnected feeling will become life if you stay. You aren’t safe and need to tell people as this is not your shame. Life without kids is a picnic - what you have will see any stresses rebound onto you. Please leave

Namechangeblabla · 13/12/2022 13:30

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/12/2022 13:18

It’s not the handful of posters who have dared suggest, in good faith

Given that your message was essentially 'it's only once and going by my experience of being beaten up he won't do it again, so stay and chance being really badly hurt or killed anytime he feels like it,' I'm not sure 'good faith' is a term I'd use.

Andif you think being told about the real results of DV by women who have suffered it and manage to recover from it is 'unbelievable vitriol' then all I can suggest is that your perceptions are seriously skewed.

I did not, and have never suggested that the op should stay with her husband. I do not condone violence. If the OP were to leave her husband I would fully support her and help in any way I could.
But I do stand up for the freedom for people to share experiences and alternative possibilities. No one knows what will happen despite their very strong beliefs (some borne from experience, I’m sure, for which I’m truly sorry). But to claim to know for certain what will happen is insanity.
I’m calling out the bullies because that’s what they are. Not all who disagree have been so hateful. I’m not a male apologist and I’m also not a female hater. I believe in good people. Some men are not good people. Some women are not good people. And some mn posters are not good people.

ReneBumsWombats · 13/12/2022 13:37

Namechangeblabla · 13/12/2022 13:30

I did not, and have never suggested that the op should stay with her husband. I do not condone violence. If the OP were to leave her husband I would fully support her and help in any way I could.
But I do stand up for the freedom for people to share experiences and alternative possibilities. No one knows what will happen despite their very strong beliefs (some borne from experience, I’m sure, for which I’m truly sorry). But to claim to know for certain what will happen is insanity.
I’m calling out the bullies because that’s what they are. Not all who disagree have been so hateful. I’m not a male apologist and I’m also not a female hater. I believe in good people. Some men are not good people. Some women are not good people. And some mn posters are not good people.

Show quote history

You absolutely did encourage her to stay by telling her it could be a one off. That you consider the horrifying response to this to be "bullying" and are apparently more offended by that than by your husband choking you

ReneBumsWombats · 13/12/2022 13:37

Hit post by accident but you get the gist.

Knors · 13/12/2022 13:37

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/12/2022 13:15

THE RULES OF MISOGYNY

1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.

2nd rule of misogyny: Women saying no to men is a hate crime.

3rd rule of misogyny: Women speaking for themselves are exclusionary and selfish.

4th rule of misogyny: Women's opinions are violence against men thus male violence against women is justified.

5th rule of misogyny: WATM! [What about the Men] Women and Feminism must be useful to men or they are worthless.

6th rule of misogyny: Women who go around being female AT men by menstruating and breast feeding babies deserve punishment.

7th rule of misogyny: Women should always be grateful to men for everything.

8th rule of misogyny: Men are whatever men say they are and women are whatever men say they are.

9th rule of misogyny: Men always know the "real reasons" for everything women do and say.

10th rule of misogyny: The worst thing about male violence is that it males men look bad.

11th rule of misogyny: Basic pattern recognition skills are cruel and evil when they hurt men's feelings.

12th rule of misogyny: whatever women suffer from, men suffer from more.

See rules 4, 5 and 10.

I'm disgusted that @MNHQ have let this dangerous content stand given the topic of the thread.

I too am disgusted @MNHQ

LexMitior · 13/12/2022 13:38

There is a time and a place for your experiences and this was not it.

If you do have a violent husband, perhaps, just perhaps, your perception is not a good one either

FlissyPaps · 13/12/2022 13:38

@Namechangeblabla stop posting and please leave the thread. If you have any ounce of emotional intelligence and empathy for a vulnerable, upset and shocked woman you would do the decent thing and go away.

No one is bullying you. We are just simply horrified at your ill-informed and aloof comments.

HotChoxs · 13/12/2022 13:40

@Namechangeblabla

Even if you were right, you'd still be wrong, because right now the OP has to focus on leaving for her own safety, not the possible reasons behind this assault.

On that note OP, I think you should speak to your HR department and stop going into work till you are in a safe place.

beastlyslumber · 13/12/2022 13:41

Namechangeblabla · 13/12/2022 12:54

It’s not the handful of posters who have dared suggest, in good faith, an alternative perspective who have derailed the thread, it’s the unbelievable vitriol of posters who think it’s ok to dismiss, insult and bully anyone who doesn’t abide by their ‘all men are evil, murderous bastards’ rhetoric.

Show quote history

"Unbelievable vitriol"???? What the fuck.

No, I don't think all men are bastards, not by a long stretch.

I think all men who try to murder their wives are bastards - and yes, that includes your husband.

You are trying to justify the dangerous risk you have taken with your and your children's lives by attempting to put another woman into the same situation as you. If you can persuade her that it's not so bad, it will make you feel better for your own choices.

It's reprehensible behaviour on your part. Because it really is that bad.

Did your husband leave the house when he was "horrified" by his violence towards you? Did he have himself sectioned? Did he encourage you to report him to the police, or report himself to the police? Did he find psychiatric support immediately? Is he engaged in long term therapy? Has he done anything at all to warrant your trust in him after he tried to kill you?

I'm pretty sure a therapist or psychiatrist wouldn't dismiss his violence as a "one off". And if police knew, social services would have been involved to try to protect your children. So really, the situation is that your husband tried to kill you, you forgave him on behalf of yourself and your children, you continue to live with him in the hope that it won't happen again, and he has done fuck all to show you that you can trust him in that respect.

And you KNOW that's not right. But instead of confronting it, you try to make yourself feel better by spinning this story about how it can be a "one off" and how women are all vicious manhaters.

Is it working? Are you feeling better? Jesus, I actually feel more sorry for you than I do for the OP. At least the OP knows what's happened to her is wrong and isn't trying to inflict it on anyone else.

Namechangeblabla · 13/12/2022 13:44

ArcaneWireless · 13/12/2022 13:18

I certainly don’t subscribe to the all men are evil, murderous bastards’ rhetoric..

And there isn’t that on here.

I do think people who batter their partners are capable of evil and murderous thoughts and actions. As do others.

Some of us know that first hand which is why we have stated our experiences.

I said on my first post that rarely, very rarely, it may be a one off.
But in the main? No. Some men are indeed genuinely sorry and work hard to change but it certainly doesn’t seem so in this instance.

And that is why people are advising the OP to leave.

It doesn’t mean folk hate men or they are all evil.

This is a very measured response and I do actually agree with you in the main.
The ‘men are evil’ quote was not directed at the majority of posters on this thread.
I can see how even the suggestion that it could be a one off would seem irresponsible to those who have lived through DV and when looking at the stats. However, we have to be aware that the statistical figures are taken from the end point, ie. the DV cases that get reported. Yes, of course all of the cases that escalate start with a single incident. But not all single incidents escalate into more.
But I’m going to end with saying that I think the OP should 100% get external help. It is not an incident that should be ignored or minimised.

ArcaneWireless · 13/12/2022 13:44

I think that you may have had a partner who was horrified and absolutely set on change. I’m sorry you had to go through it in the first place.

I’m just not sure how helpful it is to share your experience when the OP’s partner has shown no remorse at all. He doesn’t seem sorry. And that makes it an entirely different situation.

The only shared experience you have with the OP here is being assaulted sadly.

LexMitior · 13/12/2022 13:46

Is that really true @Namechangeblabla that your husband tried to kill you and you kept him in the home with your kids?

If so, you should be bloody ashamed of what you have said here

beastlyslumber · 13/12/2022 13:50

Yes, of course all of the cases that escalate start with a single incident. But not all single incidents escalate into more.

Or, in other words, "it's a one off".

How many times should a woman tolerate a man trying to kill her? Obviously the first time could just be a one-off, so you have to give him another chance. The next time? Well, he was stressed out. Maybe he's got a brain tumour. The third time? Well, you got past it the first two times and he was really, really sorry. The fourth time? Nothing to say, he succeeded.

ONCE IS ENOUGH.

Stop telling women that they need to give second chances to men who try to kill them.

I cannot believe that anyone needs to tell you this. But I can believe it, because obviously you need to justify your own terrible and dangerous decision.

Just stop. Go away. MN clearly won't stop you from commenting, so have some decency and stop yourself.

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