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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

604 replies

Louise33388 · 12/12/2022 13:12

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 13/12/2022 10:49

It doesn't bloody matter if he has a brain tumour. All that matters is he is a danger to his wife and she needs to get the fuck away from him. It will be a comfort to no one if he kills her because of a brain tumour. Dead is dead.

Stripedbag101 · 13/12/2022 10:50

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 10:14

Yes, something like a glioblastoma affecting the amygdala could have this effect. Says me sounding like a bloody neurosurgeon 😁

Show quote history

Just awful. I am getting increasingly angry about your posts.

glioblastoma Is incredibly rare. Yet you are suggesting it might be the cause of domestic violence in a man you have never met?

It is such bad, irresponsible advice.

if you truly believe this perhaps you should contact the police and suggest they release every violent criminal for whom it was a first offence?

why is domestic violence seen as less of a crime?

Stripedbag101 · 13/12/2022 10:53

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 10:48

OK! I'm sure it's unlikely to be a brain tumour, I was just thinking that acting as though it could be (from a safe distance) might give OP a way to deal with this if she is afraid of involving the police, etc. It's a way of getting others on board with the situation.

Show quote history

She doesn’t need to get others onboard with the situation????? She is the victim to a violent crime.

she doesn’t need to tip toe around her attacker and his family.

she needs to be safe.

please don’t ever advise family or friends if they are int his situation. Your judgement is very poor.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 13/12/2022 10:56

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 10:48

OK! I'm sure it's unlikely to be a brain tumour, I was just thinking that acting as though it could be (from a safe distance) might give OP a way to deal with this if she is afraid of involving the police, etc. It's a way of getting others on board with the situation.

Show quote history

If a drug addict attacks you in the street because they need money for their drug addiction (a medical problem) do you try to get away and maybe report it to the police or do you hang around trying to get the medical help and telling them it's not their fault?

leatherboundbooks · 13/12/2022 11:04

In the very likely event that it is a brain tumor you still need to get out, and let the police k ow as if it is a tumor causing out bursts of murderous violence he needs help so that he doesn't start trying to kill huge strong men he meets, he would be a danger to himself and any man woman or child he meets
Please get it logged at very least because I didn't and because there was no official record I had to undergo mediation with him and that was horrendous

yadaya · 13/12/2022 11:05

why is domestic violence seen as less of a crime?

This is the bit that makes me really angry.

My neighbours boyfriend has served 6 years in prison for DV. She just doesn't get how serious it much have been for him to serve SIX YEARS because DV is so rarely taken seriously.
If they locked more men up for the first offence the world would be a much better place

ReneBumsWombats · 13/12/2022 11:12

Sadly, many women don't take it seriously. That's why they stay, force their children to be around it and even attack (verbally) people who tell them how bad it is.

The alternative is accepting that your partner is not who you think he is, your relationship is not what you think it is, and you need to take your heart back. Much more palatable to believe it's a one off, a brain tumour, not that bad and everyone else would understand if only they knew him like you do. In fact, staying is a sign of your strength and love and caring.

Pow pow.

MeridianB · 13/12/2022 11:21

Knors · 13/12/2022 10:41

I'm actually really pissed off right now regarding this brain tumour shit! I m reporting your posts.

I reported all the similarly awful, dangerous, male apologist posts yesterday and @MNHQ did fuck all.

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 11:44

Much more palatable to believe it's a one off, a brain tumour, not that bad and everyone else would understand if only they knew him like you do. In fact, staying is a sign of your strength and love and caring.

I won't post again after this. Just to say this is not at all what I'm saying. I'm not surprised you're so angry if this is how you have interpreted my posts.

beastlyslumber · 13/12/2022 11:50

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 11:44

Much more palatable to believe it's a one off, a brain tumour, not that bad and everyone else would understand if only they knew him like you do. In fact, staying is a sign of your strength and love and caring.

I won't post again after this. Just to say this is not at all what I'm saying. I'm not surprised you're so angry if this is how you have interpreted my posts.

That was a summary of yours and others' posts.

But honestly, your post was bad enough in itself. And accusing women of being too angry is just fucked up, given your response to a man's anger is to say he has a brain tumour and the woman he tried to kill should get him a GP appointment.

ReneBumsWombats · 13/12/2022 11:51

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 11:44

Much more palatable to believe it's a one off, a brain tumour, not that bad and everyone else would understand if only they knew him like you do. In fact, staying is a sign of your strength and love and caring.

I won't post again after this. Just to say this is not at all what I'm saying. I'm not surprised you're so angry if this is how you have interpreted my posts.

It's always interesting what people find offensive, especially after what they find acceptable.

It was a general summing up of the ways in which many women rationalise staying in abusive relationships which, as we now see, can include "he might have a brain tumour". I'm afraid it's accurate, although not exhaustive.

LexMitior · 13/12/2022 11:54

@Alcemeg - I am glad of that. Your post was not only statistically unlikely, it was dangerous.

You are frankly a silly person at best.

Stripedbag101 · 13/12/2022 12:01

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 11:44

Much more palatable to believe it's a one off, a brain tumour, not that bad and everyone else would understand if only they knew him like you do. In fact, staying is a sign of your strength and love and caring.

I won't post again after this. Just to say this is not at all what I'm saying. I'm not surprised you're so angry if this is how you have interpreted my posts.

But alcemeg that is what you were saying. You suggested there might be a reason to excuse this man’s act of violence. You suggest OP should help him. You talked about finding a solution to this.

the solution to domestic violence is not tea and sympathy and brain scans. It’s zero tolerance.

I really how you don’t have daughters. Your views on gender roles and relationships are dangerous.

ReneBumsWombats · 13/12/2022 12:06

Just to be clear, Alcemeg, I am aware that your marriage was miserable and you knew your husband was an arsehole. The fact that you could still float "brain tumour" as a possibility here when you knew that wasn't why your husband throttled you is just further evidence, to me, of the lengths women go to to minimise and rationalise this.

FlissyPaps · 13/12/2022 12:28

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 10:16

It's not about sympathy, it's about finding a solution. A physical cause cannot be completely ruled out until it's been investigated, and involving others to investigate it (while keeping a safe distance) might be a good strategy for OP to cope with this.

Show quote history

Please stop posting.

The OP has stated her “D”H said he couldn’t remember doing it. Then quickly changed his tune to “I will do everything in my power to make sure this doesn’t happen again”.

This is gaslighting 101. A form of emotional abuse.

Please stop with the brain tumour bullshit. This is so insulting!

The only solution is for the OP to leave the marriage and get the hell out of there.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/12/2022 12:34

beastlyslumber · 13/12/2022 10:25

I can't believe some of the things I've read on this thread. "It's a one off", "He's got a brain tumour" - what the actual fuck?

Don't comment on DV posts if this is your level of understanding.

I hope it wasn't just me who noticed how all the apologists rather successfully derailed the discussion with 'oh he's only hit me once, he won't do it again,' and 'the poor little soldier, he might have a brain tumour, can he go and see a doctor?'

Does a klaxon go off, or something?

pompomsandtinsel · 13/12/2022 12:44

Tell your friends and family today. That's a good first step.

Namechangeblabla · 13/12/2022 12:54

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/12/2022 12:34

I hope it wasn't just me who noticed how all the apologists rather successfully derailed the discussion with 'oh he's only hit me once, he won't do it again,' and 'the poor little soldier, he might have a brain tumour, can he go and see a doctor?'

Does a klaxon go off, or something?

Show quote history

It’s not the handful of posters who have dared suggest, in good faith, an alternative perspective who have derailed the thread, it’s the unbelievable vitriol of posters who think it’s ok to dismiss, insult and bully anyone who doesn’t abide by their ‘all men are evil, murderous bastards’ rhetoric.

ReneBumsWombats · 13/12/2022 13:01

Namechangeblabla · 13/12/2022 12:54

It’s not the handful of posters who have dared suggest, in good faith, an alternative perspective who have derailed the thread, it’s the unbelievable vitriol of posters who think it’s ok to dismiss, insult and bully anyone who doesn’t abide by their ‘all men are evil, murderous bastards’ rhetoric.

Show quote history

Your "alternative perspective" is apologism for male violence that could cost women their lives, and now you've thrown in the "it's because they hate all men" shite for good measure.

Your violent criminal husband belongs in prison and he's done the usual number on you, but let's pray to God he doesn't succeed in doing it to other women via you.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/12/2022 13:03

MeridianB · 13/12/2022 11:21

I reported all the similarly awful, dangerous, male apologist posts yesterday and @MNHQ did fuck all.

Show quote history

I, too. They didn't seem to think offering dangerous advice to a distressed woman in a precarious, potentially lethal situation worthy of deletion.

No wonder this site is going to the dogs.

monsteramunch · 13/12/2022 13:04

@Namechangeblabla

it’s the unbelievable vitriol of posters who think it’s ok to dismiss, insult and bully anyone who doesn’t abide by their ‘all men are evil, murderous bastards’ rhetoric.

This is a gross misrepresentation of what's happened here, regardless of the fact you're a victim of domestic violence which I'm very sorry to hear.

I (and others staggered by your post) don't think 'all men are bastards'.

I absolutely think the ones who beat / pin down and punch / kick / strangle their partners are.

And those ones are statistically overwhelmingly more likely to be the men who kill women.

To be clear - not all men are bastards, but all the men who strangle women are. More than happy to stand by that.

I don't believe you would look your daughter in the eye and advise her to stay with her partner if she told you she was attacked by him in the exact same way you were by her father.

ReneBumsWombats · 13/12/2022 13:05

Namechangeblabla · 13/12/2022 12:54

It’s not the handful of posters who have dared suggest, in good faith, an alternative perspective who have derailed the thread, it’s the unbelievable vitriol of posters who think it’s ok to dismiss, insult and bully anyone who doesn’t abide by their ‘all men are evil, murderous bastards’ rhetoric.

Show quote history

To add, you're the one who actually is married to an evil, murderous bastard. I'm not, thank God. Yet you think my perspective of men is skewed?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/12/2022 13:05

Namechangeblabla · 13/12/2022 12:54

It’s not the handful of posters who have dared suggest, in good faith, an alternative perspective who have derailed the thread, it’s the unbelievable vitriol of posters who think it’s ok to dismiss, insult and bully anyone who doesn’t abide by their ‘all men are evil, murderous bastards’ rhetoric.

Show quote history

And ... BINGO.

Knew it wouldn't belong before the 'you're all man-haters' brand of handmaiden - and I use that term advisedly - would bob up.

Threads on sexual and domestic violence attract them like flies. Every. single. one.

ReneBumsWombats · 13/12/2022 13:07

Like I said...the only way to make it palatable that you chose to stay is to demonise the women who let it be known how fucking dangerous and senseless it is to do that. And lo, when in thrall to a violent bastard, the modus operandi is to accuse women of thinking men are violent bastards.

BadNomad · 13/12/2022 13:10

Women who hate violent men are men haters? 🙄