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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

604 replies

Louise33388 · 12/12/2022 13:12

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

OP posts:
Puzzledstill · 13/12/2022 08:40

Leave him the fact that he’s saying he doesn’t remember is concerning I worry about women in relationships like this

newnamequickly · 13/12/2022 08:41

Speaking from experience, it's easy to say 'leave' even though you should it's not easy to convince yourself to actually do it.

Realistically I'd get in touch with a local women's group today. Right now pick the phone up. Go out to make the calm if you need to. Most councils have a list of help numbers if you call them they can direct you.

My biggest regret when I was at the stage you are was not involving the police and logging the assault. That came back to bite me.

But first and foremost don't antagonise the situation AT ALL. No taking this through again. The cycle of abuse means he's regretting it right now and the odds are he won't hurt you immediately.

You must get help from a women's group today. Not tomorrow. They are discreet and a force to be reconned with.

Phone now.....

yadaya · 13/12/2022 08:43

Member869894 · 13/12/2022 00:42

this is a strange situation. I've never heard of an abusive man being fine for 7 years and then dong this. Normally they show their true colours within 6 months Is this really out of the blue op?.

.

Not true.
My sister's partner showed no signs of physical violence during the 6 years they were together..... until he killed her.

She genuinely believed that he wouldn't hurt her

newnamequickly · 13/12/2022 08:43

KitchiHuritAngeni · 12/12/2022 13:28

This is how it starts op.

He slaps you and pins you, then downplays it and says he will try not to again. You feel embarrassed.

Then he slaps you again, this time says its your fault because x y and z. You can't say anything this time because you didn't the first time.

Then he punches you, but he says it's OK because it's not like he beat you up, and you did antagonise him. You don't say anything because this is your life now, you just try not to upset him so he doesn't do it again.

On and on it goes, and its not until you're out of it that you actually realise how bad it is.

Even the fact you said 'first time' in your title says it all.

Contact WA and get support in getting out and staying out.

It is bad, however much he downplays it.

Exactly this.

Knors · 13/12/2022 08:53

Alcemeg · 12/12/2022 23:20

I haven't RTFT OP, only your posts. Just that if you've been together for 7 years and he's normally good-natured and laid-back, and he doesn't remember doing this, I'd be looking for a GP appointment ASAP to investigate. He might have a brain tumour or something. Sorry for what you're going through, whatever the cause. Flowers

Is this a joke???

LexMitior · 13/12/2022 09:02

Ignore the silly poster.

OP, if a stranger did this to you you would likely call the police. You would also be more accepting of the shock.

Just because it happens at home, just because you have had a relationship, does not make it less.

It makes it worse. In law it is worse. It is a betrayal of the trust and is a violation of you.

Make plans to leave. Speak to a good friend today. This man is a brute. He has chosen to be so. Please speak to a good friend and take those first steps.

TrustYourselfNow · 13/12/2022 09:23

OK, so you know two things are true:

1.) He's been placid and laid back for seven years and never mistreated you.
2.) The other night he snapped and slapped you and pinned you up by the throat, and it's never safe to live with a man who shows that behaviour.

It doesn't matter whether he's a good man, or whether you love him. He has some sort of frightening emotional regulation problem that he's not trying to fix. You can't fix it for him, so you need to remove yourself from the relationship for now at least.

If it's too hard to say out loud, could you write down what happened on a piece of paper and show it to your GP? Or to a friend whose judgement you trust?

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 09:26

Knors · 13/12/2022 08:53

Is this a joke???

Show quote history

Erm, no, but I was posting in haste at bedtime! 🙄

I didn't mean a cosy chat with the GP over a nice cup of tea, I meant an urgent investigation. At the very least, this calls his bluff as you would expect him to be equally concerned. It is also a way of involving others immediately and not sweeping it under the carpet.

Obviously, in the meantime he has to be treated like a dog that can't be trusted not to bite. OP must keep out of harm's way, whatever it takes to do that.

I suppose the reason I thought a brain tumour might be plausible (and they can cause aggressive behavioural changes) is that my ex-H throttled me a couple of times over the course of our miserable marriage, but he was always a moody arsehole so it didn't exactly come as a surprise. Never in a million years could I have described him as "placid and laid-back" (as the OP describes her H). But still waters run deep, as they say, so maybe OP's H has just been festering for a while.

Thank you to @KettrickenSmiled for being gentle on me 🥰 Having now read more comments, I agree with what you say about the OP's anxiousness possibly arising from (or aggravated by) the dynamics of this relationship.

OP, I hope you have somewhere safe to go, where you can keep your distance? Don't be embarrassed about telling people. You can be naive like me and just say you're worried he must have a brain tumour because of this shockingly uncharacteristic incident. Seek support IRL.

BucketofTeaMassiveCake · 13/12/2022 10:01

The poster alcemeg wasn't joking. A chap with no history of violence began to hit his wife and the police were involved. She stayed with him as it was out of character. Eventually there was a funeral in the family - his. At post-mortem he was found to have a massive brain tumour in the area which governs behaviour - it's incredibly rare but does happen.

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 10:14

BucketofTeaMassiveCake · 13/12/2022 10:01

The poster alcemeg wasn't joking. A chap with no history of violence began to hit his wife and the police were involved. She stayed with him as it was out of character. Eventually there was a funeral in the family - his. At post-mortem he was found to have a massive brain tumour in the area which governs behaviour - it's incredibly rare but does happen.

Yes, something like a glioblastoma affecting the amygdala could have this effect. Says me sounding like a bloody neurosurgeon 😁

Stripedbag101 · 13/12/2022 10:14

please don’t advise women to sympathise with violent men in case it’s a brain tumour!

OP needs to leave her husband - she isn’t safe where she is. It is highly highly unlikely that this man has a brain tumour. It is also up to him whether he seeks medical advice or counselling about his outrageous behaviour.

we have to stop making excuses for these men.

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 10:16

Stripedbag101 · 13/12/2022 10:14

please don’t advise women to sympathise with violent men in case it’s a brain tumour!

OP needs to leave her husband - she isn’t safe where she is. It is highly highly unlikely that this man has a brain tumour. It is also up to him whether he seeks medical advice or counselling about his outrageous behaviour.

we have to stop making excuses for these men.

It's not about sympathy, it's about finding a solution. A physical cause cannot be completely ruled out until it's been investigated, and involving others to investigate it (while keeping a safe distance) might be a good strategy for OP to cope with this.

BucketofTeaMassiveCake · 13/12/2022 10:16

By the way, I don't advise sympathy or excuses for the above.

ReneBumsWombats · 13/12/2022 10:21

Ok, so he won't mind getting it checked out, will he? Who wants to risk having an undiagnosed brain tumour? And he won't want to risk his partner if he's a good man, will he? He should be deeply concerned about the fact that he's choking his wife and forgetting about it as soon as it happens. He should therefore have no qualms about her leaving the house while he goes to see the doctor - A&E, in fact, given the seriousness of it - and gets it checked out.

He's a great guy who attacked his wife and has no memory of it, and he could have a brain tumour. He will be very keen to get this checked out, right? Right?

caringcarer · 13/12/2022 10:21

You do know what to do. Call the police and get him charged. Get an order so he can't come near you. Divorce him. Protect yourself. You must know men who hit women get bolder and hit harder each time they attack them until they normalise domestic violence it into everyday behaviour. Don't wait and give him the chance to repeat.

Stripedbag101 · 13/12/2022 10:22

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 10:16

It's not about sympathy, it's about finding a solution. A physical cause cannot be completely ruled out until it's been investigated, and involving others to investigate it (while keeping a safe distance) might be a good strategy for OP to cope with this.

Show quote history

But you are advocating OP taking responsibility for this man’s behaviour. He needs to own what he has done, he needs to seek help if he wants it.

it isn’t the victims job to diagnose the perpetrator of a crime, and help them to seek help!!

this type of bullshit is why women get blamed for men’s behaviour; why women stay in violent relationships; why society doesn’t support abused women. Because they are seen as the people who need to fix the poor broken men.

OP needs to look after herself before this man hurts her again - maybe even kills her. She doesn’t need to be reading medical journals and making him GP appointments!! She needs to be reporting this assault to the police.

Winterswomderer · 13/12/2022 10:22

I’m so sorry op. The first time is never the last time. It’s simply the first time.

the next time he will hit you a little more. Hurt you more. And he will keep escalating it. They always do. They just test your boundaries. Once they know you will take it,then they starting hurting you more

he is also,lying and gaslighting you. It’s only a matter of time before you’re agreeing and telling folks you really do have a black eye or broken ribs because you fell down.

you need to leave him. The but I love him is a common cry from women who stay in an abusive relationship. Until they are just shadows of themselves. Waiting for the next assault.

HotChoxs · 13/12/2022 10:23

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 10:16

It's not about sympathy, it's about finding a solution. A physical cause cannot be completely ruled out until it's been investigated, and involving others to investigate it (while keeping a safe distance) might be a good strategy for OP to cope with this.

Show quote history

Just for some perspective the OP may be dead

caringcarer · 13/12/2022 10:24

Don't let him near you, let alone try to impregnate you. You are lucky no kids involved as easier to leave.

beastlyslumber · 13/12/2022 10:25

I can't believe some of the things I've read on this thread. "It's a one off", "He's got a brain tumour" - what the actual fuck?

Don't comment on DV posts if this is your level of understanding.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 13/12/2022 10:29

Why is it that these men with supposed brain tumours only hit their wives/partners and not say men who are bigger than them? Or little old ladies walking too slow in the supermarket?

That's some very specific brain tumour. And given the prevalence of men hitting women and the number of posters on threads like these being so eager to jump in with 'oh it must be a brain tumour' why aren't we hearing more in the news about this epidemic of wife beating brain tumours?

I mean two women a week are dying from domestic violence. If that's all down to brain tumours why is that not all over the news. There have been a handful of deaths from strep A and that's all over the news, same when it was monkey pox etc.

And where are the women beating their husbands and strangling them to death because they have a brain tumour?

And why oh why is any of this supposed brain tumour any of the OPs concern?

abigailsnan · 13/12/2022 10:31

You must leave as he will not change he has a selective memory to say the least and it will happen again for sure.
Get all your papers in order and speak to family asap don't be ashamed one bit it is he who should hang his head in shame.Good luck for the future sweetie x

Winterswomderer · 13/12/2022 10:37

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 13/12/2022 10:29

Why is it that these men with supposed brain tumours only hit their wives/partners and not say men who are bigger than them? Or little old ladies walking too slow in the supermarket?

That's some very specific brain tumour. And given the prevalence of men hitting women and the number of posters on threads like these being so eager to jump in with 'oh it must be a brain tumour' why aren't we hearing more in the news about this epidemic of wife beating brain tumours?

I mean two women a week are dying from domestic violence. If that's all down to brain tumours why is that not all over the news. There have been a handful of deaths from strep A and that's all over the news, same when it was monkey pox etc.

And where are the women beating their husbands and strangling them to death because they have a brain tumour?

And why oh why is any of this supposed brain tumour any of the OPs concern?

It’s ludicrous. I don’t know what’s been going on on here, but justifying domestic violence with the line he may have a brain tumour is horrifying.

there is another thread where the husband is sexting a 24 year old woman at work. Some posters came on to blame the woman and ask if she was on a power trip,

good old fashioned misogyny is alive and well

a brain tumour my arse. A brain tumour that makes you batter your wife and no one else.

some people shouldn’t be given access to the internet without adult supervision

Knors · 13/12/2022 10:41

I'm actually really pissed off right now regarding this brain tumour shit! I m reporting your posts.

Alcemeg · 13/12/2022 10:48

Knors · 13/12/2022 10:41

I'm actually really pissed off right now regarding this brain tumour shit! I m reporting your posts.

OK! I'm sure it's unlikely to be a brain tumour, I was just thinking that acting as though it could be (from a safe distance) might give OP a way to deal with this if she is afraid of involving the police, etc. It's a way of getting others on board with the situation.