My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

This would send anyone into a spiral. Don't blame yourself for feeling anxious, disconnected and confused.

It did happen. You know it, and so does he.

I know it's hard but please talk to your friends. Tell them what happened. You need support and love.

LEAVE! And thank your lucky stars that you didn't get pregnant with this guy

I'm sorry this happened to you, it must be an awful shock to see this side of someone you love.

As others have said, he knows exactly what he has done. Not acknowledging or taking responsibility for his actions is even worse. How can he promise to not do it again???

Leave, now. Tell all your friends & family. You will need the support. There is no shame, that's all on him.

Bloody hell, the male violence apologists here, are revolting.

OP, please listen to those of us on this thread, and leave. Thank god you haven't had children with this man.

Please, please leave.

I haven't RTFT OP, only your posts. Just that if you've been together for 7 years and he's normally good-natured and laid-back, and he doesn't remember doing this, I'd be looking for a GP appointment ASAP to investigate. He might have a brain tumour or something. Sorry for what you're going through, whatever the cause.

I still feel like I'm in limbo a little bit as I feel it couldn't have happened, even though I know it did.
Skate past the narcissist label, as that's not important - what's important is the role that cognitive dissonance plays in abusive, or coercively controlling, or violent relationships -
narcissisticbehavior.net/the-place-of-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

I suffer with anxiety anyway and this has sent me into a spiral.
Hey my dear. ANYBODY would be in a spin right now, in your shoes.
Don't blame your anxiety.
Your anxiety would be much reduced if your H wasn't a violent liar. Or if you didn't have to be around him for a good few days.
But I think you've heard enough on that topic to be going on with.
You're still not quite ready to talk to anyone in real life are you? Unfortunately, that leaves you in a position of keeping his filthy secret. A position of isolation, & risk.
So for now - keep posting here. The more you talk to PP, the easier it will get to keep a grip on yourself. To believe the facts, & not the words he is spinning you - cognitive dissonance remember? - it is a powerful force.
From there, you might feel able to talk to a stranger - say an expert at Womens Aid. You don't just need good women on your side in real life - YOU DESERVE THEM.
Please keep believing that, even if you can't action it just yet.

I'm a senior manager at my company and trying to work today was the hardest thing ever as I just can't concentrate on anything.
You are phenomenal to have even tried - let alone get through it.

Educated guess says he is very angry with you and has been for a while.

Leave. The fact he pretends it did not happen is a clear sign in addition to hitting you he reserves the right to screw your head up too.

I imagine you argued about how he treats you and then he gave you a taste of what he really can do.

Scary man. Get out

Op, it's not surprising that you are feeling totally overwhelmed and anxious at the moment. It's hard to get to grips with what's happened and it's understandable that it might take you a while to work out what you need to do. Be careful that you don't start to look for excuses for why he did it. It might feel easier for you in the short term to let it go and minimise it but this is the real shit. You can't pretend it hasn't happened.

What would you advise a friend to do?

It's not OP's job to sort out his medical needs.
Apologies @Alcemeg this isn't a pop at you, your posts are usually sensible & well intentioned.

But - if YOU had suddenly attacked your husband, slapped him, thrown him up against a wall & throttled him, terrified him ... what would your next actions be?
You'd be straight onto the medical profession to get a brain examination, wouldn't you. You'd be horrified, dismayed, contrite, shamed. Offering to take yourself away from the home for as long as it took to keep your DH safe.

He hasn't just not done that.
HE LIED THAT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN- THEN TRIED TO COERCE HIS WIFE INTO ACCEPTING THAT LIE.
The first lie was kneejerk.
The second lie - doubling down the next morning - was deliberate, intentional gaslighting.
He's telling her what he expects her to tolerate from him. That she cannot tell the truth - even to HIM.

That is so fucking sinister I'm amazed at the couple of PP on here (not you Alcemeg) who are deliberately refusing to see it.

I agree @LexMitior

We've only seen the snapshot of that evening, & the morning after.
But I suspect the signs have been there for years.
I also wonder about OP's anxiety, & what might be at root of that.

OP - not digging here. You open up when YOU are ready. Think things through at your own pace. This thread is a resource for you - not an obligation - ok?

I just wish you would go to your mum's, or a close friend's, but have a horrible feeling it's the embarrassment that's stopping you. (Been there, done that.) This is not your shame - it is his. And it has NO reflection on you.

Sorry but that’s such a cop out. & incredibly unhelpful and insulting.

A brain tumour doesn’t cause someone to violently lash out grab hold of your throat and then deny it and gaslight you. He knows what he’s doing. He’s controlling and is asserting his power and dominance.

I’m so sorry OP. Your are not alone, I promise 💐

This man is dangerous!

I hope you are able to get a decent sleep tonight and a clearer head tomorrow. Please do consider confiding in a trusted family member or friends, your boss, HR/People team department, Womens Aid, a charity - absolutely anyone who you feel comfortable with. The police will also take you seriously. You can specify to speak to a female officer.

Yeah, no, that's bollocks.

He doesn't have a fucking brain tumour. That's such a massive reach you probably strained something.

I think this is highly unlikely, but even if it was the case, the op should not have to tolerate violence, abuse and a partner she is not safe whatever the reason for the behaviour.

this is the saddest thing I have read in a long time. A man hits and attacks a woman. Brocade this is the first time he has done this you think he has a brain tumour - rather than accept he is a wife beater?

has your partner ever struck you? Do you make excuses for him? Or does your son hit his girlfriend or wife?

it is highly, highly, highly unlikely that this violent outburst was caused by a brain tumour. I think you have been watching too much greys anatomy.

If he's worried he has a brain tunour that is causing him to black out and attack his wife and then immediately be present again then he should be going to the GP. And moving out to protect his wife, and working from home to protect his colleagues and generally not being around people.

Unless you know of some special brain tumours that only cause men to attack their wives/partners?

But he's not, instead this man with a possible brain tumour is crossing his fingers and hoping it doesn't happen again.

So the end result is the same, the OP has to leave him or else he might hurt and/or kill her.

Whether that's due a brain tumour or plain old domestic violence is a moot point unless he is willing to take ownership, do the right this and stop the risk to his wife.

this is a strange situation. I've never heard of an abusive man being fine for 7 years and then dong this. Normally they show their true colours within 6 months Is this really out of the blue op?.

.

He assaulted you and is now gaslighting you. I would be reporting him to the police but I understand how shocked you must be.
Keep posting here, you will get good support and advice.

Chris Watts had been with Shanann 8 years and shown zero signs of any abusive behaviour prior to killing her, their unborn son and then smothering their two daughters and burying her in a shallow grave and placing their two daughters in oil containers (at least one of which was proven to not have been dead at the time she was placed inside it).

Regardless of how long this behaviour took to show itself, 7 weeks, 7 months or 7 years, I sure as hell would not be hanging around to find out if this was a one off nor trying to find out reason for it because regardless of what that reason was, it is well documented by experts in the field that once the line has been crossed, it's rarely the last time and usually just the beginning and escalates.

OP, I hope you can find some real life support for yourself from friends, family and via the places so many others have recommended that can help you work through this, as I said in my PP, it's not for you to feel ashamed about and again I send my support.

Nameçhange you don't know if Chtis Watts was never abusive before he killed his family. Many dv victims keep quiet from a sense of misplaced shame

Nonsense. Where is your evidence that it showed within six months?

So what if it was out of the blue?

Once is enough.

And for all the other reasons victims downplay and minimise abuse and red flags.

But even if a man does throw a woman down and choke her, having never ever before displayed any signs that that's the kind of man he is...even then, no further attack or threat is ever going to be out of the blue, is it?

OP you can bet your life the police and Women's Aid have heard the 'can't remember doing it' excuse a million times. It won't wash with them.

Don't risk your life by believing a word he says.
He's probably shitting himself in case you do go to the police, which is why he's minimising what he did. Next it'll be 'it's all in your head' or 'you pushed me too far'.

Oh the can't remember excuse... was it a red mist clouding his vision? A blackout? Drink or drugs? Course he bloody remembers, the shit head. He'll trip himself up on that one day. I'll not add to the requests for you to leave, there's been plenty. You can't be made to, especially when you're in this stage of shock. But I can guarantee you this will happen again. It might take a week or a year but it will. I'll wish you all the best for your future whatever you decide
And dont ever feel embarrassed about someone else's behaviour towards you. You done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. If you want to reach out to someone IRL, do it. He doesn't need or deserve you protecting him.

But @Namechangeblabla there's absolutely nothing in your experience to suggest that what happened to you was a one-off. Your husband went 12 years before he first attacked you. It's now been 6 years since that event - he is still many times more likely to do it again as part of a pattern of escalating/increasingly frequent violence than a man who has never assaulted his partner. A wealth of data backs this up. Maybe when you're in your nursing home you can look back and reflect on your marriage and whether your husband ever tried to strangle you again, but right now you're not even close to being "out of the woods". So it's very disturbing that you are using your relationship to hold up as an example of why women should consider staying in abusive relationships. It seems to be a way for you to validate your decision but to do that at the cost of another women's safety is abhorrent.