My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

Of course he remembers. But, even if for some weird reason he didn't remember it, that's even more dangerous. Because that would mean he was totally out of control and acting outside of his own head. If that was the case, he can't tell you it won't happen again. How can he 'do everything in his power' to not do something he didn't have any control over and can't remember?

So, either way, this is really really bad.

But he does remember it.

Please get out. As you say in your post, it's the first time. As in, once it's happened it happens again. And it gets more violent, not less.

Please get out @Louise33388

Ordinarily someone whose husband has hit them out of the blue would say my husband hit me, not add for the first time.

I think (and please correct me if I'm wrong) there has been a build up of some kind?

Is this an escalation from a few shoves or throwing things but he's never hit you? But now he has hit you for the first time?

And now he has throttled you, what will come next?

Please don't wait to find out.

The fact he says he can't remember is chilling on several levels as pointed out by pp's

Get it logged with police and take good care.

He will do it again.

I do not want to invalidate your expereince, but I think this is a very unhelpful post in this context. I am very pleased that you have not been hurt since, but you must surely be the one in a million lucky chance that the violence was a one-off.

OP sounds very much like she is looking for that one person to tell her a happy story so that she can pretend everything is fine and that her partner really doesn't remember and he won't do it again - both of which cannot be true at the same time.

You have thrown her a lifeline in this hope, whereas 99%+ of women who have ever been hit or strangled by their partner know from experience that it was not a one-off. And that's only those who survived.

Or there’ll be a lot of “I walked into a door”, I tripped on a stair” etc. OP should leave asap. Personally I would be gone by now. Zero tolerance is the only way women don’t end up trapped in these violent relationships.

He cannot remember? Even more reason to leave

Protect the OP?! How, how does this protect her?

In your situation, he tried to kill you after 6 years. You’re 6 years on from that now right? Feeling worried that you might be on a countdown and need people to validate your choice maybe? I don’t know, but this thread isn’t about you, and you should never suggest a woman stay with a man who put his hands around her throat. Why should any woman risk him doing that again, or worse?

Even if you do mean well can you not see the difference between your situation and the OPs.

In your situation your DH was horrified

In the OPs situation the DH is denying he did it and claiming he can't remember.

Advising the OP to stay with a man who will not even admit to hurting her is incredibly dangerous as without confronting his behaviour himself he can never hope to change

Very good advice.

If he 'love bombs" ou you really will start to think that your imagination had run amok and that nothing untoward had happened.

❤️

One thing for sure, there will be a next time. Please leave

Pack and go stay with your mother, friend, colleague. It's OK to say you're not ready to talk about it yet but you really do need to be out of the house for very good reasons. You'll probably feel able to tell them the truth in a day or two.
Your husband's behaviour is life threateningly dangerous. He is either lying to you and/or not able to control or remember his own behaviour and that behaviour is violent and the sort of action which ends with women dead.
It doesn't matter what his intentions are - same as if he were leaving live wires about the place - the situation is not safe, you need to be somewhere away from him and the way you can ENSURE that is by leaving yourself.

I'm really sorry. It must feel like your world has turned upside down. But please don't bury your head in the sand here.

Run OP, and don't look back

I can honestly say most of us who have been through this wish we would of got out after the first time, it really does get worse x

'Losing your temper' means raising your voice, calling somebody a fucking prick, walking out and slamming the door or telling them to fuck off, it's over.

It doesn't mean deciding to attack, deliberately cause them pain, physically trap and put them in fear of their life and actually put them at immediate risk of death from a squeeze a couple of grammes harder (so he was still under control because otherwise, you'd be dead already).

It’s happened to me once…the choking thing. I called the police and they arrested him. They kept him overnight and then released him because he was under a SOFA (visiting foreign forces), so had some sort of diplomatic immunity type of thing. They said a report was filed with his country’s embassy and that they’d had assurances the embassy would tell him to stay clear of me and inform his agency. I never saw him again. But have to admit for months after I wished I knew where he was. It would have been a relief to know if he’d been put on a plane to his home country. But as it was, I was looking over my shoulder, twitching curtains, triple checking the door locks for months. I eventually decided to move to a new flat in a new neighbourhood which made me finally feel safe again.

The hard evidence shows that violence is likely to increase once you are pregnant.
First, please immediately stop trying to have childre with a man who is capable of striking a woman. Surely you must now wonder what he is capable of doing to a baby, toddler and child when he loses his temper with them?

He does remember.

I'm so sorry OP, it must have been terrifying. How dare he turn round mad say it didn't happen. How fucking dare he? If he didn't do it then how can he do everything in his power to make sure it does not happen again?

Make sure you do not get pregnant.

Make plans to leave.

My children's father did this.

I woke up to him during the night strangling me and pushing my head into the pillow so I couldn't scream. He couldn't remember either. He did it again a couple nights later. So I rented a house in secret and disappeared with my children whilst he was at his parents. I was in my early 20s.

So he’s said he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.but he can’t remember what happened? Doesn’t sound logical and if I was in your situation I’d rather they admit what they’d done and be able to talk to them about it than they deny it (and hope you’ll starting doubting your recollection of events?)

OP. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
You need to leave, and leave now or at the soonest opportunity that it is safe for you to do so and at no point tell him you are leaving or give any sign you are planning to. Just go.

As soon as you can, make sure you have all your cards/laptop or whatever electronic devices you use together, your important documentation like passport/ birth certificate etc...take them with you and pack enough essentials to get you through a couple of weeks. Seek out your most trustworthy friend or family member and go to them as soon as he is out for work or whatever, and even if they are not in a position to put you up, once they know they will be able to help you plan what you need to do next. Feel no embarrassment, this is not your shame, you have done nothing wrong and you are understandably shook and finding it hard to process.

At no point engage with him and seek advice as others have suggested via Women's Aid on your next steps. Do not be alone with him again and I'm sure if you need to access your home you would have people who would go with you (and please do, even if you think he should not be home at the time you choose to go back for whatever reason).

You are not safe. A line has been crossed and it's not reversible. He has denied and minimised and lied. He cannot claim to not have done it whilst simultaneously declaring he will not do it again. He has shown himself capable of this and you must leave.

I apologise for repetition of other's advice who will have already given such support and advice with greater articulation than I have.

Be safe OP and take care 💐

He still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me
'I can't remember' is a cop out because he doesn't want to face up to what he has done to you.

He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again
If it didn't happen...why is he reassuring you it won't happen again?

If you stay, you're giving him a green light to do it again because he'll know he can hit you, deny it, and you'll do nothing about it. All of us who've been abused understand the embarrassment you feel today but when it happens a second time (and it will) the shame will hurt you far more and for far longer than the sting of a slap ever did. You may love him and you may feel embarrassed but you must tell your family and friends what he has done to you. Do not isolate yourself.

He hit you and strangled you because he choose to.
he didn’t do it to anyone else just you, because he thinks you will put up with it and feel too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone. So you need to do the opposite.
please get out as soon as you can and confide with your friends in real life. Don’t minimise it because it’s very dangerous to stay.
I am so sorry you are in this position and it’s not your fault xx

My ex did exactly the same thing (choking, “can’t remember”). Sadly, I didn’t leave him. Instead, I sent him to a therapy group for violent men. All it achieved was for him to become more emotionally abusive and direct his violence at objects. Many of the doors in our house had dents from where I’d shut myself in to get away from him and he’d tried to smash them open with a hammer to continue ‘convincing me’ of the error of my ways. He pushed me down the stairs once, clearly seeing that as ‘less’ violent than hitting me. Obviously, because I’m still alive to tell the tale, I did eventually leave him (and life has been SO MUCH BETTER since).
It’s so hard to accept that an absolute line has been crossed and you have to upend your life. But it has. It’s so much easier to believe that things might get better. But they won’t. Just spend a few hours on here reading threads on ‘Relationships’. There are so many abusive relationships out there! They never get better and they all follow exactly the same pattern. It’s like there’s a template out there.
LEAVE! Leave quietly but efficiently.

Hey all,

I cannot thank you enough for all the support you've given me. With me still not feeling ready to talk to my family or friends about it, your messages have meant the world to me.

I still feel like I'm in limbo a little bit as I feel it couldn't have happened, even though I know it did. I suffer with anxiety anyway and this has sent me into a spiral. I'm a senior manager at my company and trying to work today was the hardest thing ever as I just can't concentrate on anything.

I'm still trying to work out what to do - I honestly never thought I would be in this position. And I just want to say I'm sending all my support and love to DV victims. Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I'm in such a dark place and reading through the messages has made me feel not as alone as I did last night.