My husband hit me for the first time and now I don't know what to do

[Louise33388]

Hi,

I'm really looking for some advice as I can't go to my family and friends as I feel to embarrassed. My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and he's always been pretty placid and laid back and then the other night we had an argument where it ended with him slapping me across the face and then pinning me against the wall by my throat. He let go quite quickly. After I started to cry from shock as to what just happened. I never thought he would do something like that. He then instantly turned around and said he didn't do it and he never hit me. I was stunned - how could he not know what he just did. The next morning we chatted about it and he still claims that he can't remember what happened and he has no recollection of him hitting me. He assures me he will do everything in his power so that it will never happen again.

It's just now, I have no idea how to behave around him, I don't feel like myself, I feel I can't tell anyone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I love him and I really don't want us to separate. Could this be a one off? Or am I being silly by thinking it could be.

Any advice, help, anything would be so appreciated.

I know it’s not want you want to hear but your relationship is over.
Now you must leave him.
Im so sorry this has happened to you x

this is awful you must leave. Of course he remembers he’d just rather not.

Have you somewhere to go?

Next time it will be worse if you stay.

Please please make plans to leave

Look, I really don’t want to derail this thread, so I won’t post again, but I have to defend myself from those of you who are calling me stupid, saying that I clearly don’t care about myself or my kids and that my DH is a shit.
You’re wrong. Believe me or not, I’m afraid that’s a fact. You ‘could’ therefore be equally wrong about the op. This is the only point I’m trying to get across.

You’re wrong. Believe me or not, I’m afraid that’s a fact. You ‘could’ therefore be equally wrong about the op. This is the only point I’m trying to get across.

Men who are violent to women do deserve to be in prison - they are scum. That's a fact.

You are taking a risk forgiving your husband - also fact.

I hope your faith isn't misplaced.

MN responses can indeed be extreme.

I suppose my post was. And with good reason.

Violence can happen after years together. And it can escalate terrifyingly quickly.

Some have been fortunate enough to have someone who is sorry enough to get help so that it doesn’t happen again and it truly is a one off.

Some, like me, got the lip service sorry/sorry only for themselves sorry/protect themselves sorry/I didn’t know what I did sorry/it will never happen again sorry.

Some don’t say sorry at all.

And the only ones who are sorry are those who stayed.

Those who knew more of the same. Those who ended up broken. Those who ended up shells. And those who loved the ones who are unable to say that they were sorry they didn’t leave.

That is why responses are extreme.

Once a dog bites, you put him down.

Once a man hits, you leave him.

@Namechangeblabla You ‘could’ therefore be equally wrong about the op.

How disgusting. I take back all my apologies to you. You don’t deserve any. Your poor children.

I'm not calling you names, although I'll certainly cop to not approving at all of keeping your kids around your violent criminal of a husband. Because that's what he is. Fact. He committed a violent crime that carries a prison sentence for a reason and if he did it to your kids or even your next door neighbour, you might be able to accept it. Or maybe not.

You're trying to justify your decision to stay by making us out to be the crazies by saying this is unacceptable, and encouraging OP to stay under the guise of being careful and loving and whatever else you think it means to accept this. It's the only way you can make it ok to stay yourself. Weirdly, it's almost another form of gaslighting itself.

We all hope your luck continues to hold. But your husband is a violent criminal and permanent danger. That's facts.

Non-fatal strangulation is a massive well documented marker for men who go on to murder their partners

A study in the US found that:

Non-fatal strangulation was reported in 10% of abused controls, 45% of attempted homicides and 43% of homicides. Prior non-fatal strangulation was associated with greater than six-fold odds (OR 6.70, 95% CI 3.91–11.49) of becoming an attempted homicide, and over seven-fold odds (OR 7.48, 95% CI 4.53–12.35) of becoming a completed homicide.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/

You were extremely lucky @Namechangeblabla I really hope that luck doesn't run out for you or your children.

Does it not occur to you that the only reason you are the lone voice on this might be because you're just so damn lucky to have survived after giving a man a second chance after an attack like that? Plenty of other women did that too, and it didn't quite work out for them. But, unfortunately, dead women can't post on MN.

Look, I really don’t want to derail this thread, so I won’t post again, but I have to defend myself from those of you who are calling me stupid, saying that I clearly don’t care about myself or my kids and that my DH is a shit.
You’re wrong. Believe me or not, I’m afraid that’s a fact. You ‘could’ therefore be equally wrong about the op. This is the only point I’m trying to get across.

I don't really care about the thread getting derailed, I care about you giving the most dangerous 'advice' possible on it.

You are so strenuous in trying to get that only point across that you have wedded to the idea that all the sensible advice, the IDVA-approved advice, must be wrong - because otherwise that challenges what must, deep down, be a frail sense of you being 'right'.

If PP are wrong, the worst that can happen is OP gets a few days respite at a friend or relative's house while her H pro-actively seeks psychiatric help (off his own bat - not because he's been urged to.)

If YOU are wrong - OP could be dead.

Still think it's cool to talk up the pro's of OP taking the gamble you did?

Have you ever researched the statistical likelihood of it happening again? Have any understanding whatsoever of how amazingly lucky you have been, statistically?

I'd add to what recent posters have been saying by pointing out that minimizers and apologists for male violence are all over this site. No matter how horrendous the abuse detailed by an OP, no matter how distressed and confused she may be - they are guaranteed to pop up on every thread. And here they are, like a jack-in-a-box, popping up to tell OP what's happened isn't that bad, that she should make every excuse for men rather than hold them responsible for their own actions. I'm only surprised we haven't yet got to 'but he might have depression', or suggesting she is in some way responsible for his loss of control.

Women who refuse to swallow this bucket of horse shit for one nanosecond are usually then turned on, or accused of being 'man haters'. There's been a variation on that theme already, suggesting MN is 'extreme', and that their first line of defence is always LTB. It isn't. On threads like this it usually is, and with good reason. The statistics associated with this type of violence speak for themselves.

One positive thing MN does is offer unfailing support to women in this unenviable situation. Women here have helped others see their situation is not normal. They recognise the worst of the danger signs, and in some cases, they hold the hand of some very distressed OPs as they remove themselves from some very dangerous situations.

The situation OP details above contains some of the most serious red flags there are. To advise her to ignore these is the least responsible thing any well-meaning poster, one without nefarious intent, could do. On this thread it does appear well-meaning. On others, it hasn't been.

The apologists for men are usually strong in their condemnation of any acknowledgement of these unpalatable facts. I don't know why they do it. But they do, and they are extremely persistent. It's every, single, thread about domestic and sexual violence.

Women are not responsible for what men do. Nor are they responsible for giving them a free pass. These attitudes have cost many women their lives.

This isn't a sparring game and anyone who derails a thread to these ends needs to take a long, hard look at themselves.

Can the posters like @Namechangeblabla and others just STOP trying to pretend it is ok to stay in the same house as a man who has done this to you.
It is beyond disgusting. It is dangerous.

Those of us who have lost a dear friend to a 'one-off' act of 'uncontrollable rage' from a husband who 'couldn't help himself' and 'just lost it' are sickened by you.

It's really like trying to coax someone out of a burning building, as I said before, but then having ignorant bystanders calling out that they should stay, because it might be safe.

RIP 1982 JK
Killed of by husband in presence of their young son.

Hope you can leave safely.

Please look at how you can file a report of the incident. Even if it is to something the police will act on it may be crucial for another partner he does this to.

100%

Sorry for your loss.
I lost my sister - it was the first time her partner had been violent. It only took that one time. She didn't stand a chance.

Leave that dirty bastard now!
Anyone saying otherwise needs serious help.

Of course he remembers, he's just trying to gaslight his way out of it and not be 'the bad guy'

It will happen again, maybe not soon but it will happen again.

Don't stay with someone that would pin you against the wall by your throat even once

I'm so sorry about your sister @yadaya

I can't even imagine

Thank you monster

Oh, @yadaya I'm so, so sorry.

OP - this must be a hard thread to read & digest. Even the support can sting, because it forces us to accept the reality of our situation - I know, I've been there. The embarrassment, the denial, the minimising, the hope ...

I'm posting to say sorry to you directly for my part in the uncomfortable spat with the abuse-apologist poster. That derail must have been doubly difficult for you to read, & I am sorry that you had to deal with the heightened emotions of me & PP when you are already reeling with shock, fear & unhappiness.
However ... I really hope that you are able to look the facts squarely in the face, & appreciate WHY PP are arguing so strongly for you to take this seriously, & put some immediate distance between you & your H.

The statistics are stark, & have been quoted upthread, so I'll leave that there, expect to say that every single DV expert in the UK would be urging you to leave safely, asap, even if for a few days initially.

When your H made his hyperbolic declaration of "doing everything in my power" to not throttle you again ... did it occur to you how vague that is?
How concerned are you that he did a CONCRETE THING to you, but has no CONCRETE PLAN to even begin making amends for it?
That he has shown no contrition, no remorse, & his first instinct was to lie, then his considered response the next morning was to double down on that lie?

Here are concrete things he could be doing - & WOULD be doing, if he had a shred of genuine guilt, or an iota of horror at his own actions:
Report himself to the police
Take himself to the GP, & seek urgent help. Either with his suddenly & highly specific "amnesia", or for his uncontrolled violence. Or both.
Contact a mens' violence organisation, register himself, start work on why he allowed himself to hurt you
Read up on DV, on why men throttle women, what the stats & outcomes are for the woman, following even a single episode of throttling
Stay with a male friend, or book himself into temp accommodation, leaving his wife safely in the marital home while her sorts himself out.

He's done none of that.
All hes done is lie, & tried to coerce you into being complicit in that lie.

btw - there is NO POINT in him doing any of the above if he is only doing it because you ask him to.
If he doesn't think of it himself - it's worthless. A gesture, just acting out in order to stop you from leaving him.
He should be leaving YOU. Anybody who felt an ounce of shame would have already departed. Even temporarily. The fact that he hasn't shows he expects you to suck it up. That is a very, very dangerous attitude for a man to have about a woman.

You have to leave if you want kids. You can make decisions for yourself but you can not choose someone to father your kids if he has shown you that he can't control himself.

Despite how much you love him and how much he will say he will change etc you can't inflict him on an innocent child. Baby's/children and teens can be extremely irritating - what would happen if he lost his temper with a child.

You must leave - he hit you for the first time? There'll be a second and a third, etc. To hell with embarrassment OP, safety is much more important.

That’s so weird. I always had a one time rule, could not envisage giving someone a second chance like that.